Advice Goddess Columns

Knight Of The Living Dead
A stressed-out woman wants to talk about her feelings; a stressed-out man wants to gun down 87 slobbering zombies on his phone in hopes that his feelings get bored with him and go away...

Little Photoshop Of Halos
Nostalgia is like crime-scene cleanup for your head: "My, what lovely new tiles. You'd hardly know there was once a triple murder in this kitchen."

Penis On The Half-Shell
Art -- especially abstract art -- says different things to different people. To you, the painting screams, "Ha-ha, I had sex with your girlfriend!" To everyone else, it's probably an expression of a moment -- the one that came seconds after "Outta the way! I had some bad clams!"

Wife In The Fast Lane
It's comforting to believe that somebody has the magical knowledge that can get us to happily ever after. That's why there was a movie called "The Wizard of Oz" and not "The Dishwasher Repairman of Oz."

To Have And To Mold
It's good for a man to have goals, though ideally not one that involves growing a fern out of your comforter.

Fame Fatale
Of course you'll stay in touch with your old friends. You'll have your assistant call them to see whether they'd like to come over and clean out your rain gutters.

No More Mr. Knife Guy
There's that very attractive man you see on a dating site who spends "a lot of time abroad" -- as one must, when primarily employed as a drug mule...

Pippi Bongstocking
What does she do when she isn't visiting you -- attend Mass in a "Lucifer Rules!" T-shirt, pop by the animal rights march in a mink vest, and then park her ice cream truck outside the Jenny Craig meeting?

Lewd Skywalker
As a means of communication, hinting to a man is like having a heartfelt conversation with your salad...

Eau Gag Me
Try to focus on the positive: You find him extremely jumpable whenever he isn't wearing a $185 bottle of what it would smell like if sewage and verbena had a baby...

The Truth About Stats And Dogs
Most people will tell you they want to be accepted for who they really are -- yet those doing online dating rarely post profiles with stuff like "I like long walks on the beach, fine dining, and obscenely large breasts..."

Plenty Of Dead Fish
Asking "Which dating site is best?" is like asking, "Is pro basketball a viable career?" That question can only be answered by asking other questions, such as: "Aren't you a 47-year-old, 5'2" Ashkenazi Jewish woman with 20/80 vision and bad knees?"...

Man On The Flake
Individual bits of behavior are like cockroaches. You might see just one lonely roach twerking atop the toaster oven, but its presence suggests a whole colony of the buggers...gluing sequins to their exoskeletons and practicing their moonwalk behind the baseboard...

Jack And Jilted
You wish him all the best, which is to say you hope a giant scorpion crawls out of the sand and bites his penis...

The Great Wall Of Vagina
Men aren't used to women being preoccupied with their girlparts. Even in Redneckville, you never see a woman hanging a rubber replica of hers off the back of her pickup...

Falling In Leave
For you, breaking up but staying in contact makes a lot of sense -- about the same sort as trying to drop 20 pounds while working as a frosting taster...

Speaking Ill Of The Dud
People will insist that they absolutely want you to be honest with them when they're doing anything stupid -- and then immediately reward you for it by exiling you from Western society to live and herd goats with a Bedouin family...

Mute Emergency
There's a reason the line from that chick flick is "You had me at hello" and not "You had me at 'Those jugs yours?'"

Silicone Valley
Right. Not exactly a first-date question: "So...did you get your boobs from your mom's side of the family or from some doc's Yelp review?"...

My Fawny Valentine
A guy's "I really care about you" makes a woman feel that he's got a real reason for being there with her -- beyond how the neighbor's goat's a surprisingly fast runner...

Sight For Thor Eyes
Like you, I happen to like men who look like their hobbies are chopping down trees and going to war with foreign powers...

Bleachable Moments
It's usually best to keep mum if the number of men is something like "I'm not exactly sure because the census takers keep fainting from exhaustion while they're tallying up my total."

Wedding His Appetite
It's depressing when the only place you're ever "registered" is at the DMV...

Tale Of Whoa
Clearly, your heart's in the right place. However, you might send your mouth on a several-week vacation to a no-talking retreat...

Failure To Lunch
To a guy, "just sex" is enough. You don't have to tell him he's pretty and take him to Yogurtland...

Don Yawn
Ever gotten new carpeting? The first month, it's "No shoes and no drinks whatsoever in the living room!" A few months after that: "Oh, we don't use glasses anymore. Just splash red wine around and drink right off the rug."

Backup To The Future
Consider the male BFF. A woman may not consciously think of hers as her backup man. But should her relationship go kaput, there he is -- perfectly situated to dry her tears. Um, with his penis.

Swarm Fuzzies
Male sexuality is about as sentimental as an oar...

Crazy Belittle Thing Called Love
Ideally, "I've never felt this way before!" reflects something a little more romantic than longing to tunnel out of your relationship with a sharpened spoon.

Caveheart
Taking an introvert to a party can be a challenge. On the other hand, if it's a Fourth of July party, you know where to find him: hiding in the bathtub with the dogs...

Rubbin Hood
His "goofing off" is reminiscent of the "but I was just curious!" web searches that juries hear about -- stuff like "Does arsenic have a flavor?" "How much antifreeze does it take to kill a 226.5-pound man?" and "Who's got the lowest prices on shovels and tarps?"

Jihad Me At Hello
Understandably, if your relationship is patterned on a movie, you'd like it to be "Love Actually," not "Judgment at Nuremberg"...

Greed Between The Lines
Once again, it's Christmas. Ooh, ooh, what's that under the tree?! Once again...it's the floor...

Wussy Galore
Yes, there's actually more to being an ideal partner to a woman than being able to unhook a bra with your teeth...

Insecurity Blanket
One oft-overlooked beauty secret is to avoid constantly giving a guy the idea that you might actually be ugly...

Rebooty And The Beast
Right about now, you've got to be recognizing the unexpected benefits of those gas station attendant shirts with the guy's name sewn onto them...

Loot Conquers All
If gift price is tied to meal price, it seems there should be a sliding scale. Uncle Bob, who'll singlehandedly suck down 16 trays of canapes and drain the open bar, should pony up for that Hermès toaster oven. But then there's Leslie, that raw vegan who only drinks by licking dew off leaves. Whaddya think...can she get by with a garlic press and a handmade hemp card?

