Eye Will Always Love You
I've long been a "Shallow Hal," attracted to women's youth and physical beauty and less concerned with integrity. Not surprisingly, I keep getting into relationships with women who aren't very good people. How can I stop being so superficial?
--Man With Eyes
It isn't wrong to initially be looks-driven: "Now, she's a woman I wanna have sex with!" -- as opposed to "Now, she's a woman I wanna debate on Jeremy Bentham's views on utilitarianism!"
Also, you should no more feel guilty for being drawn to young women than you would for having your taste buds be more "All aboard, baby!" for chocolate cake than for a "burger" made out of broccolini. This preference evolved to solve the "How do I pass on my genes?" problem for our male ancestors. (And no, the answer to that would not have been "Date grannies!")
However, it helps to understand what psychologist Daniel Kahneman has explained as our two thinking systems -- fast and slow. Our fast system is emotion-driven, rising up automatically, and is often home to toddler-like demands: "Gimme cake!" Our slow system, the home of rational thought, needs to be forced to do its job -- examining our impulses and assessing whether it's wise for us to run with them.
In other words, your problem comes from running with your initial impulse without putting it through the Department of Reasoning. Though it's natural to be led by your eyes, you need to implement a next step -- assessing the character of these foxerellas before you turn them into girlfriends. (This starts with generating standards so you can determine whether a woman meets or misses them.) In short, when you tell some babe, "Honey, everything looks good on you!" one would hope that you don't eventually learn whether "everything" includes a police-issued spit mask.
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
Don't feel guilty, but if you really want to broaden your range, start masturbating to different types of people. In your head, if actual pics of unattractive people don't do it for you, usually imagination can up things with your ideal scenario. Everyone is sexy, really, even repulsive people.
NicoleK at June 5, 2019 12:41 PM
There are plenty of nice looking women who are good people. My guess is that this guy is attracted to a certain look and personality traits. That his 'type' is the problem.
I have a friend with that problem. He's attracted to what he refers to as 'hot and crazy', which results in all sorts of drama and bad outcomes. But at least he's honest with himself that he's the one choosing to be with those women and doesn't blame women in general.
JJ at June 6, 2019 2:07 PM
His problem is not being attracted to attractive women.
It is that he is probably also looking for OTHER traits in her which are less than optimal.
To wit, he wants to sleep with them, and he probably doesn't want to do the heavy lifting of forming a strong monogamous relationship: i.e. he wants women who will sleep with him quickly.
This is not a great LTR trait. It also probably slides over into other poor life choices on her part.
Or, version two: he continues to put 'hotness' over all the other red flags he is seeing in this human being. "Yeah, she emptied my wallet, but before that, she made my toes curl and I fainted a little!'
That is what Amy is talking about. He needs to not let his little head do his relationship analysis.
FIDO at June 10, 2019 6:56 AM
His problem is not being attracted to attractive women.
It is that he is probably also looking for OTHER traits in her which are less than optimal.
To wit, he wants to sleep with them, and he probably doesn't want to do the heavy lifting of forming a strong monogamous relationship: i.e. he wants women who will sleep with him quickly.
This is not a great LTR trait. It also probably slides over into other poor life choices on her part.
Or, version two: he continues to put 'hotness' over all the other red flags he is seeing in this human being. "Yeah, she emptied my wallet, but before that, she made my toes curl and I fainted a little!'
That is what Amy is talking about. He needs to not let his little head do his relationship analysis.
FIDO at June 10, 2019 3:09 PM
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