Cling Kong
My girlfriend of three years recently took a trip home for a weekend wedding. Before she left, I asked her, "Can you set my expectations as to how often I'll hear from you?" She said she'd call every day. She called each of the three days but never stayed on the phone very long, always giving some excuse: She was in a bar, the hosts were sleeping, etc. In three days, she spent a total of 43 minutes speaking and reconnecting with me. I told her I felt really hurt by how little time she allocated. She responded that there were things planned, that she was sometimes at the behest of others driving her places, etc. I am sure that's all true. Though I'm not insecure, I've felt insecure about my relationship with her. So...what do you think? Do I have a valid reason to feel neglected and invisible?
--Ignored
Where there's smoke -- like, say, puffs of it coming out of a first-floor window -- there's sometimes a stick of incense burning; no reason to run for the garden hose and turn the living room into a stylishly furnished wading pool.
If your girlfriend imagined what you'd be doing in her absence, it probably wasn't standing over the phone for 72 hours straight, willing it to ring. Chances are, she isn't entirely tuned in to how insecure you are about her commitment to you. Also, wedding weekends these days tend to be packed with activities from breakfast to nightcap. So...there's an initial idea of how much alone time one would have, and then there's the actual free time between sleep, showering, and "Our ride's here! You can take your rollers out on the way to the church!"
As for the het-up state you found yourself in, what I often call our "guard dog emotions" can be a little overprotective -- and that's actually an evolved feature, not a flaw. It's sometimes in our best interest to see unclearly. In fact, human perception evolved to be inaccurate at times -- protectively inaccurate, explain evolutionary psychologists Martie Haselton and David Buss, in favor of helping us survive and pass on our genes.
This makes us prone to be oversensitive to signs of infidelity -- which is to say, our suspicion is easily triggered, even by harmless, innocent behavior. This oversensitivity is evolutionarily sensible -- protective of our interests. For example, it's typically much more costly for a man to be undersensitive -- all "Naw, I'm sure everything's fine!" -- when he's about to be deceived into paying for college, grad school, and rehab for a kid with some other dude's genes.
The problem is, an infidelity alarm system that defaults to DEFCON "HOW DARE YOU, YOU HUSSY!" can also take a toll, even on a partner who really loves you. The jealousy, possessiveness, and badgering for reassurance that ensue can make the cost of the relationship start to outweigh the benefits. This isn't to say you can't ask for reassurance; you just need to do it in a way that doesn't make your partner long to put you out on the curb like an old couch.
First figure out whether there's anything to those alarm bells going off in you -- whether you have any reason to believe your girlfriend is cheating or is unhappy in the relationship. If not, chances are, your compulsion to turn her iPhone into her wireless leash stems from what the late psychologist Albert Ellis called "catastrophizing" -- telling yourself it would be HORRIBLE and TERRIBLE and you would just DIE EVERY DAY FOREVER if your relationship ended. (Drama queen!) (P.S. We've all had our turn wearing the dingy tiara of gloom.)
The reality is, a breakup could lead to a stretch of mope-apalooza -- weeks or months snot-sobbing into a pillow, along with the occasional sobfest in the frozen foods aisle. Obviously, you'd rather not go through this. HOWEVER!...if you did, you'd eventually recover, get back out there, and maybe even get into a relationship that's better for you.
Reflect regularly (like, daily) on this rational corrective to your irrational thinking; accept that your relationship could end and admit that you could deal if it did. Once you calm down a little, ask your girlfriend for clarification and reassurance about her feelings for you. In time, when she's away, you could be obsessing over those highly enjoyable activities we women call "weird gross guy stuff": Eat black bean taquitos and try to break your previous records for fart volume and velocity. Play "Minecraft" for 46 hours straight, wearing only a pair of superhero underwear. And finally, seize the opportunity to create timeless art -- which is to say, draw a face on your penis and shoot remakes of classic films: "Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope!"
Before she left, I asked her, "Can you set my expectations as to how often I'll hear from you?"
Maybe it's just me but I find it rather odd you'd ask that question.
