Advice Goddess Columns

Cloud Swine
Perhaps insurance companies are finally recognizing being a complete jerk as a legitimate medical condition -- or did he just sprain an ankle walking all over you?

Type Dirty To Me
Just 20 years ago, if you wanted to dash off a suggestive thought or two, you would've had to buy a card, stamp it, mail it, and wait a week. The heat kind of goes out of "What are you wearing?" if your recipient's first thought is "Today...or when this was postmarked?

Bad News Bares
Kids may say "the darndest things," but if there's one thing your kid should never be in a position to say to you, it's "So, Mommy, did you get your freak on last night?"

A Medium-Rare And Wonderful Thing
You and she have at least one big thing in common: the idea that ignoring reality will make it go away, not just curl up behind you and use the extra time to sharpen its teeth...

Harried, With Children
Mommy somehow avoids throwing herself on the floor and screaming, "The cow says, 'I went to Yale for this?! I went to Yale for this?!'"

Hot Serial
There comes a time in a girl's life when she's looking for that special dozen.

Boeing Nowhere Fast
Does this all sound totally lame? Well, yes, but not as lame as it would if you "understood" his telling you he had to reschedule because a giant lizard picked up his apartment building and ate it...

Pane And Suffering
Two people, torn apart by fate, or whatever you call it when you rip a perfectly good pair of panties sneaking through your boyfriend's best friend's window...

Wedding Bells Are Vibrating
There are days when a guy needs to text a girl 15 or 20 times an hour -- typically because he's her gay best friend and it would mean so much to him to have her there the first time he gets his eyebrows string-plucked...

Beating A Dad Horse
Sorry, but who "rebels" by becoming a suburban housewife? What are you, from a long line of pimps, prostitutes, and smack-addicted death metal artists?

A Breath Of Fresh Affair
Home might be where the heart is, but other parts of the guy seem more than willing to make do with by-the-hour motel rooms and other women's apartments.

Donut Seem Unfair?
In worst cases, a woman will eat herself so big that Greenpeace tries to save her -- until they realize that's a scrunchie on her head, not a decorative blowhole.

Match Dot Con
On the bright side, you don't mention discovering that 125 really is her weight -- from the knees down...

Great Walls Of China
It must be tempting to give her an ultimatum: "Bring one more teacup into this house, and I'm renting a bull."

Martyr, She Wrote
Sorry, but "Woman survives on barely any dignity for five straight years" isn't quite on par with "Woman trapped in car for five days stays alive by drinking her own urine and eating the headrest"...

Here Comes The Gloom
"True love" is Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny for grownups...

Stopped In The Name Of Love
Of course, your "soul mate" will speak your language and maybe even attend your high school; it's never somebody thousands of miles away who's running around spearing wildebeests while wearing underwear made out of a gourd...

Gramping Her Style
If you want a fair shake from a jury, rob a liquor store. You'll have your day in court instead of your day in the food court -- being judged by your girlfriend's clique of seventh-grader girlfriends from their jury box at Cinnabon...

Depth And The Maiden
Complaining that men want beautiful women is like complaining that you have to tuck cheese into your mousetrap and not a copy of the Financial Times of London...

Bunny Can't Buy You Love
Of all the ridiculous reasons to stay in a bad relationship, at least you picked a cute one. You're actually going to stick around for increasingly occasional bad sex and near smotherings by a boyfriend who refuses to kiss you or pay attention to you...because Flopsy and Mopsy can't suffer the effects of a broken home?

Braking Wind
There's a reason they don't put women in your position on interrogation duty at Guantanamo: "Why won't you tell me your feelings? Where do you see us next year at this time? Don't you love me? I'm 38, and I want a baby!" Sure, this is torture to a guy, but not the kind that's gonna make him talk.

Turd Wheel
The guy is genteel enough to refer to the girl as his sister, but she's basically a big tumor with driving privileges...

"I Pink, Therefore I Am"
I'm not saying women shouldn't follow their dreams, but if your dream involves roping off air in art galleries, you'd better have a backup plan, and not one you met at a bar.

Skanks For The Memories
A caring, emotionally together woman would make you feel like the only guy in the world, not the only guy who has to take an international flight to get in line to sleep-grope her...

A Slap In The Facebook
The leopard showed you his spots. In fact, he repeatedly rubbed your nose in his spots, then texted you at 2 a.m. to see if he could pop by for an hour or two to do it again.

Loot Conquers All
Corporations spend billions instructing people in how to show they care; for example, advising everybody to "Say it with flowers" -- which does much more for the floral industry than "Say it by getting down on your hands and knees and scrubbing around the toilet."

You Had Me At Hell
I had a friend die, and if anything, she died crowded, with the nurses scolding her friends for violating fire codes...

Can't Take A Choke
When I hear couples brag, "We just knew from the moment we saw each other!" I'm amazed that they think this is romantic, and not an announcement that they're idiots. I always want to ask, "What, exactly, did you know? That she's reasonably tall, attractive in a sort of bookish way, and you wanted to have sex with her?"

The Beginning Of The Endless
You probably just missed taking a married, middle-aged dad to prom...

Stalking On Air
"Sex and the City" by any other name is just as off-putting to men; yes, even "Sex and the Prehistoric Countryside," which pretty much describes your approach to seduction: a woman pursuing a man with all the subtlety of a hungry velociraptor after a small woodland animal...

Serf And Turf
You are who you are: a girl who winters in the exact same one-bedroom apartment where she summers, springs, and falls...

It's The Belittle Things...
For Rick and Ilsa, it was "We'll always have Paris." What will your parting words be, "We'll always have Guantanamo"?

Adam's Ribbing
Excuse me, but are you a man or a gender studies paper?

My Fair Cleaning Lady
First you're supposed to live, and then you're supposed to retire. What are you two going to do, sit in your rocking chairs reminiscing about the life you were too tired and angry to have?

Better Loving Through Chemistry
Okay, he's 40-something, but he can still lead a girl to bed and show her around the circus...

Sex And The Biddy
Some guys go for older women, often because they're drawn to their self-assurance and sexual confidence. After all, they can get insecure and self-defeating from a hot 20-year-old with breasts that haven't lost all their elastic...

Sublets Get It On
Just get in bed with the guy and see if he complains. Say something only vaguely explanatory. Like "I saw a bug." Or "I had a bad dream." Or "Whoops! There was a lot of fog in the hallway, and I guess I got lost on the way back from the bathroom."

From Beer To Eternity
At baseball games, a lot of people cut out early to beat the rush. Maybe this guy drank so much that he did that -- and then, at the bar, remembered, "Oh, crap, I was on a date!"

You Kant Get It All In One Place
As a woman who uses five-dollar words, can you be satisfied with a man who only has $2.75 or so to play around with?

Cache Him If You Can
If your boyfriend's next girlfriend thinks he's being kind of forward on the first date, chances are it isn't because he's trying to find the clasp on her bra; he's just looking for the transmitter...

Dusting After Him
Little girls play house. Little boys play war. War is messy, okay? Like, when you're in the foxhole, nobody's complaining, "You left shells everywhere again, and you never pick up the fresh flowers when it's your turn!"

Second To Nun
Your problem isn't that you don't have the perfect boyfriend right here, right now, but that you're in a panic about it, probably making you about as seductive as a mountain lion that hasn't eaten for weeks: "Shall I pounce on you from above, claw your heart out and eat it raw, or do you feel you need a glass of wine first?"

Class Half Empty
After the guy at the next booth gets up without finishing his breaded veal chop, just reach over and grab it. When the waitress comes around, say, "Thanks, just water for me, and a nice empty plate. Oh, and would you mind heating this up?"

Where The Grills Are
If you want to hang onto a man, by all means, turn your relationship into a tiny police state...

All About Steve
When he looks deeply into the limpid pools of her eyes, does he say, "Baby, have I ever told you...my ex-girlfriend's parents have three dogs?"

Meating People
Or maybe they've had six gin and tonics, and they're too drunk to come up with a fake number, so they give you their real one, and deal with it later: "I'll change my number, I'll move...or maybe just turn off the lights and lay on the floor"...

