Advice Goddess Columns

Gramping Her Style
Aging is especially unkind to straight women on dating sites. At a certain point (usually age 46 on), women find their options narrowed to men who wear jewelry -- the kind that sends the message, "I've fallen, and I can't get up!"...

Debt Valley
When you've been unemployed for a while, it becomes awkward to propose get-togethers: "Hey, wanna go out on Friday night for a glass of air?"

Foul Pay
It is POSSIBLE that she didn't notice the check. It's also possible that she likes to take time off from complaining about paternalistic behaviors to sample the ones that work best for her...

Keeping It Rio
It's very considerate of you to suggest three months sexually off leash, as she is traveling to the ancestral homeland of male supermodels, where a chunk of the GNP is dependent on Carnival -- a weeklong drinking, samba, and sex fest...

Fifty Shades Of Go Away
Some will say you should be flattered that these men are showing interest. These people don't quite get that men hitting on you because they read your sex addiction memoir are appealing on the level of a barista who hits on you by drawing a penis and a question mark in your latte...

Remorse Code
Ideally, your tone of voice in apologizing simply communicates "I'm sorry" and not "I'm sorry you're such a total idiot about this."

Things That Go Bump In The Knight
The response by some women these days to men's well-intentioned acts must tempt at least a few men to swing entirely in the other direction: "Let's see...I could open the car door for my date -- or start to drive off and let her throw herself across the hood and hang on."

Girls Just Wanna Have Funding?
It is best if the dream date you're proposing isn't all in the presentation: "We have reservations tonight at a cozy new hot spot -- my studio apartment with the heat that won't shut off. Dress tropical!"

The Hand That Rocks The Ladle
Well, according to some research, married people do live longer. However, that's sometimes just because they were unsuccessful at killing each other...

From Adhere To Eternity
Being neighbors is so convenient: "Hi...could I just borrow your stepladder until tomorrow and your vagina for, like, an hour?"...

For Whom The Sleigh Bells Toll
Each of us gets into the holiday spirit in our own special way. Some of us build gingerbread houses; some of us build gingerbread psychiatric hospitals...

Crushin' Roulette
It's just a bit of a twist on the friendship ring. You'd like to give her a friendship penis...

Teetotally Awesome
A person who doesn't have a history of addiction can understand the need to take the edge off. They'll even admit to doing it themselves -- with a cup of chamomile tea...

Her Beta Half
It's often hard for a man who's achieved less than the woman he's with. She introduces him with "Meet my boyfriend..." and he imagines everybody finishing her thought with "...the man whose job it is to eat treats out of my hand like a squirrel."

Woe Is Meow
Nothing lasts forever -- except middle school, which never ever ends. You'll be 85, and some biddy will be all "Look at that slut with the pink walker"...

Bong Water Under The Bridge?
When you're slaving away in grad school, it can be hard to feel connected to somebody whose idea of higher education is Googling how to grow pot in your closet...

Best Man For The Sob
When things get emotionally fraught in a relationship, it's tempting to wish for a simpler existence -- like being a dog so all that's expected of you is 1. Don't pee on the rug. 2. Sit still while the girlfriend dresses you up as a bee...

Denial Of Cervix
There are those men who understand what it's like to give birth -- those who've passed a kidney stone the size of a decorative lawn boulder out a slim fleshy tube normally meant for urine...

Apartnering Up
Parents today are in fierce competition for whose kid achieves things first: "Little Euripides graduated Phi Beta Kappa from Harvard while still in the womb!" Best not to be the parents whose child has the dark side nailed, reflected in Instagram brag shots like "Baby's First Rehab!"

Business Meating
This is like your telling somebody who wants you to dog-sit "Sorry, I'm allergic to dogs" and having them come back with "Actually, he identifies as a parrot.

Droop-Dead Gorgeous
There is an unorthodox but excuse-proof way to get yourself back to the gym: Hire a psychopath to chase you there with an ax...

Here We Glow Again
There are certain people throughout history that you just know had charisma. Moses, for example: "Hey, fellow Jews, just follow right behind me as I take a jog into the sea."

Jenny From The Flock
Okay, so it seems he didn't quite get around to mailing out the formal invitations to the funeral for his freedom...

Girl Loves Oy
Men on FarmersOnly would be understandably annoyed if I posted a profile there, as my idea of farming is keeping a houseplant alive for more than a year...

Pouter Keg
There will sometimes be reasons you are unable to communicate using the spoken word: Your jaw is wired shut. You are gagged with duct tape. A wizard has turned you into a cocker spaniel...

Hi, Anxiety!
Many people find it comforting to believe there's some benevolent force watching over those they love. You, on the other hand, favor a private detective with a fleet of drones who will also supply you with the video...

The Girl With The Draggin' Tattoo
A tattoo is a flesh billboard -- one that sends different messages to different people. For example, there are those tattoos Westerners get in Chinese, which are sometimes deeply profound ancient sayings, such as "Lost ticket pays full day rate for parking."

Fly In My Soup Kitchen
As you see it, he's got a charity deficit on his human report card, and you'd like to fix that. Boyfriend: "It's date night. What are we doing, sexy?" You: "I thought we'd go spear trash in the park."

Oliver Tryst
You're saying: "I have a boyfriend. Get lost." They're hearing: "Cool! I can get sex without the crying, the tampon runs, and the map on the nightstand for the precise placement of each of the 300 throw pillows."...

Codger And Me
It's no surprise some of your older co-workers smear you as a "bad millennial." You're younger and cheaper to keep around, and the hair on your head isn't there thanks to a Groupon for Dr. Hair Plugs.

Can't Bi Me Love
There's an elephant in the room, but unfortunately, it isn't the kind you can climb on and ride off to the nearest girlbar...

Swarm Feelings
The first few dates are the free trial period of romantic relationships. Think of it like accepting a sample of lox spread at Costco. You're seeing how you like it; you aren't committing to buy a salmon hatchery...

Dead Wait
Think about the guys women get stuck on -- those they can't get to text them back, not those who put out lighted signs visible from space: "iPhone's always on! Call 24/7! Pick me! Yaaay! Over here!"...

Mock Love To Me
It's probably tempting to give him a taste of his own medicine: "Baby, I did not use the word 'small' in describing your penis. I called it 'adorable.'"

Pitch-Slapped
Okay, so you sound like you've been smoking unfiltered cigarettes since you were 3 years old...

Having It Small
It can be really romantic to spend the entire weekend in bed with a man -- but only when you don't have to spend every other day of the month there, too...

