Sister Knives
My sister dates super hot guys, but she's always telling me that looks aren't what matter and I should go for a man who's stable and reliable. Is she looking out for me? How come she doesn't follow her own advice? It seems weirdly hypocritical.
--Puzzled
Charmingly, the men your sister picks for herself look like they could work in strip clubs, while men she picks for you look like accountants who've invested strip malls.
Welcome to "the Juliet effect," as named by evolutionary scientists Robert Biegler and Leif Edward Ottesen Kennair. In Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet," Juliet's mom -- let's call her Mrs. Capulet -- was working her own agenda in giving her daughter advice on who to marry. Mrs. Capulet was pushing her daughter to go for Count Paris, a boringly stable rich guy from a good family. Juliet, of course, only had eyes for Romeo, the off-limits hottie, whose family was basically the feuding Italian Hatfields to the Capulet's McCoys.
It turns out that Shakespeare was something of an intuitive evolutionary psychologist. Parents do want the best for you -- uh, that is, except when what's best for you diverges with what's best for them. The same goes for your siblings. These fun intra-family conflicts are called "parent-offspring competition" and "sibling competition" by evolutionary psychologists.
Biegler and Kennair researched the way these evolved conflicts play out over "transferrable" versus "non-transferrable" qualities in a woman's partner. Transferrable qualities are those that could directly benefit the children of a woman's mother or sister -- for example, a man's ability to provide food, shelter, and/or "protection against predators or enemies." (High status, too, would be transferrable, because of the power and perks that come with.) Non-transferrable qualities, on the other hand, are those -- like hottiehood -- that suggest a man has good genes, which would directly benefit only his female partner's own children.
Accordingly, Biegler and Kennair found that moms and sisters wanted hunks for themselves but would steer their daughter or sibling to the stable guy with resources. Granted, this probably isn't a conscious move on their part -- all "gotta make her believe the rich troll is her soulmate." However, you should be conscious when seeking advice from your family members about a guy that there could be mildly nefarious ulterior motives at play. Sure, your sister wants the best for you -- the best Ugly Dave you can get who owns hotels and a plane, so she can take free luxury vacations with the recently paroled soulless hunks of the world.
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Your sister is right, you should go for the stable guy.
I know all the romcoms feature a choice between a boring stable guy and a cool, hot loser, and she always goes for the cool, hot loser... but go for the stable guy.
How hot someone is, what kind of music they like, etc is not a good indicator of how good a husband they will make.
But someone who works hard and doesn't have a lot of drama in their life? That's a good guy to date.
Of course if he is hot too, great. But that's not the most important thing.
I know too many women who never grew up and kept going for the hot losers. They are as happy as you would expect.
Just don't.
NicoleK at July 11, 2019 3:49 AM
When I was single my friends would always try to fix me up with their short guy friends. (I am 5'3".) They themselves wanted to date only tall guys. Personally, height doesn't matter to me. But that is not the main criteria!
Money and status didn't matter to me because I have always been financially self-sufficient. Honest, responsible and hardworking matter.
Fraulein Gretel at July 11, 2019 10:05 AM
Looks fade. Stability (of character, at least) endures.
Taylor at July 11, 2019 10:38 AM
Make it simple: I want the best. That is good enough for you, you prole sister, you.
FIDO at July 15, 2019 9:02 AM
So, I married the hot, gorgeous rock god that all the girls wanted. And this isn't a "and then he turned out to be an alcoholic loser." In fact, he's a really good dude. We've been married for almost 30 years, he's been an emotional rock for me in tough times, many good things. But . . . he's also worked a lot of creative but low-paying jobs, struggled with depression, and other human stuff.
Do I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to marry a boring accountant? Yeah, sometimes. Of course, the boring, financially stable accountant could have ended up with depression, or could have been a cheating alcoholic, or whatever. Life is unpredictable. The real thing is that, 30 years on, my husband is neither a gorgeous rock god nor financially stable. But he is a really good dude who loves me to pieces and is one of the smartest, kindest, most honest people I've ever met. And to me, those are the things that matter. Well, that and amazing sex of course. Which also could have been a thing with a guy of any socioeconomic status or facial structure.
tl;dr Looks are nice. Money is nice. Character is key. Corny, but true,
Anathema at July 17, 2019 10:08 AM
So, I married the hot, gorgeous rock god that all the girls wanted. And this isn't a "and then he turned out to be an alcoholic loser." In fact, he's a really good dude. We've been married for almost 30 years, he's been an emotional rock for me in tough times, many good things. But . . . he's also worked a lot of creative but low-paying jobs, struggled with depression, and other human stuff.
Do I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to marry a boring accountant? Yeah, sometimes. Of course, the boring, financially stable accountant could have ended up with depression, or could have been a cheating alcoholic, or whatever. Life is unpredictable. The real thing is that, 30 years on, my husband is neither a gorgeous rock god nor financially stable. But he is a really good dude who loves me to pieces and is one of the smartest, kindest, most honest people I've ever met. And to me, those are the things that matter. Well, that and amazing sex of course. Which also could have been a thing with a guy of any socioeconomic status or facial structure.
tl;dr Looks are nice. Money is nice. Character is key. Corny, but true,
Anathema at July 17, 2019 10:08 AM
I think there's a balance. Safe and stable are great if there is a genuine attraction there. Without that, it can be hard to maintain the energy and commitment that needs to go into a marriage.
I've got some friends who are living with that. They both married very decent and responsible guys. One is very well off and provides the family with a very nice life. But neither woman was every really physically attracted to her husband even when they were dating. The lack of desire gets old soon enough.
Kara at July 20, 2019 3:43 PM
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