Hello Hath No Fury
You'd just like your boyfriend to be more responsive than a gigantic hole. (Yell into the Grand Canyon and you'll get a reply. And it isn't even having sex with you.)

A World Of Blurt
Confessing your crush to your married co-worker is like arranging a transfer to her -- of your 26-pound tumor: "His name is Fred. He enjoys fine wine, banned preservatives, and cigarette smoke. I hope you're very happy together!"...

Pleaser Burn
Over and over, you hear the same thing -- basically, "Sorry...we have to turn down your application for CEO, but we'd love to have you as our parking attendant"...

"How Do I Love Three?"
There's no fun like mandated fun. What's next, holding him at gunpoint and demanding that he enjoy miniature golf?

Born Jesterday
Using a pre-printed card to hit on the ladies makes a powerful statement: "I'm looking for a kind woman to nurse me back to masculinity"...

Meet Joe Blacklist
There's doing the right thing, and then there's doing the right thing for the right reasons. Ideally, you refrain from shoplifting because it's wrong to steal, not because they show videos of shoplifters on the news sometimes and your nose always looks so big on security camera footage...

A Ruse Is A Ruse Is A Ruse
Having regular dinners with somebody doesn't mean you're dating. I have dinner with my TV several nights a week, but that doesn't mean I should get "Samsung forever!" tattooed on my special place...

Hyde And Seek
Okay, so you sometimes daydreamed about your naked ex and the things you'd like to do to him -- like painting him all over with maple syrup and throwing him into a pit of starving fire ants...

Stare Trek
Yes, of course your insecurities are the real issue here. Because what woman wouldn't feel great when her boyfriend's all "Whoa, boobs are out tonight!"?

Splendor In The Gracias
Sometimes the thing we tell ourselves is love is really "the thing I got into because I was scared I'd die alone -- surrounded by empty single-serving zinfandel bottles -- and get discovered 10 years later, mummified, on my couch"...

You Deserve A Breakup Today
Ideally, "till death do us part" doesn't lead to daydreams involving a shovel and a tarp...

Savings And Alone
Candlelight all over your apartment is really romantic -- unless you're using it because they've cut your power off again...

Man Overbored
There comes an age when other children's parents shouldn't have to hire monkeys and birthday clowns...

Get Off My Yawn!
So, you just want the security of marriage with all the excitement of dating somebody new -- which is kind of like wanting a latex hood and ball gag that are also a comfy old pair of slippers...

Wishful Sinking
It's nice to hope for the best about people -- but still put a note, "tofu-kelp casserole," on that foil-wrapped plate of brownies you stuck in the break room refrigerator...

Flee Willy
There are two ways to solve this problem. One is to say, "Hey, I'd really like you to stay the night." The other is to hide his shoes and keys....

Gimme Sum Of Your Luvin'
It is kind of depressing if the last time you screamed in bed was two months ago when your husband rolled over in his sleep and elbowed you in the eye...

Is It Something I Wed?
Consider that in most areas of life, when you're making a colossal mistake, nobody is all, "Hey, how about a coronation-style party, a Caribbean cruise, and a brand-new blender?"

Expiration Dating
Not everybody likes to spoon after sex. You like to slip out of the house without being noticed.

Meme Streets
Sending a mass email is a great way to get some piece of information out to everybody -- from your best friend to 1.4 million people on Twitter to three random drunk dudes who really shouldn't be on their phones at their boss's funeral in Estonia...

Thinking From The Right Side Of The Crotch
When you're deciding how to invest your life savings, you probably don't say, "I'll just take a moment to ask my penis"...

Wood I Lie To You?
Back in seventh grade, erections were easy to get -- especially when you were standing in front of the class giving your oral report on Harriet Tubman...

Flaccid Trip
When I was 13, I could read a book from across the room. These days, it's sometimes hard to make out the words on those ginormous highway signs unless I let my Leader Dog take the wheel...

Sleeping Booty
There are some wonderful committed relationships that started off with "I want to spend the rest of my boner with you!"

You Had Meh At Hello
Okay, so you feel sex isn't all that important to you now. Good to know...but not quite the same as donating a treasured artifact to the natural history museum -- with a plaque: "Harpoon for display purposes only."

Rump For Joy
Welcome to the science-inspired catcall: "Woooo, girl...you look like a nuclear physicist in them hot pants!"...

Present Tense
Unfortunately, you can't just tell her that your relationship was "a gift from God." So was the plague of locusts...

Poor Your Heart Out
It probably hasn't escaped her that you sometimes prepare for dates by visiting the Coinstar machine...

Do No Harem
A man can love you to pieces and count his blessings every day you two are together -- and it won't stop him from wanting to see your sister bend over...

Censor And Sensibility
When you ask your boyfriend to talk dirty to you, you shouldn't need to specify, "Except at my grandma's wake."

Tulle Time
Picture a zookeeper coming in in the morning and going, "Crap -- we've got a new giraffe. How did he get in here?"...

In Thickness And In Health
It's something of an attraction killer when you look deep into a woman's eyes -- and feel pretty sure you can see clear out the back of her head...

Knight Shift
Suddenly, he's shoving you out of the way to get to the lifeboat -- yelling back, "Babe, you'll be fine! You were on the swim team!"

Make Vroom For Daddy
Your expectations about how easy it should be to find new love aren't just unrealistic; they're unrealistic by fairy-tale standards. It's "Someday, my prince will come," not "Get crowd control over here pronto for the mob of handsome, fabulous royals who will soon be gathering on my front lawn..."

Mothership Of Fools
Strange how nobody ever manages to shoot video when there's an alien spaceship in the vicinity -- perhaps because they're too busy recording that guy, two traffic lanes over, who's picking his nose...

Tour Of Doody
When men say they "love surprises," they mean the sort involving an impromptu striptease, not where you wait till the sixth date to tell them that, no, that child seat actually isn't for your terrier...

Burt And Urnie
It's always exciting to see a man rebound after a serious setback -- except when you're the new guy in his widow's life and the setback is that he was cremated three years ago.

