Advice Goddess Columns

Shaggedy Ann
No, "Sex and the City's" Samantha isn't a completely fictional character in how, after sex, she brushes men off herself like large, penis-equipped crumbs...

Casual Coroner
Your boyfriend's asking you to sometimes wear a dress for him, not hold out your wrist so he can chain you to the pipe in the basement with the six other sister wives...

The Truth About Catfish And Dogs
Guy, in online dating profile: "I'm 55!" Guy's neck, when you meet for coffee: "I was a war hero. In the Peloponnesian War."

Look On The Always-Right Side
Why not take this to the next level and get an inflatable girlfriend? You wouldn't need to feed her, and you could save big on travel if you'd just let the air out of her, fold her up, and stuff her in your carry-on.

Height Crime
Women like things that are tiny and cute, so it's been kind of a trend to go around with a little dog poking out of your purse. Sadly, dressing your itsy-bitsy boyfriend in a sailor shirt and sunglasses and tossing him in your handbag has yet to catch on...

Crazy Cad Lady
Aww, and there he is whispering sweet nothings in your ear: "Just leave your coat on. This won't take long"...

Meet Joe Blackboard
When somebody at a cocktail party asks the guy "What do you do?" his answer isn't supposed to be "My former students"...

People Who Needle People
Yesterday, on the phone with my boyfriend, I had to ask him to repeat something he'd just said because I'd become briefly mesmerized by a big fern shimmying in the breeze. No, sadly, I wasn't all "Sorry, I missed that bit because my couch caught fire." The man was competing for my attention with a plant...

Splendor In The Crash
A guy likes to have a way to buy his woman dinner that doesn't involve a ski mask and a sawed-off shotgun...

Stray It Forward
There are many people who cross ethical lines at work, but most of them just do it by taking home Post-its or a stapler...

Tender Bender
It's hot to have a husband who's kind of an animal in bed -- except if that animal is Hello Kitty...

Skinny Genes
There's that saying, "You are what you eat." Apparently, your girlfriend ate a supermodel.

Fasten Your Deceit Belt
Welcome to Moral High Ground, population: you. Wow, so that's your real weight on your driver's license?

Your Place Aura Mine?
Yes, "people can be different and still be together." In one case, headphones made this possible -- for a sweet guy who cheers up by listening to death metal but fell in love with a woman whose favorite music video scene has the von Trapp children skipping around the Swiss Alps in drapes...

The Gift Of Blab
Being compatible with somebody doesn't mean you're like them in all ways. I'm an extrovert, which is to say I see a dead car battery as an opportunity to learn about some tow truck driver's childhood in Guatemala. Contrast that with my introvert boyfriend, who recently turned down an invitation he got to this really cool event, telling me, "I already said hello to somebody this week"...

Last Year's Shaggage
The guy didn't even give you a birthday card. Even the car wash gives you a birthday card.

Unzipping Your Genes
If women truly prioritized men's looks like you say, Victoria's Secret would be raking in the bucks with a companion chain of sexy undies stores for men. However, Victor's Secret, if any, remains pretty simple: "Turn 'em inside out and you can wear 'em another day"...

Someday, Her Prince Will Run
My dad loves quoting that FDR line, "The only thing you have to fear is fear itself." Sorry, Pops, but that's ridiculous. There are things to fear in life. A couple of examples that spring to mind: Being in immediate need of lifesaving surgery and waking up to your drunken neighbor operating on you with salad utensils and a steak knife...

Wow Or Never
Can you "make a go" of this relationship? Of course you can! Before you know it, you'll be booking one of those romantic weekend getaway packages to try to rekindle that magical indifference you felt at the start.

Canine And A Half Weeks
She doesn't trust them down there in the spare room? What will they do, get on the landline and make prank calls to Taiwan?

Ugly Batty
There are events in life that are totally unexpected, like getting sucked up by a big vacuum hose into a passing alien spaceship. If you're the one who ends up under the probe, we don't get to go all accusey on you, like, "You...went out to the mailbox on a Saturday afternoon?! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!!"

You're The None For Me
Like many men, you're looking to emulate something you saw in porn -- only it's the coffee table in the background...

The Litter Prince
That used Q-tip is only a collectible if he used to be Elvis.

Irreconcilable Indifferences
She's really looking forward to your dates -- the way a cow looks forward to a personal tour of the slaughterhouse.

Fresh Prince Of Bel-Stare
Like the "g" in "gnarly-ass dickhead," the "Whoa...wouldya look at the Humpty Dumplings on her!" is supposed to be silent...

For Whom The Belle Tolls
There's a reason that the Miss World pageant lacks a mathematics category...

The Bleh Lagoon
Surely, you wouldn't find the bunny-hugging vegan "shallow" for not being up for the long haul with the guy who electrocutes the cows...

Glue In The Dark
Sadly, our genes have not been introduced to Gloria Steinem...

All In A Day's Jerk
Workers' comp covers many on-the-job accidents -- but unfortunately not the kind where a married man slips and falls into his co-worker's vagina...

Trading What's-His-Faces
It's like when you pour orange juice on your cereal instead of milk, which surely only happens because you've been having sex dreams about fruit salad...

What You Seethe Is What You Get
When the cops come to the door, it usually isn't to say, "Your neighbors called and said they heard you loving each other really loudly."

Free (Scared) Willy
A classic car that's been garaged for the winter can also be hard to start, but that probably isn't a sign that you need to lose a few pounds and sex up the undies...

Are We Having Funding Yet?
Even if your most recent rejection letter from a credit card company starts "Nice try, butthead" (a refreshing change from their usual "You've gotta be fucking kidding"), all is not bleak...

The Mummy's Cursor
Who says men aren't emotional? "I don't wanna talk about it!" is an emotion...

Hush To Judgment
Your boyfriend doesn't post what he had for lunch -- and probably not because he's embarrassed to be seen with his sandwich or he's looking to cheat on it with a plate of spaghetti...

