Claws And Effect Since day one, my boyfriend has been nothing but wonderful, but I treat him badly for no (apparent) reason. Sometimes when we're together I'll suddenly become irritable and moody, and snap at him. I always feel bad, and apologize afterward, but I know if I keep this up I'm going to lose him. What's wrong with me, and how can I stop being so difficult?
--Hothead And Bothered
Picture yourself biting your boyfriend's head off. No, no...really biting it off, then needing to deal with the ensuing reattachment issues. There you are, going through the Yellow Pages, “Hello, do you do boyfriend head reattachment on Sundays?” Next, imagine if “hitting the ceiling” actually left a big security deposit-sucking hole over your head, not to mention a steel plate where your scalp used to be. And surely, you'd be a little less likely to “blow your stack” if it brought an army of indignant neighbors to your door: “Excuse us, but would that be YOUR stack scattered across every lawn and flower bed in the neighborhood?”
Back here in real life, anger is still colorless, odorless, and shapeless, and doesn't leave so much as an incisor nick on the jugular -- and maybe that's part of the problem. In the heat of the moment, it's easy to forget that every cutting remark you let fly hacks a chunk out of your relationship. You might try to think of them as verbal vermin -- rats you're releasing to scurry around inside the walls of your relationship and gnaw themselves into a stupor. Keep ‘em coming, and you'll have little love left, but a lot of rats the size of golden retrievers.
There are people out there who never speak a harsh word to anyone. They're dead. For almost everyone else, it's a struggle. Take me, for example. To say I'm no Gandhi is something of an understatement, considering my habit of screaming “ENVIRONMENT-HOGGING VULGARIAN!” at strangers driving huge SUVs. Still, I wouldn't say a cruel word to my boyfriend. In fact, I made a pact with myself never to do it. Number one, because he doesn't deserve it. But also, because you get the relationship you create. If you'd like to have a loving one, just find a good guy, then be good to him. This is a three-part process: 1. Be sweet to him, 2. Don't gain 300 pounds, and 3. Keep the bedroom open for business. Yes, it's that simple. The bottom line? If you love somebody, make it your policy never to speak or act like you've forgotten that -- not even while informing him that the “hand lotion sample” he just used up was actually an entire $300 jar of eye cream made from the spit of now-extinct Tibetan sheep.
Supposedly, “you catch more flies with honey.” Actually, you catch more flies with a fly swatter. Honey is messy, and hard to throw. But, once you tire of chasing insects, and get in the mood to persuade the person you love to bend to your will, you should find humor an extremely effective tool. Take persuading me, for example. I have been known to linger a little in getting ready -- a process which sometimes involves a lot of getting re-ready (i.e., burning my outfit and starting over). If my boyfriend reacted by griping that I was making us late, I might be tempted to gripe back that rushing me generally doesn't help me change clothes 40 times any faster. He instead talks to my dog: “Lucy, it's so sad that all the food will be gone when we get to the restaurant,” which makes me laugh so hard I forget that I meant to go out and mine for coal tar to make my own mascara to wear to dinner.
Pardon me, but isn't that an 800-pound gorilla sitting on your life? There's some big, hairy problem pressing on you, but you'd rather not look. Instead, you wait until you feel particularly squeezed, then you lash out at your boyfriend -- leaving the beast to sit around filing its nails and laughing. Well, it's time to do a little personal zookeeping. Peer into your life, figure out what's really weighing on you, then take steps to have it removed. For pointers, turn to “How To Control Your Anger Before It Controls You,” by Albert Ellis, Ph.D.
Let your boyfriend know how sorry you are, and how you plan to mend your wrathful ways. Should you relapse at first, remind yourself that you're human, and resolve to do better in the immediate future. Show your boyfriend that you're sincere in your willingness to change, and even if you “explode with rage” and “have a cow” or two, there's a very good chance he'll stick around to help you pick your left eyebrow off the lampshade and make milkshakes.
Posted by aalkon at October 18, 2005 12:00 PM
Comments
i have a feeling hothead is not telling the entire story. he is a wonderful guy but.........does hes pet-peeves get to you, does he do something over and over that gets to you, does he not listen, my cousin has the same problem, she has a great boyfriend, does everything, always with her, always tells her 'i love you', does not look at other girls.....perfect!, but i think shes short with him, because hes always around, does not let her breath, always agrees with her. he does not have a backbone, it gets to her, even tho he is the typical "nice guy", "best boyfriend ever", or is it something else hothead?
Posted by: shan at January 22, 2006 12:10 AM
This is an old thread, but, I was searching for ways to apologize to my boyfriend and came across this.
I go through the same problems.. over and over. Different guys. This one, it's been a year and we have broken up every other month the entire time. The past couple of months we've been broken up, and we agreed to stay good friends. I'm so angry, and I have to internalize a lot of my emotions around him. Last week, in the heat of an (drunken) argument, I slapped him -- hard. Immediately I felt sick to my stomach. What had I done? He looked at me in horror, and just left. I have no idea how to fix this horrible situation. Only time will tell.
But, my point is. Don't let it get to that. Sadly, there may be no other way for you to learn how until it is too late with this guy. Maybe you just aren't ready for a relationship right now, and need to take a break. I know that sounds incredibly hard.. but it seems like you have other stress going on in your life. Work, school, family, etc. Im sure you do, you sound way too much like me. And on top of that, perhaps the relationship itself is quite shaky, although when it boils down to it in the end he may be there for you holding your hand, and when you back off for a while he begs you to not. No doubt in anyones mind you love eachother, im sure.
But don't let it get to a point where something goes horribly wrong, and you regret it for the rest of your life. People like to stereotype it, but you may want to consider therapy to deal with your anger. Also pre marital counseling if he is interested in helping you. That way, the counselor can help you independently and you all can help him learn to sense these emotions coming out, he can learn what triggers things from you and you can learn how to dodge around it.
Good luck to all who's in the same boat. :)
Posted by: Sara at May 5, 2007 12:21 AM
She should talk to her doctor about the possibility of her having PMDD(pre-menstral dysphoric dissorder). She should chart her outbursts to see if they occur at random times or if there is a pattern to them. Don't wait. If it is PMDD it can be easily handled through medication and simply knowing when you might be prone to an outburst.
Posted by: Amanda at January 15, 2008 12:46 PM
Very good advice -- I hope Hothead sees this and checks it out pronto, but because the thread is so old she may not read it any more. Amy, if you read incoming comments perhaps you could pass it on to her? I know PMDD can be dealt with, and if that is her problem she could and should get help. Thanks.
Posted by: Pussnboots ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-columns-blog/nav-commenters.gif)
at February 4, 2008 9:37 PM