Too Mush Information
We have this notion that it's really romantic for a couple to say "I love you" pronto: "The moment he/she sat down at the bus stop next to me, I just knew!" In reality, "love at first sight" tends to come with some issues, such as the failure to weed out any insta-beloveds who kiss like big-lipped fish...

The Benefits Of Exorcise
Getting together with your ex-fiancee after you've finally started to move on is like being just out of rehab and reconnecting with a friend: "What could be the harm? A nice pastrami on rye with my old heroin dealer!"...

Smells Like Quarantine Spirit
Avoid any temptation to kidnap strangers lingering in your building's lobby. "Are you going to cut me up and put me in your freezer?" the terrified UPS man will ask. You: "Uh, I thought we'd just hang out and have coffee, but whatever works for you"...

Love You Faux Ever
Why does a man say "I love you"? Sometimes because "Look, a ferret in a top hat!" doesn't do much to get a woman into bed...

Power Tulle
Consider men's general lack of interest in wedding planning. Of course, if men did the organizing, there'd probably be a paintball duel to the altar, strippers serving nachos, and a minister who ends the ceremony with: "You may now have a threesome with the bride and her sister"...

Seize The Meh
These days, your relationships probably start when you eyeball a woman on the street: "Whoa! I bet she'd be seriously mediocre in bed!"...

Give Pizza A Chance
Though women assume that men think the ideal female body shape is modeliciously skinny, consider that construction workers rarely yell out, "Hey, Hotstuff! Great set of ribs!"

Buddha Heat
It's like buying your dream house -- and then living in it for 12 years. You still love it -- but you don't jump up and down and yell "Woo-hoo! We live here!" the 10,044th time you walk through your door...

In The Mood For Shrug
That which does not kill you makes you crap company on poker night. "Jeez, man, quit crying on the cards!"...

Credible Fret
"Hey, where's the boyfriend?" your friend asks as she plops down on the couch next to you. You look at your phone: "Well, according to my tracking device, he's at the end of Main, turning right onto Slauson"...

Netflix And Kill
So, your boyfriend's saying, "My darling...my love...you know your happiness means the world to me -- just not enough to masturbate and read a book for an evening"...

Weed Better Get Some Febreze
Surprisingly, the road to respect and good standing in the 12-step world does not involve strolling into meetings smelling like you live in a one-bedroom bong...

Angry Bards
I get it: You were all, "Write a letter he'll never read? Um, I wasn't dating Santa"...

Fade Diet
It's hard on the ego to learn why somebody's leaving you, but it beats needing a Ouija board...

Fappy Gilmore
You really want your husband to hit you up whenever the urge strikes him? Imagine the call: "Hi, honey...I'm in the golf course bathroom. How quickly can you get down here?"...

The Last Stare Fighter
"Guys are meant to do the pursuing." Well, okay, but forgive the poor dears if they'd like some sign from you about what's likely to be in store for them if they hit on you -- a hot time in bed or years of painful skin grafts from a 300-degree pumpkin latte you throw in their face...

Prance Charming
The problem with dating largely based on looks is that you tend to end up with the sort of woman who's frequently hospitalized for several days: "I was thinking so hard I dislocated my shoulder."

Fort Noxious
When a woman you meet can't stop thinking about you, ideally her thought isn't, "Could there be a small dead animal making its home in his armpit?

Paint And Suffering
Some people are just irritating. It doesn't necessarily have anything to do with their ovaries...

When The Going Gets Tufted
Your body hair should not tell a story -- like that Fidel Castro and Osama bin Laden actually aren't dead; they're hiding out in your armpits...

Ambivalence Actually
Having regular sex with you does not give another person the right to rake through your diary like it's the $1 bin at Goodwill...

Paradise Flossed
What's next, margaritas and oral surgery on the deck?

The Arf Of Reading People
Dogs have proved useful for sniffing out drug stashes, dead bodies, and IEDs. How great would it be if you could dispatch your German shepherd Tinker Bell into a bar or party to sniff out the human minefields? "Naw...skip this dude. Serious intimacy issues"...

Nightlight At The End Of The Tunnel
Okay, so you're the love child of Rip Van Winkle and a log...

The Shoo Maker
Sadly, the CDC has been remiss in informing men of the exceptional protection against sexually transmitted diseases that open-toe shoes can provide...

Cloud None
Nothing says "your welfare means the world to me" like clocking a man's mourning with a stopwatch...

Waif Watchers
It is more taboo than ever to make cracks about a woman's weight -- that is, unless she doesn't have a whole lot of it. Then it's open season: "Wow, what happened to you? Forget where the supermarket is?"...

You Had Me At Hell
It's probably tempting to buy his family the sort of classic furniture you think they deserve. Unfortunately, they only ship that model of chair to prisons with a death row...

To The Bitter Friend
We often do crazy things simply to keep up with our peers who are doing those things -- not, say, because we were bored on a Saturday afternoon and had a little brainstorm: "I know! I'll pay some total stranger $55 to spread molten wax on my labia and rip out all my pubic hair!"

Endship Ring
"I need to come over right now!" What are you, a day spa for her emotions crossed with the Burger King drive-thru?

Putting The Removes On Someone
Not to worry...that fan won't be stalking you forever -- that is, if you'll just sign the medical release she's had drawn up for the two of you to get surgically conjoined...

Hello. Is It Me You're Cooking For?
A man does not stay with a mean woman simply because she makes a mean pot roast: "Yeah, bro, I was all ready to leave her, but then my stomach chained itself to the kitchen table"...

Girl-On-Girl Inaction
It's understandably depressing if the only time there's heavy breathing in the bedroom is when you're re-enacting WrestleMania XXV -- that is, trying to get the duvet cover on...

For Whom The Cell Tolls
If your smartphone were actually smart, it would ping you to listen to your girlfriend before she's your ex-girlfriend trash-talking you in a bar...

A Brief History Of Tame
Where you go wrong is in taking the hesitant approach to asking a woman out -- waiting for her to give you some unambiguous indication of interest (ideally, in large red letters on a lighted billboard pulled by a pair of rented elephants)...

Darth Vaper
What's worse than the crime? The cover-up -- when your wife asks "How was your day, honey?" and you just nod as vape smoke leaks out of your nostrils...

Backbone To The Future
You were never going to be the guy for those women who pictured themselves spending lazy summer afternoons in Martha's Vineyard (as opposed to Martha's Laundromat)...

Hipster Replacement
Your previous girlfriend probably remembers prom like it was yesterday -- because, for her, it kinda was...

The Customer Is Always Frightened
Your cocktail party conversation shouldn't translate to "I mean, come on...do I really seem like a danger to myself and society?!"