Slight Of Hand
Assuming your boyfriend isn't 11, "do u have any openings?" isn't a sex question.

Amazing Graze
Marriage vows are annoyingly comprehensive. Take that "Forsaking all others..." thing. Do they really mean "allll others"? Even that hot guy in board shorts in Spin class?

We'll Always Have Parasite
Welcome to the bottomless hole of wrongheaded empathy -- the daddy guilt version of that "bottomless cup of coffee" that (if you ask politely) the Denny's waitress will keep refilling until you finally die in the booth...

Papa's Got A Brand New Hag
Of course it's what's on the inside that really counts, which is why men's magazines so often run glossy spreads of stout, good-hearted older women crocheting afghans for nursing home patients...

When The Gooing Gets Tough
There are a lot of ways a man can show that he loves you. Does it really have to be "Hold on, guys, while I give my balls to my girlfriend!"?

Hi, Money, I'm Home!
There are a lot of things Martin Scorsese has been known to say, but one of them is not, "I want you by my side at this festival, and I only have to dig through the trash for 8,234 more cans to make that happen"...

Nice Boning Structure
It says something when a man notices a nice view -- like that it's only a matter of time before he and that pretty orange sunset are sneaking out to his car to have sex...

Having The Time Of Someone Else's Wife
There are clues to where on the divorce spectrum someone falls, like whether she makes offhand remarks along the lines of "I wish him well, but we weren't a good match" or "I wish I could leave him tied up in a clearing so something would eat him"...

The Frenzy Zone
Ideally, you'll make a guy ache with longing -- but more along the lines of "I wish she'd text me back" than "I wish she'd put down those binoculars and get out of my bushes"...

See Ya Later, Calculator
Aww, a relationship with an accounts receivable department...

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Calm
Rarely do you hear someone say, "So, I ran the issue by my therapist, made a list of pros and cons, meditated on it...and then went out and put a bat through the guy's windshield"...

Shrug, Actually
Once you've been together for a while, you may still have vivid fantasies running through your head during sex, like the one where you get to the dry cleaner's before closing time...

Really Old Men In The Hood
Since older women often end up dating much-older men, this leads to the question, what's the profile of the elderly bad boy? Cheating at bingo? Swearing on the golf course? Shotgunning Ensure?

Fifty Shades Of Wait
In real life, we call this felony rape. In romance novels, when the guy is uber-rich and cruelly handsome, it's the start of a beautiful relationship...

The Silent Scram
Why take 45 seconds to text a girl that it's over when you can make her obsess about you for two months straight, stalk you on Instagram, and bore her friends catatonic with "Is his phone broken? Is my phone broken? Did he see that drunken Facebook post? Should I have waxed my moustache?"...

Inaction Figure
Unfortunately, drooling while napping is not considered a form of multitasking...

Mr. Swipe Right
Tinder takes all the wait and effort out of speed dating.

Shirknado
Unfortunately, it isn't possible to outsource your relationship to some guy in the Philippines: "Please stay on the line. Your feelings are very important to us..."

Mr. Throng
It isn't exactly a shocker that the thing you want to be asking your boyfriend when he comes home is not "Hey, cuddlebug, how was your booty call?"

Hug Hefner
Aw...how sweet...cuddling that comes with a trap door to the sex dungeon!

Ben Hurry
Sex can sometimes be confusing, but timewise, it shouldn't leave you wondering whether you've been having it or poaching an egg...

Look Before You Keep
It's easy to go straight to all the worst reasons for why he won't call you his girlfriend, like that it would seem disloyal to that secret wife he has stashed away in the suburbs...

Shove Hurts
Is your dating coach 8 years old? Because "I refuse to speak to you till you propose!" is a (slightly) more adult version of "I'm holding my breath till you buy me that Barbie!"

Atone Deaf
"I'm sorry you feel that way" is the Dollar Tree version of an apology. Sure, it has the words "I'm sorry" and the package seems kind of familiar, but it ultimately goes down like expired SpaghettiOs from Czechoslovakia.

Livid And Let Livid
Nothing like screaming obscenities into somebody's face to get them to respond, "Gosh, I forgot how much I love you. And I really want to make all of those changes in myself"...

The Speaky Wheel
It may not come naturally to you to effuse, but civilization is all about doing what doesn't come naturally. Note that chimps in the wild are rarely observed wearing shoes, ties, and cuff links...

When Harry Bent Sally Over The Hood Of The Car
There's a saying, "A true friend accepts who you are and helps you become who you can be" -- for example, a person who's naked in her true friend's bed, feeling really guilty about cheating on her boyfriend.

Dupe Dreams
Say you like camping. A woman who likes you claims she likes camping, too, perhaps believing that she could like camping -- not quite connecting it with everything she absolutely hates, like peeing in a hole and bugs that don't come in pink resin with a matching choker...

A Man Walks Into A Barnacle
You need "time to yourself"? Great. She can do that. Just call her when you're ready. No, not on the phone. She'll be out on your porch in her sleeping bag...

The Endear Hunter
There are times when only your actual name will do -- because the alternative is "Hey, Magic Penis, I'm over here...aisle 4!"

It's Always Darkest After The Spawn
Getting married is supposed to be something you do when you find the right person, not whichever person happens to be right next to you when the clock above your ovaries strikes "HolyshitWe're30!"...

Living Repurposefully
It can be a little touchy for all involved when everybody's answer to "Where have you been all my life?" is "Having sex with your friend"...

Going Scold Turkey
It's really smart to "take 10" when you're angry -- and not just because it takes that long to get the gasoline, pour it all over your boyfriend's Xbox, and light it on fire...

Paradise Bossed
Pick one -- having a relationship or ruling the world's tiniest totalitarian state...

Dust In The Lust
Women aren't going to psychics and asking, "Tell me, Madam Sasha...will he have recreational sex with me? I NEED TO KNOWWW!"

Blareway To Heaven
Sometimes the naked truth needs a back wax before it gets presented to anyone...