Where There's A Will There's A Gay
It seems you're a lesbian, not a "lesbian" who takes vacations -- hopping the ferry from the Isle of Lesbos to the mainland for the occasional hetero holiday.

Trauma Queen
Aren't you supposed to close your case files and take off your telephone headset before you leave the crisis center? I mean, if you were a doctor, you wouldn't go home and remove your wife's appendix or go to neighborhood barbecues and do tonsillectomies...

Tender Is The Nightmare
Imagine shopping for dinner the way you suggest shopping for a husband: "Oh, look! A piece of rotting meat that's fallen on the grocery store floor! I'll take it!"

Fire Done Below
More than likely, his favorite sex positions are spooning, snoring, and doggie-style -- as in, rolling over and playing dead.

Husband And Knife
You're about to make him hate you so completely that he'll probably do anything to avoid paying you, including ditching fiction writing (an endeavor typically less lucrative than picking lettuce) for a career in the fast-paced world of haiku...

Beating A Debt Horse
In his defense, at least he has the decency, if not to put a roof over his kids' heads, then to mooch one.

I Get A Kick Out Of U-Haul
You aren't one of those cheap and easy girls who's all, "He had me at hello." No, with you it was, "He had me at 'Turn left and you should see the ladies' room.'"

Fear Of The Dork
Yesterday, I asked a stock boy at the supermarket to help me get a jar off the top shelf. Before he could, another stock boy handed it to me. The first stock boy pouted, "I wish I coulda helped you." Later, he circled back and complimented me on my skirt. So, I tased him.

Gurus Just Wanna Have Fun
If you have a drinking problem, you go to an A.A. meeting and say, "Hi, my name is Bob, and I'm an alcoholic," not "Hi, my name is Socrates. I'm here to share my vast knowledge of self and others, right after I toss back a coupla shots.

Slug Burns
This guy's the slacker version of the Energizer Bunny, napping and napping and napping -- except when he jolts awake to get high, cheat on you, or yell, "Hey, Ma! Another beer!"

Hags To Riches
Don't be too quick to assume this prospective roommate is some young hottie. The joke'll be on you when you discover she's some 60-year-old former housewife who's going back to school and borrowing his razor in the morning to mow her chin hairs...

Ass Tactwards
Come on, a guy at work gives you reason to believe he has a crush on you and the shower music from "Psycho" comes into your head? When you see sheep nibbling on grass in a pasture, do you hear the theme from "Jaws"?

Things That Go Chump In The Night
Ever wonder why junkyards always have signs like "Beware of Rottweiler," not "Man With Bad Back On Premises!"?...

Dis Dis Bang Bang
About those forays into Lesbianapolis, you've gotta wonder, does she really prefer guys or does she just prefer to prefer guys?...

Battlefield Girth
If a woman's sex appeal sprang from inner beauty, Eleanor Roosevelt, who looked like a scone in a housedress, would've been Playboy's hottest selling cover girl of all time.

While You Were Sweeping
Okay, so the glass is not only half-empty, it's been on your foyer table for three whole days...

Sects And The City
In our country, if people find out you've had premarital sex, they might hoot and slap you on the back once or twice. In Muslim countries, they bring in a guy with a bamboo cane to do it 100 times.

Cruel And Crullers
For a man, it's the size of a woman's heart that counts -- until her thighs approach the size of small Volkswagens...

Till Dud Do Us Part
The likelihood he'll walk in the door all loving, giving, and gainfully employed is up there with Larry King being chosen as the next Victoria's Secret cover model.

The Hating Is The Hardest Part
There are those things that are really hard to say: "I'm leaving you for your best friend." "A few lawyers might be dropping by about some downloads I made from your computer." And "You should probably get tested for Hepatitis C." And then there's "Hey, wanna grab a drink after work?"

Who's Yore Daddy?
“Hold on a sec,” you tell the wife, “I think that’s the UPS man, delivering another shipment of my size zero slinky dresses.”

Bleed Between The Lines
Nothing like a little unfinished business to jazz up a first date: “I’ll be the broken man at the corner table. Just follow the trail of Kleenex and tears.”

A Wrinkle In Timing
Guys, especially, are made to feel bad if they aren’t gung ho to commit, with “Getting Him To ‘I Do’” splashed across every other women’s magazine, and nary a piece on “Letting Him Do What Works For Him.”

A Man On The Meek
Assuming the woman’s head doesn’t start whirling around like it’s on the spin cycle, and she doesn’t ask you to drop by for coffee in a Satan voice, a guy could make the leap that she’s less in need of an exorcist than a cute guy to take her to the movies on Saturday night.

Apocalypse Eventually
When your ex-girlfriend/roommate wonders about the racket, simply tell her, “That’s just the triplets in the shower.” I’m sure her response will be, “Oh, okay. Do you think they need more towels?”

Klan Do Attitude
It’s unlikely she popped out of the womb in a tiara, or rolled over in her crib and said, “Ma-ma, Da-da,” and then, out of nowhere, raised a tiny fist and shouted, “White Power!”...

Man Bites Relationship
What kind of guy suggests you just let him sic Cujo on Tinkerbell “one more time”?

Dawn Of The Dud
Mistakes do happen. If you make one, admit it, don’t take it to the movies every Saturday night.

Frisk Management
Why be known as the “fiery-tempered redhead” when you can cower in a supply closet until they start selling the “hostile workplace” companion to the Post-it-dispensing highlighter, the Post-it taser?

Once More With Fleeing
Nothing makes the apartment walls close in like an unwanted declaration of love. You’re just dying to turn around and see if maybe, possibly, the person who made it could’ve been talking to somebody else: “Please, God, let an intruder be standing behind me.”

Birthday Soot
For a lot of women, it’s the thought that counts -- as long as the guy thinks of something a little more, well, pawnable, than a plate of eggs.

The Carats And The Stick
Unfortunately, our culture celebrates commitment, not doubt. Nobody’s going to throw you a party because you’re wavering about getting married: “You two aren’t entirely sure about each other? Well, how wonderful! Are you registered for that at Tiffany’s?”

Recluse Endangerment
You know those party games where people ask, if you were an animal, what would you be? Well, if your boyfriend were a party animal, he’d probably be something between a deer in headlights and roadkill.

Doodie Calls
Unlike when you were in nursery school, and teachers aides saw that every kid got the exact same allotment of Jelly Bellys, advice columnists are not standing outside bars making sure everybody leaves with a smiley sticker and a hot 25-year-old...

Give Fleece A Chance
There will be plenty of time after you’re married to drain her bank account and move to the Bahamas.

Look Before You Sleep
The parental "no" has officially joined the ranks of chronically missing items like The Holy Grail, Atlantis, and Britney Spears' underpants.

The Incredible Sulk
So, in a perfect world, the first time you had sex, your wife would've announced, "As man-tools go, yours is one of those little eyeglass screwdrivers"...

Prints Charming
“I’m just a normal guy who enjoys collecting fingernail clippings to remember women who’ve been nice to me. Uh…‘Scuse me, ma’am. I know you don’t know me, but would you mind if I took a swab of your DNA?”

Stopwatch In The Name Of Love
There’s falling in love and there’s trying to have yourself shot out of a cannon into it.

Sowing Her Mild Oats
I love asking couples how they got together, but, in your case, I’ll guess: “I just got super-tired of drunk-dialing business executives (I mean, they all eventually block my number), and at that moment, I happened to glance at my watch, and went, ‘Holy moly, I need sperm!’”

Marrying The Hatchet
If your husband tossed an ashtray at your head, do you think he’d be describing himself as “Still So Angry Inside” or “Still In Court Trying To Get The Charges Reduced”?

The Burden Of Roof
Supposedly, you don’t have a “real relationship” until you’ve put in long hours hammering out an agreement about the correct position of the toothpaste cap, and you’ve caught some minimum number of glimpses of your partner straining on the toilet.

You May Now Dis The Bride
Some people's happiness really makes other people hurl.