Satin Worshipper
Let's think this through. First, there's "We blew our friends away with the wedding of the century!!!" And then: "But, strangely, none of them showed up to our housewarming in our new tent beneath the overpass"...

Wall Of Me
Guys love a woman who says yes -- until they're done doing whatever she said yes to...

Flee-Bitten
When a guy just cuts you off like a bad tree limb, it's tempting to come up with ego-cushioning explanations: He's in a coma! He's trapped in a wooded gully in his crashed car! He's being interrogated at a CIA black site! ("Sorry...Mr. Jones is getting a series of painful electric shocks to his nipples right now and cannot come to the phone.")...

Shudder Speed
You'd think you wouldn't have to give a man who loves you a detailed list of instructions for photographing you -- down to "immediately erase any shots in which I look like I'm having a seizure or bear a strong resemblance to a surprised goat."

Remaining Chased
After you've had your heart broken, it's tempting to opt for romantic safety measures. For example, a garden gnome could be an ideal partner -- because few women will fight you for your 18-inch "Man of Resin" and because his stubby little legs are molded together, making it impossible for him to run away...

Pedal To The Settle
"Follow your heart!" is like that "forget about money; do what you love!" professional advice. And go right ahead with that career in lentil sculpture -- assuming you're looking forward to spending your golden years in a very nice retirement tent...

Whim Chill Factor
Men can experience a sort of temporary amnesia in the moment, leading them to ask you for your number. Shortly afterward, their memory returns: "Oh, wait -- I have a girlfriend." Or "My herpes is raging." Or "The mob is still after me. The Canadian mob." (They gag you and duct-tape you to a chair and say "please" and "thank you" repeatedly until you pass out.)...

Full Meddle Jackie
It must be tempting to ask her: "Hey, wanna come over on Thursday night? I'll do a stir-fry, and we can watch Netflix...or you can do an hour on why my new haircut was a tragic mistake and how (for the fourth time!) the couch should be against the other wall"...

Waity Issues
Putting things off is a relief in the moment but usually costs you big-time in the long run -- like when you procrastinate in going to the dermatologist until the mole on your neck has a girlfriend and a dog...

Crime Of Compassion
It's disappointing when a prospective relationship isn't working, but it's much worse when it just disappears. Can you imagine coming home one day and your stove is just...gone?...

Haunting Accident
The widely believed myth that dreams are filled with meaningful symbolism is an unfortunate form of what I call Freud reflux -- the "I Dream of Penie" version of a questionable burrito that keeps repeating on you...

Dr. Strangerlove
It's possible for a woman to have an orgasm from hookup sex -- just as it's possible to spot a white rhino grazing on a roadway median in suburban Detroit...

Champagne And Suffering
What kind of friend are you that you couldn't, say, sell a kidney on the black market and buy the guy a proper gift?...

Mixed Emojis
Back in, say, 539 B.C. in Sumer, if you wanted to tell somebody you were "laughing out loud," you'd have to dispatch your eunuch across town with the message on a cuneiform tablet. Okay, so the "tablets" are way more tricked out these days, but oh, how far we haven't come...

Kinking Outside The Box
Relationships do take compromise -- especially when one of you's in the mood for foreplay with whipped cream and strawberries and then a glance at the calendar reveals: "Oh, crap. It's Medieval Torture Device Monday"...

Totally Flawsome
It's a spot on your face that suggests you've done some stuff in the sun; it isn't Mark of Satan™ or a button with a message underneath, "Press here to activate the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse"...

Burden Of "Poof!"
We crave certainty, and we get freaked out by uncertainty. If we weren't like this, there would be no horror movies, because somebody would say, "Whoa...I hear this weird, unearthly growling in the basement," and their friend would say, "Yeah, whatever" and keep playing chess, and the monster would cry itself to sleep off camera...

Guess Pains
Science has yet to figure out a number of life's mysteries -- questions like: "What came before the big bang?" "Why is there more matter than antimatter?" and "If we're such an advanced civilization, what's with short-sleeved leather jackets?"...

Mommy Dreariest
Sure, your kids still need you, but mainly to drive them places and then (ideally) be kidnapped by Mexican drug cartel members, only to be miraculously released just when they need a ride home...

Sleep Actually
The good news: You two are still like animals in bed. The bad news: They're the sort on the road that have been flattened by speeding cars...

Head Over Heals
Your approach to a breakup is like having your dog die and then, instead of burying it, having it taxidermied and taking it out for "walks" in a little red wagon...

Venus Envy
Inner beauty, unfortunately, only turns heads of people with X-ray vision: "Excuse me, miss, but has anyone ever told you that you have a very pretty appendix?"...

Alice In Wanderland
Reality has this bad habit of being kind of a bummer. So, sure, that person you married all those years ago still has the capacity to surprise you with crazy new positions in bed -- but typically they're yogi-like contortions they use to pick dead skin off the bottoms of their feet...

You Flooze, You Lose
There are those special people you meet who end up changing your life -- though ideally not from happily married person to lonely middle-aged divorcee living in a mildewy studio...

Good Mourning!
Sometimes it takes a while to let go, but sometimes you're so ready that you'd chase the person off your porch with a shotgun (if you had a porch or a shotgun and weren't afraid of doing time on a weapons charge)...

Nose To The Groin Stone
It's tempting to get everything out in the open right away: "I've run the numbers on your chances of having sex with me, and they're pretty close to the odds of your being crushed to death by a middle-aged dentist falling out of the sky"...

Simper Fi
Most men are comfortable dealing with any leaky item -- as long as it can be fixed with an adjustable wrench and a Phillips screwdriver.

Destiny's Problem Child
It's so special when a man tells a woman he's deeply in love with her -- except when her response is "Excuse me, but have we met?"

Charles (Darwin) In Charge
It isn't so bad being a salmon. Salmon just wake up one day and swim like mad upstream. There's no existential fretting, "What does it all mean? What will I do with myself after grad school? Am I a bad fish if I sometimes long to put grain alcohol in the sippy cup of that brat screaming on the beach?"

A Good Man Is Hard To Fund
Ideally, when one partner is the sole breadwinner, the other is the stay-at-home parent to more than two rambunctious goldfish...

Weed Better Break Up Now
The guy isn't without ambition. He tries really hard every day to give the cat a contact high...

Wedding Duress
You know you can count on him to "put a ring on it" -- when he sets his beer down without a coaster on your vintage lacquered Donghia side table...

How I Met Your Smother
Stalkers usually want to date you or chain you to a radiator in their basement, not force you to choose between the calla lilies and the "Winter Blessings" wedding centerpiece...