Sweeping Beauty
It was so much easier when we only wore fig leaves and you could just rake next to the bed...

Minnie Mouth
Him: "I think I have psoriasis on my penis." You, picking up your phone to text: "Ohh...that's terr--...can you spell that for me?"

The Gospel Of Lukewarm
In situations like this, "absence" would be more useful if, instead of making the heart "grow fonder," it made the heart grow little legs and trot off to a bar to chat up somebody new...

Lip Bomb
It's great to have your girlfriend's kisses kick off a fantasy in your head, but not that you're playing spin the bottle with a camel...

Fawn Juan
Gushing over a woman right out of the gate -- "Wow...you have skin!" -- tends to give a man all the rough-hewn sex appeal of a Care Bear...

Stare Wars
Okay, so your girlfriend's idea of something sexy to wear in bed is a Richard Nixon mask with the eyeholes taped over...

The Hurt And Confused Locker
Sure, according to Pat Benatar, "love is a battlefield." But spending three months fighting with a sociopathic boyfriend doesn't leave you ducking for cover whenever a car backfires like a guy who did three tours of IED disposal in Iraq and came home with most of the parts he went in with...

The Alone Ranger
Just like women, men often verbalize complex emotions -- for example, "I want sausage AND pepperoni on that"...

Waking Up Rusted
Sometimes a person's need feel to safe and loved has to be forgone for the other person's need to not be an Oxy-addicted hunchback at 45...

High, I Think I Love You
What (love at) "first-sighters" actually have is not the enduring love poets write about but the kind animal behaviorists do -- when the boy baboon spots the girl baboon's big red booty...

Toad Rage
Men you've dated briefly will sometimes resurface -- much like bloated dead bodies in New York's East River...

Photo-Bomb Scare
Welcome to the place relationship dreams go to die, also known as social media...

As Duck Would Have It
If your boyfriend wanted to kiss something inflated, he'd make out with his tires...

Hurl, Interrupted
Psychoanalyst Erich Fromm wrote that mature love is "I need you because I love you." Rather different from "I need you because I don't want to be living in a packing crate when I'm 50"...

Grope Springs Eternal
For a woman, finding somebody to have sex with is about as hard as finding an Indian guy running a 7-Eleven...

Wed Blanket
Nothing says "I want to make mad, passionate love to you" like a referral to a skilled and honest auto mechanic...

A Brief History Of Slime
When somebody just can't let go after a relationship, you don't expect it to be your married boyfriend's wife...

Do I Look Infatuated In This?
Ah, yes...your love is like a summer's day -- if a summer's day chased its lemonade with two Red Bulls and a five-shot latte...

Growing Mold Together
No need to pull out the hose if there's no fire...

Nappily Ever After
So what did he do before you moved in, just chain her to the radiator while he took a snooze?

Grisly Bare
They'll hand you a paper gown at the doctor's office, but that's because you're probably speaking to the intake nurse for the first or second time; you didn't stay up till 4 a.m. riding her like a pony...

Getting More Exorcise
Nothing says "I'm over you" like a Saturday night text blitz of hate and real estate...

Wait Lifting
Try to think of this as artisanal dating. Maybe he's finished building the bed out of antique Popsicle sticks but his carpal tunnel kicked in while he was killing the flock of ducks for the mattress or spinning the cotton for the sheets...

Wuthering Fights
If you really want to see what a person's made of, after goading them into a fight, you might do a lung capacity test, like by holding them down and trying to drown them in a bathtub...

You Luddite Up My Life
We get it: You spend an entire day making a small but very accurate Voodoo doll of him and then have to dispose of it when he finally texts back.

Generation Text
Spoken-word telephone conversation does have its merits, like how you're unlikely to find yourself asking your grandma to send you a better photo of her penis...

Gone Juan
There's playing hard to get, and then there's being impossible to locate...

Err Of Mystery
It's good to keep a woman guessing a little, but not, "Am I on a date, or is this guy trying to enroll me in a pyramid scheme?"

A Force To Be Reckoned Whiff
If a grown man who wears one of these things says something like "Let me slip into something more comfortable," you've got to think, "What, the womb?"...

Fifty Shades Of Nay
Not feeling the "chemistry" is polite code for "I'm not physically attracted to you" (or, in really dire cases, "I'd chew through rope to avoid having sex with you")...

Lord Of The Ringer
Okay then. You'll just be having a nice big scoop of "What Comes Around Goes Around." Cup or cone? Nuts? Sprinkles?

Braggedy Andy
There's being open and honest, and then there's bragging about your sexual options, which is the mark of a mantoddler: "Mommy, Mommy, look at the sex fort I'm making!"...

Sleepless In Fallujah
Sex can be a form of peacekeeping, since your girlfriend can't be screaming that you loaded the dishwasher wrong if she's screaming, "OHGOD!OHGOD!OHGOD!"

Hat Crime
Introducing your boyfriend to your plastic shower hat? Easy: "Hi, meet the end of your erections"...

Mourning Breath
The reality is, you're the envy of a number of people -- like those who ran up $80,000 in legal fees battling for joint custody of the suede sectional and are now working as a manservant for their divorce lawyer while living in a tent in his backyard...

Jerk du Soleil
A friend who cares about you wouldn't knowingly put you together with jerks -- which would be like recommending a prospective tenant to his landlord with "He just wants a quiet, safe place..." and neglecting to mention "...where he can pursue his hobby of balcony chicken farming"...

Requiem For A Scream
There are a number of reasons women fake orgasms, like that the guy is taking FOREVER. The woman's thinking, "What is this, the slow train to Siberia? No, the bus. The slow bus. Over the back roads. With a day trip to Latvia. Hey, driver! This is my stop. Stop the bus, please! I know...maybe this'll work": "Aahhhh-aaaaah-AAAAAAAH!"...

Flee Market Capitalism
Men, like all of us, are most attracted to what's somewhat out of reach. Had Rapunzel been sitting behind an unlocked window on the first floor, she would have been just another chick with a hairbrush.

