"How exhausting it is to have to defend your right to excel, and to take on the additional burden of having to explain that you shoulder this burden at all."

Sister, whatever you're doing, it isn't that. Talent is gratefully acknowledged by the audience if they know what the hell it is you're doing.

I've been looking recently at whether there's a difference in the sort of women who help other women vs. backstabbing, and the thing I see in the women who will help you is what I'd call "dominance."

They are highly successful in their own right, in one domain or multiple domains, but there's something else I realized just now: They also feel secure.

The professor who recommended me for a speaking engagement -- to speak to the faculty and students (about 500 people) at Cal State Fullerton -- is a widely respected, famous, successful researcher.

Good female friends from Redlands (profs, that is) who look out for me and vice versa and who are "straight up" people are highly strong and confident. Same goes for a magazine editor friend and my friend Kate, who is from Montana, who can probably rope a bull and then some while wearing really cute shoes -- and who has to be talked down from going after people who wrong her friends.

This isn't to say we each don't have insecurities.

But I think there's a certain kind of woman who you can count on to have your back, and I think maybe a factor in this is both being dominant in some way and/or feeling secure. I'm not sure how this dovetails with evolutionary theory -- how that would have helped us survive, mate, etc. But I haven't gotten that far, so maybe I'm wrong and this is wishful thinking about my good friends.

"Feminism "is full of stories like this: of women who are not made happy by what is supposed to make them happy.""

That is because Feminism doesn't make women happy. To the contrary it tends to make them unhappy, bitter, and angry. This seems to be an inherent part of all branches of Marxism.

If people are happy they aren't motivated to revolt for utopia. This is why Marx called religion the opiate of the masses. In his view it was a major force keeping people from working for a better world. But there is a huge underpants gnomes factor here.

1. Make everyone unhappy so they revolt in favor of utopia.
2. ???
3. Everyone is happy in utopia.

After spending all your effort making everyone unhappy how are they going to become happy in utopia? There is no end to the hate and pain in victimization ideologies. No matter how good things get they are always still horrible. So just like how the underpants gnomes eternally search for profit with no realistic way to get there so too the Marxist eternally searches for utopia while doing everything in their power to never get there.

Amy, there is something to what you are talking about. But here are a few differing thoughts. Both men and women are violent. It is inherent in the human nature. But how they express that violence is different for the two genders. Men are far more likely to be physically violent while women are far more likely to be emotionally violent. As a society we've gotten fairly good at training men to have self control and to resist those physically violent ways. The women you know probably have good self control and don't express their natural emotionally violent ways. Self control is good for both genders but as a group we really don't do a good job teaching it to women. In fact I expect some rather angry comments about how even saying women need to learn to control their emotional violence is misogynistic and evil and such.

I think it's because we are "living at a time when there's more physical comfort than ever before in history and frankly, more help than ever for being psychologically comfortable. " that we have this incessant whining.

With no great challenges, they must stretch and distort reality to find something to make them special.

Nope. Sorry Beca, this isn't about men. This is how women interact with each other. I am a fairly direct person, but when dealling with other women on serious topics, I always have to soft pedal everything bc women don't like just the facts. That manner of speaking is perceived as "mean", "cold" or off-putting. If this bothers her, she shouldn't do it. Say what you mean and move on down the road. She should skip the apology, but she won't bc in her darkest heart what she really fears is that people won't like her anymore if she says what she means and that's on her; not the men of this world.

Oh, cripes. This girl sounds like she's demanding a prize simply for Being the Special Someone She Is. And that, actually, is something she should apologize for.

Young men often seem primed to believe that the young women in their lives have masculine, pornography-style sexual appetites. This presumption flatters and soothes them. Then they go into the world and are disappointed.

Young women often seem primed to believe in a sisterhood of shared interests such that other women with no meaningful attachment are likely to offer assistance for nothing in return. This presumption flatters and soothes them. Then they go into the world and are disappointed.

No joke: I've read that youth soccer (etc.) for girls diminishes their naivete.

Teenage boys can't be helped.

"to enjoy our weddings or our domestic assignments, to agree with men's arguments or praise their accomplishments"
Ok, let me stop you right there. Don't want to enjoy your own wedding? Is that because it isn't perfect enough or because there is a man in it? Oh and god forbid you might praise your man for his accomplishments--don't you seek praise for your accomplishments? Does it diminish you somehow to praise someone else? At a recent gathering, one of our male friends (age 52) just ran his first marathon--all the guys were congratulating him and asking him all about it. Did this diminish us somehow?
As for agreeing with a man's arguments, I am afraid that too many women don't read the newspaper or any books besides novels, if that. If any topic comes up among the guys, one of us can explain it in detail: ancient Roman construction techniques, EPA air pollution regs for cars, how to get squirrels out of your attic, Usain Bolt's running style, you name it. Women don't find such stuff interesting and can't carry on such conversations. So go ahead, resent "mansplaining" but it is men who know how things work.
Oh, and men respect someone who knows what the hell they are talking about. No one is trying to keep you down lady, except the universe which doesn't care.

"Hey, that looks good! I want that! What do you mean it costs (time) (money) (effort) (emotional fortitude) (commitment)?! NO FAIR!".

Edit as needed, apply liberally.

