Unf*ckology: How To Talk To People When You Feel Uncomfortable Even Approaching Them
As I write in my upcoming science-based book, Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence (Jan. 23, 2018), just deciding to approach people and engage with them, despite your fears, is how you connect with people and seize opportunities instead of just watching while other people run off with them.
Jennifer Latson writes in June in New York Mag about people with Williams Syndrome, "a rare genetic disorder sometimes called 'cocktail party syndrome' because it makes people extremely outgoing and irrepressibly friendly."
She lays out an encounter between 12-year-old Eli D'Angelo, who has Williams Syndrome, and a gruff biker:
I once watched the gregarious 12-year-old approach a scowling man in a leather jacket and chaps as he secured his Harley in a restaurant parking lot. He didn't look like he was in the mood for conversation, but his expression softened as soon as Eli complimented his bike. When Eli reached out to hug him, he hugged back.Even more intimidating was the group of teenage girls Eli once greeted at an after-school soccer practice. With smiles and flattery, he talked them into drawing him a picture of a two-headed guitar-playing zombie who shoots laser beams from his eyes. (The inspiration came from a YouTube video for Eli's favorite Alice Cooper song.)
You couldn't pay me enough to approach an unfamiliar biker -- or worse, a teenager. The idea of talking to anyone I don't already know fills me with an acute dread that I've channeled into developing my own superpowers: avoiding eye contact and noticing something interesting on the ground. Eli, however, greets everyone exuberantly. He hugs strangers and tells them he loves them.
Williams comes with "intellectual impairments and serious health issues," Larson explains.
But as I explain in Unf*ckology, your feelings should not be the boss of you.
You don't have to let your fears and misgivings drive how you behave.
You can just put yourself out there enthusiastically, like Eli does.
Now, there are some caveats to this. If you are not exactly Mr. or Miss Bubbles, your version of "enthusiasm!" is going to be on the lower ranges, compared with Eli's or other more naturally bubbly, connect-y people.
And if you are just faking it -- if you don't like people and don't really care about them -- that's likely to come through.
But Larson notes something important:
What I learned wasn't the secret to engaging banter. It was that putting yourself out there -- being open, genuine, and vulnerable in your desire to connect with others -- is more important than managing every interaction perfectly.
And finally, I thought these practical tips she learned from Eli were helpful:
Eli did teach me some valuable small-talk techniques. He usually greets new people with variations on the same three icebreakers: "I like your shirt," "How'd you sleep?" and "Do you have a dog?" Although the formula is his own, the approach could have been lifted straight from an etiquette book: start with a compliment, inquire after the person's well-being, and then choose a conversational topic you know will appeal. Who among us, after all, doesn't want to talk about our pets?
These icebreakers reflect something I've written about in my science-based advice column -- that you just need to make contact. You just need to say something. As I responded in an email-- in part -- to a guy who wrote, "I'm a single guy, and I just never know how to start conversations with girls":
Even if you aren't naturally funny, what you can be is genuine. To do this, just say something -- perhaps about something in the environment. Ask about that book she's carrying or whether she's survived the vegan Reuben. Maybe comment on the attire of the two armed men running out of the place with a bag of money. Just saying something is basically like opening a tiny door to see whether anything's behind it. If a woman finds you attractive, she'll pick up and respond -- and probably not by announcing that if you were the last man on earth, she'd develop a sexual attraction to trees.
I used to be terrified of talking to people at parties or mixers. Then I learned a simple trick. I go up to a person or small group of people and say something like, “I came here with a friend, but I really don’t know anyone else here. I’m Michael.”
It works about 4 our 5 times. Also, when I was single, if said with confidence, it worked with women.
And the best part about this trick is that it’s not a trick. It’s purely confident honesty.
Michael at January 10, 2018 11:18 PM
The favorite piece about Williams.
Crid at January 11, 2018 12:59 AM
That's a great line, Michael.
Amy Alkon at January 11, 2018 5:48 AM
Crid, thanks for link to that Williams syndrome piece.
Amy Alkon at January 11, 2018 5:52 AM
One of the issues of social engagement re dating is that the early encounters, being most successful if you are glib and outgoing, do not predict how good a partner someone will be. Some of the most stable people to be married to are rather stoic, boring, not outgoing (not necessarily introverts). For example I saw statistics that engineers have only a 7% divorce rate: good income, can fix things, and women don't flock around them to mess up the marriage. Some of the most outgoing professions: sales, journalism, psychologist, have both high alcoholism and high divorce rates.
cc at January 11, 2018 8:38 AM
“Some of the most stable people to be married to are rather stoic, boring, not outgoing (not necessarily introverts). For example I saw statistics that engineers have only a 7% divorce rate: good income, can fix things, and women don't flock around them to mess up the marriage.”
Absolutely. My terrifically handsome Engineer husband could only recognize a woman had made a pass at him about an hour after it happened. (Married 37 years now)
He is personable, kind, generous, and quite outgoing with his family, his co workers and his employees.
He does not chat up random people, he does not know. Nor does he need to.
Isab at January 11, 2018 9:58 AM
"My terrifically handsome Engineer husband could only recognize a woman had made a pass at him about an hour after it happened. "
Lol, that's me. Some years ago, on a business trip, I was sitting at a table in the hotel lounge after work, trying to finish up a few things. A woman I didn't know came and sat down at my table. It was rather crowded, so I didn't think anything about it; I just assumed she couldn't find anywhere else to sit. I said hi and went back to my work. But she wanted to chat. And chat. After about 20 minutes, the light dawned: She's hitting on me. Oh no! What do I do? I wound up asking her if she was feeling lonely, and she spilled her guts about difficulties in her marriage. I asked her if she had children, and she said yes, so we got to talking about that, and that cheered her up some. She ended up saying that she was glad for the company, that she had never thought about cheating before, and she appreciated me not taking her up on the initial offer. After I got home, I told my wife about it, and she was highly amused.
Cousin Dave at January 11, 2018 11:56 AM
"Just saying something is basically like opening a tiny door to see whether anything's behind it. If a woman finds you attractive, she'll pick up and respond -- and probably not by announcing that if you were the last man on earth, she'd develop a sexual attraction to trees."
Very true. A lot of PUAs spend time focusing on what you say and how you say it; they don't understand that if they want to get more dates they should improve their appearance and then it doesn't really matter as much what they say.
Sadly you get guys who approach thousands of women without getting one date. They spend hours approaching and analyzing the exact words they use but not one minute in the gym. Very sad.
Most guys I know just don't talk to women, or anyone in general. They are too scared to come off as weird or to be labled as a creep. And to be fair to them modern society, and modern feminism, do send the message that talking to girls in public is creepy. And there are bad women who call guys creepy just for saying hi while ugly. All in all it's a sad state of affairs where male sexuality is demonized.
Another thing I noticed is that the first few times you talk to a girl you probably will creep her out. You won't pick up on the social cues and body language she uses to tell you weather she's interested or not. There is a learning curve to flirting. It would be nice if we lived in a society that would explain to men when they are being pushy and annoying without demonizing them as sexual predetors.
Anon at January 11, 2018 2:33 PM
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