JD at February 26, 2019 8:56 PM
Clingy, insecure, and easily hurt is no way to go through life, son.
bkmale at February 27, 2019 7:18 AM
"Chances are, she isn't entirely tuned in to how insecure you are about her commitment to you."
Oh you can BET she's tuned in to his insecurity and I'd bet too the first thing she heard about from him when she got home was how... "she spent a total of 43 minutes speaking and reconnecting with me." Waaahh, waaahh.
Jan at February 27, 2019 9:34 AM
My bet is that she's a lesbian - this is a very lesbian thing to do.
itslesbians at February 27, 2019 1:57 PM
LW, if you’re not relishing that long weekend without your significant other even just a bit, something is deeply wrong.
Reconnect AFTER she gets back by telling each other stories about your respective weekends. Give her the chance to reach out to you in a stolen moment because she wants to, not because she is obligated to call you “every day.”
sofar at February 27, 2019 2:02 PM
What we have here, Luke, is a failure to communicate.
If you need your expectations set with such precision, then be clear about it. She met the letter of the agreement.
Plus, if you're going to be insecure, go big or go home - don't do it halfway. The real issue gnawing at you should be, after three years together, why weren't you there as her plus one.
bw1 at February 27, 2019 6:30 PM
This sounds like a lesbian couple to me. The angst from the nagging insecurity and constant need for reassurance will eventually break this couple up.
Cp_deb at February 27, 2019 10:38 PM
This sounds like a lesbian couple to me. The angst from the nagging insecurity and constant need for reassurance will eventually break this couple up.
Cp_deb at February 27, 2019 10:38 PM
I don't see what the problem is. She said she'd call every day, and she did. I'm on the road a lot. My wife and I agreed long ago that when I'm traveling, a 10-minute call every other day is usually sufficient. She likes to make sure I arrive safely, and after that, she knows I may be working long hours. Depending on time zones, we don't call each other at late hours unless it's something urgent. Occasionally we text funny memes back and forth. I do always make it point to let her know if my plans have changed, or if I missed a flight, or some such.
Cousin Dave at February 28, 2019 12:36 PM
Why not just let her go enjoy her weekend without having to call? Weddings and the surrounding activities are really busy.
I’d rather be called because someone wants to hear my voice, rather than having them call me because they ‘have to’.
crella at March 2, 2019 3:35 PM
Though I'm not insecure, I've felt insecure about my relationship with her.
That means you're insecure, actually.
Grey Ghost at March 4, 2019 6:09 AM
I am with bw1, three years is a while, is the teason you are in secure because after being together so long your relationship still isn’t serious enough for you to be invited too?
Nicolek at March 7, 2019 9:15 PM
Before she left, I asked her, "Can you set my expectations as to how often I'll hear from you?"
Maybe it's just me but I find it rather odd you'd ask that question.
I asked because it has been my experience that when others are involved I tend to become somewhat invisible and the out of sight, out of mind principle seems to take over. I am not a huge fan of that, so that is why I asked the question. I do not think that it is bad or inappropriate for questions of that sort to be asked so that expectations are set appropriately. That is a component of good communication, IMO.
Clingy, insecure, and easily hurt is no way to go through life, son.
Hard to argue with that logic. There have been some trust violations in the past and we're in the "rebuilding trust" phase right now. Perhaps that adds some clarity.
"Chances are, she isn't entirely tuned in to how insecure you are about her commitment to you."
Oh you can BET she's tuned in to his insecurity and I'd bet too the first thing she heard about from him when she got home was how... "she spent a total of 43 minutes speaking and reconnecting with me." Waaahh, waaahh.
Your suppostition is mostly correct. I did raise my concern. In the 72 or 96 hours in question, I would like to think that I warrant a bit more than 43 minutes. I suspect most people would tend to feel that way, but perhaps I am wrong about that. I do not think making an effort to speak and reconnect for 30 minutes each day, is much of an ask. That still leaves 23½ hours of time for her to spend as she pleases. I do not think that is unreasonable.
LW, if you’re not relishing that long weekend without your significant other even just a bit, something is deeply wrong.