Things That Go Bump In The Nightie
A growing body of evidence suggests Freud's famous book, "The Interpretation of Dreams," might be more correctly titled "The Misinterpretation of Dreams," or "I'll Make A Bunch Of Stuff Up Because I'm Sex Mad, And Get Real Famous, And Make A Fortune."

Life Isn't All Funbags And Games
Do you really think you’d be into small boobs if only the ones Playboy featured were a little less melon-like and a little more like two Red Hots on a wall?

Mope Against Hope
There’s more to this than buying into pop fluffology like “The Secret,” which claims people are only fat because they’re thinking “fat thoughts.” (Couldn’t possibly be that they’re doing it while speed-eating donuts.)

Bridget Jones’ Diarrhea
At best, you’re the test market for Smirnoff Ice and probably have a hard time with existential questions deeper than “Bleu cheese or ranch?”

Settle Sore
Yes, he seems like the perfect companion -- for any girl who can make do with a big carrot in a man’s pocket and a pat or two on the withers.

Deploy Meets Girl
It’s rough back there in the suburbs. I can just see your wife, gingerly making her way across the parking lot, crouching low and ducking behind cars in case there are Iraqi snipers behind the Rite Aid sign.

‘Til Death-Grip Do Us Part
If you love someone, turn off the electrified fencing. If they hang around, they’re yours. If not, at least you won’t be facing manslaughter charges...

Wok On The Wild Side
What you should look at, however, were signs you missed that a woman was “not that into you” (or, say, anyone with a penis)...

Mr. Always Right
No man does cartwheels upon hearing the news that his woman once kissed his best friend, but whatever happened to good old-fashioned sullen, passive-aggressive pouting?

Whine, Women And Song
Boy elk have big antlers to show dominance and get girl elk -- not to give people a place to hang their hats in Western-themed bars...

Splendor In The Wheatgrass
According to your boyfriend, people and cows are born equal. Then what happens? Notice how cows have yet to build an International Space Station, or even open one of those little key-making huts outside the mall...

Opportunity Knockers
I don’t know about other girls, but my father talked to me about right and wrong, and how I could do anything boys can do -- not the merits of silicone over saline, or how I, too, can have porn-star breasts.

Malice In Wonderland
There are times in a man’s life when he comes to understand what “I love you” really means; in this case, “I’d like to tear out your liver with my bare hands, cut it up into hors d’oeuvre-sized pieces, and feed it back to you on Ritz crackers.”

Hunk In The Trunk
Which of the following doesn’t belong? 1. I have a rare fatal form of B.O. 2. I’m in the middle of a bear breeding ground wearing a necklace of beef jerky...

Gapes Of Wrath
You’re only looking at women, not chasing them down telling them you’ll meet them behind the bowling alley…just as soon as you can park your stroller-bound son with somebody you trust; say, that guy lying in the doorway with the sign, “Will baby-sit for gin.”...

Office Macks
The problem isn’t being attracted to somebody else, which is a part of life, but being attracted to somebody else and having ethics that stretch like a gold lamé thong on a 300-pound man...

For Bitter Or For Worse
Perhaps, deep down, you buy into the Puritan Work Ethic approach to relationships: the idea that a “real” adult relationship means spending a lifetime slaving away in the hot fields of couples counseling, and trying everything from tantric yoga to Kama Sutra Pilates to relocate that lost spark...

Chasing Jamey
Oh, that crazy little thing called sexual orientation!

The Rude To Recovery
What is it this time, cancer of the hangnail?...

A Tale Of Naked Whoa
A man doesn’t wake up in the middle of the night with some primal longing to bring his girlfriend flowers, rehang her back door, or clean the trap in her sink. Like sex, these things can be expressions of love, but if a guy’s going to lock himself in the bathroom, it’s not going to be with “Bob Vila's Complete Guide to Remodeling Your Home"...

Not Taking Know For An Answer
Of course, in your husband’s mind movie, Bobby is not just “well-endowed,” he had to be lowered onto your bed with a special crane...

Charlotte’s (Tangled) Web
Beauty is truth,” wrote Keats. Clearly, Keats never experienced underwire, implants, or those little silicone patties women stick in their bras. (There’s a reason they don’t call them “truthsies.”)

Diddle He Or Didn’t He?
Oh, the dark world of people who prefer to take their phone calls in private. Yes, this guy could be a molester, and could be asking these girls inappropriate questions about their bodies. And when I walk away from my boyfriend to take a call, I could be planning the violent overthrow of our government, and arranging to trade my neighbors’ twins for a suitcase nuke -- or maybe I simply see no need for corroborating witnesses when I try to reschedule my cleaning lady.

Hopeless Springs Eternal
Just what every kid needs, a father who’s incapable of expressing any affection or emotion. Should work wonders when your little girl wakes up screaming for her daddy to protect her from the monsters. Oops, Daddy doesn’t do hugs. Could she work with a pat on the back, or maybe a nice firm handshake?

Lollapa-Loser
“Torn”? Of course you’re torn. You’re a woman dating a misogynist -- a woman-hater. This is like being a black girl dating a guy whose leisurewear is a pointy white hood, or a Jewish girl with a thing for neo-Nazis, or, better yet, Elie Wiesel on a dinner date with Eva Braun...

The Pint Of No Return
"Feminist vegetarian theorist” Carol J. Adams, claims eating meat promotes the subjugation of women, and, according to “The Harvard Crimson,” “called asparagus a phallic symbol and said parsley was representative of pubic hair.” (No word on what it means if your mashed potatoes resemble Betty Friedan.)

Every Witch Way But Loose
Sure, he’s sneaking calls to them. Consider this: Guys sneak beers, and maybe cigarettes, but never broccoli. They don’t usually double back from work to mow the lawn, or tiptoe out in the dead of the night to return library books...

The Pig Picture
It isn’t that guys don’t notice the filth, it just takes them a little longer -- like until the crud impedes access to the bathroom or the fuzz on the dishes evolves to the point where it hisses at the dog.

Pleased To Meat You
Common sense is getting rarer every day. My neighborhood grocery store just started tagging cheese with the sticker “CONTAINS: MILK.”

You Get What You Copay For
Yes, he correctly notes, “she’s the one using” the birth control patch -- mainly because slapping a medicated sticker with female hormones on his hairy back won’t do much more than increase his bra size from 46AAA to 46B, and maybe make him lactate a little.

Pillage Talk
Sometimes reality bites, and when it does, the answer isn’t reaching down to pet it and give it a biscuit.

Scum Kind Of Wonderful
Chances are, "Claire" wasn't looking to end up with Chester The Molester...

She Mrs. The Point
What kind of person has the time to pore over every piece of mail they get just in case there’s a hidden message in the return address? Probably one whose choice of daily activities is largely limited to chiseling through reinforced concrete with a sharpened toothbrush or sitting on their cot waiting for parole.

Here Comes The Doomed
So, for your “friend,” it’s raining men. This doesn’t mean you have any obligation to stand around holding the umbrella.

Going All The Away
It’s not the sort of thing you dream of telling your grandkids: “Your grandma and I met at a bar. We were drinking heavily, and she looked awfully good at closing time.”

Slippery When Unwed
Nothing makes a guy persona non grata with the ladies like neglecting to marry and divorce two or three of them and scatter kids all over the place like birdseed. Or, as I like to call them, “Future carjackers of America.”

Five O’Clock Eyeshadow
Makeup on men? A man improves his appearance by getting into a Jaguar, not Maybelline Dream Matte Mousse Foundation.

Save The Wails
Now, let’s say you want to save the spotted owl, and he’s sending out Evites to a spotted owl chili cookoff...

Where The Wild Things Aren’t
Who says America isn’t a monarchy? It’s ruled by millions of tiny tyrants named Cody and Madison, presiding over adult-sized serfs called parents whose single greatest fear is not being liked by their children...

The Path Of Leash Resistance
You’re his girlfriend, not his cocker spaniel...

Too Mush Of A Good Thing
A man can get “signals” from a woman across the room with her back to him, confiding to her friend, “By age 8, I knew I was a lesbian”; which, of course, is her way of telling the man, “Just for you, big guy, I’m wearing the purple pasties with the propellers.”

