Barking Bad
Telling people what to do is necessary in certain situations, like when it's a more successful battle strategy than "You do you!": dispatching the troops to engage in the military version of interpretive dance...
Bed Over Heels?
It's easy to believe you're "in love" when you're really just in lust. To be fair, lust is a form of love...if you broaden the field to stuff like "I love, love, LOVE your boobs in that inappropriately tight sweater."...
Easy Rewriter
There IS such a thing as "total recall," and it's what automakers rush to do after they sell a car that is not only self-driving but self-destructing: dropping parts like breadcrumbs as it tools down the highway...
The Incredible Sulk
Dating sites work very hard to be inclusive in the type-of-partner options they list -- "man seeking woman," "man seeking man," and even "man seeking genderbeige" -- yet they omit a checkbox for "man seeking hostage."...
Bark Ranger
Admittedly, when people advise women, "Find a man who's like a dog!" they mean like a big loyal-to-the-death black Lab, not a purse-sized poodledoodle that spends a quarter of its life getting foofed up at Monsieur Marcel, the doggie hairdresser...
Leaping Sickness
You don't expect marrying the man of your dreams to turn your actual dream content into all-night notifications of impending disaster: dozens of inch-high coal miners in tiny hardhats and goggles scaling you and repeatedly jabbing you with cupcake toothpicks topped with little red flags,,,
Junk Male
There's a case to be made for a guy being a rushed or generally careless reader and sliding right past "sober divorced writer." However, men are likely to blow past an even more standout description, such as: "I enjoy fine dining, walks on the beach, and dismembering my date and feeding bits of him to the squirrels"...
Fossil Fool?
Sadly, elderly men are often easy prey for young scamstresses. These women sexually tempt or even just flatter an old man out of his money -- all, "You remind me of that dude from 'Star Wars'!" -- making him think of himself as a young, hot Harrison Ford (when the "dude" he actually resembles is Yoda)...
Con Juan
When a guy asks you on a date, it would be great if you could check him out on LinkedIn and be all, "Oh, look...endorsements for embezzlement, insurance fraud, and identity theft!"
Uneven Steven
Apparently, the lyrics of the Carole King classic, "You've Got a Friend," should've included disclaimers throughout; for example: "You just call out my name, And you know, wherever I am, I'll come running" ("though there may be a several-day wait if there's a really good opportunity for my penis").
On Crowd Nine
In some marriages, somebody could lose consciousness and it wouldn't be all that noticeable...
Bare Tracks
Unfortunately, "online privacy" is one of the more absurdo oxymorons -- a contradiction in terms on the level of "planned spontaneity," "working vacation," and my favorite: "civil war." (The warring factions yell "Thank you!" and "No, thank you!" across the trenches until more people pass out on one side than the other.)...
Mute Point
Ideally, if a woman is asked to guess your "spirit animal," her answer won't be, "Hamster lying cold and dead in the corner of his cage?"...
Venus Envy
Self-defense for men is karate or maybe Krav Maga. For women, it's ducking mean remarks...
Foresee Sick
There are a number of things absent from straight men's friendships with other men -- namely how two dudes boozing it up together on the couch never leads to anyone's bra being yanked off and flung onto the ceiling fan...
Bed Over Backward
Your body is your temple! Unfortunately, much of your female competition on campus sees theirs that way, too -- only their temple's Angkor Wat, where there's a dude outside admitting the crowds with a clicker...
Sorry, Wrong Num-Num
Though many things in life come with the opportunity to push the "back" button, once you have a kid, you have a kid. You can't just drop 'em off at the fire station if they turn out to be precociously criminal -- already hot-wiring cars at age 7...
Bedder Later
The wait to have sex with you mirrors the mandatory waiting period to buy a plastic squirt gun...
Ghosting Story
There ARE valid reasons to be a no-show for a date with no explanation, for example, the experience so many of us have of being abducted by aliens who don't have a charger that fits our phone...
The Fastidious And The Furious
You don't expect much from a woman who's "known" you all of 20 minutes: just blind trust that you'll do the gentleman thing of opening the passenger-side door for her -- as opposed to the psychopathic gentleman thing of stuffing her in your trunk...
Plan Bae
Say your car skids off the road in North Nowhere and you wake up trapped in the driver's seat with zero bars on your phone. You'd probably trade your house, your car, and your favorite grandma for some emergency eats in the glove box -- even the remains of a granola bar that looks to have been purchased just before the Lewis & Clark expedition...
The Camera Sutra
Psychologist Erich Fromm wrote, "Mature love says: 'I need you because I love you.'" He died in 1980, 30-some years before Instagram-infused love: "I need you, love, because my telescoping selfie stick won't fit in my cute purse"...
Disappear Pressure
Obstacles to love are like situational steroids. We long for what's out of reach -- and all the more romantic if reaching it takes crossing the desert on a camel or $553 with a layover in Boise...
Tales From The Decrypted
"Online privacy" is a quaint fiction. The reality: Any info about you, from your sexts to your Social Security number, is probably stealable by any basement nosepicker with an IQ over 125...
Wii Are Not Amused
Claiming gaming CAUSES violence is like claiming white wine causes stabbings. (Give somebody a sip of Chardonnay and before you know it, they'll be dealing meth and then arrested, convicted, and shanking somebody in prison.)...
Shifty-Fifty
There are friends you can count on -- and friends you can count on to fake their own kidnapping the moment you are the slightest bit in need...
On Cloudy Nine
Zoos have cages so the lions don't wander through suburbia, snacking on children and labradoodles...
Liar Drill
If there were a class in "how to be a heterosexual man," lesson one would be how to answer a woman's questions about her appearance. She'll insist you give an honest answer to the classic gotcha question: "Do I look fat in this dress?" Always lie. Well, unless you are held at gunpoint or threatened with disemboweling with a steak knife or rusty pliers. In which case, also lie...
Brawl Straps
Nothing like women celebrating other women: "Way to go, girl! Showing everything but your areolas."...
Quarantine Wolf
If we hadn't gotten vaccines, we might've seen a whole new category of lingerie, a la Victoria's Crotchless Hazmat Suit...
Hollow Sheldon
The guy probably figures there's a reasonable explanation for why you're with him, like still-lingering impairment from a concussion you got walking into a pole while texting or a rogue amoeba screwing with your brain function...
Bond Scare
A female best friend can do a lot to make you happy -- even give you a baby -- though she'll have to wait till the NICU nurse gets busy and kidnap one for you...
Haste Crime
You probably like to wait to have sex till a guy shows you that he's truly interested in who you are -- reflected in his asking questions like, "So, who are your favorite authors?" as opposed to, "Say, can you put your feet behind your head?"...