Well, I was perturbed that I was excluded from the event int the first place. Similarly, like I stated above, had she executed the 30 minute example I mentioned, then I, too, would be left with 23½ hours of time each day she was away, to enjoy other things.
Reconnect AFTER she gets back by telling each other stories about your respective weekends. Give her the chance to reach out to you in a stolen moment because she wants to, not because she is obligated to call you “every day.”
I agree with the basic premise of your point. Obviously, I wanted her to want to reach out to me without my asking, as I would have done, and I would make it a priority to create the stolen moments each day to do so. I cannot imagine that such efforts would not be well-received by the recipient, just as they would have been for me.
This sounds like a lesbian couple to me. The angst from the nagging insecurity and constant need for reassurance will eventually break this couple up.
Interesting perspective. We're a hetersexual couple. I would remind you that I merely asked her how often I should expect to hear from her. I made no demands. I shared no personal desires. It was an open ended question. She answered as she did and from that my expectations were set. I also believe in the value of people doing what they say they will do. Someone earlier stated that she said she would call each day and did so. She did not call each day and most times when sghe id, it was late at night when everyone else was gone or in bed, Only at those times was she willing to make time for the call. I will admit that that stung and made me feel like a low priority, comparatively. I'm talking 30 minutes here. That is not a big ask even if one has to excuse themselves from festivities to do so. That's what I would do, at least.
Why not just let her go enjoy her weekend without having to call? Weddings and the surrounding activities are really busy.
They are, or can be. I get that. But come on, I think that anyone can find or create 30 minutes daily to handle something, if the desire is there. And if it were me, I would WANT to do so, both for myself and for the clear message of priority it would likely send to my partner. I cannot see that working out poorly for me, relationship-wise, regardless of the partner. I think that pretty much everybody would appreciate the same gesture and would enjoy feeling visible to their partner who is away yet still thinking about them. Do you think I am mistaken?
I am with bw1, three years is a while, is the reason you are in secure because after being together so long your relationship still isn’t serious enough for you to be invited too?
Well, there is a bit more to it than that but not having been invited was certainly a part of it. I do believe that I should have been invited and the reasons I was given for why I wasn't I found to be very unsatisfactory. Had I been included, I feel confident that this would have likely been a totally different (better) experience for me.
I’d rather be called because someone wants to hear my voice, rather than having them call me because they ‘have to’.
Joe Blow at March 20, 2019 1:14 PM
I’d rather be called because someone wants to hear my voice, rather than having them call me because they ‘have to’.
Of course that is preferable. I think most people would prefer that the person wants to make the time/effort to call and reconnect. Again, I did not make any request that she do so. I merely asked what her intentions were so that my expectations were set properly.
Joe Blow at March 20, 2019 1:36 PM
I should have mentioned that I never had ANY concern that she would cheat on me while she was away. That thought never occurred to me and played no part in my wanting to connect with her and my sincere desire that she would WANT TO connect with me daily, This was made more significant to me, in part because IMO, I should have been, and certainly could have, been invited along as the “plus one”, as someone already mentioned. The choice to connect with me daily during that time was something that I thought would take away some of the sting of being excluded (again)
Joe Blow at March 21, 2019 7:26 AM
Just to be clear, my concerns were never in any way related to a belief or concern that she might cheat on me. That played no part in this at all. I merely wanted to try to stay somewhat connected, whilst apart. Simple.
Joe Blow at March 22, 2019 5:13 PM
Joe Blow,
For what it is worth, I certainly do think it is completely ridiculous and absurd to demand that should spend a full 30 minutes talking with you everyday. And your complaint that she only called you at night after everyone was asleep was also ridiculous. Why shouldn't she? Wedding weekends are busy and are devoted to hard work and social activities. The best time to make a phone call home is after this all dies down.
She did what she said. She called you daily.
Frankly, you seem not just insecure but rather controlling, demanding she adhere to made up standards that she did not know about but are only in your mind.
If you continue with this controlling behaviour and getting angry and insulted about ridiculous things like your made up "30 minutes a day rule"" that she didn't even know about, I don't see much of a future for your relationship with this partner, or indeed any other.
Deer Me at April 10, 2019 9:40 PM
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