Emotion Sickness
There are times you may want to tell a woman to calm down, like when you lack live electrical wire to chew on or are curious as to how the nurses would react if you walked into the ER with your head under your arm...

Crowd Mary
An extrovert hurries to join in all the fun, as opposed to an introvert like my boyfriend, who, upon arriving at a party, will ask: "Do we really have to go inside?"

Grin Acres
Of course the girls in fashion magazines are scowling. They're in wildly uncomfortable shoes, and they haven't had a hamburger since childhood...

Beyond Thunderdomes
Stopping her would be easier if you two were guys: "I don't like the way you're talking about my boobs, Marjorie. Let's take this outside"...

Tinder Mercies
You can learn a lot about a woman on the first date -- like that she still hasn't worked out her drinking problem and that she doesn't always like to wear panties...

Dork Matter
He's looking forward to watching you sleep -- from the third-floor apartment across the way, with a set of high-powered binoculars.

Break Room With A View
Though life partners sometimes start as co-workers, it's generally best to score hookup partners from the larger population pool -- men whom you might occasionally run into at the grocery store, as opposed to every 45 minutes in the coffee room...

Owe, Baby, Baby
Some personal financial crises are caused by unexpected events, and others simply by how one answers certain basic questions, such as "Hmm, get waxed or continue living with electricity?" or "I can't decide: New brakes or traffic-stopping hair?"

Rise And Spine
They've translated the Dead Sea Scrolls, and it turns out they're actually a 900-page list of everything this "friend" has ever done for your fiance...

To Boldly No Where No No Has Gone Before
There's little that tempers a man's enthusiasm for a late-night shag like responding to his "want 2 hook up?" by texting back, "YES! i'm ovulating & dying 2 have a baby!"...

The File High Club
If there's a next logical step after late-night office sexytime, it probably isn't "Now that we're done despoiling the conference table, let's go meet each other's parents!"...

Feral Hugs
Casual sex, like grain alcohol and ladies' clingy knitwear, isn't for everyone...

The Shoo Must Go On
Is there some crater somewhere where all his promises go to die?...

Socks And The City
In the sock department, as in other areas, it's the nuances that count. So, go ahead and make a statement -- but maybe one that stops short of "I'm really a Japanese schoolgirl!"...

Smells Like Bean Spirit
"Audible" is an audiobook producer; it shouldn't describe your girlfriend's butt...

Meet Joe Blank
Unfortunately, men tend to do poorly at hint-taking. So, no, you can't just stand next to the kitchen table in your cute new skirt after laying out Doritos in the shape of a question mark...

All The Single M'ladies
Especially if you're under 30, expecting a man to open a door for you can be a bit like expecting him to remove his cape and lay it across a puddle or challenge your neighbor to a duel for blocking your driveway with his trash cans...

Hitting Rocker Bottom
What a sweet person you are, trying to show this guy that there's more to life than Tinder-swiping his way to empty sex with a bunch of near strangers -- or, as he probably refers to it, sexual Disneyland...

Eat, Pray You'll Shut Up, Love
If you were any more open, you'd have squatters and roosters...

Toad Rash
Nothing like tearing off all your clothes on the first date to say "I want to take it slowly." (Your words said no, but your thighs had a marching band and a banner: "Welcome Home, Big Guy!")

Shake It Till You Make It
Apparently, this last woman you dated is so used to wearing her heart on her sleeve that she failed to notice that most of it broke off (and is maybe still lying there with her driver's-side mirror at the Burger King drive-thru)...

Malice In Wonderland
Where is the very small, highly targeted zombie apocalypse when you need it?

Two Brokeback Girls
Why not just say it right out: "There's the closet. Could you please sit in there for a half-hour and come out ready to leave your husband?"

Flee Circus
It's good to make an effort to see what a man's made of -- just not to the point where he's unsure of whether he's in a relationship with you or he got really drunk and enlisted in the Marines...

Wane Of Terror
Even milk and meat have the courtesy to let you know when they're expiring...

Baby Got Backpack
On a first date, a woman should be getting to know you, not getting to know how much you can put on your MasterCard before the waiter comes over with a big pair of scissors...

Eyes That Light Up A Womb
Saying you won't have kids for "moral reasons" sounds better than my reasons: I find them loud, sticky, and expensive...

Sociopath Of Least Resistence
Considering that your girlfriend probably feels cruelly abandoned whenever you stop talking long enough to sneeze...

Dear In The Headlights
Yeah, of course she enjoys seeing birds in formation -- in valu-paks at the grocery store...

The Taming Of The Spew
Unfortunately, it's the rare man who has a mind-reading helmet, and even if this one does, there's a good chance it's in the back of his closet under a pile of socks containing semen specimens from the mid-'90s...

Wait Management
How long should you wait? Well, that depends on whether you're hoping to go on your first date with him in a flying car...

Hope Fiend
Even serial killers sometimes go dormant. This shouldn't be taken as a sign that they've grown weary of cutting up the neighbors and storing them in Ziploc bags in their freezer...

Boys Will Be Decoys
If you're going to turn men into emotional support knickknacks, why not go all the way? Cut their hearts out and stick them in Mason jars with cute labels written in glitter pen.

The Wicked Witch Of The Westin
It's great to find a woman who laughs at your wit, but not when she sounds like she'll follow up with "I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!"

Edgar Allan Repo
Here's a guy who will have your back -- getting smaller and smaller in his rearview mirror at the first sign of a serious problem, such as a bad hangnail...

Beak Experience
The fact that you have a thought is not reason enough to let it out to roam the streets, exposing itself to the ladies...

Dr. Jekyll And Mr. Hyde The Salami
No guy wants to think about all the ghosts of penis past...

Stay-At-Home Martyr
Kids these days grow up so fast. Before you know it, they're 50 and back home doing bong hits in the basement...

Between The Spreadsheets
It's a bit of a disconnect to get the office hello from a guy who, just the night before, was undressing you with his teeth...

