Expectations For Kids, Contractually Agreed Upon -- Great Idea, "Tiger Mom"
In an age when less and less is expected of kids, many bristle on doing the slightest thing, basically acting like totally lazy alcoholics without the alcoholism (except for those who have that, too).
Well, when the "Tiger Mom," Amy Chua, had her two adult daughters sharing her New York City pied-a-terre for the summer, she came up with a contract she had them sign, spelling out what she expected of them. Chua, who teaches contracts law at Yale, writes in the WSJ:
RENTAL AGREEMENTWHEREAS Amy Chua and Jed Rubenfeld are the owners of Apt. [XXX] at [XXX], and their children are not;
WHEREAS Children owe their parents everything, even in the West, where many have conflicted feelings about this;
NOW THEREFORE
In exchange for Amy and Jed allowing them to stay in their NYC apartment from June 1, 2016 to August 1, 2016, Sophia Chua-Rubenfeld and Louisa Chua-Rubenfeld agree to the following irrevocable duties and conditions:
1. To occupy only the junior bedroom.
2. To greet Jed Rubenfeld & Amy Chua with spontaneous joy and gratitude whenever they visit.
3. To make their (joint) bed every day, and not to fight about who does it.
4. To never, ever use the phrase, "Relax--it's not a big deal."
5. To always leave all internal doors in the apartment wide open whenever Jed, Amy or any company whatsoever (including relatives) are in the apartment, with an immaculately made bed in full view and no clothing or other junk on the floor of the bedroom in sight.
6. Whenever any guests visit, to come out of the bedroom immediately in a respectable state, greet the guests with enthusiasm, and sit and converse with the guests in the living room for at least 15 minutes.
7. To always be kind to our trusty Samoyeds Coco and Pushkin, who Sophia and Louisa hereby agree have greater rights to the apartment than Sophia and Louisa do, and to walk them to the dog park at least once a day when they visit, within 30 minutes of being asked to do so by Amy.
8. To fill the refrigerator with fresh OJ from Fairway for Jed on days when he is in town.
9. To keep the pillows in the living room in the right place and PLUMPED and to clean the glass table with Windex whenever it is used.
ADDITIONALLY, Sophia and Louisa agree that the above duties and conditions will not be excused even in the event of illness, hangovers, migraines, work crises or mental breakdowns (whether their own or their friends').
Sophia and Louisa agree that if they violate any one of these conditions, Amy and Jed will have the right to get the Superintendent or a doorman to restrain them from entering the apartment; and to change the locks.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, the parties have duly executed this agreement.
_________________ Amy Chua
_________________ Jed Rubenfeld
_________________ Sophia
_________________ Lulu
The contract was signed by all four of us and went into legal force two weeks ago, and I can now say with confidence that I highly recommend this approach for parents with grown children--at least in America, a land where the laws and social norms heavily favor children over parents. The last time Jed and I showed up at the apartment, the refrigerator was stocked with orange juice, the master bedroom looked duplicitously unused, and our daughters greeted us with spontaneous joy and gratitude.
She adds this:
In the end, of course, all that any of us really wants is to have our babies back, to hold them close and to spend time with them--and to have them want to spend time with us.Alas, we can't have their childhood again. But at least we have contracts.
She got a lot of sneering and huffiness in the WSJ comments, but there were also comments like this:
marc reichel
loved the article and idea, Amy!we have similar arrangements with our four kids on a different set of circumstances: summer jobs , household chores, and reading courses.
I suspect those commenting in the WSJ about what "nonsense" Chua's op-ed is have some other agenda. Here's "BILL OLIVER":
BILL OLIVER
Please. I cannot imagine taking time to write this nonsense if not desperate for attention and hungry for publicity. Life is short. Get on with it. Ignore this.
Again, I think this is a great idea. Without expectations, kids tend devolve to a level of laziness that isn't good for them -- or for kid-parent relations.
Things were expected of me as a kid, and though I grumbled about it (feeling largely like a suburban serf as I had to mow the lawn, etc.), it taught me a work ethic. Not long ago, my boyfriend and I had to cut out of a friend's really fun party at 10 p.m. His girlfriend, who wants to be a writer, said, "Are you taking a trip early tomorrow?"
I am a writer, and I said, "No, I have to be up at 5 a.m. to write."
From her reaction, I think she realized something about the difference between wanting to be a writer and actually being one.
via @CHSommers
I like it except for the no exceptions clause. Egads! Have some grace.
Her children have the choice of turning down the offer and paying rent.
It makes expectations clear.
My sister shared this and loved it. I just can't get over that exceptions clause though. I guess if you have never had a severe illness or migraine it makes sense, but if you have, it's nonsense. It's rare, but people, even in their 20's can die from those things - yet she would call the police and have them kicked out? Her claws are a little too sharp.