Thin Line Between Love And Bait
We sometimes explain things to ourselves in ways that don't so much lay out the facts as provide an airbag for our feelings. Take a question I often hear from readers: "Why did he/she stop returning my calls?" Helpfully, many suggest the most likely explanation right in their email; something like, "I just know they were kidnapped by the Russian mob." Right. And they're probably still tied up in an abandoned warehouse, being tortured till they give in -- agree to withdraw and hand over the entire $36.72 in their checking account...
When Hair Gel Met Sally
You, like many women, want a man who appears to have the grooming routine of a golden lab: running across the lawn when the sprinklers are on and then shaking off...
Brothel, Where Art Thou
You need a needlepoint for the kitchen wall: "Home sweet sex den"...
They Blow Up So Fast
"Till death do us part" tends to come earlier than expected if your wife's idea of marital compromise is either you say, "Yes, Dear" or she garrotes you with the wire on a cat toy...
Platonic Bomb
This guy probably lives in eternal hope about each female friend, dreaming of the day he can be of service when she drops something on his floor -- like her panties...
Hex And The City
It's a tempting idea, the notion that you can solve your lingering emotional issues via retail, a la "Curses: Today only, two for $19.99!"...
Leave Actually
Sometimes a person fails to grasp that "It's best we don't maintain contact" means "Go away forever, human stain"...
Hate-Loss Diet
It's hard to move on emotionally when you not only have a grudge but take it everywhere with you like a cockroach on a little yarn leash...
Glued-In Allergy
For a man, agreeing to go exclusive is a bit like wedding vows lite, as posed to the man's penis: "Do you swear off sex with all the other ladies forever?" Penis: "Frankly, that sounds a little grim."...
No Manchild Left Behind
In my 20s, upon moving from Michigan to Manhattan, I was quite the grandpa chaser. I have a thing for the lived-in male face and a ripened mind. But back then, I felt personally and professionally adrift -- unsure of who I was and what I wanted to do. Ultimately, I think I was drawn to much-older men in the way Kate Winslet's character was drawn to the door she clung to when The Titanic went down...
Fraud Prince
There's that saying, "act your age," and he is -- as a guy cresting 50 who wants a girlfriend who still sometimes gets carded...
Six Degrees Of Penetration
Turn the tables, and imagine a guy who's hooked up with half the cheerleading squad. Your first thought: "Dude must have a huge..." (and correct me if I'm wrong) "...set of mommy issues."...
Jerk du Soleil
Women -- especially in their 20s -- will blather on about how they want a nice, reliable guy. Then they find one and immediately despise him for how nice and reliable he is: like how he always calls when he says he will -- usually to the minute! -- and there's never that recorded voice on the line first, "Will you accept a collect call from prison?"...
Loot Actually
A woman feels loved when the man she's with does those little things that say "thinking of you" -- as opposed to "spent all day forgetting I had a girlfriend."...
Weekend At Bernie Madoff's
Ideally, if a man wears "statement jewelry," the statement it's making isn't: "I'm in constant communication with my parole officer."...
Dear In Headlights
The other guests are going to a party; as you see it, you're on trial, and they're the jury. The invite: "Drinks, tunes, and executing the borderline attractive girl at dawn."
Life In The Fastened Lane
The sort of relationship where the partners are never apart tends to be a good thing for only one of them: the tapeworm...
Wait Problem
Sexually, if your date is a total animal, you'd prefer it not be the sort that gets bungeed to the hood of a hunter's station wagon...
Needle In A Bae Stack
Grocery shopping's easy when your list has generic items -- "beer," "chips," and "cheese" -- and not "cheese from free-range Albanian yaks raised by monks, whispering positive affirmations to them as they graze": "You are loved, loving, and lovable, and you manifest perfect health by making smart choices."...
Buddy Heat
Sexual chemistry is pretty important. You don't want to get all emotionally attached and then find that sexually, you go together like peanut butter and a repeating saw...
Last Manchild Standing
Love can be transformative -- turning men into emotional marshmallows -- which can lead a 20-something lovestruck dudebro to want to make it known to his posse: "I will not be waking up on Tuesday all Harry Styles in a dress on the cover of Vogue."...
Flush To Judgment
Comforting sayings like "The meek will inherit the earth" (as in, "Someday, you'll be Elon Musk!") are of little comfort while the meek are being given swirlies in the girls' bathroom...
Gawking Tall
Your eyes probably go many places without your body robotically following suit -- like at a buffet when you ogle the chocolate cake and baby doughnuts while dutifully piling a plate with raw broccoli and fat-free dip. Fortunately, broccoli rarely retaliates by sobbing, calling you a pig, and making you sleep in your car for three days...
Meet Joe Blank Screen
Technology was supposed to set us free, not dial back our personal autonomy to that of my late hamster. I didn't have control over much when I was 8, but I loved how at any moment, I could go all kiddie Mussolini, pull Squeaky out of his cage, and make him turn tricks (uh...do somersaults on a pencil)...
Stalk Of Shame
Chasing a man into wanting you is usually about as successful as trying to split atoms with small household tools...
The Blurt Locker
If you broke up by accident and still want to be with the person, there's something you should do, and it isn't spending a month and a half being all "My spirit animal is a 3,000-year-old crustacean fossilized in rock."...
Spite Girl
There are obvious shortcuts in anger management, such as: "Never go to bed angry. Smother the unreasonable idiot next to you so you can get some sleep."...
Smear Pressure
Women are seen as the kinder, gentler sex because they tend not to leave a trail of bloody noses and broken barstools. But women go plenty aggressive on other women, just in ways they can't patch up at urgent care -- like when some mean girl dislocates your reputation and fractures your psyche in 36 places...
Ancestry Dot Bomb
First-time parents live in terror that they're getting it wrong (like that they aren't spending enough time reading "Hooked on Phonics" to their kid in the womb), when they could really just leave their kid in the woods and say, "Come back when you're 20"...
Morose-Colored Glasses
On the day of your friend's birthday, you felt like quite the party animal -- if, by "party animal," we mean "rat lying cold and dead in the corner of the cage."
Bad Harem Day
As you see it, the free-range penis should be more like those factory-farmed chickens...
Old Is The New Black
Dating somebody 40 years younger can make for awkward silences at dinner parties, like when somebody asks one's boyfriend, "What were you doing on 9/11?" and he says, "Um, teething?"...
Job Corpse
Ideally, when you propose a date-night activity, it isn't a choice between: "We could go to the grocery store and look at all the food we can't afford to buy" or "to the bank with a sawed-off shotgun and a wheelbarrow."...
Stainless Steal
Apparently, there could be two snowflakes that are alike -- from very tiny snow crystals -- but they probably wouldn't show up at the same bar wearing the same dress and eyeliner...
