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Really Old Columns

Fling Theory
Apparently, the Ten Commandments were edited for space reasons. That bit about your sister not being allowed to be with a guy you boy-toyed three years ago must have been among the commandments that got cut.   more»»

Future Hock
There's no time travel just yet, but there will be...shortly after dessert. The waiter need only drop the check on the table and -- POOF! -- it's 1954! Pay up, sucker.   more»»

Growing Mold Together
People are annoying. All people. If you were living with Gandhi, it would only be a matter of time before you were screaming at him to get the damn sandals out from under the coffee table.   more»»

A Beef With The Weed Eater
Although the crumbs from her wheat-free, sugar-free, taste-free muffin seem to be spelling out "break up now!" it is possible that she'll start sneaking out in the middle of the night to join you for a nibble of haggis.   more»»

Stunning On Empty
Excuse me while I brace myself for the flood of email from international supermodels begging me to set up a series of catfights to decide which one will get to buy you dinner for the rest of your life.   more»»

Between A Rock And A Herd Place
Like Denny's, the Serengeti is always open for a meal...providing you can get your fangs around your meal's leg.   more»»

Getting Unclothed And Personal
Just a wild guess, but if Andrea Dworkin looked like Rene Russo, she'd probably be writing sitcoms about sorority girls with talking breast implants instead of gems of "feminist discourse" such as "in seduction, the rapist bothers to buy a bottle of wine."   more»»

Love Wool Find A Way
"Hey, baby, wanna come cornrow my back?" doesn't exactly top the list of women-winning pickup lines, and that isn't because most women prefer a man who wears his back hair in a French twist.   more»»

The Things We Glue For Love
Granted, this guy does seem like the perfect boyfriend; that is, apart from the personality patterned after a clogged sinus and his notion of wild sex -- grudgingly letting you hold his hand.   more»»

Nature Conference Calls
When I'm not sitting around cross-legged meditating on global warming and world peace, I take on issues that people really care about, like the position of the toilet seat.   more»»

Bad Nudes Bared
There's a special kind of man who never looks at another woman: One who walks down the street tapping a long white cane with a red tip on the end.   more»»

Grift For The Mill
Announcing the winners of the Bad Seed Month contest.   more»»

Cash and Marry
Look, peasant, the queen wants her rock. What are you waiting for? Get out in the fields and start pulling the plow.   more»»

Girls Won't Budge For Pudge
As a pickup line, "Hey, baby, wanna rub my paunch?" is unlikely to tear a hot young actress/model/spokeswaitress away from her boystud and send her careening into your arms.   more»»

A Walk On The Child Side
If only parenting were as hard to break into as cosmetology. We're very serious in this country about the prevention of bad hair. If you wanted to cut hair, you'd have to go to hair college, pass a series of tests, then apply for a license. To have kids, all you need are working ovaries.   more»»

Wedding Bills Are Ringing
For just pennies a day, you can buy your way out of materialism!   more»»

Man Of Meal
With "Women are meeeeeeean!" and "Life isn't faaaaaair!" as your mating calls, you'd be lucky if you picked up lint.   more»»

Dear In The Headlights
Life is dangerous. The harder you live, the more likely you are to have heartbreak, tooth decay, or death offer you a lap-dance.   more»»

Talk To The Hand
It should be safe to assume that a guy who extends cocktail hour into a date-athalon will make a move on you -- a move he doesn't use in bidding farewell to his paunchy old boss.   more»»

Hallmark Karma
Contrary to what the girl rags would have you believe, the Hallmark store is not the natural stomping ground of men. That's why Hallmark's shelves are stocked with happy pumpkins and "teacher of the year" paperweights, not coffee mugs with Playboy centerfolds or those pens you flip over to make the girl's bikini disappear.   more»»

Dense Fever
Relationships are supposed to take work, yes, but maybe that work shouldn't make you feel like you just put in a double shift on a chain gang.   more»»

Roses Are Dead
You must be tempted to ask him, "When you walk down the sidewalk, don't you notice all those people passing out in your wake?" But, should be kind...right?   more»»

Remembrance Of Cheese Grated Past
Get your hot little hands on Jack Nicholson's used Kleenex, put it up for sale on Amazon Auctions or E-Bay, and you could be mere boogers away from a new yacht!   more»»

The Mouse That Roared
"So, honey, what did you do today?" asks your husband. "Nothing much," you say. "Bought dog food, picked up the dry cleaning, and had the most kick-ass cyber-sex with some stranger."   more»»

Terms Of Unendearment
As soon as "sleeping together" started to mean putting on pajamas, the writing was on the wall (in letters visible to late-stage glaucoma patients, blindfolded magicians' assistants, and astronauts orbiting the earth): YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS PROBABLY IN TROUBLE.   more»»