Rant's Tomb
On a date, you should merely be splashing your personality around, tempted as you may be to hold a guy down and try to drown him in it...

Merchant Of Vroom
When you're on a first date and you'd like there to be a second date, it's okay to leave a little lipstick on the rim of the glass. Your face should not end up smeared across the guy's pillow...

Playing With Mismatches
She sees the two of you getting old together. You see the two of you getting together for sex on Friday...

Seismic Matters
A guy will generally appreciate a woman who's kind of a wild thing in bed -- just not when he jolts awake to call Animal Control to show up with nets and a tranquilizer gun...

Urning Curve
If you're putting on some skimpy somethings to get your boyfriend in the right mindset in bed, ideally, they aren't three strategically located "Hello, My Name Is..." stickers...

Demotion Sickness
This guy's notion of how a breakup should work is like telling an employee, "Hey, you're fired, but please feel free to come in a few times a week and do some light janitorial work."

Leave Story
When a man disappears on you after a great first date, it's natural to search your mind for the most plausible explanation -- that is, whichever one doesn't shred your ego and feed it to your fish...

Pal Rider
There is safety in having been friends with a person for a while, like how you can be reasonably sure that when he says "Here, let me help you into the car," it won't be the trunk...

You've Got Bail
When you date a "bad boy," there are always adjustments to be made, like getting adjusted to how he's sleeping with three of your friends...

Man Of Squeal
Having sex with a woman isn't like the moon landing. There's really no need to put the word out about who got there first...

All Of Meh
There's no such thing as a one-night friendship, and for good reason -- because friendship is based on trust, fondness, and mutual respect, not on how the other person's butt fills out a pair of pants.

I Would Dye For You
Sure, a romantic partner can go too far in making appearance-related requests, like by asking you to have a new set of breasts bolted on or to wear a ski mask to the liquor store...

You Delete Me
"I'm sure that reptilian hissing is nothing, but I'll just rub my large breasts with raw hamburger and go down there with this flickering flashlight to check"...

Leave Of Absinthe
My boyfriend, whose favorite self-help book is "The Godfather," had this helpful suggestion: "Hire a hit man and have the guy clipped"...

The Company You Keep Away
There are times it makes sense to chase a man, like if he's wearing Lycra knickers and making a dash for the end zone or he's just run out of your house with your TV...

Lawn And Order
Word has it that the Brazilian wax is out; pubic hair is back. This may be so -- but not under your boyfriend's chin...

American Idle
There comes a point in the day of a brainy person when she's about a half step from being entertained by cat toys...

Jurassic Spark
Meet Mrs. Robinson -- crossed with Henny Youngman: "Waiter, a glass of chardonnay for me and a box of crayons for my date"...

Belittle Richard
At the very least, you need to ask "Would it be okay if I told you what I learned while in the grammar police?" before diagramming somebody's sentence on the restaurant wall...

Skirt Stake
When you're looking for a relationship, it's okay to arrive at dates dressed like you just got off work -- providing you don't look like the vice president of jumping out of cakes in not much more than body glitter...

Moby Dickhead
Your boyfriend's just lucky nobody's suspected he's lying about what he's read and tried to trip him up -- maybe with "It's like Heathcliff wandering the moors searching for Cathy after she was abducted by aliens!" or "What a relief when Romeo rushed Juliet to the hospital and they pumped her stomach!"...

Getting Their Clause Into Him
There's a certain kind of woman who can get away with giving a man a list of "undesirables" he cannot associate with -- a woman whose job also involves knocking on his door at random to make him pee in a cup...

Scoot Force
If you aren't European or a hipster married to another hipster, it's a little dismaying when your husband's new ride looks like it came in a pink package marked "Barbie doll sold separately."

The Awful Poof
This friend's notion of what you owe somebody after the first date verges on expecting you to march up to strangers in the supermarket and announce, "I've decided that I'm just not that into you"...

Along Came Polygraph
A guy also needs time to goof off and be a person -- to cut out some night to hang with a friend at a party or just sit in his underwear and stare at the UPC label on a can of beer...

Shrieking Beauty
Your wife is one of the few karaoke singers who manages to surprise the audience -- making people turn around to see whether someone's singing "Blackbird" or being pecked to death by one...

Scold Rush
Sometimes, directness is best. Like if you're an air traffic controller. What's important is not that you make the pilot feel supported in his life goals but that he brings the plane to a stop on the runway instead of in some lady's pool...

Zero Dark Flirty
Guys also say "Hello, beautiful!" to the 200-year-old grocery store cashier, and probably not because they're angling for her to send a selfie of how she looks without her compression hose...

The Agony Of Delete
Once you have a relationship with a person, you owe it to them to sit down with them and tell them it's over; you don't get to shove your dirty work off on their phone, their computer, or their vacuum cleaner...

Louvre, Actually
What kind of gift were you thinking of giving her -- the duct tape you'd use to strap her to a chair in your den?

Knight Terrors
True strength involves being confident that you can walk tall but sometimes being okay with curling up in a fetal position tall...

You've Got Tail
People usually want the howling and scratching to come after the date...

Will Onesies Never Cease?
A lot of people use Facebook to announce their accomplishments: "I became CEO of the company!" "I got into Juilliard!" And then there's your friend: "We had sex without birth control, and look at what happened!"

Take A Toad Off
People who say you shouldn't judge a book by its cover won't be ending their Saturday night dodging the book's make-out attempts on their front porch...

Fasten Your Bible Belt
It's Jesus' birthday, but seeing as you guys aren't that close, you figured he wouldn't mind if you skipped it...

Heavy Meddle
It's normal to keep some personal information secret from the person you're dating - like your exact income or the fact that you belt out Lynyrd Skynyrd in the car every day on your way to work.

Curl, Interrupted
When you're running your hand through your girlfriend's hair and a bunch comes out in your palm, it can be hard to keep straight whether you're making out or snaking the shower drain...

To Leech According To Her Needs
Meet Jackie Brownout -- the utilities-eating girlfriend of your roommate...