If I, a man, entered that field I would expect to be apologizing a lot too, at least until I had some experience. This lament sounds like just another snowflake, looking for racism (or in her case sexism) everywhere, and of course finding it even when it isn't there. If she can get the chip off her shoulder she still has time to be a success in life.

Like all the soi-disant oppressed in this country, what feminists want is what they already have: double-standards that favor them.

They want society's sanction to bash and say all manner of evil and hate against men, but at the same time to scream "Sexism!" "Misogyny!" "Patriarchy!" at the slightest perceived offense against women, real or imagined.

Teenage boys can't be helped. - Crid

Course not, if they could the species would die out within a generation or two

"How exhausting it is to have to defend your right to excel..."

How's about just go out and excel? Maybe that won't be so tiring, esp. if you don't make a big deal of it after the fact, either.

Thinking back on my career, I can see that in general people who are above one in the academic/business world have an incentive to keep others below them. They are not in a hurry to praise the newcomers who might take their jobs, not in a hurry to promote and give tenure. This applies to all junior people, male and female. They have both an ego disincentive, and a financial/job disincentive. Do not expect to be welcomed like this lady seems to think she should.

In my experience, at least, strangers, male or female, say "I'm sorry" to each other WAY too much. All the time. Must be an American thing of sorts, even if southerners accuse those in the north of a lack of manners (mostly those connected with the words please, thank you, ma'am, and sir, I suspect).

On the flip side, Jim Belushi wrote a book, way back, called "Real Men Don't Apologize." Haven't read it, but I wonder what he thinks of women who do the same.

From 2014:

Amy says: "It Never Ceases To Amaze Me, All The Ways People Find To Excuse Their Behavior"

http://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2014/08/11/it_never_ceases.html

Here's what I posted in it:

...Let's not forget, though, that there IS such a thing as over-apologizing, and there are unreasonable people who get offended when they expect an undeserved apology and don't get it...

In the humor collection "Pulling Our Own Strings," one editor was Mary Kay Blakely, who wrote an essay (in the 1970s?) about why women need to start a strike on saying 'I'm sorry.' It was very eye-opening, and a one-sentence summary might be: "Learn to substitute the words 'that's a shame' at least four out of five times."

Excerpt:

"At home, when your son moans that he's late for the school dance and you haven't washed his shirt yet, don't say 'I'm sorry.' Remind him that you possess perhaps the only equal-opportunity washing machine in the neighborhood - it works for anybody who pushes the buttons. At work when the chair of the meeting asks for someone to take the minutes and everybody turns to you, the only woman in the room, don't say 'I'm sorry.' Demonstrate your knowledge of biology and remind them that shorthand skills are not genetic in women. The next time your family itemizes the services not rendered, don't say 'I'm sorry.' Suggest that someone else will have to pick up the slack. When the Hare Krishna makes a plea for money at your door, don't say 'I'm sorry.' Mention that a few adjustments in his attire might result in landing a paid position."

"I'm Sorry, You're Sorry":

http://books.google.com/books?id=eyK52OvOMb0C&pg=PA8&lpg=PA8&dq=%22i'm+sorry,+you're+sorry%22++blakeley&source=bl&ots=UbnnxkIEAy&sig=4qtSZLhQ6p5qU9xQBLX6dZvK3nw&hl=en&sa=X&ei=ylumUtyAJfSksQTfh4CwBw&ved=0CCkQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=%22i'm%20sorry%2C%20you're%20sorry%22%20%20blakeley&f=false

Unfortunately, the essay is no longer accessible - but the table of contents is still worth looking over.

On the flip side, Jim Belushi wrote a book, way back, called "Real Men Don't Apologize." Haven't read it, but I wonder what he thinks of women who do the same.
____________________________________

I meant, of course, what does he think of women who don't apologize any more than he does?

At work when the chair of the meeting asks for someone to take the minutes and everybody turns to you, the only woman in the room, don't say 'I'm sorry.' Demonstrate your knowledge of biology and remind them that shorthand skills are not genetic in women.

There've been a few articles about this in recent years.

I remember working on a project with a couple of women one time in particular. In a long night of work, every single suggestion, request or directive they presented to me prefaced with "Sorry, Cridmo, but could we ______." It was emotionally manipulative in trivial ways, and it was weird.

One of the women in particular was a friend as much as a work partner. It wasn't our usual pattern of working together. I think one or both of the women was in a mood that night, or maybe they both just got off to a weird start at the top of the session and never got their mojo back.

But after a few hours of this, I wanted to shout at them Just tell me what you fucking want.

No doubt they were reading, and perhaps misappraising, that vibe as well.

speaking as a success in academics, law, finances, tennis, and bridge, I think that many women in America are very unhappy, possibly because they have been ignored as infants (studies show that mothers give male babies 6 times more attention than female babies); possibly because their expectations are much higher than in other countries where the women are much happier even though worse treated - England, France, Italy, even China; possibly because they are ignored when speaking - this is my personal experience, even though I am incredulous because my older brothers and even father always listened to me, they even seek my advice; possibly because their self hatred is translated into a vicious competitive desire to demean other women they feel threatened by - there are social psychology studies explaining that they are so mean because they feel that they can only compete for second place, never first and the frustration leads to this unkind cattiness. I think that your personal experience of worthiness in your infancy molds your confidence and ability to accept reversals and social rejection. We cannot change the past, but we can understand what happened if we are willing to see clearly, and we can do better than our parents.