Same Mold, Same Mold
I seem to keep getting together with the same messed up guy over and over again. Basically, the men I'm attracted to all have the same issues (emotionally unavailable, fear of commitment, etc.). Each time, I tell myself I can make things different. How do I stop doing this?
--Broken Picker
Your problem isn't being attracted to guys who turn out to be messed up. It's going forward with them after you discover that. It's like seeing the sign "Shark-Infested Waters" and then saying to yourself, "They probably just say that so the lifeguards don't have so much work. And I mean, do I really need my arms? Both arms?"
Research by psychologist Roy Baumeister on self-regulation -- professorese for self-control -- finds that it has four components: standards, motivation to meet those standards, self-monitoring to make sure you're doing that, and the will to control urges to do what you know you shouldn't be doing.
You probably believe you have standards, but chances are you haven't thought them out to the point that you can tick off what they are. Not having a solid grasp on them means you can't monitor whether you're following them and take action if you aren't. Now's the time to change that. Write down a list of your standards: your must-haves for a guy you're with, the qualities you can't do without.
When you're interested in a guy, don't just hope he hits the marks; ask questions that draw out the sort of man he is and also look at his behavior. If he falls short of your standards, make yourself move on. Yes, make yourself. This will be hardest the first time and if you really like a particular guy. Eventually, it'll become easier to weed out the guys with issues, though you may need to work on your own before you're comfortable with guys who'd make you happy. Should you find yourself jonesing for a project, opt for something safe, like gluing elbow macaroni all over your car, as opposed to being like the storm chaser dude who's all surprised when he gets blown into the next state and impaled by rebar.
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
And when you're generating your punch list of standards, please make sure that items like "looks," "fatness of wallet," and "size of trouser bulge," are toward the bottom of the list.
A modest little boat can sail as easily as a fancy-schmancy yacht. But a yacht whose captain is incompetent, disinterested, dishonest, and a reason for mutiny ain't going anywhere good.
Same advice goes for "men looking for a 10."
WallaWallaWanda at December 6, 2019 8:58 AM
Financial solvency is important, it shouldn't be at the bottom of the list. Known too many girls who didn't want to seem superficial who married guys who weren't able to pull their weight financially, so the girls ended up earning all the money in addition to be responsible for all the housework and child-related tasks.
I know that's not what you meant, but I think it is important to tell women that it's not immoral to take finances into consideration. Money disagreements are one of the main causes of divorce.
NicoleK at December 6, 2019 11:09 AM
Let's all say it together: "It's the relationship style that you're used to". It's comfortable, kind of like an old pair of shoes that look awful and have holes in them, but you still wear them because you're used to them and you know how they will feel before you put them on, and you cringe at the idea of having to break in new ones.
Go buy yourself some new shoes. And make yourself wear them.
Cousin Dave at December 9, 2019 6:15 AM
Nicole, I agree that financial solvency is important, but I stand by what I said. Wealth - or the lack of it - should not make you gloss over other important traits, like personal values and priorities. ("Oh, I don't care, as long as he's rich!")
The men you describe would have been sh!tty even if they were richer than Croesus. There is no shame in being a househusband. These guys were deadbeats and mooches...who happened to be poor.
And yes, there are LOTS of wealthy deadbeats and mooches.
WallaWallaWanda at December 12, 2019 5:19 PM
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