Stare Way To Heaven
There's a certain kind of man who's drawn to the sight of half-naked pert breasts, and it's the kind whose eyes have yet to be plucked out by crows...
Blarenaked Ladies
If we're arrested, we have a right to remain silent. Ideally, we don't just confess: "That was me, robbing the 7-Eleven. See -- there on the video -- that's my hair"...
Dad Man Walking
Unfortunately, the men with the healthiest sperm are the 20-somethings who have trouble sustaining adult relationships -- but no problem, because they'll just have their mom call to tell you it's over...
Ancestry Dot Con
If you have to give a 40-year-old kid a home in your basement, the kid should at least be yours...
Laddy Issues
Live with a 20-something manchild and you get the idea that guppies are on to something in how they sometimes eat their young -- long before their gupp-ettes start spending their days smoking weed, playing Mortal Kombat 11, and waiting for the trash to grow legs, waddle out back, and throw itself in the dumpster...
Tender Mercenaries
Dating a sociopath lets you experience what it's like to go temporarily insane. You scratch their back; they'll stab yours and then somehow get you apologizing for how rude you were to leave those big blood stains all over their rug...
Emily Postal
According to annoyed caterers ranting online, lipstick on glass has staying power second only to nuclear garbage and nightmare party guests ("But there was no checkout time on the invitation!"). So, it's possible this woman is a well-meaning etiquette activist acting on behalf of beleaguered dishwashing staff everywhere. Except -- wait, she also bashes you when you're drinking out of a plastic cup, and I'm guessing the garbagemen don't get miffy when there's a lipsticked Dixie cup next to the corpse in the dumpster they're emptying...
Couching Tiger
Be glad your friends are not in charge of airplane maintenance. It's annoying when a nonstop flight makes an unscheduled stop -- especially when it involves going down in flames in a cornfield...
Cujo's Diner
Dogs long to please us, which is why they always give us such wonderful little presents: "Wow, Toto, headless dead bird? Oh, good, because a diamond tennis bracelet would be super boring."...
Meet Joe Slack
Sadly, few companies have the kind of position your boyfriend would be ideal for: Vice President of Watching Porn During Business Hours...
Drop Dud, Gorgeous
Note that fighter planes have an "ejection seat" and not a "go down in a flaming wreck" seat...
Fate Club
So, going by the romance novel standard, you're just looking for that handsome, rapey, billionaire sociopath who follows you around like a puppy...
Adoptee Strainer
We all have to deal with rejection, but most of us get our first taste of it at 6 -- years old, that is, not six minutes after a nurse cuts our umbilical cord...
Flee Bites
A man who's all, "Forget the Tinder randos! I need you!" is a man whose sexual freedom means less to him than being with you. It's basically like a lion knocking on the door of the zoo: "Got a cage for me?"...
All Night Yawn
Over time, everything gets old. Even men and women who are into the freakiest sex eventually look over at their partner all, "Ugh. Not another night of the same old-same old in the sex dungeon."...
Knight Vision
Believing you've found love has a dark side: wanting to keep believing. The most outrageous claims can take on an air of plausibility, like when your friend tells you she spotted your boyfriend licking some woman's tattoo, and he angrily insists he was saving somebody dying of snakebite -- uh, in Midtown Manhattan...
Son Of Clam
If only the Rosetta stone had included a fourth language: Heterosexual Male.
Apt. 201B Or Not To Be
There ARE people you can share a home with who do not do a slew of annoying things, and they're those who are continuing their tenure on our planet in an urn.
Grand Theft Autocrat
It's important to have a boyfriend who shows interest in your point of view, ideally beyond, "Are your arm restraints a little tight?"...
Fickle-Down Economics
Looking for a boyfriend without knowing what you want in a man is like trying to order a meal without knowing what you like to eat: whether you live to put bacon on your bacon or you're a vegan who stifles a sob whenever your mom cracks an egg for your dad's omelet...
At Debt's Door
We humans are ever-failing self-disciplinarians, two-legged weasels talking ourselves into things we know we shouldn't do. For example, there's that saying, "Everything happens for a reason." No, the fact that those $800 shoes are now $465 does not count as a reason...
Heavy Mental
Love sometimes requires one to make sacrifices, but these shouldn't include avoiding any words with more than two syllables...
Coddle Herder
Childhood goes so fast. It's only a matter of time before Cody is 85 and expected to post his own bail...
What An Earl Wants
Pursuing a relationship with this guy is like sentencing yourself to live out the rest of your days stuck in that "distracted boyfriend" meme...
Ex To Grind
Really good sex can keep a man from seeing the romantic hellshow he's in, especially when the thinking cap he automatically reaches for comes from a small square package marked "Trojan"...
Go With The Whoa
If your grandma was like mine, her advice was to find "the one" -- as opposed to "the anyone."
Meet Joe Backup
We have a term for a pleasant, attentive man who drops by from time to time and then isn't seen for weeks, and no, it is not "boyfriend" but "UPS man."
Joan Of Arctic
If your relationship has a spirit animal, it's best if it isn't a dog frozen in time after the volcanic eruption at Pompeii.
Kick The Hobbit
Your nephew sounds like a good guy who'll eventually be some lucky woman's three-fourths and only...
Real Houseknives
When men at construction sites catcall women, it generally isn't with remarks like, "If you had more self-respect, you'd wear a nice, classy long skirt."...
Womb With A View
It's hard when hanging out with your friend is one long "Look what the stork is bringing!" and all you can think is "My stork got run over by a bus en route to my house."...
Catty Litter
Nothing like women celebrating other women: "Yay, you, getting in regular workouts doing the walk of shame!"...
The Devil Eats Purina
It's pretty depressing when doing risky stuff in bed means sleeping without a flea collar...
MC Yammer
There's actual friendship, and then there's calling somebody a friend but using them as a giant ear-shaped trash can...
Dr. Jekyll And Mr. Hide
There are great parties and introverts' version of great parties: the ones they arrive at on the wrong day and find a locked, dark house.
Blurt Force Trauma
Telling a guy you aren't interested BEFORE he asks you out is like coming up to a stranger in a bar and saying, "This seat taken? By the way, I find you sexually repellant."...
Bleachable Moments
Your willingness to appear on video doing dirty hot yoga and making wounded animal noises should be directly DISproportionate to how big you are on, say, keeping your job as a first grade teacher...
Sittin' On The Dock Of The Bae
Heterosexual relationships would be less upsetting if straight men paired up with each other, starting with one guy hitting on another in a bar with, "Yo, I have somebody who'd like to meet you," and then just pointing to his crotch...
Wail Watching
When we're around other people, especially other people who are upset, we tend to get uncomfortable with silences and rush to fill them with words. Unfortunately, not being Confucius or the Dalai Lama, we reach into our memory and pull out whichever condolence cliches are closest to the top, like, "Soon he'll be in a better place." (Where...an urn?)...