For Whom The Wind Chimes Toll
Somehow, people who find it perfectly reasonable to ask a deck of cards whether they should invest in a 401(k) will sneer at you for asking a mailbox for directions to the movie theater...

Doody-Bound
I like to offer "Don't have sex!" as a form of practical advice -- usually just as I'm getting into my flying car...

Leica Woman Scorned
When people say about gift-giving "it's the thought that counts," they don't mean the recipient's thought, "Did you find this in the trash?"

Whoa Is Me
After a series of big setbacks, it's understandable that you'd feel most comfortable hiding under the bed. Unfortunately, you won't get a whole lot of dates there unless you have a tiny tea set and are sexually attracted to mice...

Beard-Death Experience
Nobody wants to be the one to tell a guy that his attempted sexy-man scruff is a ringer for a Hobbit's feet or plant life struggling up after a nuclear winter...

Pouring Him A Scold One
It's not like you said, "Hey, cutie, let's get freaky...and if this is being read by a boyfriend, I'm just her grandma, and Freaky is my cat we need to pick up from the vet."

MP3's A Crowd
Desperation is always so sexy -- like Abraham Lincoln in a lime-green mankini.

A Vicious Recycle
Asking out a buddy's ex can seem like the dating version of poking your head over the booth divider at the diner and asking, "You gonna eat that?"

Under New Anger Management
In touch football, you're only supposed to put a hand or two on another player -- as opposed to, oh, tearing out his soul with your bare hands, grinding it into a fine powder, and sprinkling it on your cornflakes...

Hot To Tot
You're perhaps more of an adoption man -- into adopting the sort of little rascal you can leave tied to a parking meter during brunch without anybody calling social services on you...

I'm With Stupor
No wife, no job, probably no car, and no house -- it's like there's a country song sleeping on your couch...

Empty Shelly
When you say to your girlfriend "So, what are your thoughts on the Middle East?" you'd rather she didn't respond, "Like, you mean, Philadelphia?"...

Grate Expectations
He probably mentions Harvard a lot because it seems more tasteful than the alternative -- having his diploma laminated and wearing it around his neck...

Cheat Exhaustion
It's normal for a girlfriend to expect her boyfriend to "keep it in his pants." Only yours wants your eyeballs in there, too, as she considers crossing the street with your eyes open a form of cheating...

Fling Theory
Maybe she hopes you'll eventually come around -- at least to the point where you're standing beside her at the altar, sliding her wedding ring on, and saying, "Hey, don't read too much into this."

Tales From The Cryptic
On birthdays for adults: "If you are over 12 and not a cancer patient, do we really need to throw you a party and give you prizes for surviving another year?"

Clairol And Present Danger
The good thing about bad haircuts is that they are fixable with time. (You can't tell your girlfriend, "Hey, I'm not a big fan of your personality; can you grow it out a little?")

Pierre Pressure
Some men take their monogamy very seriously: "I'm not ready to cheat on my girlfriend. But I might be ready after dessert"...

You May Now Miss The Bride
"If your husband ever finds you in bed with another man, I'd like it to be me..."

Is This Deceit Taken?
Everyone on the Internet should be assumed to be lying about everything until proven otherwise. In other words, consider yourself lucky that she's female. And a mammal.

Selfish Allergy
You couldn't be a better friend to her, unless, of course, you could have yourself reincarnated as a giant ear...

Destitution Wedding
Being there on even your most special friend's special day shouldn't mean you have to take the bus for a year...

Ed Driftwood
It sounds like your boyfriend is really going places. Mainly to the fridge and then back to the couch...

Carbon Dating
The youngest guy to even include 58-year-old women in his search criteria will likely want to talk about Titanic -- not the movie but the boat wreck he survived...

Hooked On A Felon
When your friend meets guys online, it shouldn't be on MegansLaw.com...

Bridle Party
Unless your girlfriend's name is Moses and she's just come back from a mountaintop chat with God, she doesn't get to hand down commandments: "You look at some other woman's woohoobies and I'll ask The Big Guy to smite you"...

June Wetting
There's her father growling, "Why not just flush my money down the toilet?" (Best that she not answer that with, "I actually had my heart set on taking it out to the ocean and drowning it.")...

All Is Not Flossed
Dating a woman who maybe looks like Xena the warrior princess but tastes like Xena's horse after it's licked the break room refrigerator...

Out Of Leftover Field
A month from now, if she's still looking at your buddy the way a dog looks at a piece of bacon teetering on a counter ledge, it's probably time to move on...

Are We Having Fund Yet?
We all dream of finding that special someone to pay the cable bill...

Jerk Stoppage
Unfortunately, "paying the piper" is just a metaphor, out of a folk tale about a town with a rat infestation and a mayor who tried to stiff the medieval cousin of the Orkin Man...

Que Syrah Syrah
If you felt a 2006 Bordeaux would have improved your look, you would have thrown a glass of it on yourself before leaving the house...

Junior High And Mighty
Being male is about being a competitor -- ultimately for women -- down to the smallest scale. As one sperm taunted the other, "You swim like you expect to end up in an old tube sock"...

The Scorn Identity
Facebook is complicated. In fact, there's only one surefire way to avoid seeing somebody in your News Feed, and that's covering your computer screen with duct tape...

May I Have This Glance?
Flirting isn't the only way to get a stranger to stop for you -- but it tends to be more socially acceptable than shooting a tranquilizer dart into their neck...

Bad Harem Day
Ideally, you could have the security of marriage while continuing to pick up sex snacks at the mall food court of bachelorhood...

Sneer Pressure
Being married does allow for some convenient social shorthand. "Meet my husband" is easier than "If I eat a bad clam and end up puking my guts out at 3 a.m., this is the man who'll be holding my hair back"...

Along Came Polygraph
Some people read poetry; your girlfriend lives it: "How do I love thee? You'll soon find out -- after I attach this car battery to your nipples and interrogate you about your lunch"...