Yes, I didn't know that you can die from a migraine even though the pain was so bad I thought about shooting myself and was debilitated. I now know that they cause diminished blood flow to the brain. If it is severe enough, part of the brain dies. This my have caused one of my strokes or contributed to them. Yes, I was kicked out of the house at 18 for laziness (while still on medication for rheumatic fever that had attacked my joints and inflamed my heart) so this did hit home.
Jen at June 12, 2016 6:37 AM
Meh, this is standard S.E. Asian parental behaviour. If they (the parents) are unable to whip their kids like a piñata when they misbehave, then they pull these crazy contract stunts.
I feel sorry for these kids. One of them could become the first female president of the United States and still her mother would say something like I'm not comparing you with Hillary Clinton but she got away with more corruption. Again, I'm not making comparisons.
Sixclaws at June 12, 2016 6:57 AM
I agree that having expectations for one's children (adults included) is necessary... But this lady seems downright contemptuous toward her children.
Ahw at June 12, 2016 7:51 AM
Maybe the kids are going grow up, come back for Christmas, and say Hey, you sniggering Frostbitch, who the Fuck told you it was cool to share the most intimate details of my personal development with media for money?
Maybe they'll write a book about her decline into loathsome senescence: Desiccated sexuality, humiliations from memory loss, bowel & bladder accidents, etc... A best-seller!
Crid at June 12, 2016 8:29 AM
Oh Crid, how horrible that anyone anywhere should have their entitlements curtailed, should be asked to accept any constraints whatsoever on their behavior!
A crime deserving the most condign vengeance, to be sure. BTW, how's your Mom?
Serpent's Tooth at June 12, 2016 9:19 AM
She teaches contracts law. When all you have is a hammer . . .
Item 2 made me think this was a spoof. "We agree that you will demonstrate spontaneous joy and gratitude upon your arrival." That's quite the queenly bargain. My kid would have a ball faking that one.
She's trying. I respect that.
Canvasback at June 12, 2016 9:21 AM
If you need to spell it out like this for your adult kids, you've already failed.
NicoleK at June 12, 2016 9:22 AM
The proper response from an adult child is 'no'.
If pressed by the parental units, the proper response is 'fuck no'.
One should love your parents. But that doesn't mean you have to like them.
I R A Darth Aggie at June 12, 2016 9:26 AM
> how horrible that anyone anywhere
> should have their entitlements
> curtailed
Is that what you thought my comment was about? Truly?
It's always hard to tell whether people here are [A.] so blinded by petty, inchoate passions that they project adversarial meaning onto other people's words, without regard to the argument that's actually being offered or [B.] are just fuckin' illiterate.
(And I'd bet [A.] is going to be a big problem in the days ahead. People know the fight they wanna have, and like you, Serpy, they're going to start it whether or not it's on the table.)
Tell you what, Serpy—— If you want to turn your own children's most vulnerable intimacies into a quick buck on Amazon, go ahead... I probably wasn't gonna like your kids anyway.
I'll tell Mom you asked.
Crid at June 12, 2016 9:55 AM
The "right place" is not defined. That's sloppy contract writing. And Chua teaches contracts at Yale.
Conan the Grammarian at June 12, 2016 10:05 AM
She teaches marketing everywhere.
Crid at June 12, 2016 10:08 AM
I'd wager those kids aren't going to dissolve in tears when they get to college and are faced with a minor challenge.
Kevin at June 12, 2016 10:25 AM
Mommie Dearest was Christina Crawford's revenge/therapy for her mother using her and her brother as publicity props. Joan was, of course, dead by the time the book came out and was unable to refute the claims made inside.
Tiger Mom should be mindful of abusively using her authoritarian ways, lest Tiger Daughter Number One someday writes a less-than-flattering tell-all about Tiger Mom. It would be by default be less-than-flattering to Tiger Mom's inflated opinion of her own parenting skills.
I will admit, however, that I find some of her methods intriguing. Watching nieces and nephews who sometimes take ruthless advantage of parental and grandparental generosity and willingness to forgive makes me appreciate to some small degree Tiger Mom's cynicism about her own children.
Conan the Grammarian at June 12, 2016 10:34 AM
Cynicism about human nature is one of my favorite things!... Like cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels. Like doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles.
Rote expressions of cynicism about the mundane personal challenges and growth of one's own children for profit is something else.
Crid at June 12, 2016 11:29 AM
Having seen pre-teens so absorbed in their cell phone lives that they do nothing else and did not acknowledge anyone else, she's teaching them to actually engage others as we did in the pre-Internet days.
(Yes children, cell phones and computers did not always exist. Why do you know that McD's also did not exist at one point? Yes, we had to ride the bus to school because our parents only had one car and Dad (yes we had Dads) had to drive that to work (yes our Dads worked). I am telling you the truth!)
