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I'm in love with my male best friend and unfortunately, I'm pretty sure he's never been attracted to me. This is very painful, and trying to stop thinking about him so much isn't working. To be fair, he isn't emotionally available right now, as he's still mourning his divorce (a little too long for it to be healthy, I think). I'm thinking that if I stay close and stay available, he may pick me once he becomes emotionally ready again. Is that crazy? I really want a relationship and am willing to wait for him.
--Tormented
Nothing says "your welfare means the world to me" like clocking a man's mourning with a stopwatch.
Beyond how the guy isn't up for a relationship right now, you seem pretty sure that you're just the girl next door to the girls in his wank bank. So mooning over him is not the road to a relationship but the equivalent of trying to get from New York to California by doing endless doughnuts in a Walmart parking lot.
If unrequited love isn't the point -- offering you protection from heartbreak and distraction from pursuing a guy who's a real possibility -- you need to disengage. But the answer isn't trying to stop thinking about him. Thought suppression actually seems to backfire. For example, social psychologist Jennifer L.S. Borton found that asking research participants to suppress a specific thought led to their experiencing it "more frequently" and led to "a more anxious and depressed mood."
Because of this, when you have a thought of the guy, don't try to shove it away. Instead, shift how you think of him. Focus on how he isn't emotionally available and then on how he probably never will be for you. Next, take action. You could opt for a thought-occupying distraction like watching a movie -- or, better yet, make an effort to shift your circumstances by going on dating sites to look for men who might be possibilities for you. This ultimately allows you to be there for this guy as a friend, offering him a Kleenex to dry his tears -- as opposed to mentioning that you happen to be wearing a very soft and super-absorbent pushup bra.
How about just speaking directly. I really have strong feelings for you and would like to explore a more intimate relationship. Or just jump in and kiss him
He might hem and haw and say no, but he may say yes. Either way it will solve the problem.
Right now all there is is fantasy. Try some bravery.
David H at July 1, 2018 8:52 PM
You don't want to be his rebound thing! You want, and deserve, something better. Try to wait until he is a little further along in dealing with his feelings of grief. Then you might have a better shot at a genuine relationship. Who knows, when he's better equipped to deal with the world and people in general, perhaps he might discover he has feelings for you!
NJ at July 6, 2018 8:27 PM
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