Reign Of Terrier
We call dogs "man's best friend" and treat them just like our human best friends -- if at 11 p.m. you say to your BFF, "Wow -- wouldja look at the time," gently remove her beer from her hand, and usher her to her cage in your laundry room...

Fur Wheelin'
"Release the hounds!" does lose some of its punch when it's followed by "...as soon as you can unzip them from their polka-dot stroller."

Romancing The Grindstone
Understandably, not everyone is into the sort of relationship where a sleepover entails setting up a yurt inside their partner's office...

Pic Me!
Being somewhat vain, I fear the candid camera. In fact, I not only favor the posed photo but tend to stick (rather aggressively) to a single pose -- the one that doesn't make people wonder whether I eat oats out of a burlap bag...

Who Will Stop The Wane?
You come up behind a ragged, disheveled person standing on the corner and put a dollar in the Starbucks cup they're holding -- and then you realize your error: "Oops! Hi, honey!"...

Wipe That Green Off Your Face
You see a friend achieving some success and you say, "So happy for you. Well-deserved!" -- which is a more polite way of saying, "I hope you are stricken with a rare deadly form of full-body adult acne"...

Unprivate Ryan
Some favor the social media approach to the "examined life," Instagramming their medical records and crowdsourcing their flatulence problem. Others take a more guarded tack -- encrypting everything...including their cat videos...

While You Were Sweeping
There are people who go all crazybiscuits if you don't immediately email them back -- confusing the ability to reply nearly instantly with a mandate to do that. Still, there's a middle ground between frantically responding to every message and taking so long that somebody sends the cops around to peer in the windows for a body.

Pay Pal
Welcome to the "never say never" school of hope. My Chinese crested, Aida, is also enrolled -- hoping with all her tiny purse-doggy might that rare metal-eating termites will make the kitchen table leg collapse, causing her to be caught in a brief but intense hailstorm of bacon...

Check, Mate!
Meet the flexible feminist. She can do an hour and a half straight on why we need to "smash the patriarchy," but when the check comes, she reaches in her purse and pulls out a tube of lip gloss...

Sparks And Recreation
When you've got a position to fill -- in your life or the workplace -- it's important to bring in somebody who meets the essential requirements. So when the overheating thingy on the nuclear reactor needs fixing, you put out a call for a certified nuclear mechanic; you don't just go "Okay, whatever" when the nicest mariachi band roadie comes in looking for work...

Mood Poisoning
There are relaxation tapes that repeat a word or statement to help you go to sleep, but "I hate you...I hate you...I hope you fall in a manhole and drown in the sewer" isn't one I've seen in the catalog.

James And The Giant Leech
This woman lives paycheck to paycheck. Unfortunately, it's your paycheck.

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Loathe Story
According to your office Socrates, "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways" should be answered with "I slashed your tires. I sprinkled a strong laxative in your latte. And I'm looking forward to chasing you down the street while waving highly realistic replicas of scary medieval weapons..."

Pi In The Face
Men don't mind being corrected by a woman if it's "Oooh, yes...a little more to the right" -- not "I think you meant 'whom,' but hey, no judgments."

The Gym Reaper
There are people -- some of them men -- who won't take no for an answer. But you haven't tried no -- or any of the variations: "Nuh-uh," "Are you crazy?" or "The only way you're ever getting into my pants is if you're trying on ladies clothing at Goodwill."

Ladies Who Hunch
You can't always find your one and only, but you can sometimes find your three-quarters and only...

The Sum Of His Beers
You've got to be wondering what it would take for you two to live happily ever after...cirrhosis?...

Yawn Juan
In looking for love, a number of people confuse "the chase" with something closer to criminal stalking. In their defense, these ideas don't come out of nowhere. For example, consider how creepy the Cupid dude with the little bow and arrow actually is. Basically, he's the chubby baby version of the maniac hunting people down with a crossbow...

The Things We Do Fur Love
Surely, your boyfriend eventually notices dropped bits of beard hair -- about when the sink starts panting and pawing in response to "Here, boy!"

Sofa's Choice
If your husband's starting to see definition in his legs, it shouldn't be from rolling over and falling asleep on the remote...

Getting A Friend To Exorcise
Misery sometimes wishes company would shut its big flapping trap.

Knight Of The Living Dead
A stressed-out woman wants to talk about her feelings; a stressed-out man wants to gun down 87 slobbering zombies on his phone in hopes that his feelings get bored with him and go away...

Little Photoshop Of Halos
Nostalgia is like crime-scene cleanup for your head: "My, what lovely new tiles. You'd hardly know there was once a triple murder in this kitchen."

Penis On The Half-Shell
Art -- especially abstract art -- says different things to different people. To you, the painting screams, "Ha-ha, I had sex with your girlfriend!" To everyone else, it's probably an expression of a moment -- the one that came seconds after "Outta the way! I had some bad clams!"

Wife In The Fast Lane
It's comforting to believe that somebody has the magical knowledge that can get us to happily ever after. That's why there was a movie called "The Wizard of Oz" and not "The Dishwasher Repairman of Oz."

To Have And To Mold
It's good for a man to have goals, though ideally not one that involves growing a fern out of your comforter.

Fame Fatale
Of course you'll stay in touch with your old friends. You'll have your assistant call them to see whether they'd like to come over and clean out your rain gutters.

No More Mr. Knife Guy
There's that very attractive man you see on a dating site who spends "a lot of time abroad" -- as one must, when primarily employed as a drug mule...

Pippi Bongstocking
What does she do when she isn't visiting you -- attend Mass in a "Lucifer Rules!" T-shirt, pop by the animal rights march in a mink vest, and then park her ice cream truck outside the Jenny Craig meeting?

Lewd Skywalker
As a means of communication, hinting to a man is like having a heartfelt conversation with your salad...

Eau Gag Me
Try to focus on the positive: You find him extremely jumpable whenever he isn't wearing a $185 bottle of what it would smell like if sewage and verbena had a baby...

The Truth About Stats And Dogs
Most people will tell you they want to be accepted for who they really are -- yet those doing online dating rarely post profiles with stuff like "I like long walks on the beach, fine dining, and obscenely large breasts..."

Plenty Of Dead Fish
Asking "Which dating site is best?" is like asking, "Is pro basketball a viable career?" That question can only be answered by asking other questions, such as: "Aren't you a 47-year-old, 5'2" Ashkenazi Jewish woman with 20/80 vision and bad knees?"...