Leave Conquers All
It’s a stage-of-life thing. Guys in their late 40s quit their big job “to spend more time with the family.” Guys in their early 20s quit their big relationship to spend more time with women named Mocha and Destiny who swing around a greased pole...

Sauced Cause
Not unexpectedly, you find it troubling -- a dealbreaker, even -- that your girlfriend regularly spoons some hairy drunk who marks your side of the bed with his man smell...

From Here To Attorneys’ Fees
Can you seriously be counted on to make any decisions of lasting consequence at 22 -- in lifetime terms, essentially 22 minutes after you’ve recovered from being blind-drunk at prom?

It’s Hard Out Here For A Wimp
You never know when a girl is a member of that group, Girls Who Don’t Like People Who Know People Who Die.

Wokking Tall
Whatever happened to “Hi, howya doin’?”/”Wicked hangover. You?” These people get right to it: “Excuse me, but do you have a racially based sexual obsession?”

The Shrew Must Go On
Greetings, Spurting Volcano Of Hate!

Chemistry Settling
Like many people, you apply the Puritan work ethic to relationships: “All relationships are work.” Maybe so, but some relationships are McJobs.

A Man Of The Sloth
Gertrude Stein told you everything you need to know about your future with this guy: “A sponge is a sponge is a sponge.”

Wishful Stinking
Okay, so you’re only trying to make things work with this guy because you’re tired of dating. Tired of dating but bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for constant romantic humiliation? Wow, that’s tired, as in who was your first boyfriend, Ptolemy?

Groping For More
Whether a couple is married or just “committed,” note that there’s a huge market for self-help manuals like “Hot Monogamy,” and none whatsoever for books titled “Sex With Anonymous Hussies Needn’t Be Dull.”

I Know Who You Did Last Summer
Like you, he’s learned from your past. Unfortunately, what it taught him was “You Tarzan, him Jane.”

Preying For Keeps
Ideally, the seduction process should rev up desire in a man, not simulate the experience of a beetle being chased by an entomologist with a giant straight pin.

Dirty Kitty Things
There are people with cats, and then there are Cat People...

Random Acts Of Blindness
There are things that are beyond a person’s control, like when you’re sitting in an easy chair in your living room and you die in a plane crash. Or maybe you’re walking down the street, minding your own business, and a horrible, abusive marriage falls on you like the house from “The Wizard of Oz.” Twice.

Member’s Lonely
Your big penis is probably your biggest stumbling block. Convince yourself you’re hung like a horsefly, and you might get some girls.

Home Is Where The Tart Is
He’s thinking “Woo-hoo!” You’re thinking “Mooo, mooo!” Even if you are a bit of a heifer, is it really in your best interest to correct him?

The Bust Of All Possible Worlds
...In other words, does what separates the men from the baboons involve anything more than $10,000 in laser hair removal?

A Sappy Medium
The real danger to your relationship is probably your “I’ll show her!” model of conflict resolution: “My name is Conan. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

Lost In Fond
Ovaries suddenly shouting “last call”? Biological clock not just ticking but wired to plastic explosive?

Knight Lite
Just when you least expect it, a man’s man turns out to be a bunny’s bunny. It’s like watching Clint Eastwood, all “Go ahead, make my day,” suddenly holster his piece, pull out a ball of yarn, plop down cross-legged, and start crocheting a potholder.

Overly Easy Rider
Jealousy is nature's car alarm. Sometimes car alarms go off for a good reason; sometimes it's just a really big crow pooping on your hood.

A Flossed Cause
If you really want to know discomfort, bend over on a first date and let a woman see a thong peeking out the back of your Levis. She’ll be out of there faster than you can say “my boyfriend Sven.”

Extreme Meek Over
Oh, the trials and tribulations of the imaginary romance. You’ve spent five years of your life with this woman -- but only in your head. Of course you lack the confidence to contact her now. What are you going to say, that during imaginary sex with her, it’s possible you gave her an imaginary STD?

The Missing Wink
There are those who insist men and women are exactly the same -- perhaps prompted by all the good ole boys they see breast-feeding babies at Denny’s, or by the proliferation of NFL logo-imprinted Kotex.

Malcolm In The Middle Ages
It’s no surprise you long for days of yore, when it was much easier to get the peasants to follow orders. Unfortunately, like most people these days, you only got engaged, not coronated.

Love You Just The Way You Were
A lot of guys hate bought boobs, but maybe you could’ve lived with your girlfriend’s if she’d opted for the medium instead of the Supersized.

Who Wears The Panties In The Family?
There’s a U.S. senator who can’t speak publicly unless he’s wearing pantyhose. He was a patient of Dr. William Stayton, a psychologist and leading expert on cross-dressing. “Underneath his blue suit and tie he wore pantyhose and a bra and women’s underwear,” Stayton told me in a recent interview. “He was always worried somebody would lift his pant leg and see his pantyhose. But it was the only way he could calmly speak before the Senate.”

With This Ka-ching! I Thee Wed
Is this a celebration of love you’re planning, or Live Aid for the overspent middle class?

Stalling Head Over Heels
It’s a good thing other species aren’t evolved enough to be as counterproductive as we are, or the food chain would empty out in about a decade. Come on, do you think a male deer on the make sniffs doe pee on a branch, and says to himself, “Naw, Ma’s been having a bit of the mange lately, I think I’ll take seven-year mating sabbatical”?

The Axis Of Snivel
Wait, is he a man, or a 4-year-old who lost his mommy in the bread aisle? “MOMMEEEE! DONNN’T LEEEEAVE MEEEEE!"

The Rage Of Aquarius
A Zen state without the enlightenment is a style statement: grass mats covering the ugly shag, a red plastic Buddha to liven up the coffee table (goes great with the $34.99 Woodstock Desk Gong from Target), and, of course, the obligatory floor pillows -- intricately embroidered, and probably a real steal thanks to child labor!

Nearly Beloved
Nothing says “You’re the one!” quite like a marriage certificate inscribed with the name of the other “one.”

When The Going Gets Stuffed...
I have a friend who’s into stuffed animals. Her name is Sophie, and she’s 7. Your boyfriend, on the other hand, is a grown man -- somebody who shaves, pays taxes and will soon get prostate exams -- and he collects teddy bears? And, no, he didn’t amass all 12 by accident, with each girlfriend arriving at the idea herself: “Whoops, I have yet to buy my big, hairy, adult male boyfriend a stuffed toy!”

The Toad Less Traveled
I responded time and again with detailed directions off Planet Loser, but the guy couldn’t help himself, and each story of his use and abuse was more pathetic than the last. Finally, patience not being one of my several virtues, I wrote, “Just go to a bar tonight and pretend you have dignity!” He did. The next morning, he e-mailed: “YOU! CHANGED! MY! LIFE!” All it took was a slight change in message: “I want to be your date” instead of “I want to be your dog.”

The Blunder Years
Sure, the official end of adolescence is 18, but for more and more people, it actually ends around 30. That’s their cue to start understanding exactly what idiots they’ve been, so they can try not to live and act so idiotically. Of course, some don’t hit this mark until 40. Others are still living in their parents’ garage at 55.

Is That A Son In Your Pocket?
Bummer, baby’s on the way. How are you supposed to mack on girls?

Funny Can’t Buy You Love
Canned pickup lines are the cheap toupee of humor. Sure, they’ll get a woman’s attention, and maybe even make her laugh -- same as she will if your head reminds her of a freeze-frame of somebody being attacked by a ferret.

Geezer Burns
Aging isn’t what it used to be, and not just because plastic surgeons are crossing people’s jowls over their backs and tacking them to their shoulder blades. So, numerically, your boyfriend’s got 26 years on you. These days, there are 65-year-old punks on skateboards -- although there’s occasionally some confusion as to whether wanting a joint means being in the mood for pot or in need of a new knee.

Holding On For Dear Wife
If you pledge “til death do us part” at 25, you could be promising to spend 100 years together. (You might serve a similar amount of time if you murder several of your neighbors.)

