Blarenaked Ladies
Whenever I feel like I click with someone, I want to be upfront and tell them I like them right away. My friends all say this is dating suicide (and that's how it's been working out for me). But if I'm looking for emotional honesty in a partner, shouldn't I lead with it?
--Confused
If we're arrested, we have a right to remain silent. Ideally, we don't just confess: "That was me, robbing the 7-Eleven. See -- there on the video -- that's my hair."
Best practices for criminals are also helpful for dating. In short, leaving some mystery as to whether you're all in will make you seem more desirable. Consider that we value things that are hard to get, which is why people spend thousands of dollars on rings with sparkly rocks chipped out of African mines when there are very pretty sparkly pebbles that can be picked up all over suburbia.
Psychologist Robert Cialdini explains that the less available something seems, the more desirable we perceive it to be. This doesn't mean it is more valuable, but fear of losing access to it kicks off a motivational state in us: a drive to get it that we don't feel when we hear, "More where that came from! Our supply's basically on the level of 'plague of locusts.'"
The thing is, you can tell somebody you're into them through how you look at them and touch them. Consider where your longing to be immediately "honest" in spoken-word form might be coming from. Holding back information causes psychological tension, as does the suspense when we're left wondering how another person feels. This tension is uncomfortable, so we long to relieve the pressure, like by exploding our feelz all over the person who inspired them. Tension released! Uh, along with the message that we're probably deeply needy and "not all that."
Try an experiment: With the next three guys you date, make a pact with yourself to tough out the discomfort instead of flapping your lips to make it go away. In practical terms: Don't confess. Just be. You'll ultimately have a better chance of finding the "emotional honesty" you're looking for than if you try to rush the process -- like by calling the guy up and blurting out, "Hi...I really love you!" A strangely familiar male voice responds: "I'm sorry, Ma'am. This is the gas company."
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
Whenever I feel like I click with someone, I want to be upfront and tell them I like them right away.
I'm not sure that telling someone you like them, in and of itself, is the issue. I think it depends a lot more on how you convey it.
Also, there's right away, and there's RIGHT AWAY. Probably not the best idea to tell someone that thirty minutes into your first date, but it may be OK at the end of the date or, perhaps better yet, on a second or later date.
JD at April 3, 2021 12:21 PM
Disagree with JD. It doesn't need to be said, people take this as an unspoken question, "Do you like me too?" no matter how you say it, or how confident or relaxed you actually may be. Don't do it!
Anon at April 7, 2021 11:58 AM
I might say, if you don't like a person, you should let them know right away, so they don't get any ideas.
Shouldn't the fact that you're still there, engaging them in conversation, listening to what they have to say, and responding to it like you heard what was said, be sufficient to let them know that you like them well enough to want to know them better?
Patrick at April 7, 2021 2:22 PM
Anon, I have a question for you.
You're out with someone and it's near the end of your second or third date. The person says to you -- not in a gushy way, just a casual way -- "Y'know, I really like you."
Two different scenarios:
1. You don't feel the same way about this person. In fact, you've been debating whether or not you want to even see them for another date.
2. You already really like this person. You have a lot in common, you find them interesting and easy to talk to, and you really like their sense of humor.
How would you feel about, and what would your reaction be to, this person saying "I really like you" in both scenarios?
JD at April 10, 2021 2:58 PM
JD, that’s a good point, and well put. It might make me really happy. But I’ve been on a lot of casual dates, and confident people just don’t say this, I feel like? I am a straight woman btw.
Anon at April 13, 2021 11:11 AM
Anon, we may differ because I'm a man and you're a woman. I'm not overly focused on confidence as a tremendously important attribute as most women seem to be with men. (And, while I may be mistaken, I think most men feel that way.)
If a woman told me she liked me on a third date -- and I liked her -- I'd be flattered.
If I didn't particularly like her, it would be awkward hearing that but if I didn't particularly like her, I probably also wouldn't be on a third date with her in the first place.
JD at April 18, 2021 11:41 AM
Desparate and insecure really doesn't broadcast value. And men, expect more than they bring. This is why most romantic comedies are about women compromising, overlooking, forgiving things a male character wouldn't be expected to. You can't con an honest man. If a man compromises, it's often because he thinks he's getting a better deal than he deserves. Why do people mislead? To obtain or maintain dominion over that to which they're not entitled. Not to be even more cynical, but believing someone likes us, gives us an edge.
Aldi at April 22, 2021 7:42 PM
As you continue to see someone, that you like him is assumed. Layering on the actual statement might look kind of jarring.
Richard AUBREY at April 28, 2021 4:01 PM
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