No Girls Aloud
I'm a female comic, so being smart and funny and having a strong personality is basically my job, as well as who I am. A friend had me stop by his business meeting at a cafe so he could introduce me to his client he was hoping to set me up with. I tend to show off when I'm nervous (going big, loud, and funny), and I apparently terrified the guy. My friend scolded me, telling me it's a turnoff for men to have to compete with a woman. Come on! I'd be thrilled to have a partner who is smarter and funnier. Shouldn't men be like that, too?
--Bummed
As a powerful, confident woman, you can make a man feel like a real animal: a Chihuahua in a bee suit nervously peeking out of a little old lady's purse.
Social science research finds that there's a bit of a chasm between what men think they want in a female partner and what they actually end up being comfortable with. For example, when social psychologist Lora E. Park surveyed male research participants, 86 percent said they'd feel comfortable dating female partners smarter than they are. They likewise said they'd go for a (hypothetical) woman who beat their scores in every category on an exam. However, when they were in a room with a woman who supposedly did, the men not only expressed less interest in her but moved their chairs away from her (as if they might catch something from her if they sat too close!).
This seems pretty silly, until you look at some sex differences in the importance of social status. Sure, it's better for a woman to be the head cheerleader (as that plays out in junior high and beyond), but a woman isn't less of a woman if she isn't the alpha pompom-ette. Manhood, on the other hand, is "precarious," explain psychologists Jennifer Bosson and Joseph Vandello. It's achieved through men's actions but easily lost or yanked away -- like by being shown up publicly by a chick.
The answer isn't to be someone else on a date (somebody dumber, with less personality). But maybe, seeing as some of the big-personality stuff comes out of fear, you could try something: Challenge yourself to be vulnerable. To listen. To connect with people instead of impress them. You should also seek out men who are big enough to not feel small around you -- men who are accomplished, as well as psychologically accomplished. These are men who've fixed whatever was broken in them or was just less than ideal. When a guy says "She took my breath away!" it should be a good thing, not a complaint about how he was nearly asphyxiated by your personality.
Fixed it for her:
"I'm brilliant and brassy and sassy and totally F-ing awesome! ..blah blah blah.. What, some man doesn't like me?!? Well there's something wrong with MEN! Yay ME!"
bkmale at April 3, 2019 7:21 AM
Well, there's someone for everyone, I guess. LW thinks she's being clever and funny, but the guy thought she was obnoxious. Hopefully she does better with men when she's less nervous.
ahw at April 3, 2019 7:59 AM
...And really, how would you know whether or not you're smarter than someone if they can't get a word in edgewise?
ahw at April 3, 2019 8:14 AM
You need to figure out a way to relax before meeting these guys, a bit of dorkiness is OK but seems like you are freaking out. A drink? Masturbation (before you leave home I mean)? Meditation? Talking on the phone before meeting? Exchanging emails back and forth? The right venue?
Chill out. Most people pair off. You willtoo.
NicoleK at April 3, 2019 12:34 PM
"Challenge yourself to be vulnerable. To listen. To connect with people instead of impress them."
I think this is excellent advice that's likely to lead you to people with whom you truly have things in common.
I find it helpful to keep in mind that when I'm meeting a new guy and feeling a little nervous, most of the time so is he. I then feel compassion towards him and will do little things to try to make him feel more comfortable. This is often enough to pull me out of being wrapped up in my own head and the side effect is that I act more like my natural self.
Tricia at April 3, 2019 1:06 PM
Big, loud, and funny--he/she thinks is funny, anyway--is annoying. It's not scary. It's not even off-putting in any sense but...when will this clown shut up.
Richard Aubrey at April 3, 2019 1:28 PM
Only one of the women I've lived with was smarter than me, and that was the best relationship I ever had. There are men who will appreciate the LW for what she is, and I think she should wait for one of those rather than pretend to be someone she isn't.
Rex Little at April 4, 2019 8:41 AM
Friend who knows you are a comic introduces you to a business contact with the intention of setting you two up then gets all bent out of shape because you came on too strong for their colleague's tastes?
Sure, you might have done well to dial it back a little, but your friend -- who knew you both -- is blaming you for their little gamble that didn't turn out the way they liked.
Better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for who you aren't. Just be yourself.
Unless you can be Captain Kirk. Then by all means, be Captain Kirk.
Taylor at April 5, 2019 6:49 AM
This is going to sound cold but maybe you are approaching it like an audition and that's what is making you freak out and be over the top... maybe you should think of it as YOU auditioning HIM... instead of showing him all about you and your jokes, find out about him and what kind if jokes he tells and show he puts on.
NicoleK at April 6, 2019 4:59 AM
Excellent advice. I'm trying to work on being more vulnerable too. The person who put the word "sassy" in their comment can get bent.
Mary at April 9, 2019 9:54 AM
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