Look Who’s Caulking
Lately, it’s increasingly hard to tell $20 million leading ladies from those earning $20 a day redeeming cans, and ragged, unshaven Hollywood moguls from ragged, unshaven Hollywood Boulevard bums. Since both often appear to be shouting at nobody in particular, it helps to look for the Bluetooth headset -- a sign that the guy probably has a real live person on the other end of his ravings, and parks something tagged “Jaguar” or “Mercedes,” not “Please Return This Cart To Staples.”

Slowing The Spread Of Affection
I can just see her at work: Some poor old guy is flatlining, and she's on her cellphone making a hair appointment while crawling around on her hands and knees looking for the back of her earring. "Hang in there, Mr. Jones, I just have to see if the colorist is in on Wednesday."

Droop Therapy
Think about it: If men evolved to be attracted to grandmas, and women to men who do bong hits and nap a lot, the human race would’ve died off before it ever got out of the cave.

Death’s Doormat
There are those who always look for the best in people. “Despite everything, I still believe people are good at heart,” wrote Anne Frank. And then the Nazis dragged her off to death camp.

The Balance Of Cower
Men’s magazines never have screaming cover lines like “How to Meet Really Average-Looking Women!” and “Top 10 Ways to Bag a 5.5!” But, for most men, beautiful women, like powerful women, are too much work. Too hard to approach, to talk to, and especially, to hang onto: “She’ll get to my place early…one look at the guy with the abs next door, and that’ll be that!” You’ve probably met men who think like this. Well, not met them, exactly. Just had them yell at you on their way out of the bar: “Find some other poor schlub to lick your boots, Beyoncé!”

Can’t Get Bare From Here
Now, there could be some alternate universe out there where it’s a wise idea to let a woman know, “You may as well have a bag over your head during sex because I’m thinking of Eva Longoria.” In our universe, merely having a thought is not considered reason enough to release it into the atmosphere. Just ask all the other men (and women) who recast the lead when they’re in bed, yet manage to avoid alerting the editorial staff of Entertainment Tonight.

Just the Too Much Of Us
Desire runs on the economics of scarcity. That's why diamonds, not speckled gray pebbles, "are forever," and why special occasions are celebrated with champagne and caviar, not tap water and a scoop of tuna. You want what's rare, or seems rare, not what's there 24/7 gassing up your couch.

Empower Struggle
Yes, leave it to the women's movement to turn itself into something that keeps women from moving. It was supposed to be about sensible stuff like equal pay for equal work -- fantastic idea -- and giving everybody the vote. Then, a bunch of rad-fem loonies like Sheila Jeffreys (England's Andrea Dworkin) jumped into the fray: "When a woman reaches orgasm with a man, she is only collaborating with the patriarchal system, eroticizing her own oppression."

You've Got Bail!
A friend's ex-wife used to threaten suicide all the time: "I'm taking the pills, and I'll be dead before you get home!" My friend, noting the lady exhibited a remarkable will to live as long as she was getting her way, would reply, "Does that mean you don't want me to pick you up that huge Hershey bar? How about I just cram it between your big purple lips?"

Be Cruel
I'm 24. My on-again/off-again six-year relationship with my ex ended two years ago when he dumped me for cheating on him. Two months later, I met my fiance. Recently, my ex finally became willing to talk on a friendly basis....

Love, Actualized
Will your marriage be happier if you defoliate the rain forest for your centerpieces, recite your vows under a man-made waterfall of Dom Perignon, and have Elvis brought back from the dead to play your wedding?

'Til Dearth Do Us Part
You've probably heard that money can't buy happiness. Well, welfare checks can't buy it either. Still, if you're going to be miserable, wouldn't you rather throw yourself down on a Stearns & Foster ultra-plush Euro PillowTop for a good cry about your meaningless life? Let's face it: Money is the root of good dentistry, wine that doesn't unscrew, and vacations that go beyond sitting at a bus stop and imagining palm trees.

Leave Dull Enough Alone
Like a lot of parents, your parents divide their daughter's boyfriends into two categories: potential husbands and guys who spend their spare time knocking over liquor stores and boosting cars. Your boyfriend does have the stability and dependability parents look for when separating the fiances from the felons. Alas, he combines these with all the personality of a bran muffin.

Leering Impaired
Whatever happens, you'll always have Miss February. Sure, people are bound to stare when you're out to dinner with a magazine page Scotch-taped to the chair across from you, but there are a few things you can count on: She'll always be naked; she'll always be smiling; and she'll never crawl off page 89 and start ransacking your sock drawer when you get in the shower.

Pout From Under
That chip on your shoulder isn't making you any taller.

Fetal Attraction
Surely, you've heard some of the names for a man whose only form of birth control was the word of a woman he barely knew: "Daddy," "Da-da," "My Old Man," and "The Dupe Who's Gonna Pay My Kid's Tuition To Harvard

The Sound And The Furry
Ideally, making out with your boyfriend shouldn't have a lot in common with being mauled by a hedgehog.

Can't Believe I Innate The Whole Thing
There are those men who like the larger ladies. Chances are, they aren't the ones who married a size 3. By the same token, a woman who tied the knot with some high-powered suit probably wouldn't be too thrilled if he quit his job and sat cross-legged in sandals and a caftan, explaining that he can't send out resumes because "it's not part of my higher purpose right now."

To The Better End
"Till death do us part" works best when one spouse dies long before the other nags them to take out the garbage 35,000 times.

Swelling Herself Short
Male sexuality is all about the visuals. That's why men's magazines are filled with pictures of naked women with freakishly large breasts while women's magazines are filled with pictures of lip gloss...

Swami Dearest
Like the dinner guest who begged my friends to rearrange their living room furniture so it wouldn't be "bad for her aura," being cartoonishly irrational doesn't make this girl a bad person, just a bad person to be with. A case in point: You've dated her three weeks, and you already have centuries of baggage. "Have a nice day," you say? Oops, bad idea. She bursts into tears. "How could you say such a thing?! Just a few lifetimes ago, I was in Pompeii, and you're telling me to have a nice day? You ever have a nice day while being smothered in ash?!"

Bed Over Heels
If there's one thing this guy has, it's the sense to recognize a good thing when he sees it: a girlfriend who wants to believe he does some of his best thinking while naked and having sex with his ex.

A Heart-To-Tart Talk
Like a growing number of young women, if your girlfriend had put a notch in her bedpost every time she bagged a guy, odds are she would've been sleeping on the floor in a pile of sawdust in a matter of months. Caught In A Bridal Wave Imagine if people ran their friendships like they run their relationships: "Sign on the dotted line to be my lifelong best bud, or I'll never grab a beer with you again!" Luckily, there's still no such thing as "friendlock"; only the aptly named "wedlock." Come on, if marriage was the bliss-bomb it's cracked up to be, why would we need to lock couples in?

Caught In A Bridal Wave
I've been dating a lovely woman for two years. Neither of us wants children. I'm divorced, and I made it clear from the beginning that I wanted a long-term monogamous relationship, not marriage. Seven months ago, she returned from...

In Thickness And In Health
People getting married never ask what they really need to know: "You aren't planning on dealing drugs out of the garage, going on a toenail clipping strike, or porking out immediately after we tie the knot...are you?"

Chump Change
If you were a duck, you'd fly around during hunting season in a little gold lame vest, towing a banner that reads "PICTURE ME NAKED ON YOUR PLATE ON A BED OF WHIPPED POTATOES!" As a man, you can simply go to a bar and be yourself -- loud, clear, and needy -- and women will picture you lying on the floor in a three-piece linoleum suit, shouting, "Walk all over me!"

No Plane, No Gain
In the movies, two people, desperate to be together, overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles so they can live "happily ever after"...and then the house lights come up. What happens the next morning is anyone's guess -- and for good reason. Chasing what you can't quite have is the fun part. After the drama's done, then what? Two people, overcome by seemingly insurmountable piles of dirty laundry, struck by the sinking realization that once-charming idiosyncrasies are rapidly morphing into excruciatingly irritating tics?

The Taming Of The Spew
Sit down, because you're in for some shocking revelations: 1. There is no Santa Claus. 2. The Tooth Fairy has a five o'clock shadow and a beer gut. 3. You married a man, not Oprah.