Man On The Flake
Individual bits of behavior are like cockroaches. You might see just one lonely roach twerking atop the toaster oven, but its presence suggests a whole colony of the buggers...gluing sequins to their exoskeletons and practicing their moonwalk behind the baseboard...

Jack And Jilted
You wish him all the best, which is to say you hope a giant scorpion crawls out of the sand and bites his penis...

The Great Wall Of Vagina
Men aren't used to women being preoccupied with their girlparts. Even in Redneckville, you never see a woman hanging a rubber replica of hers off the back of her pickup...

Falling In Leave
For you, breaking up but staying in contact makes a lot of sense -- about the same sort as trying to drop 20 pounds while working as a frosting taster...

Speaking Ill Of The Dud
People will insist that they absolutely want you to be honest with them when they're doing anything stupid -- and then immediately reward you for it by exiling you from Western society to live and herd goats with a Bedouin family...

Mute Emergency
There's a reason the line from that chick flick is "You had me at hello" and not "You had me at 'Those jugs yours?'"

Silicone Valley
Right. Not exactly a first-date question: "So...did you get your boobs from your mom's side of the family or from some doc's Yelp review?"...

My Fawny Valentine
A guy's "I really care about you" makes a woman feel that he's got a real reason for being there with her -- beyond how the neighbor's goat's a surprisingly fast runner...

Sight For Thor Eyes
Like you, I happen to like men who look like their hobbies are chopping down trees and going to war with foreign powers...

Bleachable Moments
It's usually best to keep mum if the number of men is something like "I'm not exactly sure because the census takers keep fainting from exhaustion while they're tallying up my total."

Wedding His Appetite
It's depressing when the only place you're ever "registered" is at the DMV...

Tale Of Whoa
Clearly, your heart's in the right place. However, you might send your mouth on a several-week vacation to a no-talking retreat...

Failure To Lunch
To a guy, "just sex" is enough. You don't have to tell him he's pretty and take him to Yogurtland...

Don Yawn
Ever gotten new carpeting? The first month, it's "No shoes and no drinks whatsoever in the living room!" A few months after that: "Oh, we don't use glasses anymore. Just splash red wine around and drink right off the rug."

Backup To The Future
Consider the male BFF. A woman may not consciously think of hers as her backup man. But should her relationship go kaput, there he is -- perfectly situated to dry her tears. Um, with his penis.

Swarm Fuzzies
Male sexuality is about as sentimental as an oar...

Crazy Belittle Thing Called Love
Ideally, "I've never felt this way before!" reflects something a little more romantic than longing to tunnel out of your relationship with a sharpened spoon.

Caveheart
Taking an introvert to a party can be a challenge. On the other hand, if it's a Fourth of July party, you know where to find him: hiding in the bathtub with the dogs...

Rubbin Hood
His "goofing off" is reminiscent of the "but I was just curious!" web searches that juries hear about -- stuff like "Does arsenic have a flavor?" "How much antifreeze does it take to kill a 226.5-pound man?" and "Who's got the lowest prices on shovels and tarps?"

Jihad Me At Hello
Understandably, if your relationship is patterned on a movie, you'd like it to be "Love Actually," not "Judgment at Nuremberg"...

Greed Between The Lines
Once again, it's Christmas. Ooh, ooh, what's that under the tree?! Once again...it's the floor...

Wussy Galore
Yes, there's actually more to being an ideal partner to a woman than being able to unhook a bra with your teeth...

Insecurity Blanket
One oft-overlooked beauty secret is to avoid constantly giving a guy the idea that you might actually be ugly...

Rebooty And The Beast
Right about now, you've got to be recognizing the unexpected benefits of those gas station attendant shirts with the guy's name sewn onto them...

Loot Conquers All
If gift price is tied to meal price, it seems there should be a sliding scale. Uncle Bob, who'll singlehandedly suck down 16 trays of canapes and drain the open bar, should pony up for that Hermès toaster oven. But then there's Leslie, that raw vegan who only drinks by licking dew off leaves. Whaddya think...can she get by with a garlic press and a handmade hemp card?

Hello Hath No Fury
You'd just like your boyfriend to be more responsive than a gigantic hole. (Yell into the Grand Canyon and you'll get a reply. And it isn't even having sex with you.)

A World Of Blurt
Confessing your crush to your married co-worker is like arranging a transfer to her -- of your 26-pound tumor: "His name is Fred. He enjoys fine wine, banned preservatives, and cigarette smoke. I hope you're very happy together!"...

Pleaser Burn
Over and over, you hear the same thing -- basically, "Sorry...we have to turn down your application for CEO, but we'd love to have you as our parking attendant"...

"How Do I Love Three?"
There's no fun like mandated fun. What's next, holding him at gunpoint and demanding that he enjoy miniature golf?

Born Jesterday
Using a pre-printed card to hit on the ladies makes a powerful statement: "I'm looking for a kind woman to nurse me back to masculinity"...

Meet Joe Blacklist
There's doing the right thing, and then there's doing the right thing for the right reasons. Ideally, you refrain from shoplifting because it's wrong to steal, not because they show videos of shoplifters on the news sometimes and your nose always looks so big on security camera footage...

A Ruse Is A Ruse Is A Ruse
Having regular dinners with somebody doesn't mean you're dating. I have dinner with my TV several nights a week, but that doesn't mean I should get "Samsung forever!" tattooed on my special place...

Hyde And Seek
Okay, so you sometimes daydreamed about your naked ex and the things you'd like to do to him -- like painting him all over with maple syrup and throwing him into a pit of starving fire ants...

Stare Trek
Yes, of course your insecurities are the real issue here. Because what woman wouldn't feel great when her boyfriend's all "Whoa, boobs are out tonight!"?

Splendor In The Gracias
Sometimes the thing we tell ourselves is love is really "the thing I got into because I was scared I'd die alone -- surrounded by empty single-serving zinfandel bottles -- and get discovered 10 years later, mummified, on my couch"...

You Deserve A Breakup Today
Ideally, "till death do us part" doesn't lead to daydreams involving a shovel and a tarp...

Savings And Alone
Candlelight all over your apartment is really romantic -- unless you're using it because they've cut your power off again...

Man Overbored
There comes an age when other children's parents shouldn't have to hire monkeys and birthday clowns...

Get Off My Yawn!
So, you just want the security of marriage with all the excitement of dating somebody new -- which is kind of like wanting a latex hood and ball gag that are also a comfy old pair of slippers...

Wishful Sinking
It's nice to hope for the best about people -- but still put a note, "tofu-kelp casserole," on that foil-wrapped plate of brownies you stuck in the break room refrigerator...