The Shrining
Endlessly replaying the memories of how perfect your ex was is a great idea -- if you're looking to grow old with a tube sock and a vat of lotion.

The Eager Has Landed
Consider the fine-French-restaurant approach. Before the first course is served, the chef will sometimes send you out a tiny, delectable palate teaser, called an "amuse-bouche" (mouth amuser) -- as opposed to sending out two burly waiters to hold you down and force-feed you a vat of stew. (What's French for "fatten you up for the kill"?)

Eat Should And Die
Your advice -- that "Torn" should just flip the bird at all of her boyfriend's detractors -- is the perfect solution for any woman who has a number of smelly, unsightly friends and family members cluttering up her life. I offer a similar redo of decluttering queen Marie "KonMari" Kondo's advice that we should go through all our stuff and see what brings joy. Yawn. The AlkonMari method: "Strike a match and run"...

Invasion Of The Biography Snatchers
There she is crying, and you're rubbing her back, all "Baby, that's terrible." And then you duck out of the room and dictate everything you can remember into your phone...

Talk Dirt-Cheap To Me
Your husband comes into the living room, and there you are -- sitting on the floor with a Starbucks cup and a cardboard sign that says, "Anything helps. God bless"...

Leaf Him Alone!
Pot does open your boyfriend's mind -- to a four-hour rumination on the meaning of burritos...

Wealth Care Crisis
The way you see it, your friend found that mythical leprechaun with the pot of private jets and beachfront property -- and she was all, "Too short! Too green! NEXT!"

Plenty Of Fishing
I'm sure it's exhausting doing the daily "Hi, gorgeous!" skywriting and cleaning up after the rented elephant that pulls the "You're beautiful, baby!" billboard...

A Mile In Somebody Else's Choose
The gazelle doesn't wake up one day, decide it's time for a change, and give the sleeping cougar a kick with its hoof: "Run for your life, you big ugly feline!" The cougar turns around, confused: "What are you doing, man? Haven't you ever seen National Geographic?"

When Push Comes To Love
If a relationship leads to an outpouring of feelings, a man tends to prefer "You're the love of my life!" to "Screw you! You're not my real dad!"

Thinking Outside The Boobs
We all appreciate a nice view, but your eyes might be lingering a bit long in the wrong places if you hear stuff like "Sir...are you ready for my areolas to take your order?"

The Son Also Plagiarizes
Understandably, you want a man's lovey-dovey talk to come from the heart, not from a Word doc he saved on his hard drive...

Loaf, Actually
There are people who chase their dreams, and there are those -- like your boyfriend -- who just chillax on the couch, smoking a doob, waiting for their dreams to be in the neighborhood and maybe knock on the door.

Casualties Of War Paint
Guys, sorry, but cat-eye liquid eyeliner does not appear naturally on the female eye in the wild...

Buddy Surfing
Trying to turn an FWB thing into a relationship can be like trying to return a shirt. One you've worn. For a while. You march straight up to the counter and lay the thing out. The guy at the register frowns: "Ma'am, Macy's closed six years ago. This is Chipotle now."

Aisle Always Love You
There's being cuddly at the supermarket, and then there's being cuddly in a way that says, "We usually do this with whipped cream"...

Florist Gump
It is a little crazy that when you love a woman, you're supposed to express it with a handful of useless weeds -- that is, "Say it with flowers" and not something nice and practical, a la "Say it with a repeating stapler"...

Duck Face The Nation
Sure, getting other people to like you starts with liking yourself -- just not to the point where you're dozing off in front of the mirror...

Dr. Filler
The really terrible breakups are those where the other party just won't let go -- like when the gym chain or cable company makes you talk with three "retention specialists" and show the lease to your new place 6,343 miles away, with no access to transportation but a rickety footbridge over a 400-foot chasm.

Shaggedy Ann
No, "Sex and the City's" Samantha isn't a completely fictional character in how, after sex, she brushes men off herself like large, penis-equipped crumbs...

Casual Coroner
Your boyfriend's asking you to sometimes wear a dress for him, not hold out your wrist so he can chain you to the pipe in the basement with the six other sister wives...

The Truth About Catfish And Dogs
Guy, in online dating profile: "I'm 55!" Guy's neck, when you meet for coffee: "I was a war hero. In the Peloponnesian War."

Look On The Always-Right Side
Why not take this to the next level and get an inflatable girlfriend? You wouldn't need to feed her, and you could save big on travel if you'd just let the air out of her, fold her up, and stuff her in your carry-on.

Height Crime
Women like things that are tiny and cute, so it's been kind of a trend to go around with a little dog poking out of your purse. Sadly, dressing your itsy-bitsy boyfriend in a sailor shirt and sunglasses and tossing him in your handbag has yet to catch on...

Crazy Cad Lady
Aww, and there he is whispering sweet nothings in your ear: "Just leave your coat on. This won't take long"...

Meet Joe Blackboard
When somebody at a cocktail party asks the guy "What do you do?" his answer isn't supposed to be "My former students"...

People Who Needle People
Yesterday, on the phone with my boyfriend, I had to ask him to repeat something he'd just said because I'd become briefly mesmerized by a big fern shimmying in the breeze. No, sadly, I wasn't all "Sorry, I missed that bit because my couch caught fire." The man was competing for my attention with a plant...

Splendor In The Crash
A guy likes to have a way to buy his woman dinner that doesn't involve a ski mask and a sawed-off shotgun...

Stray It Forward
There are many people who cross ethical lines at work, but most of them just do it by taking home Post-its or a stapler...

Tender Bender
It's hot to have a husband who's kind of an animal in bed -- except if that animal is Hello Kitty...

Skinny Genes
There's that saying, "You are what you eat." Apparently, your girlfriend ate a supermodel.

Fasten Your Deceit Belt
Welcome to Moral High Ground, population: you. Wow, so that's your real weight on your driver's license?

Your Place Aura Mine?
Yes, "people can be different and still be together." In one case, headphones made this possible -- for a sweet guy who cheers up by listening to death metal but fell in love with a woman whose favorite music video scene has the von Trapp children skipping around the Swiss Alps in drapes...