All Doc And No Action
It's okay for your doctor to ask you, "Can I give you a breast exam?" -- but not if he adds, "...later tonight, in my Jacuzzi?"

Apartment 2B Or Not 2B
Unfortunately, dropping in on the girls down the hall isn't like visiting a frozen-yogurt shop: "I'm not crazy about the sample you offered; may I try the other flavor?"

Gone With The Windex
It's so rare to find a roommate who cleans the kitchen, I can understand why you wanted to sleep with him...

Plenty Of Fishy
A woman seeking regular commitment-free sex is a bit like a man just looking for somebody to join him for scrapbooking and a cuddle. Each might be telling the truth, but their target audience will find it hard to believe....

Watching Paint Die
There are questions you long to ask her about her work, such as, "What did you do in art school, spend four years playing Angry Birds on your phone?"

Don Emoticon
Maybe as a preliminary step, you could make plans to go to the same Starbucks but hide behind your laptops and email each other...

Six-Month Lay Away
You could tell guys you require a lot of foreplay. Like from winter to the end of spring...

Taking Her Down A JPEG
The reality is, inner beauty alone usually isn't enough, which is why Estee Lauder got rich selling face cream and not books by Gandhi.

The Fastidious And The Furious
You just have different styles of mess management. You can't sleep if there's an unwashed glass in the sink. He likes to let housecleaning wait until it's a toss-up between tidying the place and trying to get away with arson...

Better Sherlock Holmes And Gardens
Prepare to get laughed out of marriage counseling after you grumble to the therapist that what's missing from your marriage is $100 worth of junk from the garage...

Serf's Up!
The way you see it, unless a person's relative is Jimmy Carter, he shouldn't be inviting them over for an afternoon of home improvement...

Sex Degrees Of Separation
What barely happened in Vegas should also stay in Vegas...

Save The Wails
Men tend to like it when a woman screams passionately, but it's less sexy if what she's screaming is "McDonald's is murder!"...

Snot To Trot
If you're inspired to buy something for your new boyfriend to wear, it should be a sweater that shows off his broad shoulders, not a nose guard to keep his finger from scampering up to Booger Hollow...

Fool Disclosure
There's a reason they call it "sloppy drunk" and not "making wise relationship decisions" drunk...

Bambi Meets Waiterzilla
A guy on a date is in a tough position when the waiter comes over and essentially asks, "Can I offer you some sparkling water this evening, or will you be drinking out of the faucet like a dog?"

When Harry Met Hairy
It's great when your girlfriend reminds you of somebody exotic out of the movies -- when that somebody is Mila Kunis or Eva Mendes, not Chewbacca...

Dial Another Day
Giving this woman your number and expecting her to call you is like the lion saying to the gazelle, "Would you mind coming over here and killing yourself, and then I'll eat you?"

The Grating Outdoors
Don't forget my absolute favorite thing about nature -- the whoosh it makes as you're driving past it to get back to your hotel...

Friskies Sour
When you're all out to dinner, you must live for those moments when she and some other woman excuse themselves to go talk about all you guys in the litter box...

Pamper-Resistent
I get where you're coming from. When I was in my late teens, I was hot to be completely independent from my parents. Now that I'm in my late 40s, I wish my parents would get high on LSD and start paying my bills...

A Good Time Was Jihad By All
It's so sweet when you look at a couple and realize that their relationship reminds you of a classic romantic comedy -- like "Apocalypse Now"...

The Deadliest Kvetch
Apparently, the telepathic messages you've been sending her were stopped by their neighbors' chimney. (Just a guess, but do you also do poorly trying to tidy up your house by moving objects around with your mind?)

Cower Rangers
A guy doesn't have to be loud, obnoxious, and "in your face" to succeed with women, but he can't be "in a fetal position behind furniture"...

Callused In Wonderland
On the bright side, if you ever lose her in a mall, finding her should just be a matter of following the trail of black paw prints...

Dinner And A Second Mortgage?
The organ that gets used on the third date isn't supposed to be the kidney you sold on the black market to pay for dinner...

Sigh Tunes
Responding to this question on Reddit, "What is the absolute worst song to play during sex?" Redditor 5secsofpleasure posted, "Hi, I'm Sarah McLachlan, and I'm about to kill your erection"...

Weirding Bells Are Ringing
Taking a guy to a wedding on the first date is like taking a cow sightseeing at a slaughterhouse...

Pottery Will Get You Nowhere
It does seem that being a truly caring friend means putting real effort into gift giving, like by spending six months crocheting a couple an afghan out of cat hair rather than just rolling out of bed and mouse-clicking on something they've registered for at Bed Bath & Be-yawned...

Eat, Pray, Barf
No, she isn't exempt from being considered a pretentious jerk when she signs her credit card slip in Sanskrit...

A Ruse By Any Other Name
Unfortunately, men are more complicated than cats. You can't just tie a beer and a bag of Doritos to the end of a string...

Down On His Luxe
A staycation doesn't have to be a bummer -- provided you don't make it sound like it'll entail your wife's climbing a mountain of dirty laundry while you go sightseeing in the basement...

The Flirt Locker
If you go to a party with your new boyfriend and spend a half-hour mesmerized by another guy, it helps if the guy's wearing a feather boa and size 15 women's shoes...

Kin I See You Naked?
It's sometimes good to confide things of a personal nature to one's uncle -- like that your mother always loved your brother more, not that you aren't wearing any panties...

Making Stall Talk
At a certain point, a woman starts to believe the only way she'll get rice thrown at her is to start a food fight at a Chinese restaurant...

The Rat Of The Litter
Younger brothers do tend to look up to older brothers, and frankly, this is hard to avoid if one's older brother is always dangling out some married woman's second-floor window...

Ex And The City
You apparently forgot to put the word out to local birds to boycott your ex-wife's bird feeder and order squirrels in the park not to take nuts from her...

Wimp Daddy
If timidity were useful in defending people in danger, police sergeants would announce to their beat cops, "Okay, everybody, go out there and hide in the back seat of your patrol car!"...