How The Mother Half Lives
Dropping everything to run off in search of some really hot sex -- oh, I'm sorry, I mean TRUE LOVE -- is the province of people like me, who recognize that they're self-absorbed, self-indulgent, and impulsive, and thus unfit to be parents. Unfortunately, parenthood is too often the province of people like you, who are also self-absorbed, self-indulgent, and impulsive, but refuse to let that stop them from accessorizing with a baby.

Hot To Not
"All you need is love," sang The Beatles. Of course, they were pop stars so they got more sex than they knew what to do with.

He Shrinks The World Of You
Now, maybe you do dress "with class" -- perhaps favoring intelli-bimbo style (push-up bra, tiny dress, high heels, and librarian glasses) -- or maybe you make hookers look like they're modeling the Amish collections for fall. Regardless, you've been dressing yourself for quite some time in keeping with your personal aesthetic. This is called "self-expression," not "insecure boyfriend-expression" -- despite Mr. Mother Superior's attempt to shame you into dressing with a little more decorum.

Adultery! Now In Handy Sample Size!
What if you could mow through an entire chocolate cake, but pass the calories on to the revenge object of your choice? Yes, "once on the lips, forever on the hips" -- of your cranky neighbor or your boss, who's too busy running her eBay business to earn her inflated salary. "I just don't get it," she complains as she's dumping her work on your desk. "No matter how much I diet, I pack on the pounds like I'm hooked up to a melted butter IV." (You'd offer her your sincere condolences, but it's impolite to talk with your mouth full of frosting.)

Life In The Fast Wane
Now, here's a discerning woman. All she has to know about a guy before she spends the day hurtling upside down a hundred feet in the air with him is that he has access to a telephone and the Internet. Sure, this describes you -- and any number of guys doing time for a smorgasbord of violent felonies.

Nurse Case Scenario
Who better to marry and start a family with than a woman with an anxiety disorder and really low self-esteem? Picture your life 10 years from now: "No, Hunter isn't here; I think he's out vandalizing cars, or maybe setting the community center on fire." Your daughter, Pyneapple, sells nude videos of herself on the Internet -- between chat sessions on pro-anorexia Web sites..."

It's Arraigning Men
You could be making polite conversation with a guy with a face like a broken scone and the body of an ottoman, and your fiance would see Brad Pitt making the moves on you: "Brad" wants you, you want him; it's only a matter of time before Jennifer's stuff is piled on the curb in Malibu, and Brad's got you chained up in his designer dungeon. Yeah, this is going to happen -- and your grandma's going to rob the corner liquor store, buy crack with the money, and sell it to schoolchildren.

Hunting And Blathering
Cats don't water-ski. Rosebushes don't drive station wagons. Straight men don't chat.

Slack To The Future
Everybody's so busy trying to live forever that they forget to live today: "Hmm, might not make it to age 302 if I eat a piece of beef. I'll pretend ice cream is oven cleaner, and a forkful of steak is a cleverly disguised loaded gun, then subsist on pencil shavings on dry toast..."

Belling The Cad
"Come live with me, and be my love," the Christopher Marlowe poem begins. I forget the next line, but I'm pretty sure it isn't "But please, my beloved, drop your cats off to be gassed on your way over."

Desperate But Equal
Sorry if it gets your leg hair in a snarl, but equal doesn't mean identical. Women expecting the same coin for the same work as men makes sense. Your Evel Knievel-like leap to the conclusion that men and women ARE the same makes me wonder whether you've ever seen a man naked. Nudeflash: Men and women are physically different. That's why men do not wear bras or Kotex, and doctors are not accused of malpractice for neglecting to offer women prostate exams...

The Mold And The Beautiful
Oh, come on. Like a woman in the withering fluorescent light of the supermarket is really going to scream, "Help, help, rapist in aisle four!" because you've interrupted her study of the number of carbs in a pack of Snackwells. The real problem is your shyness, compounded by your refusal to lift so much as a meek little finger to overcome it. Imagine applying the same approach to the automotive issues in your life. Maybe your mechanic says you need new brakes. What do you do, sigh "Perhaps I just won't stop!"?

Meet Marketing
A guy doesn't chat you up because his vocal cords need exercise. He's thinking of asking you out. At the same time, he's worried about his ego: Will you grab it, throw it on the floor, and jump up and down on it? Drop it from a tall building to see if it bounces when it hits cement? Club it like a baby seal and make change purses out of its hide?

The Grill Of The Chase
Surely, several hundred lumpy pounds of fat wouldn't stop you from taking her out and refusing to tell her about yourself. After all, you, if anyone, know it's a woman's inner beauty that matters -- even if you have to send in a search party of gastric bypass surgeons to find it. Right? Right?

Save The Males
Sure, this particular guy might share your interest in preserving the planet and its species, but species preservation does begin at home, and chasing you naked around his home was most likely what he had in mind.

Claws And Effect
There are people out there who never speak a harsh word to anyone. They're dead. For almost everyone else, it's a struggle. Take me, for example. To say I'm no Gandhi is something of an understatement, considering my habit of screaming "ENVIRONMENT-HOGGING VULGARIAN!" at strangers driving huge SUVs. Still, I wouldn't say a cruel word to my boyfriend.

Plain And Suffering
Men are attracted to attractive women. What, exactly, "attractive" is does vary from man to man, but it generally involves women who are unlikely to be mistaken for paunchy, middle-aged plumbers named Clem. In other words, if you're looking for a boyfriend, it's in your best interest to invest that extra 72 seconds of effort to throw on an outfit that sends the message "Ask me for my phone number" instead of "Ask me for a free estimate on snaking your drain."

Little Photoshop of Horrors
I've been talking to a woman via e-mail and phone for several months. We live hundreds of miles apart, but I've suggested we meet for a date in her area. She enthusiastically agreed. My usual modus operandi is to buy...

Bride And Seek
"Hey, baby...how 'bout you come home with me and we have a healthy, supportive relationship -- all night long?"

Of Mice And Mice
Humans are now the only mammal mating while deliberately ignoring the biological realities of existence: It's the alpha dog who gets the girl, not the guy who responds to the femi-ninny complaint "men just want sex!" by hanging his head in shame and insisting, "Oh, no...we just want to sit around and read you communist poetry."

The Reshape Of Things To Come
It sometimes it takes a serious relationship for men to truly understand the meaning of "those three little words": torture, degradation, and deathwish...

A Broom Of His Own
How would you describe the visual theme of your house? "Recently Robbed"? "Gently Ransacked"? Whatever you call it, it can't be a pleasing aesthetic for a woman who probably slacks off in the housekeeping department by leaving a single unwashed martini glass in the sink.

Five Greasy Pieces
Bad hair is not a revenge move. That's why characters on The Sopranos generally bump off their enemies with handguns or blunt objects -- they don't make them stare for hours at men in toupees. Like your boyfriend's hair mistake-over, the toupee is proof of a common blind spot in heterosexual men: the inability to see reality, as perceived by the rest of humanity, while looking directly into the mirror. A man sporting a head-rug is under the impression he's hiding hair loss. Of course, he could be running down the street, naked and on fire, and it's the first thing anybody would see: "Mommy, Mommy, look at that man with the dead ferret where his hair should be!"

Hope Springs Internal
Desperate has become the new normal -- hence, the massive billboard I spotted outside the famous Pink's hot dog stand in Los Angeles: "Wife Wanted. White male, nice looking, great sense of humor, financially secure, loves to travel, seeks fun fit female (age 32-46) with a great smile and a wonderful heart. Call 310-226-2999." Forget agonizing about approaching women on the street; this guy has to contract with a call center every time a bus passes.

Thighs Matter
Guys are not standing around at parties, whispering to each other, Wow, get a load of the personality on the girl across the room with the butt zoned for two-family housing. of course, is in that dating Disneyland where the vast majority of your friends reside. In their world, nice men don strapped to her back. There, Sports Illustrated swimsuit models run into the hundreds of pounds, and get hoisted onto the beach with heavy-duty cranes. Victoria they resemble Drew Carey when the lights are dimmed.

