"Gratitude is an antidote to resentment and bitterness and a manifestion, I believe, of a life affirming courage."

https://twitter.com/jordanbpeterson/status/1065797803111198727

I really hope people will try my suggestion at the end of the post.

Consider how good you can make people (including strangers) feel by just telling them you appreciate them in some small way. How they're doing their job, what they're doing, how thoughtful you observed they were to another person...

I just bought a bunch of $5 Starbucks cards. At some point between now and Christmas, the med aides and receptionists at each facility I see patients at will be getting one from me, along with a face to face Thank You for taking such good care of your residents and we providers.

I bet this lady is a joy at dinner parties. God bless the people who can muster up a Thank You for her.

This woman must be truly insufferable.

in fact, it's that we're a bunch of ingrates

Did your house burn down with all your stuff and prized possessions in it? did you lose your job? did a loved one die recently?

No? I guess you really don't have anything to give thanks for.

My parents got me started with the whole, "yes, ma'am, no ma'am, thank you ma'am" but living in the south really ingrained it into me. Society has enough rough spots as is, let's not add to that by being less socially graceful.

A feeling of entitlement is the death of gratitude. It causes teens to resent their parents, even hate them, for the things they imagine they should have gotten but did not. My parents never bought me a car, but I didn't even think twice about it.
Entitlement also plays into the many people who resent our country. They somehow imagine that the country owes them peace, a great job, perfect foreign policy, total elimination of racism (difficult of course when you imagine it everywhere you turn). When they don't see this perfection, they resent it. The proper comparison is not to perfection but to how things used to be and how they still are in the rest of the world. The contradiction between "this is the worst country on Earth" and "let the caravan come in" does not seem to register.

I thought she was going to go off on the GRATITUDE fad among Yoga ladies.

It's so pretentious and transparent that they're trying to appear grateful - for what??, for their tight bodies of course - i.e. please envy my tight body - it's not GRATITUDE at all, it's BRAGITUDE.

Going out of your way to notice other people, be polite, and especially to say thank you is, well, like magic fairy dust. Except the resulting sparkle added to everyone's day (9 times out of 10) isn't imaginary. I've also discovered that the magic words are usually "I APPRECIATE that you/how you/what you..." Try telling a no-doubt-wearing customer service rep that you appreciated the help that he or she gave you, even if the answer was that the company couldn't grant your request...it's just a jolt of warmth and sometimes even joy.

I think Heinlein put it best: "Moving parts in rubbing contact require lubrication to avoid excessive wear. Honorifics and formal politeness provide lubrication where people rub together. Often the very young, the untravelled, the naive, the unsophisticated deplore these formalities as "empty," "meaningless," or "dishonest," and scorn to use them. No matter how "pure" their motives, they thereby throw sand into machinery that does not work too well at best."

The one thing I've learned in life is that manners matter. Maybe "thank you" and "I'm sorry" are empty words. But they're important ones. As a manager, I've found they are critical to keeping a team working. As a husband, I've found they are vital to keeping my marriage healthy. Every now and then, some overeducated idiot wants to tell us that these formalities are unnecessary. They are the very definition of "educated beyond one's intelligence".

This lady must be such fun at parties. I thank her for living her life as a warning to others.

I hate thank you notes. I hate them. There are people who really bean count them, too. It's not enough that you thanked them in person they want written proof of your gratitude.

I hate it but it's an awful tradition.

Sorry that should read "I do it but it's an awful tradition"

Amy, have you considered upgrading the comments section to one we can edit?

Sorry that should read "I do it but it's an awful tradition"

Amy, have you considered upgrading the comments section to one we can edit?

I used to be really annoyed by people like this. Now I just feel sorry for them (if the writer truly believes this, and isn't just desperately getting around writer's block on a deadline). I imagine that their lives are a mess of emotional facades and isolation, no true friends or family to connect with. Must be pretty sad and lonely.

I have a spiritual adviser that I whine to occasionally about the "difficulty" of my life situations (which in reality are mostly just petty and self-centered crap). "Well," he often says, " have you written a gratitude list lately?" In my mind, I'm all like, "But, but, you don't UNDERSTAND! I have this YUUGGGE existential crisis going on here! How is a f-ing gratitude list supposed to solve that?!?" And he says, "OK then, don't, whatever, not my crisis anyway..". And so, after I write my gratitude list, I ALWAYS feel better, and more human. I love that guy!

Thank you Amy. You give us a place to discuss, argue, joke and commiserate about the life around us. You find and post interesting topics and share your point of views and sparks of wisdom. Thank you.
In the same idea of gratitude I've been audio booking Has Rosling- "Factfulness". I've been finding it a very uplifting book, so different from the News and especially appropriate in the Thanksgiving season.

At my age, I have lost a bunch of friends/co-workers who were only in their 50s. If I start feeling sorry for myself too much, I think about them. Yeah, my hands hurt and it is raining but I'm still alive. This of course is a sort of existential gratitude. There is also personal wrt other people.

From the perspective of young-middle-age, there has been a direct, consistent correlation between thank-you note behavior of the couples I have known and the longevity/happiness of the marriage, and of course the richness and range of the couple's social circles.

The custom of thank-you notes has become an unfortunate casualty of the electronic age.

I THINK Miss Manners has given in a bit on thank-you notes on those occasion where the presents are opened in front of the givers. Obviously, she would never give in if the gifts were sent by mail. Also, when friends and relatives are helping out in an emergency, such as after a death, thank you notes are pretty important, even if they take a year to send.

But the words "I'm sorry" are different. Clerks, of course, have to say "I'm so sorry this happened." Socially, we have to say, when someone dies: "I'm so sorry for your loss."

But other than that, the words ARE overused - most of the time.

In the humor collection "Pulling Our Own Strings," one editor was Mary Kay Blakely, who wrote an essay about why women need to start a strike on saying 'I'm sorry.' It was very eye-opening, and a one-sentence summary might be: "Learn to substitute the words 'that's a shame' at least four out of five times."

Excerpt:

"At home, when your son moans that he's late for the school dance and you haven't washed his shirt yet, don't say 'I'm sorry.' Remind him that you possess perhaps the only equal-opportunity washing machine in the neighborhood - it works for anybody who pushes the buttons. At work when the chair of the meeting asks for someone to take the minutes and everybody turns to you, the only woman in the room, don't say 'I'm sorry.' Demonstrate your knowledge of biology and remind them that shorthand skills are not genetic in women. The next time your family itemizes the services not rendered, don't say 'I'm sorry.' Suggest that someone else will have to pick up the slack. When the Hare Krishna makes a plea for money at your door, don't say 'I'm sorry.' Mention that a few adjustments in his attire might result in landing a paid position."

(end of excerpt)

Me again:

A responsible parent will, after the child turns 3 or so, start saying to the child: "OK. You said you're sorry. Now what are you going to do to prove it?"

As any psychologist will tell you, it's our actions that mold our attitudes rather than the other way around, most of the time. Which is why Miss Manners has no patience with those parents who argue that it's teaching little kids "hypocrisy" to make them say and do things they don't mean, like saying "please" and "thank you" and "I'm sorry" - and writing thank-you notes for gifts they didn't like. (After all, why should Grandma send you another gift that you MIGHT like when you didn't even acknowledge her generosity the first time?)

Besides, many parents will tell you that even when you DO put kids through the motions of common courtesy from day one, it can take ten years or so before they develop any sense of empathy, humility or gratitude. Imagine how much longer it WOULD take if...come to think of it, maybe most kids would never develop such qualities at all if you didn't make them.