Ms. Anthropy
Most of the world spends much of their time feeling annoyed with the rest of the world; that is, with the temporary exception of people like you, who have fallen in "wuv."   more»»

How To Grow Hair On Your Chest
To get more than friendship from hetero girls, rub a little Rogaine on your personality, and channel your hairy primate ancestors. Your role model is The Cave Guy -- the hairy, chest-pounding, club-dragging brute who tears raw meat off the bone with his teeth...when he isn't too busy leaving the toilet seat up.   more»»

Nice Guys Are From Uranus?
The polar opposite of a bad boy is not a nice guy, but an overly-nice guy. The difference is in the desperation. Going out with an overly-nice guy is like being beaten to death with a Hallmark card.   more»»

The Color Of Honey
If you consider yourself a man's equal, your equality shouldn't vaporize when the check comes. This doesn't mean that you (or he) should pull out an abacus and divide the bill down to the penny or bicker about who ate the lion's share of the calamari.   more»»

Drive-By Lust
Can you really blame your libido for longing to unplug its respirator, toss aside its walker, and get the old gametes moving again? The poor thing's been gasping under the weight of The Big Myth for four long years -- the notion that you and boychick get kissed by the marriage fairy (or the commitment fairy, as the cohabitative case may be), then just keep your privates private, and you'll get free passes to stumble arm-in-arm into the sunset in dazed bliss.   more»»

Reach Out And Slug Someone
Barring cases of dire emergency, one shouldn't use a cell phone anywhere one wouldn't feel perfectly comfortable passing a big cloud of gas. In other words, acceptable cell phone zones include lonely restaurant parking lots and polar ice floes. Unfortunately, in those areas, no one will get to see you looking important.   more»»

Why Men Are Better Than Vibrators
Most women do not measure a man's ability in bed with a stopwatch. If they did, you'd see a lot of women sharing candlelight dinners in romantic restaurants with their vibrators. "I'll have the sea bass, please," a woman would say to the waiter. "And three 'C' batteries for my date."   more»»

I'm a 22 year-old college guy with dating problems. Every time I meet a woman I want to date, it goes bust. My friends say I'm too aggressive...   more»»

The New Cleavers
My boyfriend and I are facing a serious dilemma. I'm 19, and he's 20, and we've been involved for about a year. A month or so into our relationship, my mom started dating his dad. ... If they get married, my boyfriend and I will become brother and sister.   more»»

How To Bag A Man
If you hope to attract a man or two, don't trot around town in some sadistic fashion designer's update on the burlap feed bag. Men are visual creatures. They are drawn to the female form.   more»»

There are a lot of creative ways to get rid of unwanted boyfriends. Few, however, top the effectiveness of ...a premature invitation to a new man in your life to be your date at a wedding.   more»»

Zen Fascism
Inform Deepak Boyfriend that you're going off for ten years to get your aura recalibrated, and suggest that he occupy himself in your absence by pelting crystals carved into acorns at hungry squirrels and forcing little old ladies across the street at gunpoint.   more»»

Lions And Tigers And Bares
Say your mom was valedictorian of the Wicked Witch Of The West School Of Parenting. You can sit around bemoaning your miserable childhood until monkeys fly, but it won't transform you into a happy adult.   more»»

Jesus Of Cleveland
Unless you have it on good authority that three wise men happened to be in the neighborhood on the day your ex-boyfriend was born, you're holding him in a little too much esteem.   more»»

One Last Kiss
Your approach to fidelity is best described as "very high school." You're essentially looking for somebody to give you a hall pass to cheat on your fiancee: "Here...go screw the other girl silly, but don't be late to geography."   more»»

This Old Heart
Never offer a woman your heart until you've finished duct-taping it back together. Instead, tell her something like this: "I really want to ask you out, but I just broke up with someone. I'd like to take your number and call you in a few months."   more»»

No More Mr. Nice Guy
No guy ever got the girl by convincing her that the animal within him was something along the lines of Papa Smurf. To let women know that you're good for more than an afternoon of warm fuzzies, you need to formally indicate your status as a willing sex object.   more»»

Raising The Titanic
If you'd like your larger-than-average penis to carry passengers, you shouldn't give it star billing in your ad. Think about it: when you go to a party, you generally don't find women directing their conversation down to your crotch the way some men unwittingly have a few words with some chick's Wonderbra.   more»»

Copyright ©1998-9, Amy Alkon, from her syndicated column, Ask The Advice Goddess, which appears in 60 papers across the U.S. and Canada. All rights reserved.