Thighs Matters Bad

Homely Security Issues
My boyfriend just confessed that he feels “intimidated” by my attractiveness! He said he's had relationships in the past with less attractive women and felt more secure. Is this ridiculous, or what!? --Pretty Dumbfounded The supermodel does not lie down...

Will You Bury Me?
You take the Attila the Hun approach to love. After casting your boyfriend in the role of Europe, you marched all over him until he surrendered, and finally agreed to fork over the rock. Granted, you did it in the name of love, as in, "I love you so much that I don't care what you want, and I'm going to make your life a living hell until you make me your wife." Charming.

The Tart Of Compromise
Okay, so you aren't comfortable in nasty-girl clothes. We all know the feminist party line: A woman should never, ever do anything that makes her feel uncomfortable. That might not be one of the dumbest things I've ever heard, but it does come close. Perhaps it's escaped your notice, but the world is not exactly one great big comfort zone. That's why you spend much of your lifetime working and paying a lot of taxes, instead of lying around and being massaged with hot oil by a harem of male models...

Some Unkinda Wonderful
He seems so great "otherwise"? That's like saying Hitler was a really great guy except for that little matter with the Jews, gypsies, Catholics, and gays...

Hopeless Is More
Sure, she says she still has "feelings" for you -- probably like the cozy feeling that you'll do quite nicely as a backup penis, should any of the dates on her international sex tour cancel. There's no telling what the future will hold -- or who'll be holding her in it. That said, it's extremely unlikely to be you if you suck away any respect she might have for you by waiting at her door like a sad doggie while she runs around with a bunch of other guys...

How Do I Shove Thee?
My boyfriend of six months just divulged that he is not in love with me. This came as quite a shock, since he'd been saying he was all along (the past four months). I made the first move in telling...

Out On A Pledge
What does it mean when a man says “I'll call you” at the end of a date? Some guys say it and call; other guys say it and don't. Why do they say it if they don't mean it? Do...

Star 69-Crossed Lovers
For three months, I dated a girl who was perfect for me. I got scared, and acted like a total jerk, pushing her away without really explaining myself. I think I hurt her. It's been a year, but I've been...

How To Whim Friends And Influence People
My girlfriend of two months has some sort of control streak. For example, she called while away on business to say she was all dolled up and all the guys were swooning over her. Sarcastically, I thanked her for telling me....

Love Takes Its Poll
I'm a 44-year-old woman who's recently become single. Most of the men who ask me out are in their early-to-mid-30s, but I've gotten to know a really special guy who happens to be 22. He's asked me out, and I'd...

Long Day's Gurney Into Night
After eight years of marriage, my wife and I have decided to split up. The deaths of several close relatives changed us both in radically different ways. She grew cautious and careful, and I started living as if there were...

For Whom The Cell Tolls
I broke up with a woman I really liked, after two months, because she always answered her cell phone while we were together. The last straw was a 10-minute chat with her friend while I stood by waiting for her...

The Thrift Of Gab
I'm in the public eye, I've done well financially, and I'm not bad looking. A female coworker tells me I'm the kind of guy single women refer to as "good on paper." Off paper, there's a catch: Although I have...

Gloom With A View
I'm 36 and my fiancee is 37. We've had a great sex life -- until recently. She began taking Prozac for depression, and it's drastically reduced her sex drive. We hardly have sex anymore (maybe once on weekends, never during...

Wife Or Something Like It
I'm a 36-year-old man who can't decide whether a life of being single is good or bad. Sometimes, I get lonesome for a good, honest woman...then, two seconds later, I'm after the one-night bad girls yet again. I'm torn between...

Barfing Up The Wrong Tree
I'm a 19-year-old gay male. About a month ago, I “met” a 26-year-old guy on a gay phone chat line. We had four conversations, during which we learned we had all this stuff in common, so we went on a...

Grill Seeker
Have you ever heard of a guy taking a woman on a trip, saying he loved her, and not wanting to be intimate? I'm at least vaguely hot, but the (hot) 30-year-old Ph.D. science professor I was dating lost interest...

Booty Is Truth
I've had a crush on the bartender at a local pub. We've flirted, but I never made a move because I'd heard he had a girlfriend. Well, last weekend, I asked him if he was single. Not only was he...

Mush To Judgment
I know my boyfriend loves me, but I can't get him to understand the difference between “thoughtful” and “romantic.” He'll surprise me with socks I need (thoughtful), but not flowers I don't (romantic). He pointed out that he didn't buy...

Call Waiting And Waiting
I met a guy whose job brings him to my city every two weeks. He took me to dinner, held my hand, kissed me, and asked me for another date (in two weeks, when he's back). The problem is, he...

Connect The Spots
Nine months ago, I started secretly dating an out-of-town coworker, only seeing him when business brought him to the city. Company rumors pegged him as a big player, so I wasn't surprised when he said he'd just come out of...

Clod Is In The Details
I spotted a beautiful girl on Wednesday at a local bar. To break the ice, I sent her and her girlfriends a round of drinks. She and I flirted and talked the entire evening, and I got her phone number...

If The Shrew Fits
Every woman I know complains about fighting with her boyfriend. The battles range from irritated bickering to terrible screaming matches. I'm worried because my boyfriend and I have been together a year, and we've never had an argument, big or...

Bad Hobbits Die Hard
My husband's a great guy, but we've lost romantic interest in each other. After 10 years together, I'm no supermodel, and he's as romantic as a refrigerator. I've fallen in love with someone else -- Frodo Baggins, the lead Hobbit...

Living Extra-Large
I'm a caring, smart, pretty, 23-year-old girl. I do have some extra pounds on me. (I'm 5'10", size 16/18 -- I am not skinny!) I have no problem getting sex, but guys never want to go further. Married men love...

Handyman For All Seasons
My girlfriend and I broke up last month, after a year together, and agreed to be “friends.” Last week, we planned to go hiking. She told me to pick her up at 7 a.m. When I arrived, she wasn't there....

Pry Another Day
I met my boyfriend at college. We devoted all our time to each other until senior year, when he began to devote time to his friends. This caused us to fight a lot, and he kissed two other girls. Although...

Designated Bitter
I'm a 25-year-old new mom, and my husband's hassling me to let my mother see our baby. I've hated her since I was 10. We used to be super-close, but when I was 10, I forgot to call to let...

Til Death Do Us Tart
I'm dating “Mr. Paper Perfect.” Theoretically, he's everything I've dreamed of -- loving, handsome, intelligent and faithful, with a job being held for him at a prominent law firm. He wants to marry me when he graduates from law school...

Too Amazing To Have Boyfriends
According to what men say they want in a woman, I'm in the ballpark. I'm 33, happy and independent, with a cool job that pays me well. I'm in good shape (yoga and blading) and people besides my grandma call...

The Deadbeat Goes On
I really identify with the girl who wrote you about her lazy, jobless boyfriend. I supported a deadbeat boyfriend who lived with me for a year. He always claimed he was “going” to get a job, and that he was...

A Man Of The Sloth
I've been living with this guy for three years, and it clearly isn't working anymore. Neither is he -- working, that is. He isn't a complete loafer, but he brings in the mail, not an income. He does some stuff...

The Son Also Rises
My boyfriend and I have been living together for a year. He's great. His mother is the problem. She's retired and a widow, with one other son who lives many hours away. She lets herself into our house when...

Love Me Due
What's happened to love in our society? I resent that women won't even look at a man without money. I'm a guy, 28, who's flat broke. I'm not some lifelong bum. Of course, even when I had money, it...

Green Tea With Envy
My boyfriend of 10 months has had a female best friend for six years. They've never dated, but they share many interests. She's a warm, friendly person, and I like her, so the three of us hang out occasionally....

Doom For Improvement
I've been dating a fabulous guy for about a year. The other day, he walked into my house and declared that we should break up. (We had been squabbling more than usual, and he was frustrated.) Well, when he...

In The Snoop Doggie Doghouse
Today was my 21st birthday. To celebrate, I took my fiancee to karaoke. The DJ, who's female, usually gives lap dances with seductive songs. I promised my fiancee I wouldn't get one. Before I sang, the DJ announced it...