The Gift Of Blab
Being compatible with somebody doesn't mean you're like them in all ways. I'm an extrovert, which is to say I see a dead car battery as an opportunity to learn about some tow truck driver's childhood in Guatemala. Contrast that with my introvert boyfriend, who recently turned down an invitation he got to this really cool event, telling me, "I already said hello to somebody this week"...

Last Year's Shaggage
The guy didn't even give you a birthday card. Even the car wash gives you a birthday card.

Unzipping Your Genes
If women truly prioritized men's looks like you say, Victoria's Secret would be raking in the bucks with a companion chain of sexy undies stores for men. However, Victor's Secret, if any, remains pretty simple: "Turn 'em inside out and you can wear 'em another day"...

Someday, Her Prince Will Run
My dad loves quoting that FDR line, "The only thing you have to fear is fear itself." Sorry, Pops, but that's ridiculous. There are things to fear in life. A couple of examples that spring to mind: Being in immediate need of lifesaving surgery and waking up to your drunken neighbor operating on you with salad utensils and a steak knife...

Wow Or Never
Can you "make a go" of this relationship? Of course you can! Before you know it, you'll be booking one of those romantic weekend getaway packages to try to rekindle that magical indifference you felt at the start.

Canine And A Half Weeks
She doesn't trust them down there in the spare room? What will they do, get on the landline and make prank calls to Taiwan?

Ugly Batty
There are events in life that are totally unexpected, like getting sucked up by a big vacuum hose into a passing alien spaceship. If you're the one who ends up under the probe, we don't get to go all accusey on you, like, "You...went out to the mailbox on a Saturday afternoon?! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!!"

You're The None For Me
Like many men, you're looking to emulate something you saw in porn -- only it's the coffee table in the background...

The Litter Prince
That used Q-tip is only a collectible if he used to be Elvis.

Irreconcilable Indifferences
She's really looking forward to your dates -- the way a cow looks forward to a personal tour of the slaughterhouse.

Fresh Prince Of Bel-Stare
Like the "g" in "gnarly-ass dickhead," the "Whoa...wouldya look at the Humpty Dumplings on her!" is supposed to be silent...

For Whom The Belle Tolls
There's a reason that the Miss World pageant lacks a mathematics category...

The Bleh Lagoon
Surely, you wouldn't find the bunny-hugging vegan "shallow" for not being up for the long haul with the guy who electrocutes the cows...

Glue In The Dark
Sadly, our genes have not been introduced to Gloria Steinem...

All In A Day's Jerk
Workers' comp covers many on-the-job accidents -- but unfortunately not the kind where a married man slips and falls into his co-worker's vagina...

Trading What's-His-Faces
It's like when you pour orange juice on your cereal instead of milk, which surely only happens because you've been having sex dreams about fruit salad...

What You Seethe Is What You Get
When the cops come to the door, it usually isn't to say, "Your neighbors called and said they heard you loving each other really loudly."

Free (Scared) Willy
A classic car that's been garaged for the winter can also be hard to start, but that probably isn't a sign that you need to lose a few pounds and sex up the undies...

Are We Having Funding Yet?
Even if your most recent rejection letter from a credit card company starts "Nice try, butthead" (a refreshing change from their usual "You've gotta be fucking kidding"), all is not bleak...

The Mummy's Cursor
Who says men aren't emotional? "I don't wanna talk about it!" is an emotion...

Hush To Judgment
Your boyfriend doesn't post what he had for lunch -- and probably not because he's embarrassed to be seen with his sandwich or he's looking to cheat on it with a plate of spaghetti...

Slight Of Hand
Assuming your boyfriend isn't 11, "do u have any openings?" isn't a sex question.

Amazing Graze
Marriage vows are annoyingly comprehensive. Take that "Forsaking all others..." thing. Do they really mean "allll others"? Even that hot guy in board shorts in Spin class?

We'll Always Have Parasite
Welcome to the bottomless hole of wrongheaded empathy -- the daddy guilt version of that "bottomless cup of coffee" that (if you ask politely) the Denny's waitress will keep refilling until you finally die in the booth...

Papa's Got A Brand New Hag
Of course it's what's on the inside that really counts, which is why men's magazines so often run glossy spreads of stout, good-hearted older women crocheting afghans for nursing home patients...

When The Gooing Gets Tough
There are a lot of ways a man can show that he loves you. Does it really have to be "Hold on, guys, while I give my balls to my girlfriend!"?

Hi, Money, I'm Home!
There are a lot of things Martin Scorsese has been known to say, but one of them is not, "I want you by my side at this festival, and I only have to dig through the trash for 8,234 more cans to make that happen"...

Nice Boning Structure
It says something when a man notices a nice view -- like that it's only a matter of time before he and that pretty orange sunset are sneaking out to his car to have sex...

Having The Time Of Someone Else's Wife
There are clues to where on the divorce spectrum someone falls, like whether she makes offhand remarks along the lines of "I wish him well, but we weren't a good match" or "I wish I could leave him tied up in a clearing so something would eat him"...

The Frenzy Zone
Ideally, you'll make a guy ache with longing -- but more along the lines of "I wish she'd text me back" than "I wish she'd put down those binoculars and get out of my bushes"...

See Ya Later, Calculator
Aww, a relationship with an accounts receivable department...

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Calm
Rarely do you hear someone say, "So, I ran the issue by my therapist, made a list of pros and cons, meditated on it...and then went out and put a bat through the guy's windshield"...

Shrug, Actually
Once you've been together for a while, you may still have vivid fantasies running through your head during sex, like the one where you get to the dry cleaner's before closing time...

Really Old Men In The Hood
Since older women often end up dating much-older men, this leads to the question, what's the profile of the elderly bad boy? Cheating at bingo? Swearing on the golf course? Shotgunning Ensure?

Fifty Shades Of Wait
In real life, we call this felony rape. In romance novels, when the guy is uber-rich and cruelly handsome, it's the start of a beautiful relationship...

The Silent Scram
Why take 45 seconds to text a girl that it's over when you can make her obsess about you for two months straight, stalk you on Instagram, and bore her friends catatonic with "Is his phone broken? Is my phone broken? Did he see that drunken Facebook post? Should I have waxed my moustache?"...

