Gramping Her Style
My friend just joined a dating site for elite creative professionals. Unfortunately, it grabs your age from Facebook, so you can't shave off years. At 50, she's outside of most men's search parameters -- even older men's. What gives?
--Concerned
Aging is especially unkind to straight women on dating sites. At a certain point (usually age 46 on), women find their options narrowed to men who wear jewelry -- the kind that sends the message, "I've fallen, and I can't get up!"
A study by psychologist Jan Antfolk and his colleagues looked at sex differences in the preferred age of romantic partners. They found -- as have other researchers -- that "women are interested in same-aged to somewhat older men" throughout their lives. Men, on the other hand, "show a tendency to be sexually interested in women in their mid-twenties," a preference that emerges in their teen years and (sorry, ladies!) remains consistent as men age. And age. And age.
Men's continuing attraction to 20-something women makes evolutionary sense, as, the researchers note, "the highest fertility" in women "has been estimated to occur in the mid-twenties." However, when older men are asked to think practically -- when asked not which women are running naked through their mind at the checkout stand but whom they'd have a relationship with -- women more similar in age have a shot. For example, research led by evolutionary social psychologist Abraham Buunk found that "men of 60 years old would marry a woman of 55."
Unfortunately, the online dating world -- with the seemingly endless stream of hot 20-something women -- is not exactly fertile ground for practicality and realism. It isn't that men on dating sites who are aging into the grandpa zone could necessarily get the 20-something chickies. But I suspect that these women's mere presence -- hordes and hordes of them -- has what's called an "anchoring effect."
This is a term from research on decision-making by psychologists Amos Tversky and Daniel Kahneman. They found that a person's "initial exposure" (to a particular price, for example) "serves as a reference point and influences subsequent judgments about value." Accordingly, in online dating, I suspect there's a reference point that gets set -- and it is 22 and bombshellicious and has yet to have a whole lot of meaningful contact with gravity.
Putting this in a less depressing way, in seeking male partners, context matters. Your friend will have more interest from men when she's in a room -- in real life -- where the female competition is limited in number and is around her age. She might have better luck in online dating at a site specifically for older people. Sites that aren't for the over-50 crowd only are likely to be a continuing disappointment -- along the lines of "Hmm...could it be that I accidentally set my preferences to 'wants to die alone in an avalanche of her own cats'?!"
Hi Amy! I am going to politely disagree. I too live in youth-obsessed L.A., and while I'm relatively attractive and in better shape than many much-younger women (thank you mat Pilates), I'm not movie star material by any stretch. Started on-line dating about 20 months ago (tinder, OKCupid, Bumble, so not geared toward an older crowd). Fib a few years so now my profile says 54. Literally thousands of men have "liked" me and messaged me, and hundreds have asked me on a date. So far I've gone out with almost 60 men (yes, it's exhausting, a full-time job of its own), ranging in age from 44 to 64 - almost always for cocktails and/or dinner, their treat, with lots of art walks and activities thrown in. Could have gone out a second or third time with the vast majority, but this time around I am being uber picky. The two I did spend extended time with were 51 and 56. Most of my single friends of similar age are having the same experience. No shortage of men, maybe a shortage of men we consider suitable. That said, I am always telling people, I have met a lot of good guys, just not MY guy yet. I have 2 more dates this weekend, both handsome, successful, smart, one 52, the other 56. Wish me luck.
Elementary at February 21, 2019 5:16 PM
Elementary, m'dear....
You "fibbed a few years" and now you admit to 54. How old ARE you? 56? 61? In your seventies? My age (81)? At what point do you tell a man your real age? Second date? Second week? Second time you go to bed with a man?
Sixty rounds of cocktails (booze is pricy these days) and/or meals paid for by men you didn't date twice and nothing paid for by picky you has the foul stench of WHY you can't find YOUR guy. Go for a $3 cup of coffee and YOU pick up the tab next time. If you are sitting there wrinkling your relatively attractive little nose at the prospect, maybe you should let all of those "good guys" not waste their time on you.