See Monster
When people advise that you shouldn't reveal too much on the first date, I think they're talking about your areolas...
Doom Raider
It helps to suddenly become British when you run into someone you dread seeing, because a posh British accent is ideal for conveying a polite greeting like: "What a surprise. I was sure someone would've poisoned you by now, or at least electrocuted you in the bathtub."...
Undercover Smother
It's really uncomfortable when any conversation she has with you includes the breathy subtext: "I like your outfit. I'd like it even more if it were in a pile on the conference room floor."...
Flesh And Bleh
There's being close with your parents and then there's being close like one of those kids on a leash at the mall...
It's Not You. It's Meh.
There's an old Billy Joel love song, "I need you in my house because you're my home" -- not, "I could take you or leave you because you're the shed out back."...
Merry Goo Round
For originality and visual appeal, you can't beat the interior decorator approach to ILY: Your boyfriend walks into your apartment, and you have a little shrine with a small gold statuette of him surrounded by candles and oranges...
Ember Alert
The easiest way to break up with someone is to be crushed by a flaming meteorite. There's no uncomfortable conversation; your smoking ashes say it all: "It's not you. It's me, and specifically, the way I've been turned into a pile of fireplace trash."...
Endless LOL
Shakespeare was Shakespeare in large part because there were no smartphones in Elizabethan England: "Now is the winter of our...triple poo emoji?"...
The Afterwife
It's not like your dad wore dark glasses to the funeral so he could cruise the pretty ladies in attendance without getting caught...
Smells Like Quarantine Spirit
You see who people are when they're tested. That's why fiction is filled with knights going off on a decades-long perilous quest for the Holy Grail as opposed to briefly looking behind the couch for the Apple TV remote...
Trial By Fireworks
Unfortunately, love is not a cure for boredom, so there's a point in a relationship when it's tempting to trade a lifetime with Prince Charming for three hours with Prince Random Stranger...
The Son-In-Law Also Rises
Your "blowing smoke" in, um, a sun-free direction -- like by "complimenting the hell out of" your girlfriend to her parents - is likely to be about as well-received as trying to shove a whole hookah lounge up there...
Haunting License
It's hard to accept that it's over when your partner's breakup M.O. is essentially, "All good things must come to a middle."...
Along Came Pawly
Family gatherings should not be indistinguishable from foreplay...
When Harem Met Sally
"I only have eyes for you" is sometimes actually true, like when two people in a relationship are being held hostage together in the trunk of a car...
Comparison Chopping
When you're looking for love, it's good to avoid wearing distracting jewelry, like an ex-boyfriend-shaped anvil on a chain around your neck...
Clone Shark
When two people break up, there's often the inevitable, "It's not you..." but you don't expect, "It's not you; it's you...with more of a thing for beer, fried foods, and cake."
Gloom With A View
It's good to let your partner know you don't take him for granted, though ideally not by waking up every morning all excited he's (still) there: "Wow, can't believe you didn't sneak out, fake your death, and move to Belize!"
Opener Sesame!
There are a number of lines men would LOVE to hear from a woman -- among them, "I've really enjoyed my drink, and now I'd like to enjoy you" and, "Don't you have a tattoo I should be licking?...
2B Or Not To Be
Let's just say this has some negative potential -- along the lines of throwing back a bottle of pinot noir all by yourself and then deciding to cut your bangs at 1 a.m...
Love In The Paycheck Republic
You'd be asking him to go for drinks, not asking him to straddle you in the staff restroom.
Adultery Swim
People in relationships do develop little traditions -- like coming home every night and checking the closet for their boyfriend's sex partners...
Best Of Reflux!
My late Yorkie, Lucy, now resides in a tiny urn in my living room; I didn't have her taxidermied and mounted on an old roller skate so I could take her on walks like nothing's changed...
Complain Crash
Though you see only flaws, your son sees a lot in this woman: BOOOOOOOBS!...
Legally Bland
Picture the city dump. Sexually, to your boyfriend, this woman might as well be an old tire, a single dingy couch cushion (whereabouts of rest of dingy couch unknown), or a phone book from Buttcrack, Montana, circa 1982...
Meet Joe Beige
Sext your boyfriend and ask him to forward it to his friend.
Dawn Of The Dad
When a guy yells something out in bed, it's a little disturbing if it's, "You make me want to put up wallpaper in a house in the suburbs!"...
Callous In Wonderland
When you're female, junior high never ends. The Hello Kitty knife in your back just gets upgraded to one by Cuisinart...
Waking The Dad
Children bring their parents a lot of joy -- and it helps to remember that as you're jazzwalking to the office so you can put your gas money toward your kid's fourth round of dental work...
Not OK, Cupid
The road to good intentions is sometimes paved with hell...
Bored Walk Empire
At the moment, the perfect love poem for you would come from a clerk at the court: "Roses are red, violets are blue; stay 500 feet away, or it's handcuffs for you!"...
Wane's World
Poets and lyricists often describe love as a medical issue: Love hurts! Love is blind! Love lies bleeding! It goes a little far, however, to give it a traumatic brain injury: Love is comatose...
Grisly Bare
Sure, they say a really good friend is someone who knows everything about you -- though, ideally, stopping short of how your sex face is a ringer for a pug having a seizure...
Flee Infestation
There comes a time when you wish someone would treat you with a little more kindness, like by screaming out all the reasons you deserve to be left for dead and have your face eaten off by raccoons...
Mop! In The Name Of Love
Some men do wait a while to clean the bathroom -- like until they go from needing a bottle of Mr. Clean to needing a bottle of Mr. Arson...
Business Whirled
In seduction, more is not more. You'll be most attractive if you simply let who you are sparkle -- a term that has more in common with "twinkle" than "immobilize men with the alien death ray of your personality."...
The Sociopath Of Least Resistance
Being really attracted to somebody is the go-to excuse for shrugging off a potential partner's shady behavior -- pretty much anything this side of "Well, sure, several of his neighbors ARE wintering in Ziploc in his basement freezer"...
Halving It All
Chances are the guy doesn't think you're hoofing it up to the Coinstar clutching a baggie of change because you feel the nickels and dimes between your couch cushions could do with a little sun...
From Hear To Eternity
Your hopes and dreams change as you go through life -- like when you get a roommate who won't shut up and you regularly fantasize that masked violent orthodontists are holding him down in an alley while they wire his jaws together...
Bald Eager
In social interaction, there's a balance between keeping it real and keeping it strategic. Going mad-enthusiastic over somebody you've just met is cute -- if you're a labradoodle. (That also makes it more forgivable when, in your excitement, you pee on the person's shoe.)...
