FIL had Alzheimer's. Until he went into late Stage 5 we took him to his favorite cafe often as despite the disease, he was usually the kind quiet person he always had been. We did, however, carefully select our table away from large parties and people with a lot of stuff hanging on the backs of their chairs as these things made him anxious.

We explained to the staff that he had AD, and if anything ever happened we'd take care of it and leave if need be. With the explanation beforehand, they were very kind on the rare occasion that something startled him. The owner or his wife would come by and talk softly to him. We'd gone there for decades, so he recognized them. It never became a situation where we had to leave.

People will be kind and forgiving if the know what's happening.
This mother lets her child get overstimulated and keeps shopping anyway, or at least staying where she is without talking to anyone about what's going on . How does she expect them to know? I get the impression that she lets the kerfluffles happen so she gets to rail to an audience about how bad she has it. If she handed out a little card saying they have a problem and she will do her best to handle it or say something, people would most likely be understanding, but then she'd have nothing dramatic to post on FB, would she?

Yeah, um, grocery shopping is not a luxury, this is not a spa.

Umm, when a livestock animal has pica, it's because they are really missing a nutrient. It's the same thing that causes cravings in pregnant women. Ms. Entitled-by-proxy-disability might wise up, as well as realize, as she gathers the cloak of righteousness around her, that people like me don't care all that much - we're not going to seek your company, and less now that you've declared yourself to be adversarial about it.

I think Amy is right. The mother is exposing her little beauty to more stimulation than she can handle. When little beauty is scared, screaming, crying, flailing, frantically chewing or eating things that are not food, that's an indication that she's in a significant amount of pain and distress. She's feeling really, really awful, beyond her ability to cope, and it's not her fault. It would be compassionate to the little girl to take her out of that environment for a little while to comfort her and help her calm down. I do realize, though, that it may be inconvenient for the mother who needs to shop at Sainsburys or the Paperchase.

Amy's friends whose child has autism, and crella whose father-in-law has Alzheimer's, are examples of people who treat their loved ones with compassion, not just minimizing their pain and distress, but protecting their dignity as well - not allowing them to become repugnant to other people. And when you're considerate of people around you, it's amazing how many will show sympathy, kindness and a lot of tolerance, and even seem to welcome the opportunity to be that kind of person.

Nicole, Paperchase is a gifts store.

And really, you have to take a child out for whom it is torture to be in an overstimulating environment rather than having a babysitter for her? The way this woman writes, it really seems to be more about what she wants and perhaps even being able to accuse people and write angry posts on Facebook to garner attention and sympathy. Her child's picture was posted -- that seems rather terrible -- to have the kid have a history online before she's even four, under her name, with her photo and red hair, which is not exactly common. I didn't post it because I don't think it's right to do that to kids.

My sister worked with kids with autism and many developmental problems for years. She was the kind of person you'd hire to have stay with your child if you simply had to go someplace. (Now she works with old people, helping elderly people with dementia, etc.)

If she exposes her child to long periods of situations that are torture for her child to endure (i.e. not a teaching moment - "see the puppy is licking your hand not taking it off at the wrist") then she is torturing her child for her own needs.

People understand problem kids at the grocery store (parents can relate) however it is also obvious when the Mom is on the phone talking and taking her time that this is 'normal' and definitely not a big deal to her.

Yeah, um, grocery shopping is not a luxury, this is not a spa.

I can go grocery shopping at midnight, or a time of my choosing when very few people other than the staff are around. In fact, I generally try to go early and get out quickly because then I don't have to contend with crowds that might be around later on.

This woman want's to do what she wants to do when she wants to do it, and feel morally superior. Feels like Munchausen by proxy. Oh, look at me, poor, poor me, I have such a problem child, but don't you dare pass judgement on me.

"Skye has autism, pica and hypermobility syndrome,"

I suspect a rather severe case of hyper-diagnosis syndrome here. Pica? Yeah, young children put things that aren't food in their mouths. I remember reading about this in child care books from the 1950s, regarding putting household cleaners where children younger than 6 can't get to them. Or, as Raddy pointed out, it could be a nutrition problem. "Hypermobility syndrome"? You mean the poor child gets tired after you drag her ass up and down the mall all afternoon long. I would too. As for the autism, I suspect that that word does not mean what the LW thinks it means.

(I will say, though, that I'm kind of with the LW regarding the cable-company shill...)

Eh, I think everyone is overreacting. All three year old children have tantrums. That does not mean they are disabled or naughty, it means they are three year old children.

I remember times when I was in a mall (we only had one car, I would push my son in a stroller there so we could get out of the house) and Andy would throw himself on the floor screaming and kicking.

This is normal kid behavior. The best thing you can do is ignore it, and the kid will calm down, and to heck with the busybodies who feel the need to comment on it.

Mum is 23, not married, and I'd bet she doesn't work, has never worked, and thinks that good manners are for snobs.if her kid has pica ( which I doubt), why doesn't she carry stuff for the kid to chew on, rather than grabbing items from a shop?
I think this litany of diagnoses is mor about getting more NHS services and benefits than actual medical conditions.

Dear passers by, This is Skye. She's 3 years old. She has autism spectrum disorder, pica and hypermobility syndrome.

Dear Skye's Mommy:

This is Kevin. His age is none of your business. He has Autism Spectrum Disorder Aversion, picaphobia and an Intermittent Explosive Disorder allergy. So get that kid away from me.

"To the people just staring at me, whispering to each other and the blatant judging of my parenting, I hope your children don't have bad days like this," she wrote in a Facebook post that has now been shared 3,800 times.