Inaction Figure
Unfortunately, drooling while napping is not considered a form of multitasking...

Mr. Swipe Right
Tinder takes all the wait and effort out of speed dating.

Shirknado
Unfortunately, it isn't possible to outsource your relationship to some guy in the Philippines: "Please stay on the line. Your feelings are very important to us..."

Mr. Throng
It isn't exactly a shocker that the thing you want to be asking your boyfriend when he comes home is not "Hey, cuddlebug, how was your booty call?"

Hug Hefner
Aw...how sweet...cuddling that comes with a trap door to the sex dungeon!

Ben Hurry
Sex can sometimes be confusing, but timewise, it shouldn't leave you wondering whether you've been having it or poaching an egg...

Look Before You Keep
It's easy to go straight to all the worst reasons for why he won't call you his girlfriend, like that it would seem disloyal to that secret wife he has stashed away in the suburbs...

Shove Hurts
Is your dating coach 8 years old? Because "I refuse to speak to you till you propose!" is a (slightly) more adult version of "I'm holding my breath till you buy me that Barbie!"

Atone Deaf
"I'm sorry you feel that way" is the Dollar Tree version of an apology. Sure, it has the words "I'm sorry" and the package seems kind of familiar, but it ultimately goes down like expired SpaghettiOs from Czechoslovakia.

Livid And Let Livid
Nothing like screaming obscenities into somebody's face to get them to respond, "Gosh, I forgot how much I love you. And I really want to make all of those changes in myself"...

The Speaky Wheel
It may not come naturally to you to effuse, but civilization is all about doing what doesn't come naturally. Note that chimps in the wild are rarely observed wearing shoes, ties, and cuff links...

When Harry Bent Sally Over The Hood Of The Car
There's a saying, "A true friend accepts who you are and helps you become who you can be" -- for example, a person who's naked in her true friend's bed, feeling really guilty about cheating on her boyfriend.

Dupe Dreams
Say you like camping. A woman who likes you claims she likes camping, too, perhaps believing that she could like camping -- not quite connecting it with everything she absolutely hates, like peeing in a hole and bugs that don't come in pink resin with a matching choker...

A Man Walks Into A Barnacle
You need "time to yourself"? Great. She can do that. Just call her when you're ready. No, not on the phone. She'll be out on your porch in her sleeping bag...

The Endear Hunter
There are times when only your actual name will do -- because the alternative is "Hey, Magic Penis, I'm over here...aisle 4!"

It's Always Darkest After The Spawn
Getting married is supposed to be something you do when you find the right person, not whichever person happens to be right next to you when the clock above your ovaries strikes "HolyshitWe're30!"...

Living Repurposefully
It can be a little touchy for all involved when everybody's answer to "Where have you been all my life?" is "Having sex with your friend"...

Going Scold Turkey
It's really smart to "take 10" when you're angry -- and not just because it takes that long to get the gasoline, pour it all over your boyfriend's Xbox, and light it on fire...

Paradise Bossed
Pick one -- having a relationship or ruling the world's tiniest totalitarian state...

Dust In The Lust
Women aren't going to psychics and asking, "Tell me, Madam Sasha...will he have recreational sex with me? I NEED TO KNOWWW!"

Blareway To Heaven
Sometimes the naked truth needs a back wax before it gets presented to anyone...

Sweeping Beauty
It was so much easier when we only wore fig leaves and you could just rake next to the bed...

Minnie Mouth
Him: "I think I have psoriasis on my penis." You, picking up your phone to text: "Ohh...that's terr--...can you spell that for me?"

The Gospel Of Lukewarm
In situations like this, "absence" would be more useful if, instead of making the heart "grow fonder," it made the heart grow little legs and trot off to a bar to chat up somebody new...

Lip Bomb
It's great to have your girlfriend's kisses kick off a fantasy in your head, but not that you're playing spin the bottle with a camel...

Fawn Juan
Gushing over a woman right out of the gate -- "Wow...you have skin!" -- tends to give a man all the rough-hewn sex appeal of a Care Bear...

Stare Wars
Okay, so your girlfriend's idea of something sexy to wear in bed is a Richard Nixon mask with the eyeholes taped over...

The Hurt And Confused Locker
Sure, according to Pat Benatar, "love is a battlefield." But spending three months fighting with a sociopathic boyfriend doesn't leave you ducking for cover whenever a car backfires like a guy who did three tours of IED disposal in Iraq and came home with most of the parts he went in with...

The Alone Ranger
Just like women, men often verbalize complex emotions -- for example, "I want sausage AND pepperoni on that"...

Waking Up Rusted
Sometimes a person's need feel to safe and loved has to be forgone for the other person's need to not be an Oxy-addicted hunchback at 45...

High, I Think I Love You
What (love at) "first-sighters" actually have is not the enduring love poets write about but the kind animal behaviorists do -- when the boy baboon spots the girl baboon's big red booty...

Toad Rage
Men you've dated briefly will sometimes resurface -- much like bloated dead bodies in New York's East River...

Photo-Bomb Scare
Welcome to the place relationship dreams go to die, also known as social media...

As Duck Would Have It
If your boyfriend wanted to kiss something inflated, he'd make out with his tires...

Hurl, Interrupted
Psychoanalyst Erich Fromm wrote that mature love is "I need you because I love you." Rather different from "I need you because I don't want to be living in a packing crate when I'm 50"...

Grope Springs Eternal
For a woman, finding somebody to have sex with is about as hard as finding an Indian guy running a 7-Eleven...

Wed Blanket
Nothing says "I want to make mad, passionate love to you" like a referral to a skilled and honest auto mechanic...

A Brief History Of Slime
When somebody just can't let go after a relationship, you don't expect it to be your married boyfriend's wife...

Do I Look Infatuated In This?
Ah, yes...your love is like a summer's day -- if a summer's day chased its lemonade with two Red Bulls and a five-shot latte...

Growing Mold Together
No need to pull out the hose if there's no fire...

Nappily Ever After
So what did he do before you moved in, just chain her to the radiator while he took a snooze?

