Laddy Issues
I'm a woman in my early 20s. My friends say I have "daddy issues," because I tend to date men in their 30s. (I do have a decent relationship with my dad). I find men in their 20s generally immature, slobby, and inconsiderate, with limited communication skills (and no desire to improve them). I can't see how being frustrated with that means there's something wrong with me, but I hear "daddy issues" so much I'm starting to wonder.
--Annoyed
Live with a 20-something manchild and you get the idea that guppies are on to something in how they sometimes eat their young -- long before their gupp-ettes start spending their days smoking weed, playing Mortal Kombat 11, and waiting for the trash to grow legs, waddle out back, and throw itself in the dumpster.
Your friends join countless people with zero background in the therapy game who are quick to "diagnose" others with various insulting psychological issues. Luckily, few have the medical hubris to give your forehead a squint across the hors d'oeuvres and announce, "Excuse me, but I think you have a small tumor named Max pressing on your frontal lobe."
Clinical psychologist Darren Fowler and his student, Sara Skentelbery, investigated the rather common belief that a woman who dates older men (by 10 or more years) has "daddy issues": an unhealthy relationship with her father. Comparing elder-dating women with women dating more age-matched men, they found no support for the notion that they were using these men as psychological grout, a la, "I love how you fill the void from my pops never coming to my violin recitals."
Evolutionary psychology research on female mate preferences suggests you might not be drawn to older men, per se, but men who are more mature, more willing to commit, and more able to support any children you might have together. In a few years, as guys closer to your age meet these benchmarks better, you might start dating men just slightly older (as research finds women tend to do). This only changes when women hit their 70s, when many become willing to give (somewhat younger) young bucks a shot. At this point, their friends in assisted living probably tell them they have "cradle issues," but probably just because they're jealous from eavesdropping on them through the walls: "Shout dirty to me, Chad!"
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
Love your euphemisms. She's doing what she's doing to get money, status and all the material good she can get her hands on - because Daddy's not giving them to her any more.
Rocky at March 21, 2021 7:55 PM
I used to date men who were quite a bit older than I was, I found them more interesting.
But when I found the guy I wanted to marry, he was two years younger, He had the right stuff. Still does, forty years later.
Isab at March 22, 2021 10:21 AM
I thought it was a well-known fact that women mature faster than men.
It only makes sense that she would seek companionship with someone more on her maturity level.
Patrick at March 25, 2021 9:42 AM
Perhaps the young men in their 20s being treated with disdain by young women in their 20s contributes to their feeling demoralized and unmotivated. Such a belittling attitude such as what the writer has cannot help boost the self esteem of such men (among other factors). There are two sides to this story, but the side of the young men is left out.
Publilus Quibbleworth at March 26, 2021 11:49 AM
But when I found the guy I wanted to marry, he was two years younger, He had the right stuff. Still does, forty years later.
Isab, as you know, we disagree on almost everything -- and perhaps everything -- politically, but let me extend my congratulations to you on that. Good for both of you!
JD at March 28, 2021 1:58 PM
Most of the young women I've known who have been in relationships with men 10+ years their senior have been a bit more mature than other women their age, and often seem more conservative. Not politically conservative, but temperamentally. But they've also been in their mid twenties or older, not 19 year olds who are dating a guy in his 30's.
So it may be that the stereotype derives from that sort of relationship. The few examples of that which I've observed do seem to have a different dynamic.
elle at March 29, 2021 1:58 AM
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