"I Have A Gleam..."
Charisma is human magnetism. If you're a mugger with charisma, you don't even have to hold people up at gunpoint. They just come over and offer you their wallet...
Spurner Phone
Communicating with a man should not compare unfavorably with yelling into a manhole. (Shout "Hello?" into the sewer and you'll at least get the courtesy of a faint "hellooo" or two back.)...
Charmin School
Weird conflicts like this make you start seeing your roommate differently, and not in a good way -- kind of like Joan of Arc on horseback, brandishing an empty bottle of Lysol.
To The Better End
You say it yourself: "We're bad for each other." Staying together on these terms is like being lactose intolerant and going on a fondue cleanse...
Talons Show
Imagine if there'd been three women in the Garden of Eden -- one wearing a fig leaf a little on the small side and two to ostracize her for flirting with the snake...
Loathe Actually
Ideally, the process of feeling good about yourself is not modeled on siphoning somebody's gas...
The Nobel Savages
It's cute to see your kid playing doctor on her stuffed animal -- until you find out she's gotten a head start on a residency in plastic surgery: "Teddy felt bad about his big furry stomach, Mommy, so I'm giving him a tummy tuck and then we'll talk about laser hair removal"...
Heart Of Barkness
Most dogs enjoy chewing on a nice raw bone to pass the time; hers likes to mix things up with the occasional $200 tube of eye cream...
Ghoul, Interrupted
When somebody talks trash about you, it's natural to want to respond. Unfortunately, sending this woman a "we need to talk" text will require a mediator with a Ouija board...
Keepin' It Revealed
At fancy supermarkets, they try to sell you smoked salmon with a tiny sample on a cracker; they don't slap you across the face with a giant fish: "LOVE MEEEEEE!"
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Camera
Sure, Socrates said at his trial, "The unexamined life is not worth living." This reflected his love of the pursuit of wisdom, not a desire to be under constant surveillance by his roommate and get random texts like "No sandals on the couch, dude!"...
Between A Lock And A Hard Place
There are things your friends don't need to know about you, and "Who wears the Jimmy Carter mask when you're in bed?" is one of the biggies...
Baby Got Backup
People give you a reason for their behavior. It may not be the real reason. Like, I'd tell somebody, "So sorry...got a work thing!" and not, "I'd shave off my eyebrows to get out of your 8-year-old's oboe recital."
The Truth Fairy
Though some men are put off by fake breasts, it's unlikely that anybody will find corrective dental work a vile form of deception, like you're the Bernie Madoff of the perfect smile...
Spurning Curve
Sure, you might miss out on how "awesome" he is. You might also miss out on trying to call 911 with your face while zip-tied to the coffee table...
Vicious Recycle
When you put your old couch out on the curb, you don't get to make a bunch of restrictions about who can pick it up: "Free sofa!* *Except for that hussy Linda and her nasty sisters."
Driving Miss Crazy
Sometimes, when two people get engaged, the intended groom is the last to know. The guy asks you, "So, whatcha up to Saturday? Wanna grab a coffee?" And you're like, "I thought we'd have an afternoon wedding. But coffee's fine, too."
Once Upon A Crime
So, basically, this is you: "I wish they allowed dogs in my building, but no biggie. I'll take this thing you did in 2006 and make it my special pet. I'll feed it raw food and buy it artisanally made toys and take it around in a stroller."
My Fare Lady
Chances are he doesn't expect you to mail yourself in a really big crate or saddle up Hortense the limping mule and meet him there -- just in time for the divorce party.
A Labor Of Leave
A nice thick pane of bulletproof glass between two people is an underappreciated chastity helper, which is to say, in a perfect world, you'd plan your dates around one of you getting a job in a check-cashing place or getting arrested and held without bail...
Fade To Bleh
It's like that spinning teacup ride, with Satan as the carny: "Wanna get off? Too bad!"
Ingrate Expectations
Sounds like you've discovered the gift-seeking couple version of the dude who abruptly stops returning a woman's texts, only to resurface weeks later at booty o'clock -- texting the 12:31 a.m. "Hey, whatchu doin'?"...
The Rid Carpet
When you break up with a romantic partner, there are comforting cliches you can trot out, like "It's not you; it's me," "You deserve better," and "We can still be friends." When you break up with a friend, where do you go with that? "We can still be people who hide behind mall kiosks so they don't have to speak to each other"?
Same Mold, Same Mold
Your problem isn't being attracted to guys who turn out to be messed up. It's going forward with them after you discover that. It's like seeing the sign "Shark-Infested Waters" and then saying to yourself, "They probably just say that so the lifeguards don't have so much work. And I mean, do I really need my arms? Both arms?"
Captain Hookup
Nothing like arriving for your reservation at a steak house only to be told, "We're out of a few things tonight -- everything made of cow. But good news! We've still got carrot kebabs, cauliflower schnitzel, and kelp stroganoff!"
Mail Bonding
This apparently is a thing, women writing a letter about the man of their dreams and then feeling like they ordered online from the universe: "My man's on his way. Just waiting for the tracking number!"
The Dumpster Fire Within
The only man in your life with whom you should be discussing your recent sexual history is Dr. Maury Finkelbaum, your 7,000-year-old gynecologist...
Murk In Progress
When everything seems uncertain, it's easy to go really dark: "Please forward my mail to the refrigerator box in the underpass where I'll soon be living with my fiance, the cat."...
Everything Old Is Nude Again
In your early 20s, you know what's vitally important in a partner: that he doesn't have "weird nostrils" or wear a belt buckle with his own name on it...
Friend Over Backward
This is like that game Trust, where you let yourself fall backward in the belief that somebody will be there to catch you. In this case, your catcher ran off last minute for a mani-pedi, and you woke up in the ER getting the crack in your head stapled shut by four surgical residents...
No Way To Retreat A Lady
As a woman, there's sometimes good reason for you to chase a man, like that he's good-looking and funny and has also stolen your wallet...
Are You Clonesome Tonight?
There are points of difference that are simply a bridge too far -- like if one partner enjoys shooting dinner with a crossbow and the other bursts into tears every time a short-order cook cracks an egg into a frying pan...
I Second That Emoticon
It's easy to misinterpret tone in texts. However, emojis are basically the cartoon cousins of commas, which can make the difference between a quiet evening at home and an evening spent handcuffed facedown while the forensics team digs up your backyard for skeletal remains. (If only you'd tucked the commas into the appropriate places when you texted, "I love cooking my dogs and my grandma.")...
Pretender Mercies
If you always expressed your true feelings, you'd probably get arrested a lot -- like if a cop pulls you over and asks, "Do you know why I stopped you?" and you answer, "You have a small penis, and you've yet to hit your ticket quota?"...