Grisly Bare
They'll hand you a paper gown at the doctor's office, but that's because you're probably speaking to the intake nurse for the first or second time; you didn't stay up till 4 a.m. riding her like a pony...

Getting More Exorcise
Nothing says "I'm over you" like a Saturday night text blitz of hate and real estate...

Wait Lifting
Try to think of this as artisanal dating. Maybe he's finished building the bed out of antique Popsicle sticks but his carpal tunnel kicked in while he was killing the flock of ducks for the mattress or spinning the cotton for the sheets...

Wuthering Fights
If you really want to see what a person's made of, after goading them into a fight, you might do a lung capacity test, like by holding them down and trying to drown them in a bathtub...

You Luddite Up My Life
We get it: You spend an entire day making a small but very accurate Voodoo doll of him and then have to dispose of it when he finally texts back.

Generation Text
Spoken-word telephone conversation does have its merits, like how you're unlikely to find yourself asking your grandma to send you a better photo of her penis...

Gone Juan
There's playing hard to get, and then there's being impossible to locate...

Err Of Mystery
It's good to keep a woman guessing a little, but not, "Am I on a date, or is this guy trying to enroll me in a pyramid scheme?"

A Force To Be Reckoned Whiff
If a grown man who wears one of these things says something like "Let me slip into something more comfortable," you've got to think, "What, the womb?"...

Fifty Shades Of Nay
Not feeling the "chemistry" is polite code for "I'm not physically attracted to you" (or, in really dire cases, "I'd chew through rope to avoid having sex with you")...

Lord Of The Ringer
Okay then. You'll just be having a nice big scoop of "What Comes Around Goes Around." Cup or cone? Nuts? Sprinkles?

Braggedy Andy
There's being open and honest, and then there's bragging about your sexual options, which is the mark of a mantoddler: "Mommy, Mommy, look at the sex fort I'm making!"...

Sleepless In Fallujah
Sex can be a form of peacekeeping, since your girlfriend can't be screaming that you loaded the dishwasher wrong if she's screaming, "OHGOD!OHGOD!OHGOD!"

Hat Crime
Introducing your boyfriend to your plastic shower hat? Easy: "Hi, meet the end of your erections"...

Mourning Breath
The reality is, you're the envy of a number of people -- like those who ran up $80,000 in legal fees battling for joint custody of the suede sectional and are now working as a manservant for their divorce lawyer while living in a tent in his backyard...

Jerk du Soleil
A friend who cares about you wouldn't knowingly put you together with jerks -- which would be like recommending a prospective tenant to his landlord with "He just wants a quiet, safe place..." and neglecting to mention "...where he can pursue his hobby of balcony chicken farming"...

Requiem For A Scream
There are a number of reasons women fake orgasms, like that the guy is taking FOREVER. The woman's thinking, "What is this, the slow train to Siberia? No, the bus. The slow bus. Over the back roads. With a day trip to Latvia. Hey, driver! This is my stop. Stop the bus, please! I know...maybe this'll work": "Aahhhh-aaaaah-AAAAAAAH!"...

Flee Market Capitalism
Men, like all of us, are most attracted to what's somewhat out of reach. Had Rapunzel been sitting behind an unlocked window on the first floor, she would have been just another chick with a hairbrush.

Emotion Sickness
There are times you may want to tell a woman to calm down, like when you lack live electrical wire to chew on or are curious as to how the nurses would react if you walked into the ER with your head under your arm...

Crowd Mary
An extrovert hurries to join in all the fun, as opposed to an introvert like my boyfriend, who, upon arriving at a party, will ask: "Do we really have to go inside?"

Grin Acres
Of course the girls in fashion magazines are scowling. They're in wildly uncomfortable shoes, and they haven't had a hamburger since childhood...

Beyond Thunderdomes
Stopping her would be easier if you two were guys: "I don't like the way you're talking about my boobs, Marjorie. Let's take this outside"...

Tinder Mercies
You can learn a lot about a woman on the first date -- like that she still hasn't worked out her drinking problem and that she doesn't always like to wear panties...

Dork Matter
He's looking forward to watching you sleep -- from the third-floor apartment across the way, with a set of high-powered binoculars.

Break Room With A View
Though life partners sometimes start as co-workers, it's generally best to score hookup partners from the larger population pool -- men whom you might occasionally run into at the grocery store, as opposed to every 45 minutes in the coffee room...

Owe, Baby, Baby
Some personal financial crises are caused by unexpected events, and others simply by how one answers certain basic questions, such as "Hmm, get waxed or continue living with electricity?" or "I can't decide: New brakes or traffic-stopping hair?"

Rise And Spine
They've translated the Dead Sea Scrolls, and it turns out they're actually a 900-page list of everything this "friend" has ever done for your fiance...

To Boldly No Where No No Has Gone Before
There's little that tempers a man's enthusiasm for a late-night shag like responding to his "want 2 hook up?" by texting back, "YES! i'm ovulating & dying 2 have a baby!"...

The File High Club
If there's a next logical step after late-night office sexytime, it probably isn't "Now that we're done despoiling the conference table, let's go meet each other's parents!"...

Feral Hugs
Casual sex, like grain alcohol and ladies' clingy knitwear, isn't for everyone...

The Shoo Must Go On
Is there some crater somewhere where all his promises go to die?...

Socks And The City
In the sock department, as in other areas, it's the nuances that count. So, go ahead and make a statement -- but maybe one that stops short of "I'm really a Japanese schoolgirl!"...

Smells Like Bean Spirit
"Audible" is an audiobook producer; it shouldn't describe your girlfriend's butt...

Meet Joe Blank
Unfortunately, men tend to do poorly at hint-taking. So, no, you can't just stand next to the kitchen table in your cute new skirt after laying out Doritos in the shape of a question mark...

All The Single M'ladies
Especially if you're under 30, expecting a man to open a door for you can be a bit like expecting him to remove his cape and lay it across a puddle or challenge your neighbor to a duel for blocking your driveway with his trash cans...

Hitting Rocker Bottom
What a sweet person you are, trying to show this guy that there's more to life than Tinder-swiping his way to empty sex with a bunch of near strangers -- or, as he probably refers to it, sexual Disneyland...