Flee Willy
There are two ways to solve this problem. One is to say, "Hey, I'd really like you to stay the night." The other is to hide his shoes and keys....

Gimme Sum Of Your Luvin'
It is kind of depressing if the last time you screamed in bed was two months ago when your husband rolled over in his sleep and elbowed you in the eye...

Is It Something I Wed?
Consider that in most areas of life, when you're making a colossal mistake, nobody is all, "Hey, how about a coronation-style party, a Caribbean cruise, and a brand-new blender?"

Expiration Dating
Not everybody likes to spoon after sex. You like to slip out of the house without being noticed.

Meme Streets
Sending a mass email is a great way to get some piece of information out to everybody -- from your best friend to 1.4 million people on Twitter to three random drunk dudes who really shouldn't be on their phones at their boss's funeral in Estonia...

Thinking From The Right Side Of The Crotch
When you're deciding how to invest your life savings, you probably don't say, "I'll just take a moment to ask my penis"...

Wood I Lie To You?
Back in seventh grade, erections were easy to get -- especially when you were standing in front of the class giving your oral report on Harriet Tubman...

Flaccid Trip
When I was 13, I could read a book from across the room. These days, it's sometimes hard to make out the words on those ginormous highway signs unless I let my Leader Dog take the wheel...

Sleeping Booty
There are some wonderful committed relationships that started off with "I want to spend the rest of my boner with you!"

You Had Meh At Hello
Okay, so you feel sex isn't all that important to you now. Good to know...but not quite the same as donating a treasured artifact to the natural history museum -- with a plaque: "Harpoon for display purposes only."

Rump For Joy
Welcome to the science-inspired catcall: "Woooo, girl...you look like a nuclear physicist in them hot pants!"...

Present Tense
Unfortunately, you can't just tell her that your relationship was "a gift from God." So was the plague of locusts...

Poor Your Heart Out
It probably hasn't escaped her that you sometimes prepare for dates by visiting the Coinstar machine...

Do No Harem
A man can love you to pieces and count his blessings every day you two are together -- and it won't stop him from wanting to see your sister bend over...

Censor And Sensibility
When you ask your boyfriend to talk dirty to you, you shouldn't need to specify, "Except at my grandma's wake."

Tulle Time
Picture a zookeeper coming in in the morning and going, "Crap -- we've got a new giraffe. How did he get in here?"...

In Thickness And In Health
It's something of an attraction killer when you look deep into a woman's eyes -- and feel pretty sure you can see clear out the back of her head...

Knight Shift
Suddenly, he's shoving you out of the way to get to the lifeboat -- yelling back, "Babe, you'll be fine! You were on the swim team!"

Make Vroom For Daddy
Your expectations about how easy it should be to find new love aren't just unrealistic; they're unrealistic by fairy-tale standards. It's "Someday, my prince will come," not "Get crowd control over here pronto for the mob of handsome, fabulous royals who will soon be gathering on my front lawn..."

Mothership Of Fools
Strange how nobody ever manages to shoot video when there's an alien spaceship in the vicinity -- perhaps because they're too busy recording that guy, two traffic lanes over, who's picking his nose...

Tour Of Doody
When men say they "love surprises," they mean the sort involving an impromptu striptease, not where you wait till the sixth date to tell them that, no, that child seat actually isn't for your terrier...

Burt And Urnie
It's always exciting to see a man rebound after a serious setback -- except when you're the new guy in his widow's life and the setback is that he was cremated three years ago.

The Shrining
Endlessly replaying the memories of how perfect your ex was is a great idea -- if you're looking to grow old with a tube sock and a vat of lotion.

The Eager Has Landed
Consider the fine-French-restaurant approach. Before the first course is served, the chef will sometimes send you out a tiny, delectable palate teaser, called an "amuse-bouche" (mouth amuser) -- as opposed to sending out two burly waiters to hold you down and force-feed you a vat of stew. (What's French for "fatten you up for the kill"?)

Eat Should And Die
Your advice -- that "Torn" should just flip the bird at all of her boyfriend's detractors -- is the perfect solution for any woman who has a number of smelly, unsightly friends and family members cluttering up her life. I offer a similar redo of decluttering queen Marie "KonMari" Kondo's advice that we should go through all our stuff and see what brings joy. Yawn. The AlkonMari method: "Strike a match and run"...

Invasion Of The Biography Snatchers
There she is crying, and you're rubbing her back, all "Baby, that's terrible." And then you duck out of the room and dictate everything you can remember into your phone...

Talk Dirt-Cheap To Me
Your husband comes into the living room, and there you are -- sitting on the floor with a Starbucks cup and a cardboard sign that says, "Anything helps. God bless"...

Leaf Him Alone!
Pot does open your boyfriend's mind -- to a four-hour rumination on the meaning of burritos...

Wealth Care Crisis
The way you see it, your friend found that mythical leprechaun with the pot of private jets and beachfront property -- and she was all, "Too short! Too green! NEXT!"

Plenty Of Fishing
I'm sure it's exhausting doing the daily "Hi, gorgeous!" skywriting and cleaning up after the rented elephant that pulls the "You're beautiful, baby!" billboard...

A Mile In Somebody Else's Choose
The gazelle doesn't wake up one day, decide it's time for a change, and give the sleeping cougar a kick with its hoof: "Run for your life, you big ugly feline!" The cougar turns around, confused: "What are you doing, man? Haven't you ever seen National Geographic?"

When Push Comes To Love
If a relationship leads to an outpouring of feelings, a man tends to prefer "You're the love of my life!" to "Screw you! You're not my real dad!"

Thinking Outside The Boobs
We all appreciate a nice view, but your eyes might be lingering a bit long in the wrong places if you hear stuff like "Sir...are you ready for my areolas to take your order?"

The Son Also Plagiarizes
Understandably, you want a man's lovey-dovey talk to come from the heart, not from a Word doc he saved on his hard drive...

Loaf, Actually
There are people who chase their dreams, and there are those -- like your boyfriend -- who just chillax on the couch, smoking a doob, waiting for their dreams to be in the neighborhood and maybe knock on the door.

Casualties Of War Paint
Guys, sorry, but cat-eye liquid eyeliner does not appear naturally on the female eye in the wild...

Buddy Surfing
Trying to turn an FWB thing into a relationship can be like trying to return a shirt. One you've worn. For a while. You march straight up to the counter and lay the thing out. The guy at the register frowns: "Ma'am, Macy's closed six years ago. This is Chipotle now."

Aisle Always Love You
There's being cuddly at the supermarket, and then there's being cuddly in a way that says, "We usually do this with whipped cream"...

