Ambivalence Actually
My boyfriend of two years read my diary and found out that I had expressed feelings for another guy while we were together. I never acted on them (and I wouldn't have), and I probably shouldn't have told the guy I liked him. But my boyfriend shouldn't have been reading my diary! He broke up with me, saying he wouldn't be able to forgive me. Now he wants to come back. What should I do? I don't feel that I can trust him now.
--Disturbed
Having regular sex with you does not give another person the right to rake through your diary like it's the $1 bin at Goodwill.
Your boyfriend probably equated your approaching this other guy with an attempt to cheat, but it sounds like it was something different -- a sort of preliminary investigation into whether you had any chance with that guy. It turns out that we have a sort of inner auditing department that gets triggered to calculate whether "the one!!!" should maybe be that other one.
Accordingly, research by evolutionary psychologists Joshua Duntley and David Buss and their colleagues suggests that we evolved to cultivate romantic understudies -- backup mates whom we can quickly slot in as partners if our partner, say, dies or ditches us or their "mate value" suddenly takes a dive.
What else might trigger going for -- or at least testing the waters with -- a backup mate? Well, though you didn't have sex with this other guy, it seems instructive to look at why women tend to have affairs. Research by the late psychologist Shirley Glass finds that women view seeking love and emotional intimacy as the most compelling justification for cheating. (Seventy-seven percent of women surveyed saw this as a compelling reason to have an affair, compared with only 43 percent of the men. Men were more likely to see sexual excitement as a compelling justification to stray -- with 75 percent of the men, versus 53 percent of the women, giving that reason.)
As for whether you should take your boyfriend back, the question is: What was missing that led you to try to trade up, and is it still missing? We're prone (per what's called the "sunk cost fallacy") to want to keep putting time and energy into things we've already put time and energy into, but the way to judge whether something's actually worthwhile is to assess how well it's likely to pay off in the future.
If you feel (and act) more certain about your partner, he is less likely to have mate-guarding impulses triggered (like the temptation to snoop). However, if you do get back together with this guy, privacy rules need to be spelled out -- and followed. (Presumably, your daily journal entries start with "Dear Diary," not "To Whom It May Concern.")
2000 female respondents
43% have backup man if relationship ends
8 out of 10 are in contact with the backup man
15% said their feelings were stronger for backup man
1 out of 10 said their backup man had already confessed their undying love
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DW-RY_fVQAACyBZ.jpg
Snoopy at July 10, 2018 3:52 PM
I have to question the validity of her having a diary. Why would she put this detail in there? And then, why would she not make every effort to keep her boyfriend from accessing it if she really didn't want him to see it? It's just one of those things I'll never understand.
Fayd at July 10, 2018 3:57 PM
If you told the guy you liked him.... you acted on it.
NicoleK at July 11, 2018 2:33 AM
And then, why would she not make every effort to keep her boyfriend from accessing it if she really didn't want him to see it? It's just one of those things I'll never understand.
It's a shit test. She didn't want him to see it, but he was supposed to have enough self-confidence and not give two shits about what's in her diary, and not snoop. That she is even wondering about taking him back reveals her uncertainty about him.
Brad Kelley at July 11, 2018 7:30 AM
Rule #1 of Diaries:
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Never put anything in a diary you wouldn't want your worst enemy to find.
Rule #2 of Diaries:
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Anyone who snoops in your diary is trying hard to be your worst enemy.
Wallawalla Wanda at July 13, 2018 6:35 AM
As noted, she already put a hook and a worm out to try to catch a number two.
Second point: SHE did not dump HIM. HE dumped HER. Because she was covertly to him but openly to other guys trolling for boyfriends.
She SAYS she wouldn't have acted on them, but talk is cheap. At the very least, she wanted extra helpings of emotional and attractiveness validation on the cheap (without putting out)
And frankly, IMO, putting out was CERTAINLY on the table...and the sofa...and the bedroom if New Guy passed muster and showed interest more clearly.
Translation of 'You are interesting to me' is 'if you make more of an effort, who knows what may happen, wink wink'
FIDO at July 17, 2018 4:27 PM
As far as old BF coming back, that translates to "I wasn't able to find anyone else to sleep with me recently, so I will go back to that well."
As far as trust issues, self reflection really isn't her strong suit, is it?
She should allow her boyfriend (in front of her) show his 'appreciation' to any girl who catches his fancy before she starts throwing 'trust issues' at him.
She isn't long term material anymore. Whatever other lesson she was offering besides 'pick me, pick me!' is she isn't that into boyfriend one.
This wanting to not go back with him is her guilt talking from being a shitty girlfriend.
Note well: She can LIKE who she wants and she can be ATTRACTED to who she wants, and she can even be friendly to someone she wants, but she does not get to throw chum in the water by directly telling New Guy she'd drop panties if he just pushed a bit more or set up more of a competition with 'Old News' over there.
FIDO at July 17, 2018 4:33 PM
Hang on...if she thought so highly of New Guy, why didn't she go to him once Old Guy tossed her away?
She was free and she already clearly appreciated the cut of his jock.
FIDO at July 17, 2018 4:36 PM
FIDO commenter really needs therapy. Been there
Mary at March 14, 2022 1:32 PM
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