Eat, Pray You'll Shut Up, Love
If you were any more open, you'd have squatters and roosters...

Toad Rash
Nothing like tearing off all your clothes on the first date to say "I want to take it slowly." (Your words said no, but your thighs had a marching band and a banner: "Welcome Home, Big Guy!")

Shake It Till You Make It
Apparently, this last woman you dated is so used to wearing her heart on her sleeve that she failed to notice that most of it broke off (and is maybe still lying there with her driver's-side mirror at the Burger King drive-thru)...

Malice In Wonderland
Where is the very small, highly targeted zombie apocalypse when you need it?

Two Brokeback Girls
Why not just say it right out: "There's the closet. Could you please sit in there for a half-hour and come out ready to leave your husband?"

Flee Circus
It's good to make an effort to see what a man's made of -- just not to the point where he's unsure of whether he's in a relationship with you or he got really drunk and enlisted in the Marines...

Wane Of Terror
Even milk and meat have the courtesy to let you know when they're expiring...

Baby Got Backpack
On a first date, a woman should be getting to know you, not getting to know how much you can put on your MasterCard before the waiter comes over with a big pair of scissors...

Eyes That Light Up A Womb
Saying you won't have kids for "moral reasons" sounds better than my reasons: I find them loud, sticky, and expensive...

Sociopath Of Least Resistence
Considering that your girlfriend probably feels cruelly abandoned whenever you stop talking long enough to sneeze...

Dear In The Headlights
Yeah, of course she enjoys seeing birds in formation -- in valu-paks at the grocery store...

The Taming Of The Spew
Unfortunately, it's the rare man who has a mind-reading helmet, and even if this one does, there's a good chance it's in the back of his closet under a pile of socks containing semen specimens from the mid-'90s...

Wait Management
How long should you wait? Well, that depends on whether you're hoping to go on your first date with him in a flying car...

Hope Fiend
Even serial killers sometimes go dormant. This shouldn't be taken as a sign that they've grown weary of cutting up the neighbors and storing them in Ziploc bags in their freezer...

Boys Will Be Decoys
If you're going to turn men into emotional support knickknacks, why not go all the way? Cut their hearts out and stick them in Mason jars with cute labels written in glitter pen.

The Wicked Witch Of The Westin
It's great to find a woman who laughs at your wit, but not when she sounds like she'll follow up with "I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!"

Edgar Allan Repo
Here's a guy who will have your back -- getting smaller and smaller in his rearview mirror at the first sign of a serious problem, such as a bad hangnail...

Beak Experience
The fact that you have a thought is not reason enough to let it out to roam the streets, exposing itself to the ladies...

Dr. Jekyll And Mr. Hyde The Salami
No guy wants to think about all the ghosts of penis past...

Stay-At-Home Martyr
Kids these days grow up so fast. Before you know it, they're 50 and back home doing bong hits in the basement...

Between The Spreadsheets
It's a bit of a disconnect to get the office hello from a guy who, just the night before, was undressing you with his teeth...

Rant's Tomb
On a date, you should merely be splashing your personality around, tempted as you may be to hold a guy down and try to drown him in it...

Merchant Of Vroom
When you're on a first date and you'd like there to be a second date, it's okay to leave a little lipstick on the rim of the glass. Your face should not end up smeared across the guy's pillow...

Playing With Mismatches
She sees the two of you getting old together. You see the two of you getting together for sex on Friday...

Seismic Matters
A guy will generally appreciate a woman who's kind of a wild thing in bed -- just not when he jolts awake to call Animal Control to show up with nets and a tranquilizer gun...

Urning Curve
If you're putting on some skimpy somethings to get your boyfriend in the right mindset in bed, ideally, they aren't three strategically located "Hello, My Name Is..." stickers...

Demotion Sickness
This guy's notion of how a breakup should work is like telling an employee, "Hey, you're fired, but please feel free to come in a few times a week and do some light janitorial work."

Leave Story
When a man disappears on you after a great first date, it's natural to search your mind for the most plausible explanation -- that is, whichever one doesn't shred your ego and feed it to your fish...

Pal Rider
There is safety in having been friends with a person for a while, like how you can be reasonably sure that when he says "Here, let me help you into the car," it won't be the trunk...

You've Got Bail
When you date a "bad boy," there are always adjustments to be made, like getting adjusted to how he's sleeping with three of your friends...

Man Of Squeal
Having sex with a woman isn't like the moon landing. There's really no need to put the word out about who got there first...

All Of Meh
There's no such thing as a one-night friendship, and for good reason -- because friendship is based on trust, fondness, and mutual respect, not on how the other person's butt fills out a pair of pants.

I Would Dye For You
Sure, a romantic partner can go too far in making appearance-related requests, like by asking you to have a new set of breasts bolted on or to wear a ski mask to the liquor store...

You Delete Me
"I'm sure that reptilian hissing is nothing, but I'll just rub my large breasts with raw hamburger and go down there with this flickering flashlight to check"...

Leave Of Absinthe
My boyfriend, whose favorite self-help book is "The Godfather," had this helpful suggestion: "Hire a hit man and have the guy clipped"...

The Company You Keep Away
There are times it makes sense to chase a man, like if he's wearing Lycra knickers and making a dash for the end zone or he's just run out of your house with your TV...

Lawn And Order
Word has it that the Brazilian wax is out; pubic hair is back. This may be so -- but not under your boyfriend's chin...

American Idle
There comes a point in the day of a brainy person when she's about a half step from being entertained by cat toys...

Jurassic Spark
Meet Mrs. Robinson -- crossed with Henny Youngman: "Waiter, a glass of chardonnay for me and a box of crayons for my date"...

Belittle Richard
At the very least, you need to ask "Would it be okay if I told you what I learned while in the grammar police?" before diagramming somebody's sentence on the restaurant wall...

Skirt Stake
When you're looking for a relationship, it's okay to arrive at dates dressed like you just got off work -- providing you don't look like the vice president of jumping out of cakes in not much more than body glitter...

Moby Dickhead
Your boyfriend's just lucky nobody's suspected he's lying about what he's read and tried to trip him up -- maybe with "It's like Heathcliff wandering the moors searching for Cathy after she was abducted by aliens!" or "What a relief when Romeo rushed Juliet to the hospital and they pumped her stomach!"...