Florist Gump
It is a little crazy that when you love a woman, you're supposed to express it with a handful of useless weeds -- that is, "Say it with flowers" and not something nice and practical, a la "Say it with a repeating stapler"...

Duck Face The Nation
Sure, getting other people to like you starts with liking yourself -- just not to the point where you're dozing off in front of the mirror...

Dr. Filler
The really terrible breakups are those where the other party just won't let go -- like when the gym chain or cable company makes you talk with three "retention specialists" and show the lease to your new place 6,343 miles away, with no access to transportation but a rickety footbridge over a 400-foot chasm.

Shaggedy Ann
No, "Sex and the City's" Samantha isn't a completely fictional character in how, after sex, she brushes men off herself like large, penis-equipped crumbs...

Casual Coroner
Your boyfriend's asking you to sometimes wear a dress for him, not hold out your wrist so he can chain you to the pipe in the basement with the six other sister wives...

The Truth About Catfish And Dogs
Guy, in online dating profile: "I'm 55!" Guy's neck, when you meet for coffee: "I was a war hero. In the Peloponnesian War."

Look On The Always-Right Side
Why not take this to the next level and get an inflatable girlfriend? You wouldn't need to feed her, and you could save big on travel if you'd just let the air out of her, fold her up, and stuff her in your carry-on.

Height Crime
Women like things that are tiny and cute, so it's been kind of a trend to go around with a little dog poking out of your purse. Sadly, dressing your itsy-bitsy boyfriend in a sailor shirt and sunglasses and tossing him in your handbag has yet to catch on...

Crazy Cad Lady
Aww, and there he is whispering sweet nothings in your ear: "Just leave your coat on. This won't take long"...

Meet Joe Blackboard
When somebody at a cocktail party asks the guy "What do you do?" his answer isn't supposed to be "My former students"...

People Who Needle People
Yesterday, on the phone with my boyfriend, I had to ask him to repeat something he'd just said because I'd become briefly mesmerized by a big fern shimmying in the breeze. No, sadly, I wasn't all "Sorry, I missed that bit because my couch caught fire." The man was competing for my attention with a plant...

Splendor In The Crash
A guy likes to have a way to buy his woman dinner that doesn't involve a ski mask and a sawed-off shotgun...

Stray It Forward
There are many people who cross ethical lines at work, but most of them just do it by taking home Post-its or a stapler...

Tender Bender
It's hot to have a husband who's kind of an animal in bed -- except if that animal is Hello Kitty...

Skinny Genes
There's that saying, "You are what you eat." Apparently, your girlfriend ate a supermodel.

Fasten Your Deceit Belt
Welcome to Moral High Ground, population: you. Wow, so that's your real weight on your driver's license?

Your Place Aura Mine?
Yes, "people can be different and still be together." In one case, headphones made this possible -- for a sweet guy who cheers up by listening to death metal but fell in love with a woman whose favorite music video scene has the von Trapp children skipping around the Swiss Alps in drapes...

The Gift Of Blab
Being compatible with somebody doesn't mean you're like them in all ways. I'm an extrovert, which is to say I see a dead car battery as an opportunity to learn about some tow truck driver's childhood in Guatemala. Contrast that with my introvert boyfriend, who recently turned down an invitation he got to this really cool event, telling me, "I already said hello to somebody this week"...

Last Year's Shaggage
The guy didn't even give you a birthday card. Even the car wash gives you a birthday card.

Unzipping Your Genes
If women truly prioritized men's looks like you say, Victoria's Secret would be raking in the bucks with a companion chain of sexy undies stores for men. However, Victor's Secret, if any, remains pretty simple: "Turn 'em inside out and you can wear 'em another day"...

Someday, Her Prince Will Run
My dad loves quoting that FDR line, "The only thing you have to fear is fear itself." Sorry, Pops, but that's ridiculous. There are things to fear in life. A couple of examples that spring to mind: Being in immediate need of lifesaving surgery and waking up to your drunken neighbor operating on you with salad utensils and a steak knife...

Wow Or Never
Can you "make a go" of this relationship? Of course you can! Before you know it, you'll be booking one of those romantic weekend getaway packages to try to rekindle that magical indifference you felt at the start.

Canine And A Half Weeks
She doesn't trust them down there in the spare room? What will they do, get on the landline and make prank calls to Taiwan?

Ugly Batty
There are events in life that are totally unexpected, like getting sucked up by a big vacuum hose into a passing alien spaceship. If you're the one who ends up under the probe, we don't get to go all accusey on you, like, "You...went out to the mailbox on a Saturday afternoon?! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!!"

You're The None For Me
Like many men, you're looking to emulate something you saw in porn -- only it's the coffee table in the background...

The Litter Prince
That used Q-tip is only a collectible if he used to be Elvis.

Irreconcilable Indifferences
She's really looking forward to your dates -- the way a cow looks forward to a personal tour of the slaughterhouse.

Fresh Prince Of Bel-Stare
Like the "g" in "gnarly-ass dickhead," the "Whoa...wouldya look at the Humpty Dumplings on her!" is supposed to be silent...

For Whom The Belle Tolls
There's a reason that the Miss World pageant lacks a mathematics category...

The Bleh Lagoon
Surely, you wouldn't find the bunny-hugging vegan "shallow" for not being up for the long haul with the guy who electrocutes the cows...

Glue In The Dark
Sadly, our genes have not been introduced to Gloria Steinem...

All In A Day's Jerk
Workers' comp covers many on-the-job accidents -- but unfortunately not the kind where a married man slips and falls into his co-worker's vagina...

Trading What's-His-Faces
It's like when you pour orange juice on your cereal instead of milk, which surely only happens because you've been having sex dreams about fruit salad...

What You Seethe Is What You Get
When the cops come to the door, it usually isn't to say, "Your neighbors called and said they heard you loving each other really loudly."

Free (Scared) Willy
A classic car that's been garaged for the winter can also be hard to start, but that probably isn't a sign that you need to lose a few pounds and sex up the undies...

Are We Having Funding Yet?
Even if your most recent rejection letter from a credit card company starts "Nice try, butthead" (a refreshing change from their usual "You've gotta be fucking kidding"), all is not bleak...

The Mummy's Cursor
Who says men aren't emotional? "I don't wanna talk about it!" is an emotion...

Hush To Judgment
Your boyfriend doesn't post what he had for lunch -- and probably not because he's embarrassed to be seen with his sandwich or he's looking to cheat on it with a plate of spaghetti...

Slight Of Hand
Assuming your boyfriend isn't 11, "do u have any openings?" isn't a sex question.