Nurse Case Scenario
When you're visiting a friend or loved one who's seriously ill, it's nice to show up bearing gifts -- like flowers, magazines, and a paper bag you can hyperventilate into...
Charlie Brawn
If a woman says to you, "You're like family to me," it shouldn't be because you have arms like her sister...
Not A Good Lurk
You almost wish the guy would greet you honestly: "'Sup, Plan B?!"...
Indifferent Strokes
At least when you yell into the Grand Canyon, you get back more than the blinking cursor of nothingness...
Rehash Marks
If you wanted to repeat yourself constantly, you'd get a side hustle as a parrot...
Assertiveness Draining
Being in a relationship can have some costs, but ideally, they don't include hiring a private detective with a team of tracking dogs...
Hunk Bonds
There's a certain kind of man a woman looks to date exclusively...for three to five hours...
The Feud Pyramid
Revenge looks so Clint Eastwood-cool in the movies -- less so when you get arrested for keying "micropenis!!!" into your ex's car, right under a street cam...
Lewd Awakening
When a guy messaging you starts sounding like Rumi or some other ancient elder, it's usually for good reason -- like that he's short on hookup partners and the market's way behind in building realistic washable sex robots...
Having A Bawl
Assuming she isn't all "I wanna be alone!" you really just need to show up. You might even bring a little something: "I'm here, and I've got dinner. Very low-carb, too -- your ex's head on a spike."
Bilk And Honey
It would be nice if there were an easy way to identify the gold diggers -- like if they showed up for dates carrying a giant golden shovel instead of a handbag they got on sale at Marshalls...
Meme Girls
Put on 10 pounds recently? No problem! There's surely an app that'll stick your head on the bod of some 22-year-old actress who works out 13 hours a day and subsists on Nicorette gum and bottles of air blessed by monks...
Hint Julep
It's so annoying when your colleagues leave their mind-reading helmets at home...
The Filet Of The Land
A first date should be an opportunity to get acquainted -- with you, that is, not wine from Napoleon's private stock and steak from a cow that attended French boarding school...
Truth Be Trolled
You can take the careful approach on social media, staying away from hot-button topics like politics and animal rights -- only to get a beatdown from a Twitter mob for your #totalitarian!!! #whitenationalist!!! aversion to aftermarket eyelashes on car headlights...
The Incredible Sulk
Spouses can't meet each other's every need -- and shouldn't be expected to. Like, if you're doubled over in pain, you don't just hand your wife some dishwashing gloves and a knife and be all, "Kitchen-floor appendectomy, babe?"...
Mourning Wood
The way you see it, he went through some Stages of Grief: 1) Wow, this is terrible and life-shattering. 2) Boobs!...
Baptism By Liar
Well, on the upside, he isn't afraid to express his feelings. On the downside, if you're like many women, you prefer your relationships long-form -- more Nicholas Sparks' "The Notebook" than 3M's "The Post-it Note."...
Done Juan
You are owed: 1. The correct change. 2. The news that a guy you've been dating is no longer interested. Period. It is not his job to tell you that you are, say, bad in bed or have all the table manners of a coyote on recent roadkill...
The Heart Is A Clonely Hunter
You can kinda see the merits of dating your doppelganger: "I'm looking for myself, but as someone else so I don't always have to empty the dishwasher and scream out my own name in bed."...
Groundhug Day
Many couples do eventually need help from a professional to connect physically -- whether it's an advice columnist, a sex therapist, or a bank robber who leaves them duct-taped together in the vault...
The Pathogen Of Least Resistance
It's nice when your girlfriend always has your back -- but not because she's constantly two steps behind you with the wet mop...
Sotally Tober
He's seen you swear off drugs and alcohol before -- typically for several hours on a Tuesday...
A Body At Rust
"Being and Nothingness" is 722 pages of stylishly depressing existentialism by Jean-Paul Sartre; ideally, it does not also describe what goes on in bed between you and your wife...
Sister Knives
Charmingly, the men your sister picks for herself look like they could work in strip clubs, while men she picks for you look like accountants who've invested strip malls...
As Fade Would Have It
"Love is in the air" is not supposed to mean your new boyfriend disappears into it like a fine mist...
Having It Tall
I'd opt for the macabre approach, delivered totally deadpan: "Actually, I stretch short men on a rack in my basement. You can sometimes hear the screams from the side yard."
Meek My Day
When your style is grunge femme -- bedhead and jeans that appear to be loaners from a wino -- it's a major bummer to pay for photos that make you look like you sell high-end real estate via bus bench ads...
Tales From The Lopside
You're dating a man who not only is still married but needs to crowdfund his divorce.
Pimp My Rite
As I see it, lingering emotional distress like yours requires serious intervention -- like sacrificing a goat on the coffee table. (Possibly two, if one doesn't get 'er done.)...
Tents Situation
People often say you can discover a person's true character from how they treat the waiter. And sure, rudeness to a waiter is a red flag, but it isn't like we easily identify the sociopaths among us because they summon the server referee-style, by blowing a whistle.
Twisted Sisterhood
If only these two would do as a 60-year-old dude in the U.K. just did to dispute a ticket he got on his motorcycle -- invoked what The Telegraph called "the ancient right to trial by combat." Not surprisingly, local magistrates decided to stick him with a fine instead of accepting his proposal of a duel "to the death" with a motor vehicles clerk, using "samurai swords, Gurkha knives or heavy hammers."
Coy Story
A guy's "I wanna have sex with you!" does work on women -- uh...in movies where the entire plotline is "A nurse gets in the elevator."
Rags Against The Machine
There's actually something to be said for a person who goes into an important business meeting dressed like one of their LinkedIn endorsements is "Aggressive Panhandling."...
Eye Will Always Love You
It isn't wrong to initially be looks-driven: "Now, she's a woman I wanna have sex with!" -- as opposed to "Now, she's a woman I wanna debate on Jeremy Bentham's views on utilitarianism!"...
There's Something About Marriott
To err is human -- as is the tendency to duck personal responsibility like it's a shoulder-fired missile...
Android Rage
This smartphone multitasking thing probably goes further than anyone knows - like, I'm picturing a parishioner in the confessional and the priest in the adjoining booth on his phone, shopping for a new cassock: "Next-day delivery. Sweet!" Parishioner: "Um, father...did you hear me say I murdered three people and still have them in my trunk out back?"...
Taking Care Of Buzzness
A guy will insist he's clean, tell you he's finally just "high on life"-- a state which...hmmm...doesn't usually involve shouting matches with the curtains...
The Litter Mermaid
When a guy you're dating wants to buy you something, it shouldn't be a vacuum...
Crone's Disease
I'm 55. Eventually, if a man catcalls me, I'll go over and give him a dollar...