Waist Removal
Your response to "Over The Pump" was incredibly sexist. Apparently, he gets turned on by high-heeled shoes, and he wanted his girlfriend to wear them from time to time. He also wanted her to dress sexier sometimes. He described...

That ŒN Sync-ing Feeling
Last year, my boyfriend moved from 300 miles away to live with me. We've been together for three years, and I absolutely adore him. Recently, he started a new job, and he acts like he wants me to have...

Dating For Godot
I moved here two months ago to start a new job. Ever since, an adorable 33-year-old coworker has been standing outside my office door at the end of the day, chatting with me for a half-hour or so. He...

The Sum Of All Leers
I'm a happily married man. I've been with my wife for three years. We have a problem: I look at other women. My wife can't bear it. I don't mean to look, but the harder I try to quit,...

Mush Ado About Nothing
For three and a half months, this guy and I have been spending every spare second together. We have great fun, laugh constantly, and have a great time in bed. He calls constantly, cooks me dinner, and he's always...

Reach Out And Rush Someone
Three weeks ago, while I was out of town, I ran into a guy I grew up with. We exchanged phone numbers, and he called me the next night. We talked about maybe dating when he moves back to...

Not Into Heavy Meddle
I'm the single mother of a 5-year-old girl. My married friends are convinced I should be in a relationship. I'm not interested in a relationship right now. I'm satisfied with my life; I like to spend my rare free...

The Mother-In-Law Of All Bombs
I've been married to my wife for two years, and I've been faithful. The problem is my mother-in-law. She's really sexy, and has an awesome personality. I'm so attracted to her; I wish I could have just one night...

Return To Bender
I met an amazing guy. We have yet to go out, but we‚ve been e-mailing and calling each other. Early this week, I went out with friends, had a wild, drunken night, and called him at 3 a.m. I don‚t...

Pleating Insanity
My husband and I are best friends with a fantastic sex life. We often role-play. One weekend, I was dressed in a Catholic schoolgirl skirt, and my husband was dressed as the teacher. My parents have a key, and we...

How To Be Seen, Not Turd
I‚ve been seeing a woman for four months. For two months, I‚ve been staying at her place on Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights. I work the remaining nights, but in a couple weeks, I‚ll be off nights for good....

Women Behaving Beige-ly
Perhaps you can tell by my heavily accented penmanship that I‚m an Englishman. My recent transfer to the United States has caused me some dating woes. With English women, vocal inflections and other subtleties tell me if they‚re interested. Here,...

That Special Someone-Or-Other
I have been seeing a guy for about six weeks. Things started out strangely because we met on a night when my then-boyfriend stood me up. We got along wonderfully, and I dumped the stand me-upper. Things progressed rapidly. Right...

The Things We Glue For Love
For two years, I've been desperately in love with my best guy friend. He and I dated last year, but broke up for reasons still unclear to me. Actually, our relationship wasn't much of one; he'd hold my hand or...

Love Wool Find A Way
I'm a 20-year-old white guy, average-to-good-looking. I work out regularly, so my body is in great shape. It's my body hair that's the problem. It's long and thick and it's slowly encroaching on every bare inch of my body --...

Getting Unclothed And Personal
Last year, on my boyfriend's birthday, I promised to strip for him, but I never got around to it. Well, now it's his birthday again, and he still wants me to do it. I want to, but I have no...

Between A Rock And A Herd Place
I'm a college-educated career woman. All the women in my husband's close-knit family are stay-at-home moms. They seem uncomfortable that my husband and I don't live in the same suburb as the rest of the family, and that he doesn't...

Stunning On Empty
I am a 44-year-old man, in between jobs. For once, I want the best-looking woman, because all my life, women I've been involved with have been just so-so. Unfortunately, I have a hard time speaking when I'm around beautiful women....

A Beef With The Weed Eater
I'm a 20-year-old college guy, very much in love. My girlfriend and I see ourselves getting married and having children together in the future. The problem is, I eat meat; she doesn't (she doesn't believe in harming animals). This might...

Growing Mold Together
My boyfriend of two years wants me to move in with him. "Count your blessings," my girlfriends tell me. Well, that's exactly what I'm NOT doing...even though I'm very much in love with him, and happy with our relationship, which...

Future Hock
I'm sick and tired of dating women who won't put out -- money, that is. In most cases, women don't even offer to go Dutch or pay the tip, let alone treat me. Maybe other guys perpetuate this by paying...

Fling Theory
Three years ago, I had a summer fling with a guy -- nothing serious, just sex. He wanted more, but I wasn't interested. My sister was there through it all. Shortly afterward, I met my current boyfriend, whom I've been...

Roses Are Dead
Recently, I've been dating a man I like very much. He is sweet, sexy, intelligent, and talented. The problem is, well, hygiene. He doesn't smell so awful that I can't bear to be near him, but he doesn't smell very...

Dense Fever
I love to dance. I've been dating this guy for a while, so I brought him to the dance club because it's a big part of my life. I asked him to dance several times. He declined each time, so...

Hallmark Karma
My boyfriend and I had our two-year anniversary last month, and he didn't even get me a card. I was so hurt and frustrated I told him that the relationship was over. Although I'm a student, I always pay for...

Talk To The Hand
I like this adorable guy friend of a friend. He's single, smart, straight, and fun. He invited me to join him and his co-workers for drinks at 6:15 p.m. Eventually, he and I were the only ones left. I was...

Dear In The Headlights
My boyfriend and I were together for over two years. We broke up when I went away to college. Recently, he moved here, and we started spending a lot of time together. We are, in many ways, acting like we...

Man Of Meal
With all the male-bashing I see these days, I've started hating women. Sexism has been replaced by reverse sexism. Hallmark has a line of cards saying men are pigs. Female comedians ridicule men. Ads depict men as sex objects. Worse...

Nature Conference Calls
WHEN I'M NOT sitting around cross-legged meditating on global warming and world peace, I take on issues that people really care about, like the position of the toilet seat. A few weeks ago, a guy wrote and asked me...

Wedding Bills Are Ringing
This is our first (and we hope, only) marriage. My fiancee and I are both in our thirties, in management jobs, with two full households of nice stuff that we'll combine after the wedding; hence, there isn't much of interest...

A Walk On The Child Side
My boyfriend and I have had a rocky relationship. We broke up and got back together at least three times before we got back together again in April. He used to tell me he loves me, but his attitude has...

Girls Won't Budge For Pudge
I'm an average-looking guy in my early forties, with no hair on top, and a bit of pudge around the middle. My income is also average, and many people would consider my life boring. It appears that there are two...

Cash and Marry
I'm supposed to get married in two months, and I'm having serious doubts. I fell in love with this girl for many reasons -- she's kind, fun, shares my interests, is adventuresome, motivated, and smart. After seven months, I proposed....

Grift For The Mill
IT'S BAD SEED Month, here in Adviceland, and it's almost time to announce the big winner. The huffy letters -- uh, I mean, the nominations -- have been tumbling in. Men are nominating women: "Women are devious and underhanded!" Women...

Blake Like Me
I've been with my girlfriend for 10 months, but it took me only four to realize that I loved her. I'm a true romantic, so I wrote her a poem telling her how I felt. She was touched, but she...

Bad Nudes Bared
Yesterday, I looked in the backpack of my live-in boyfriend of two years and found two pictures of women which I'd describe as pornographic. I was really upset and angry because his pictures weren't of me. Also, they were pretty...

Reach Out And Slug Someone
My girlfriend hates when I use my cell phone in public. Well, my attitude is, everyone does it. She keeps coming up with all these arbitrary rules, like not in a restaurant, but it's okay in the grocery store. Can...

Drive-By Lust
My fiance and I have been together (and faithful) for four years. I love him, but our relationship feels stale. The other day, a hot guy in a Mercedes pulled up next to me at a stoplight and gave me...

The Color Of Honey
Who should pay on a dinner date? --Ms. Understanding IF YOU consider yourself a man's equal, your equality shouldn't vaporize when the check comes. This doesn't mean that you (or he) should pull out an abacus and divide the bill...

Advice Goddess Columns

Amy Alkon