Getting Their Clause Into Him
There's a certain kind of woman who can get away with giving a man a list of "undesirables" he cannot associate with -- a woman whose job also involves knocking on his door at random to make him pee in a cup...

Scoot Force
If you aren't European or a hipster married to another hipster, it's a little dismaying when your husband's new ride looks like it came in a pink package marked "Barbie doll sold separately."

The Awful Poof
This friend's notion of what you owe somebody after the first date verges on expecting you to march up to strangers in the supermarket and announce, "I've decided that I'm just not that into you"...

Along Came Polygraph
A guy also needs time to goof off and be a person -- to cut out some night to hang with a friend at a party or just sit in his underwear and stare at the UPC label on a can of beer...

Shrieking Beauty
Your wife is one of the few karaoke singers who manages to surprise the audience -- making people turn around to see whether someone's singing "Blackbird" or being pecked to death by one...

Scold Rush
Sometimes, directness is best. Like if you're an air traffic controller. What's important is not that you make the pilot feel supported in his life goals but that he brings the plane to a stop on the runway instead of in some lady's pool...

Zero Dark Flirty
Guys also say "Hello, beautiful!" to the 200-year-old grocery store cashier, and probably not because they're angling for her to send a selfie of how she looks without her compression hose...

The Agony Of Delete
Once you have a relationship with a person, you owe it to them to sit down with them and tell them it's over; you don't get to shove your dirty work off on their phone, their computer, or their vacuum cleaner...

Louvre, Actually
What kind of gift were you thinking of giving her -- the duct tape you'd use to strap her to a chair in your den?

Knight Terrors
True strength involves being confident that you can walk tall but sometimes being okay with curling up in a fetal position tall...

You've Got Tail
People usually want the howling and scratching to come after the date...

Will Onesies Never Cease?
A lot of people use Facebook to announce their accomplishments: "I became CEO of the company!" "I got into Juilliard!" And then there's your friend: "We had sex without birth control, and look at what happened!"

Take A Toad Off
People who say you shouldn't judge a book by its cover won't be ending their Saturday night dodging the book's make-out attempts on their front porch...

Fasten Your Bible Belt
It's Jesus' birthday, but seeing as you guys aren't that close, you figured he wouldn't mind if you skipped it...

Heavy Meddle
It's normal to keep some personal information secret from the person you're dating - like your exact income or the fact that you belt out Lynyrd Skynyrd in the car every day on your way to work.

Curl, Interrupted
When you're running your hand through your girlfriend's hair and a bunch comes out in your palm, it can be hard to keep straight whether you're making out or snaking the shower drain...

To Leech According To Her Needs
Meet Jackie Brownout -- the utilities-eating girlfriend of your roommate...

For Whom The Wind Chimes Toll
Somehow, people who find it perfectly reasonable to ask a deck of cards whether they should invest in a 401(k) will sneer at you for asking a mailbox for directions to the movie theater...

Doody-Bound
I like to offer "Don't have sex!" as a form of practical advice -- usually just as I'm getting into my flying car...

Leica Woman Scorned
When people say about gift-giving "it's the thought that counts," they don't mean the recipient's thought, "Did you find this in the trash?"

Whoa Is Me
After a series of big setbacks, it's understandable that you'd feel most comfortable hiding under the bed. Unfortunately, you won't get a whole lot of dates there unless you have a tiny tea set and are sexually attracted to mice...

Beard-Death Experience
Nobody wants to be the one to tell a guy that his attempted sexy-man scruff is a ringer for a Hobbit's feet or plant life struggling up after a nuclear winter...

Pouring Him A Scold One
It's not like you said, "Hey, cutie, let's get freaky...and if this is being read by a boyfriend, I'm just her grandma, and Freaky is my cat we need to pick up from the vet."

MP3's A Crowd
Desperation is always so sexy -- like Abraham Lincoln in a lime-green mankini.

A Vicious Recycle
Asking out a buddy's ex can seem like the dating version of poking your head over the booth divider at the diner and asking, "You gonna eat that?"

Under New Anger Management
In touch football, you're only supposed to put a hand or two on another player -- as opposed to, oh, tearing out his soul with your bare hands, grinding it into a fine powder, and sprinkling it on your cornflakes...

Hot To Tot
You're perhaps more of an adoption man -- into adopting the sort of little rascal you can leave tied to a parking meter during brunch without anybody calling social services on you...

I'm With Stupor
No wife, no job, probably no car, and no house -- it's like there's a country song sleeping on your couch...

Empty Shelly
When you say to your girlfriend "So, what are your thoughts on the Middle East?" you'd rather she didn't respond, "Like, you mean, Philadelphia?"...

Grate Expectations
He probably mentions Harvard a lot because it seems more tasteful than the alternative -- having his diploma laminated and wearing it around his neck...

Cheat Exhaustion
It's normal for a girlfriend to expect her boyfriend to "keep it in his pants." Only yours wants your eyeballs in there, too, as she considers crossing the street with your eyes open a form of cheating...

Fling Theory
Maybe she hopes you'll eventually come around -- at least to the point where you're standing beside her at the altar, sliding her wedding ring on, and saying, "Hey, don't read too much into this."

Tales From The Cryptic
On birthdays for adults: "If you are over 12 and not a cancer patient, do we really need to throw you a party and give you prizes for surviving another year?"

Clairol And Present Danger
The good thing about bad haircuts is that they are fixable with time. (You can't tell your girlfriend, "Hey, I'm not a big fan of your personality; can you grow it out a little?")

Pierre Pressure
Some men take their monogamy very seriously: "I'm not ready to cheat on my girlfriend. But I might be ready after dessert"...

You May Now Miss The Bride
"If your husband ever finds you in bed with another man, I'd like it to be me..."

Is This Deceit Taken?
Everyone on the Internet should be assumed to be lying about everything until proven otherwise. In other words, consider yourself lucky that she's female. And a mammal.

Selfish Allergy
You couldn't be a better friend to her, unless, of course, you could have yourself reincarnated as a giant ear...

Amy Alkon

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