Bob in Texas at June 12, 2016 12:17 PM
Absolutely, this is a "spoof" and more clever marketing by "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" (see link above to get the book through Amy's portal). Well, worth reading!
I especially love:
"To greet Jed Rubenfeld & Amy Chua with spontaneous joy and gratitude whenever they visit."
Now, that IS cool. And her book is a great read - totally spoofing the "Tiger Mother" image.
**Spoiler Alert**
I loved the part in her book where she complained that her daughter had a concert in Carnegie Hall; but, she still "failed" because it wasn't in the BIGGER hall, the concert was held in the smaller hall at that venue. What a hysterical book!
charles at June 12, 2016 12:24 PM
If you need to spell it out like this for your adult kids, you've already failed.
NicoleK at June 12, 2016 9:22 AM
______________________________________
Very good point.
One should not have to micromanage teens or even preteens - if they're not afraid enough of your disapproval/punishments to follow the rules without being reminded, you've already failed.
lenona at June 12, 2016 3:39 PM
"... I just can't get over that exceptions clause though. ..."
It is an unenforceable contract Jen. If she calls the cops to evict her kids they'll say some shit to calm her down and give her some pointless papers to fill out and then do nothing.
Same to those complaining about sloppy contract work. As a legal document it doesn't work on it's face. Why bother crossing all the i's and dotting all the t's. (yes that was intentional)
"If you need to spell it out like this for your adult kids, you've already failed."
Yep. NicoleK got that right.
Also, her kids are in their 20s. What they hell are they doing vacationing in mommy and daddy's vacation home without asking their parents first?
I've had friends who fell on troubled times and moved in with me for a bit. If they want to stay here they have to sign the rental agreement. If you don't have money you pay in labor. You only get 6 months and then you have to leave. I have started the eviction process when one boarder didn't want to go. I'm willing to help out but I will not enable bad behavior.
Ben at June 12, 2016 4:27 PM
Oh she's so annoying. If you have to get your children to sign a blood oath to greet you with "joy", you've already lost.
KateC at June 12, 2016 4:27 PM
Her relationship with her children must be awful.
Patrick at June 12, 2016 5:48 PM
That Carnegie Hall story from Charles called to mind a story I'd read several weeks ago... But I was concerned that such a coarsely-phrased Google search wouldn't find the piece I was looking for.
No worries.
It's my understanding, and correct me if I'm wrong, that Carnegie Hall is a commercial venue like any other. If your little girl didn't make it to the big room, it's because you didn't but it for her. It's not a meritocracy.
Crid at June 12, 2016 7:42 PM
Buy. Y'know.
Crid at June 12, 2016 7:43 PM
If you're greeting your parents with "joy and gratitude" because you're contractually obligated to, it's not "spontaneous."
Szoszolo at June 12, 2016 11:07 PM
Szoszolo at June 12, 2016 11:07 PM :
See also, expressions of praise for an omnipotent, vengeful Almighty.
Crid at June 13, 2016 12:26 AM
The daughters were going to be in New York working over the summer and since Mom and Dad had an apartment there, stay in the apartment rent free. They were taken aback when Mom said she would be there, too.
I'm sure Sophia and Lulu had the bedroom splits planned, the parties arranged, and all the things that 20-somethings imagine they can do now that they're old enough to drink legally and have a destination apartment in NYC all to themselves for a summer (instead of that crappy loft they share with 6 other friends from college) when Tiger Mom crashed the party.
Side topic: Who names their kid Lulu?
Conan the Grammarian at June 13, 2016 4:31 AM
Christopher Robin Milne was very unhappy his dad commercialized his childhood. That had an adverse effect on their relationship.
Conan the Grammarian at June 13, 2016 5:32 AM
"Say hello to Grannie, Say hello to Mme X," is what I am teaching my 5-year-old. I expect to have to reinforce this over the years. I expect I will have to go over it when my kid is a sulky 13-year old.
I do not expect to have to when they are an adult.
NicoleK at June 13, 2016 9:52 AM
Side topic: Who names their kid Lulu?
______________________________________
A fan of "To Sir With Love," maybe?
https://www.google.com/#q=lulu+singer
lenona at June 13, 2016 12:04 PM
Side topic: Who names their kid Lulu?
______________________________________
A fan of "To Sir With Love," maybe?
https://www.google.com/#q=lulu+singer
lenona at June 13, 2016 12:04 PM
Those were the daaaa-ays....🎶
Crid at June 13, 2016 2:28 PM
Ah, got it wrong. Schoolgirl days...
Pity not to have forgotten entirely.
Crid at June 13, 2016 2:30 PM
Liked the movie. Forgot the singer. Thanks for the reminder, lenona.
Conan the Grammarian at June 13, 2016 2:48 PM
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