Amazing Graze
Marriage vows are annoyingly comprehensive. Take that "Forsaking all others..." thing. Do they really mean "allll others"? Even that hot guy in board shorts in Spin class?

We'll Always Have Parasite
Welcome to the bottomless hole of wrongheaded empathy -- the daddy guilt version of that "bottomless cup of coffee" that (if you ask politely) the Denny's waitress will keep refilling until you finally die in the booth...

Papa's Got A Brand New Hag
Of course it's what's on the inside that really counts, which is why men's magazines so often run glossy spreads of stout, good-hearted older women crocheting afghans for nursing home patients...

When The Gooing Gets Tough
There are a lot of ways a man can show that he loves you. Does it really have to be "Hold on, guys, while I give my balls to my girlfriend!"?

Hi, Money, I'm Home!
There are a lot of things Martin Scorsese has been known to say, but one of them is not, "I want you by my side at this festival, and I only have to dig through the trash for 8,234 more cans to make that happen"...

Nice Boning Structure
It says something when a man notices a nice view -- like that it's only a matter of time before he and that pretty orange sunset are sneaking out to his car to have sex...

Having The Time Of Someone Else's Wife
There are clues to where on the divorce spectrum someone falls, like whether she makes offhand remarks along the lines of "I wish him well, but we weren't a good match" or "I wish I could leave him tied up in a clearing so something would eat him"...

The Frenzy Zone
Ideally, you'll make a guy ache with longing -- but more along the lines of "I wish she'd text me back" than "I wish she'd put down those binoculars and get out of my bushes"...

See Ya Later, Calculator
Aww, a relationship with an accounts receivable department...

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Calm
Rarely do you hear someone say, "So, I ran the issue by my therapist, made a list of pros and cons, meditated on it...and then went out and put a bat through the guy's windshield"...

Shrug, Actually
Once you've been together for a while, you may still have vivid fantasies running through your head during sex, like the one where you get to the dry cleaner's before closing time...

Really Old Men In The Hood
Since older women often end up dating much-older men, this leads to the question, what's the profile of the elderly bad boy? Cheating at bingo? Swearing on the golf course? Shotgunning Ensure?

Fifty Shades Of Wait
In real life, we call this felony rape. In romance novels, when the guy is uber-rich and cruelly handsome, it's the start of a beautiful relationship...

The Silent Scram
Why take 45 seconds to text a girl that it's over when you can make her obsess about you for two months straight, stalk you on Instagram, and bore her friends catatonic with "Is his phone broken? Is my phone broken? Did he see that drunken Facebook post? Should I have waxed my moustache?"...

Inaction Figure
Unfortunately, drooling while napping is not considered a form of multitasking...

Mr. Swipe Right
Tinder takes all the wait and effort out of speed dating.

Shirknado
Unfortunately, it isn't possible to outsource your relationship to some guy in the Philippines: "Please stay on the line. Your feelings are very important to us..."

Mr. Throng
It isn't exactly a shocker that the thing you want to be asking your boyfriend when he comes home is not "Hey, cuddlebug, how was your booty call?"

Hug Hefner
Aw...how sweet...cuddling that comes with a trap door to the sex dungeon!

Ben Hurry
Sex can sometimes be confusing, but timewise, it shouldn't leave you wondering whether you've been having it or poaching an egg...

Look Before You Keep
It's easy to go straight to all the worst reasons for why he won't call you his girlfriend, like that it would seem disloyal to that secret wife he has stashed away in the suburbs...

Shove Hurts
Is your dating coach 8 years old? Because "I refuse to speak to you till you propose!" is a (slightly) more adult version of "I'm holding my breath till you buy me that Barbie!"

Atone Deaf
"I'm sorry you feel that way" is the Dollar Tree version of an apology. Sure, it has the words "I'm sorry" and the package seems kind of familiar, but it ultimately goes down like expired SpaghettiOs from Czechoslovakia.

Livid And Let Livid
Nothing like screaming obscenities into somebody's face to get them to respond, "Gosh, I forgot how much I love you. And I really want to make all of those changes in myself"...

The Speaky Wheel
It may not come naturally to you to effuse, but civilization is all about doing what doesn't come naturally. Note that chimps in the wild are rarely observed wearing shoes, ties, and cuff links...

When Harry Bent Sally Over The Hood Of The Car
There's a saying, "A true friend accepts who you are and helps you become who you can be" -- for example, a person who's naked in her true friend's bed, feeling really guilty about cheating on her boyfriend.

Dupe Dreams
Say you like camping. A woman who likes you claims she likes camping, too, perhaps believing that she could like camping -- not quite connecting it with everything she absolutely hates, like peeing in a hole and bugs that don't come in pink resin with a matching choker...

A Man Walks Into A Barnacle
You need "time to yourself"? Great. She can do that. Just call her when you're ready. No, not on the phone. She'll be out on your porch in her sleeping bag...

The Endear Hunter
There are times when only your actual name will do -- because the alternative is "Hey, Magic Penis, I'm over here...aisle 4!"

It's Always Darkest After The Spawn
Getting married is supposed to be something you do when you find the right person, not whichever person happens to be right next to you when the clock above your ovaries strikes "HolyshitWe're30!"...

Living Repurposefully
It can be a little touchy for all involved when everybody's answer to "Where have you been all my life?" is "Having sex with your friend"...

Going Scold Turkey
It's really smart to "take 10" when you're angry -- and not just because it takes that long to get the gasoline, pour it all over your boyfriend's Xbox, and light it on fire...

Paradise Bossed
Pick one -- having a relationship or ruling the world's tiniest totalitarian state...

Dust In The Lust
Women aren't going to psychics and asking, "Tell me, Madam Sasha...will he have recreational sex with me? I NEED TO KNOWWW!"

Blareway To Heaven
Sometimes the naked truth needs a back wax before it gets presented to anyone...

Sweeping Beauty
It was so much easier when we only wore fig leaves and you could just rake next to the bed...

Minnie Mouth
Him: "I think I have psoriasis on my penis." You, picking up your phone to text: "Ohh...that's terr--...can you spell that for me?"

The Gospel Of Lukewarm
In situations like this, "absence" would be more useful if, instead of making the heart "grow fonder," it made the heart grow little legs and trot off to a bar to chat up somebody new...

Lip Bomb
It's great to have your girlfriend's kisses kick off a fantasy in your head, but not that you're playing spin the bottle with a camel...

Fawn Juan
Gushing over a woman right out of the gate -- "Wow...you have skin!" -- tends to give a man all the rough-hewn sex appeal of a Care Bear...

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