Grandma Elizabeth at February 22, 2019 9:28 AM
Sixclaws at February 23, 2019 3:22 PM
Grandma Elizabeth...I fibbed 4 years. I tell them before we meet.
A lot of these were happy hours, and hardly more money than coffee. I never suggest dinner, and I've often said, "Oh no, not there, it's too expensive." I always offer to split the tab.
I also go into every date hopeful, with hair/makeup/clothes done well (which they expect). They, on the other hand, often show up in T-shirts and jeans. The start-up costs for dating are hugely different for men and women, in time, effort AND money (childcare, for instance, runs $12-$20 an hour in L.A., with a 3-hour minimum, and until recently, even coffee dates cost me at least $40).
For the record, five of my NOs waited until dinner to tell me they were married or newly separated (but still living at home!). A few tried to put their hands or mouths on me without invitation. One who'd said he was 59 was actually 76; others looked nothing like their photos.
Plus life is complicated. Dating as a full-grown adult is difficult. Each of us brings a lot - good and bad - to the table.
I have always been kind. I have made a few friends. I don't think anyone was sorry to spend an evening with me. I hope they weren't.
I don't think I'm all that. But I do think I'm worth doing right by myself this time, and taking my time.
Elementary at February 25, 2019 11:00 PM
@Elementary: Did you not feel the beat-down that GG Lizzy just gave you? Is there no introspection on your part? Or are you just intoxicated from chugging all those free drinks? Well, as long as you are "doing right by" yourself, I guess nothing else matters, right?
@Grandma Elizabeth: My real grandmother was named Elizabeth, and I loved her too!
bkmale at February 26, 2019 7:59 AM
At 50, she's outside of most men's search parameters -- even older men's.
I find it hard to believe that only a sliver of older men would be interested in a woman who's 50 (or thereabouts) as long as she's smart, kind, interesting and reasonably attractive.
I'm an older guy, would happily be with that kind of an older woman, and I can't believe I'm that much of an outlier. Back in 2007, I met (actually re-met; we first met back in 1982) a woman who was 49 at the time. Not only was she smart and interesting, but also very attractive (Italian ancestry) and very sexy. The sex with her was the best I've ever had in my life and I wouldn't have traded it for sex with any woman in her twenties. Unfortunately, she was very lacking in the "kind" department, with a real mean streak and a chip on her shoulder about men so it didn't last.
A year after we broke up, I met a woman who was 45. Not nearly as attractive or sexy as the other woman, but a far nicer person and we shared the exact same droll sense of humor and a love of music. I also wouldn't have traded being with her for any woman in her twenties. Unfortunately, there was a catch with her as well: she wasn't attracted to me because I wasn't taller than her (we're both 5'10".) Her height didn't bother me at all, but she was one of those many women (like Amy) who needs to have a man taller than her.
JD at February 26, 2019 8:42 PM
Elementary: So far I've gone out with almost 60 men . . . ranging in age from 44 to 64. Could have gone out a second or third time with the vast majority, but this time around I am being uber picky.
Wow, you're not kidding about being extremely picky. If I went on dates with 60 women I find it difficult-to-impossible to think that there wouldn't be at least one -- and likely a few more than that -- that I would be very interested in.
Anyway, you're entitled to be as picky as you want to be. It would be interesting to know how many men in total you end up meeting before you finally find one who meets your stringent criteria.
JD at February 26, 2019 8:50 PM
Bullshit. I was on dating sites when I was in my mid-40s, and I got plenty of attention from men of all ages! And no, I'm not model material - just reasonably attractive, despite being plump. And no, I didn't lie about my age or my size; I put both those things out there, with recent pix, so people could see what they were getting. Why would I want someone who didn't find me attractive?
Erica at March 23, 2019 2:20 PM
My experiences was with Match.com. So I have a question . Does Tinder have space to list what you are reading?
tmitsss at May 25, 2019 1:08 PM
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