Worst-Chase Scenario
It isn't hard to get a woman to chase you. Just grab her purse and take off down the street...
Eye Anxiety
You're in a relationship, not a coma...
Who'll Stop The Reign
Criticizing someone does not make them want to change; it makes them want to google for listicles like "10 Foolproof Tricks For Getting Away with Murder"...
Between A Squawk And A Hard Place
A few years back, a woman with a grudge against my assistant called me to try to get me to fire her: "She talks trash about you!" Me: "Everybody talks trash about their boss!"
Fairy Bail Romance
Keeping a marriage together by being faithful is important -- but it's also a step above keeping a marriage together by not being dead. (Note that the marriage ceremony has a little more text to it than "Keep it in your pants, mkay?")...
A Hard Yuk Story
On the upside, you aren't without savings. There's that jar with all the change that you take to the Coinstar twice a year...
A Scar Is Born
In presenting yourself to others, you're like the world's worst used-car salesman: "Fantastic deathtrap for the price! Just the thing to strand you on a desert highway and leave you crawling on your hands and knees over rocky, snake-infested terrain!"
Youth Hostile
Take a counterintuitive approach and put yourself in this woman's shoes: Where's she supposed to shop for men...the cemetery?...
No Girls Aloud
As a powerful, confident woman, you can make a man feel like a real animal: a Chihuahua in a bee suit nervously peeking out of a little old lady's purse...
What's Not To Lick
You get a lot out of your friendship -- but last you checked your Venmo, not $2.99 a minute...
Eat, Gray, Love
Nothing like rolling up to your guy's band's gig and having everybody be all "Mike, your mom's here!"...
The Bedder Business Bureau
"Hello, Search and Rescue? Can you send out a team? I think my business partner is lost in his girlfriend's pants"...
America's Next Top Remodel
If only these women of Instagram were honest in their photo credits: "Hair by Luigi. Makeup by Annabelle. Face by Dow Corning"...
Care Bare
There's a place for the photographic Museum of Relationships Past, but it isn't the area around your bed -- assuming that your sex partners don't require inflation with a bike pump...
Bad Stare Day
A guy's claim of "love at first sight" plays better with the ladies than "I wanted to spend eternity with your boobs"...
Areola 51
Ideally, if you tell somebody you have a few more weeks out on disability, they don't immediately assume it's because you got really bad friction burns working the pole...
A Czar Is Born
Your girlfriend reminds you of a well-known television star. Unfortunately, it's Judge Judy...
Cling Kong
Where there's smoke -- like, say, puffs of it coming out of a first-floor window -- there's sometimes a stick of incense burning; no reason to run for the garden hose and turn the living room into a stylishly furnished wading pool...
Gramping Her Style
Aging is especially unkind to straight women on dating sites. At a certain point (usually age 46 on), women find their options narrowed to men who wear jewelry -- the kind that sends the message, "I've fallen, and I can't get up!"...
Debt Valley
When you've been unemployed for a while, it becomes awkward to propose get-togethers: "Hey, wanna go out on Friday night for a glass of air?"
Foul Pay
It is POSSIBLE that she didn't notice the check. It's also possible that she likes to take time off from complaining about paternalistic behaviors to sample the ones that work best for her...
Keeping It Rio
It's very considerate of you to suggest three months sexually off leash, as she is traveling to the ancestral homeland of male supermodels, where a chunk of the GNP is dependent on Carnival -- a weeklong drinking, samba, and sex fest...
Fifty Shades Of Go Away
Some will say you should be flattered that these men are showing interest. These people don't quite get that men hitting on you because they read your sex addiction memoir are appealing on the level of a barista who hits on you by drawing a penis and a question mark in your latte...
Remorse Code
Ideally, your tone of voice in apologizing simply communicates "I'm sorry" and not "I'm sorry you're such a total idiot about this."
Things That Go Bump In The Knight
The response by some women these days to men's well-intentioned acts must tempt at least a few men to swing entirely in the other direction: "Let's see...I could open the car door for my date -- or start to drive off and let her throw herself across the hood and hang on."
Girls Just Wanna Have Funding?
It is best if the dream date you're proposing isn't all in the presentation: "We have reservations tonight at a cozy new hot spot -- my studio apartment with the heat that won't shut off. Dress tropical!"
The Hand That Rocks The Ladle
Well, according to some research, married people do live longer. However, that's sometimes just because they were unsuccessful at killing each other...
From Adhere To Eternity
Being neighbors is so convenient: "Hi...could I just borrow your stepladder until tomorrow and your vagina for, like, an hour?"...
For Whom The Sleigh Bells Toll
Each of us gets into the holiday spirit in our own special way. Some of us build gingerbread houses; some of us build gingerbread psychiatric hospitals...
Crushin' Roulette
It's just a bit of a twist on the friendship ring. You'd like to give her a friendship penis...
Teetotally Awesome
A person who doesn't have a history of addiction can understand the need to take the edge off. They'll even admit to doing it themselves -- with a cup of chamomile tea...
Her Beta Half
It's often hard for a man who's achieved less than the woman he's with. She introduces him with "Meet my boyfriend..." and he imagines everybody finishing her thought with "...the man whose job it is to eat treats out of my hand like a squirrel."
Woe Is Meow
Nothing lasts forever -- except middle school, which never ever ends. You'll be 85, and some biddy will be all "Look at that slut with the pink walker"...
Bong Water Under The Bridge?
When you're slaving away in grad school, it can be hard to feel connected to somebody whose idea of higher education is Googling how to grow pot in your closet...
Best Man For The Sob
When things get emotionally fraught in a relationship, it's tempting to wish for a simpler existence -- like being a dog so all that's expected of you is 1. Don't pee on the rug. 2. Sit still while the girlfriend dresses you up as a bee...
Denial Of Cervix
There are those men who understand what it's like to give birth -- those who've passed a kidney stone the size of a decorative lawn boulder out a slim fleshy tube normally meant for urine...
Apartnering Up
Parents today are in fierce competition for whose kid achieves things first: "Little Euripides graduated Phi Beta Kappa from Harvard while still in the womb!" Best not to be the parents whose child has the dark side nailed, reflected in Instagram brag shots like "Baby's First Rehab!"
Business Meating
This is like your telling somebody who wants you to dog-sit "Sorry, I'm allergic to dogs" and having them come back with "Actually, he identifies as a parrot.
Droop-Dead Gorgeous
There is an unorthodox but excuse-proof way to get yourself back to the gym: Hire a psychopath to chase you there with an ax...
Here We Glow Again
There are certain people throughout history that you just know had charisma. Moses, for example: "Hey, fellow Jews, just follow right behind me as I take a jog into the sea."
Jenny From The Flock
Okay, so it seems he didn't quite get around to mailing out the formal invitations to the funeral for his freedom...