Licking For Love
Coyotes lick their paws for good reason -- because there's no waiter to bring them a warm washcloth in a little dish...

Flesh Prince
A woman wants to believe a man when he claims he hates those nasty "gentlemen's clubs." Yeah, the last thing any man wants to see is a totally hot 21-year-old with enormous breasts doing upside-down splits on a pole...

Some Like It Hot Mess
The modern damsel doesn't have to be in distress, but it helps if she at least has a few items not yet crossed off her to-do list. Otherwise, what is there for Superman to do but smoke a bowl and make YouTube videos of the cat riding the Roomba?...

Bad Gratitude
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish for compliments and you annoy the crap out of everyone who knows or encounters him.

Took The Wind Out Of Her Zales
"Why should a man give a woman a useless diamond engagement ring, when he could buy her a nice big potato, which she could at least eat?"

Paradise Lust
"And this is the guy who wanted nothing to do with me kissing me under a jungle waterfall..."

Moody Call
Tell her how wrong you were. (This is basically catnip for women, and whether you were actually wrong about anything is immaterial.)

The Blurt Locker
There are solutions that cause more problems than they solve, like giving your car a car bra...

Happily Ever Asshole
Divorce him? Your husband has his merits, like that both of his kidneys seem to work and he has yet to express an interest in drowning squirrels...

Mild Kingdom
Never mind that "Titanic" is a movie about 1,500 people drowning in the freezing Atlantic Ocean. For some, what matters is "Omigod, did that lady's goldfish die?"

The Butt Stops Here
When you marry a man, it isn't because you're looking to walk off into the sunset all by yourself while he's lying facedown on your living room floor staring at an ant, realizing he totally gets what the ant is thinking...

Mouse Ado About Nothing
I guess when you ask a woman whether she'd like to use the power outlet, she should just come right out and say, "I would, but I don't find you very attractive."

Wait Problems
A first date like theirs raises some questions for the second date, such as, "Who should pay the invoice for the side-by-side burial plots?"...

Golden Pond Scum
It shouldn't come as a surprise that her father still wears the pants in the family (even if he also wears the diapers)...

Soul Mite
Long-term relationships aren't for everyone. You look deep into a woman's eyes and whisper those magical words: "I want to spend the rest of my month with you."

Tease For Two
Interestingly, some who do charitable work, like Salvation Army Santas, somehow manage to accomplish it without first re-engineering their cleavage to graze their jawline...

The Blocked Stallion
A man's body language can tell a woman a lot about his intentions. A series of fist bumps, for example, suggests he wants to have a burping contest...

Social Notworking
Facebook brings a lot of people closer, like the hot women you've gone to the trouble of developing friendships with in real life and your brother, who's gone to the trouble of paying his electric bill and turning on his computer...

Battle Of The Divulge
Your boyfriend probably prefers your brother remember him for the wonderful way he helped your granny and not for how he looks in that photo his friend likes to post -- the one where he's passed out on someone's bathroom floor with a bra draped across his chest and "Princess" written across his face with a Sharpie...

Office Despot
Some people would tell you to sprint to the nearest sexual harassment lawyer's office and sue your employers until they're living out of a dumpster...

Wane Man
There are times a man can't help but disappear on a woman, like when he's kidnapped by revolutionaries who happened to stop off for Slurpees and hostages when he was at 7-Eleven.

Another Brick In The Wallow
You've heard that 80 percent of success is just showing up? Well, the other 20 percent is not acting like you got glued to the toilet seat shortly afterward...

Sum Girls
"I love you more than you love me!" is just the thing to say to a boyfriend -- if you want him to take you in his arms so he can look over your shoulder for your replacement...

Going Code Turkey
It isn't hard for a boyfriend to make a woman happy instead of pissed off for days. He just needs the right answer to "Hey, honey, guess what it means when I put my hair in a ponytail and walk out of the room!"

Taking Out The Trashing
A person should get to know you a little before she learns you're a 300-year-old incubus who poisoned our groundwater and killed your neighbors' dog and made it look like a suicide...

Till Dead End Do Us Part
The fact that a man calls for you to come running isn't necessarily reason to do it, unless you're a golden retriever and he's got a dirty tennis ball to throw you...

Everything Happens For A Raisin
Perhaps he was hoping he could get a girlfriend the way a dog gets food scraps: just wait for a woman to fall on the kitchen floor and then carry her off in his teeth...

When Hurry Met Sally
It would be clear you were in the wrong place if you'd spent the first date brimming with child-loathing: "Kids require a total commitment for 18 years -- or maybe 13, if you can get them to run away as teenagers."

Wail Watching
Tearful girlfriend: If you can't stop the rain, you might just make the best of a bad situation and position your girlfriend over your Slip'N Slide.

Barn Yesterday
How could you not see that you were just another crop to be rotated?

Worm Feelings
The ex who won't go: Nothing says "I never want to speak to you again" like picking up the phone to have yet another conversation about it...

Wuss It Good For Her?
You're the sort of boyfriend who would take her camping and, upon hearing a bear crashing through the woods, tuck a hot dog in her pocket and shove her out of the tent...

Prance Charming
Swagger? The stride itself -- that wide-legged rolling gait -- isn't hard to adopt. Just pop a sleeping gerbil in your underwear...

It's Scold In Here
This woman probably couldn't go out with you anyway, as busy as she must be getting the ignition lock replaced on her broom...

Don't Just Mall A Woman
Too bad the two of you aren't cats, or you could just come by with a dead cricket between your teeth...

Too Mush Too Soon
Gestures of love: When that emperor wanted to memorialize his beloved wife, he built the Taj Mahal, not the Taj Ma lean-to...

Hell No, Kitty
Clothes say a lot about a person, but there are times your shirt or skirt or whatever really needs to shut the hell up...

Mystery Meet
People try to put their best foot forward on dating sites, and rather often, it turns out it's not actually their foot...

Columns

Amy Alkon

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