Men Aren't To Blame Because A Woman Lacks Boundaries
Sadly, figuring out how to say no takes a little more than figuring out how to whine about the results of failing to do that.
A woman -- Avigayil Halpern -- published an article-length whine in the Yale Daily News about the results of her failure to be assertive or set boundaries:
Like many Yale students, I lead a busy life. My time is full of homework, emails and meetings. But the homework, emails and meetings I deal with are not just my own: To abuse a term, I work a "second shift" managing those things for the men in my life.Many Yale men, by now, are familiar with the concept of "emotional labor." Male friends rarely expect me to discuss their relationships with them for hours on end, and left-leaning men I'm close with almost never talk to me about their feelings at length without ironically asking if they're a "softboy." I'm lucky not to do unreciprocated emotional work for my friends -- most Yale women can't say the same. But in all the discussion of and worry over emotional labor, men have lost sight of the "real" labor they expect women to do.
The collective hours Yale women spend managing men's lives -- doing work that, in another context, could go on a resume as administrative assistant experience -- could probably add up to taking another class. In a given week, I help men remember what the homework is and when it's due. I remind men to attend meetings they scheduled themselves, set up chairs for programs I no longer run and always get asked to take notes in meetings.
The load of these individually tiny tasks is death by a thousand cuts. There's not a good way to tell a male friend to look up the homework himself on Canvas instead of texting him back when he asks what it is. I once snapped at a man who constantly asks me what a regular meeting we had was and was told not to "go into hysterics." Who is so selfish that she will not tell a friend a simple piece of information? At this point, though, I've spent hours of my life passing on easily accessible information to this man.
If, stuck in this trap, a woman performs these tiny tasks, it becomes increasingly harder to say no. A friend describes a freshman counselor who took a language class with her in the fall of her first year who would text her every week to ask what the homework was. Over time, she says, she began to feel responsible for keeping him up to date, even explaining assignments to him.
If you're unhappy about how you're being treated, there's a simple answer: Speak up. Tell people you want to be treated differently. Each time you feel that way. Not as a general screed in the college newspaper.
Behaving differently is also extremely helpful.
And guess what: If you generally telegraph to people that you are not there for the using -- and, if need be, show them and/or tell them that's the case -- they will move on to more accommodating marks.
P.S. Bizarre attempt at creating a clever word -- "dele-guy-ting" -- for her headline and spelled slightly differently within the piece.
Oh, and I found this link tweeted as a response to the remarks by Linda Gottfredson that I posted an excerpt from on Saturday. My response, in brief, is in the tweet below.
@tcjfs @YeyoZa A woman whining that it's all men's fault - because that's easier than just being assertive and/or accountable for failing to be.
— Amy Alkon (@amyalkon) April 16, 2017
It's not easy for a Yalie to grab a slice of Victim Cred, so she's working up a visible sweat here.
BTW, almost nothing she cites has the ring of truth -- not uncommon when activists retail anecdotes. Ferinstance:
Really? In all the years I've spent on college campuses I've never seen or heard the like of it.
Lastango at April 15, 2017 11:00 PM
> Many Yale men, by now, are familiar with the concept of "emotional labor." Male friends rarely expect me to discuss their relationships with them for hours on end, and left-leaning men I'm close with almost never talk to me about their feelings at length without ironically asking if they're a "softboy." I'm lucky not to do unreciprocated emotional work for my friends -- most Yale women can't say the same. But in all the discussion of and worry over emotional labor, men have lost sight of the "real" labor they expect women to do.
Men are told, "you need to open up to me. You just cannot say, 'everything was fine at work'. You have to really open up".
Men are told, "women do emotional labor for you."
It's the reverse of course:
Men don't want to hear your shit.
Men are told, "just listen to us, don't tell us what to do."
------------
>> The collective hours Yale women spend managing men's lives -- doing work that, in another context, could go on a resume as administrative assistant experience -- could probably add up to taking another class.
> Really? In all the years I've spent on college campuses I've never seen or heard the like of it.
It's right there in the books, Hermione is often seen making schedules for Ron and Harry so they can pass their OWLs and NEWTs.
jerry at April 16, 2017 12:47 AM
It's right there in the books, Hermione is often seen making schedules for Ron and Harry
Are you calling Avigayil Halpern a witch?
dee nile at April 16, 2017 4:32 AM
If women do not bother to hang around actual responsible men, I have little pity for them.
Chester White at April 16, 2017 5:34 AM
1. Gotta be a Title IX complaint in there somewhere.
2. What Chester said.
3. Think she'd get really upset if her males friends 'ghosted' her after this? That's her next whine.
4. "I once snapped at a man who constantly asks me what a regular meeting we had was and was told not to "go into hysterics."' Guess this "man" thought she was a colleague, fellow student, or perhaps a "friend". She reinforced every female stereotype he has (PMS, emotional, frail, etc.).