Girl Loves Oy
Men on FarmersOnly would be understandably annoyed if I posted a profile there, as my idea of farming is keeping a houseplant alive for more than a year...
Pouter Keg
There will sometimes be reasons you are unable to communicate using the spoken word: Your jaw is wired shut. You are gagged with duct tape. A wizard has turned you into a cocker spaniel...
Hi, Anxiety!
Many people find it comforting to believe there's some benevolent force watching over those they love. You, on the other hand, favor a private detective with a fleet of drones who will also supply you with the video...
The Girl With The Draggin' Tattoo
A tattoo is a flesh billboard -- one that sends different messages to different people. For example, there are those tattoos Westerners get in Chinese, which are sometimes deeply profound ancient sayings, such as "Lost ticket pays full day rate for parking."
Fly In My Soup Kitchen
As you see it, he's got a charity deficit on his human report card, and you'd like to fix that.
Boyfriend: "It's date night. What are we doing, sexy?"
You: "I thought we'd go spear trash in the park."
Oliver Tryst
You're saying: "I have a boyfriend. Get lost." They're hearing: "Cool! I can get sex without the crying, the tampon runs, and the map on the nightstand for the precise placement of each of the 300 throw pillows."...
Codger And Me
It's no surprise some of your older co-workers smear you as a "bad millennial." You're younger and cheaper to keep around, and the hair on your head isn't there thanks to a Groupon for Dr. Hair Plugs.
Can't Bi Me Love
There's an elephant in the room, but unfortunately, it isn't the kind you can climb on and ride off to the nearest girlbar...
Swarm Feelings
The first few dates are the free trial period of romantic relationships. Think of it like accepting a sample of lox spread at Costco. You're seeing how you like it; you aren't committing to buy a salmon hatchery...
Dead Wait
Think about the guys women get stuck on -- those they can't get to text them back, not those who put out lighted signs visible from space: "iPhone's always on! Call 24/7! Pick me! Yaaay! Over here!"...
Mock Love To Me
It's probably tempting to give him a taste of his own medicine: "Baby, I did not use the word 'small' in describing your penis. I called it 'adorable.'"
Pitch-Slapped
Okay, so you sound like you've been smoking unfiltered cigarettes since you were 3 years old...
Having It Small
It can be really romantic to spend the entire weekend in bed with a man -- but only when you don't have to spend every other day of the month there, too...
Too Mush Information
We have this notion that it's really romantic for a couple to say "I love you" pronto: "The moment he/she sat down at the bus stop next to me, I just knew!" In reality, "love at first sight" tends to come with some issues, such as the failure to weed out any insta-beloveds who kiss like big-lipped fish...
The Benefits Of Exorcise
Getting together with your ex-fiancee after you've finally started to move on is like being just out of rehab and reconnecting with a friend: "What could be the harm? A nice pastrami on rye with my old heroin dealer!"...
Smells Like Quarantine Spirit
Avoid any temptation to kidnap strangers lingering in your building's lobby. "Are you going to cut me up and put me in your freezer?" the terrified UPS man will ask. You: "Uh, I thought we'd just hang out and have coffee, but whatever works for you"...
Love You Faux Ever
Why does a man say "I love you"? Sometimes because "Look, a ferret in a top hat!" doesn't do much to get a woman into bed...
Power Tulle
Consider men's general lack of interest in wedding planning. Of course, if men did the organizing, there'd probably be a paintball duel to the altar, strippers serving nachos, and a minister who ends the ceremony with: "You may now have a threesome with the bride and her sister"...
Seize The Meh
These days, your relationships probably start when you eyeball a woman on the street: "Whoa! I bet she'd be seriously mediocre in bed!"...
Give Pizza A Chance
Though women assume that men think the ideal female body shape is modeliciously skinny, consider that construction workers rarely yell out, "Hey, Hotstuff! Great set of ribs!"
Buddha Heat
It's like buying your dream house -- and then living in it for 12 years. You still love it -- but you don't jump up and down and yell "Woo-hoo! We live here!" the 10,044th time you walk through your door...
In The Mood For Shrug
That which does not kill you makes you crap company on poker night. "Jeez, man, quit crying on the cards!"...
Credible Fret
"Hey, where's the boyfriend?" your friend asks as she plops down on the couch next to you. You look at your phone: "Well, according to my tracking device, he's at the end of Main, turning right onto Slauson"...
Netflix And Kill
So, your boyfriend's saying, "My darling...my love...you know your happiness means the world to me -- just not enough to masturbate and read a book for an evening"...
Weed Better Get Some Febreze
Surprisingly, the road to respect and good standing in the 12-step world does not involve strolling into meetings smelling like you live in a one-bedroom bong...
Angry Bards
I get it: You were all, "Write a letter he'll never read? Um, I wasn't dating Santa"...
Fade Diet
It's hard on the ego to learn why somebody's leaving you, but it beats needing a Ouija board...
The Last Stare Fighter
"Guys are meant to do the pursuing." Well, okay, but forgive the poor dears if they'd like some sign from you about what's likely to be in store for them if they hit on you -- a hot time in bed or years of painful skin grafts from a 300-degree pumpkin latte you throw in their face...
Prance Charming
The problem with dating largely based on looks is that you tend to end up with the sort of woman who's frequently hospitalized for several days: "I was thinking so hard I dislocated my shoulder."
Fort Noxious
When a woman you meet can't stop thinking about you, ideally her thought isn't, "Could there be a small dead animal making its home in his armpit?
Paint And Suffering
Some people are just irritating. It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with their ovaries...
When The Going Gets Tufted
Your body hair should not tell a story -- like that Fidel Castro and Osama bin Laden actually aren't dead; they're hiding out in your armpits...
Ambivalence Actually
Having regular sex with you does not give another person the right to rake through your diary like it's the $1 bin at Goodwill...
Paradise Flossed
What's next, margaritas and oral surgery on the deck?
The Arf Of Reading People
Dogs have proved useful for sniffing out drug stashes, dead bodies, and IEDs. How great would it be if you could dispatch your German shepherd Tinker Bell into a bar or party to sniff out the human minefields? "Naw...skip this dude. Serious intimacy issues"...
Nightlight At The End Of The Tunnel
Okay, so you're the love child of Rip Van Winkle and a log...
The Shoo Maker
Sadly, the CDC has been remiss in informing men of the exceptional protection against sexually transmitted diseases that open-toe shoes can provide...
Cloud None
Nothing says "your welfare means the world to me" like clocking a man's mourning with a stopwatch...
Waif Watchers
It is more taboo than ever to make cracks about a woman's weight -- that is, unless she doesn't have a whole lot of it. Then it's open season: "Wow, what happened to you? Forget where the supermarket is?"...