What's Not To Lick
I'm friends with this guy. Only friends, and he knows it. But lately, we'll be on the phone, talking about our businesses, and he'll suddenly start talking dirty (saying sex things he wants to do with me). I just make a joke and get off the phone, but then he'll do it again the next time. How do I get him to stop?
--Uncomfortable
You get a lot out of your friendship -- but last you checked your Venmo, not $2.99 a minute.
There you are, talking about your plans for the third quarter, and there are the guy's sex thoughts -- kind of like a goat ambling into your living room. As annoying as this must be, his being motivated to do it isn't inexplicable. In surveying the scientific literature on sexual desire, Roy Baumeister and his colleagues find evidence for what many of us probably suspect or believe: Men, in general, have a far stronger sex drive than women.
This is reflected in how, among other things, men "experience more frequent sexual arousal, have more frequent and varied fantasies, desire sex more often, desire more partners, masturbate more, want sex sooner, are less able or willing to live without sexual gratification," and are often interested in freakier stuff. (It isn't women who show up at the emergency room all "TOTAL MYSTERY TO ME, DUDE!" about how that reading lamp or Butterscotch the hamster got up there.)
You can most likely get him to stop -- but not through hinting or hanging up when the conversation goes "what I'd like to do to you with my tongue"-ward. Tell him straight out: "Hey, from now on, we need to keep the raunchy talk out of our phone conversations. Makes me seriously uncomfortable." There's a time and place for everything, and sex talk suddenly flying into your casual conversations is like placing your order at a drive-thru speaker -- "Hi...I'd like the cheeseburger with fries" -- and hearing heavy breathing and then a low male voice: "That'll be $8.97...and a picture of your feet."
Why is is so hard for people, especially women, to come right out and say "don't do that," or "i don't (or do) like that,", or "i don't want to do that," instead of hinting around or expecting others to read their minds and do what they want?
iowaan at April 3, 2019 7:52 AM
LW how do you even have time for this? Tell him to cut it out. If he doesn’t, never speak to him again.
sofar at April 3, 2019 8:14 AM
Sounds like he'd like to change the nature of the relationship. Think about whether that's a possibility you'd be willing to entertain, then ask him point blank if that's the case. If you're not open to that change, then he'll either need to abandon the idea or the friendship is doomed until his romantic interests turn elsewhere.
bw1 at April 3, 2019 5:29 PM
YOU:
"I don't want to talk dirty with you. Let's go back to (previous safe topic) or I'm hanging up.”
HIM:
"But I just wanna stick my-"
YOU:
(Sound of phone disconnecting)
Actions have consequences, as they say.
Divorce yourself of the thought that a civil conversation is something you have to wait for him to grant you.
Also, stop making a joke about it. Don't even smile (yes, you can hear a smile over the phone). If there is a disconnect between message and tone, people often go with the the one that gives them the response they want...and for you, it's your jovial, joking, 'I don't want to be a spoilsport' tone.
https://youtu.be/IBO8c7v7guI
Taylor at April 5, 2019 7:19 AM
Guys, if she laughs it off as a joke, she is not into you. Cut it out.
Girls, if you laugh it off as a joke, he won't take the hint. Tell him to stop.
NicoleK at April 7, 2019 6:39 AM
“Only friends and he knows this”
Nope he either doesn’t know this or he is testing the waters to see if it changed.
Your laughing answer isn’t a yes or a no. It’s a I think what you said is cute/funny.
Joe j at April 8, 2019 10:45 AM
Lmao that anyone would blame her for this. How about, "Why is it so hard for people, especially men" to not be extremely creepy when it's unreciprocated
Mary at April 9, 2019 9:59 AM
Mary,
You're right - but...
This is not her fault, and the guy is being very creepy.
But she did ask this advice column how to get him to stop. And the obvious answer is she needs to tell him to stop, not laugh it off, or just hang up.
That's what everyone is saying - and only "iowaan" made a sarcastic comment about her failing to do the obvious.
While he or she was a bit harsh, even "iowaan" did not really say it was her fault, merely implied that the answer was pretty obvious.
I hope thjs discussion - and even iowaan's comment - will lead the letter writer to be generally more assertive and direct when someone does something creepy like this in future. Not because it is her fault, but because it is in her best interests to do so.
Deer Me at April 10, 2019 10:15 PM
None of this is the important question.
WHY is this guy a 'secret friend'? Race? Religion? Old? Fat? Male? Ugly?
Who has 'secret friends'? One has 'secret lovers'.
And why is their 'relationship' boxed simply into phone conversations? Are they in a long distance relationship?
The rest of this is tediously simple:
He wants a sexual relationship with her.
She does not. And like most women, if they do not want a relationship to change, they resent the man for thinking that she is worth being with. Horrors.
He cannot read her mind and so he finds social constructs force him to make the first move. It isn't a great first move, but that is what it is: a first move.
I wish him the wisdom to dump her as a friend. First because of that whole 'secret' thing. Second, he has taken his shot and she has told him 'you are not good enough for me in that capacity'.
Any woman ashamed of me as a friend, shouldn't be a friend.
Time to move on.
FIDO at May 6, 2019 3:10 AM
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