Bob in Texas at April 16, 2017 5:47 AM
"In a given week, I help men remember what the homework is and when it's due. I remind men to attend meetings they scheduled themselves, set up chairs for programs I no longer run and always get asked to take notes in meetings."
I can only exclaim WHY!?!?
Like Lastango I call bullshit. I've never seen this on a college campus. If a guy (or girl) can't figure that much out they deserve to flunk out. You aren't helping them by becoming by becoming their new mommy. And it isn't sexy either. Just enabling floormat behavior.
Ben at April 16, 2017 7:12 AM
nothing new - some women like to do nothing better than play the role of martyr - she is just doing it with feminist ideology.
charles at April 16, 2017 9:07 AM
Sounds like she should be looking for a better class of guy.
Old RPM Daddy (OldRPMDaddy at GMail dot com) at April 16, 2017 9:40 AM
I have absolutely no fucking idea what she is talking about.
Just don't respond to texts and don't answer calls unless you want to do it. My phone is for MY convenience not anyone else's.
Then when asked about it...I was busy.
Katrina at April 16, 2017 9:59 AM
Some of this may be possible. Without a helicopter Mom around, what's a boy to do? Find a surrogate. I could see her being disgusted. Magnifying her suffering is unhealthy. As recommended above she should make a social adjustment.
Though this does tie in with yesterday's discussion of women taking on committee work. They just can't stop.
Canvasback at April 16, 2017 10:23 AM
Avigayil. A-V-I-G-A-Y-I-L. Interesting.
Maybe she's doing what she has to do to get what she needs to get (maybe what Tommy Sotomayor refers to as "D 'n A"). Maybe other girls get it easier, even turn the circumstances around, and she's starting to feel resentful. She must be getting something out of it or she'd be too busy doing other things.
Ken R at April 16, 2017 11:37 AM
W/college loans and living on campus w/meals provided do kids have to work during college?
She has a lot of time on her hands to be doing this stuff but maybe there's nothing left to do?
I have no clue as college for me was in the early '70's, married, living off campus, working, doing stuff, and so on. I was trying to survive, keep my deferment from 'Nam, and graduate so I could find work and support the little one on the way.
Bob in Texas at April 16, 2017 11:52 AM
> It's not easy for a Yalie to
> grab a slice of Victim Cred
If only... See next blog post.
Crid at April 16, 2017 5:58 PM
Good points, Canvasback - especially the first three sentences. Trouble is, it can be difficult for young people to understand what childish demands from one's peers are, if they don't know any peers who DON'T make childish demands. Or what certain rules of politeness are when no one follows them.
On the flip side, I remember (from 1990, maybe) an article by a novelist who was accused by some female college students (she was a guest lecturer on campus, IIRC) of being sexist. She denied it and mentioned her feminist credentials. The lead student said something like "but in your novels, there are strong, smart, independent women who turn around and fall for men who treat them badly. You don't know any women like that, do you?"
The novelist said, in the article: "I couldn't dignify this question with an answer."
Personally, *I* thought, at the time (being close to college age myself) that that was extremely unfair and snobbish of her. After all, when you're young, it's too easy to assume that your small circle of friends AND enemies really does represent the world - and that any "bizarre" characters who don't resemble your friends or enemies only exist in fiction. I'm still not sure it wasn't unfair of her, even if the students themselves may have been impolite in their accusations.
lenona at April 18, 2017 9:55 AM
I found the 1994 article - the novelist is Pam Houston, born in 1962. (Turns out the students were grad students, IIRC.) The event was in Hattiesburg, Mississippi.
From Wikipedia:
"She is best known for her first book, Cowboys Are My Weakness (1992), which has been translated into nine languages, and which won the 1993 Western States Book Award. Also, "Cowboys Are My Weakness" was named a New York Times Notable Book in 1992.
"Houston's stories have been selected for volumes of Best American Short Stories, The O. Henry Awards, The Pushcart Prize, and Best American Short Stories of the Century."
And, from her site:
"She lives on a ranch at 9,000 feet in Colorado near the headwaters of the Rio Grande."
lenona at April 19, 2017 6:31 AM
I never saw anything line Ms. Halpern describes, but my college years are long ago and in state colleges. If I believed her, I'd never hire a male Yale graduate. The days when a man at the entry to mid levels of a professional field would have a secretary to keep his appointments straight are long gone.
As for the author, I do know women like that. Most notably my step-daughter, who has gone through all the unsuitable men in Otsego County, MI.
markm at April 29, 2017 3:36 PM
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