"Parenting" seems to be the one endeavor which is expected to escape all judgment. One can observe and comment on a bad driver, a bad bicyclist, a bad dog owner, but for some reason merely noting that someone's not doing a tip-top job of "parenting" an undisciplined or frightened child is "blatant judging."

Screw that. I don't have to be a helicopter pilot to know there was a cock-up if I see a chopper hanging in a tree. And of course there could be extenuating circumstances — a pilot having a heart attack, etc. — but Occam's razor applies: The most likely explanation is crappy piloting.

if her kid has major issues finding a sitter is probably not that easy. Not everyone lives someplace where shops are open till midnight, and again that may not be practical if the kid needs mom around to sleep.

Not everyone can afford to pay someone to watch their kids during non-money-making hours

Personally I would stick to short trips to small shops but not everyone has time to do multiple trips per week, sometimes shit needs to get done

I see both sides. One, this person does seem to be quite the bit more interested in her own wants than helping her child avoid meltdowns and learning to read her "warning signs."

On the other hand, anyone who has been a parent - even to a sleeping baby - out in public, has gotten criticism from strangers. Be it for using a bottle, breastfeeding, using cloth diapers (or disposable), dressing the child "wrong," or whatever. People really are rude busybodies to parents. I have had total strangers in the grocery store tell me what school I need to send my kids to. I've had barely-aquaintences tell me I'm horrible for letting my kid wear shorts on a brisk day.

So, yeah, the stroller thing - people should shut up. It's not their business if the kid should or should not be in a stroller at a given age. They don't know how long the kid has been up, physical ailments, etc.

But she's still out of line for expecting the world to just hang out while her kid screams.

She said: 'Skye has autism and when I took her shopping she wasn't having a good day, I was out for about two and a half hours and for two of them she was crying. I could tell people were staring at me but I was gob smacked that people actually had the nerve to come up to me and tell me to control my child. It just shocked me.'

She's less upset by a child crying loudly for two hours than a stranger having "the nerve" to say it's unacceptable:

'So she dealt with it the only way she knows how. To cover her ears, shake and cry. She was scared. She was upset. And she was panicking. She was NOT being naughty."

You let your child panic to the point of breakdown.

For two hours.

You are a shitty parent. QED.

I'm sorry, but where are we living, Communist Russia or something?

WHY DOESN'T THAT CHILD HAVE A HANDGUN?!

Not the mom, of course. She's way too stressed to be packin' heat.

When I'm training a new dog (not that different from a young child really, although when the dog eats crazy stuff they just call it being a dog) and the dog begins to fail in their public manners or behavior, it usually means that I have taken them into a situation that they are not ready for.

The answer is not to drag them through hours of agitation and bad behavior, the answer is to remove them from the situation and work on desensitizing them to the various issues one by one, gently. Also, if you see them chewing on the remote or soap or something, just take it away from them, don't whine about it.

Thank you, Ken. FIL was a wonderful person and we wanted to do our best. How much you can do with people really depends on how the illness presents. We were lucky that FIL was not aggressive, some people do become quite unmanageable. MIL has Lewy Body Dementia and in the mid stages she was quite belligerent and combative...we did not take her anywhere, we knew we couldn't manage her if she blew up. She is out of that stage, and now likes to go out and we feel able to take her.

This mother needs to study more, and learn more skills to avoid her child's meltdowns. You can't avoid them completely, but she seems to be needlessly triggering them. You'd think she'd get a clue by now.

☑ Posted by: KateC at March 7, 2016 8:32 AM

☑ Posted by: Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at March 7, 2016 3:17 PM

I was in a large Walmart about 5 years ago when a kid with autism had a meltdown. It's the kind of thing you remember 5 years later. Not your usual crying, not a pestering kind of cry, but an all-out ear-piercing freakout. The thing is the mother of the child acted like this was not happening. I was shopping for school supplies and remember watching her just meandering through the 5:00 crowd like Jack-Jack was not freaking out in her buggy. I later learned more about the kid's situation and that just the lights alone are too much stimulation for him. I get that mom really needed to shop, but why at 5:00? Why when the store is the busiest? And with no obvious attempt at consoling the child or trying to leave the store as quickly as possible, it just seemed to weird to watch her ambivalence to what the entire store was now party to and the obvious stress the child was in.

gooseegg, I am probably being too kind, but as a mother, sometimes all you GET is 5:00. Because you just left the pediatrician and are now waiting for a prescription. Or you were at work, or the other choice was during nap time (which would be worse for everyone). And if you wait, it's meal time and that's meltdown time for most kids.

It is (again, I'm being generous) possible that she was trying to get out as quickly as possible by NOT trying to sooth when she knew it would be futile. I've been there a couple times and there's really not much you can do - your kid is in pain or exhausted for whatever reason and you still need groceries. Obviously, not the time to comparison shop, but there's only so much you can do. (and this is when your pediatrician advises you to remove soy from your child's diet so you have to actually look at freaking ingredient lists, of course).

Sometimes it looks like the mom doesn't care, but she may have re-arranged her day to run that errand in the best-possible situation for the kid... and had it fail entirely. There is a point at which, you just do your thing and try again the next day. (but it's at least nice to mouth a "sorry" to those you pass)

Shannon - well said, I admit. There are far more details to consider than many non-parents (like myself) realize.

I also have to say: I shop in various supermarkets and the ONLY kids I see kicking, screaming, or trying to be destructive are those safely strapped down in their seats. I.e., kids under three. Where do so many of these stories of OLDER kids having meltdowns, autism-related or not, come from? Just how common are they?

BTW, here's a famous Belgian commercial that would never be made in the US. The only problem I have with it is that the kid actor, as I implied, really should have been no more than 3. That way, more parents would be forced to admit that yes, their kids DO act that way...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fitxofd7kOA