Apartnering Up
My husband and I started having problems when I found an email he sent to his ex-girlfriend saying, "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever met. I want to spend the rest of my life with you." He's never complimented me during our five years together. He revealed that he and his ex used to have sex for hours, while the most we ever spent making love was 45 minutes -- only once, when we were first dating. I think I should leave, but we have a 1-year-old child. We are good together caring for the baby, but it's terrible to be with a man who lacks love, respect, and desire for you.
--Tormented
Parents today are in fierce competition for whose kid achieves things first: "Little Euripides graduated Phi Beta Kappa from Harvard while still in the womb!" Best not to be the parents whose child has the dark side nailed, reflected in Instagram brag shots like "Baby's First Rehab!"
A good deal of research suggests that the healthiest home environment for a kid is an "intact family" -- as opposed to the "Uncle" Of The Month Club. Couples wanting what's best for their children are motivated to de-uglify their relationship and can often work out what I call "process-oriented" problems (counterproductive ways of interacting that lead to nasty fights or just seething resentment).
This is essential because even if nobody's screaming and hurling casserole dishes, the underlying tone of a relationship is reflected in interactions as mundane as "Can ya pass the salt?" (Ideally, your tone suggests some affection for your partner -- not that your reluctance to do time is all that's keeping you from smothering them with a pillow.)
You, however, are in a relationship with a man who is deeply passionate about another woman and appears to see sex with you as a household chore. Your resentment from feeling unwanted and equally toxic feelings from him are sure to seep into your daily life. So, staying together under these circumstances would most likely be damaging for your child -- but chances are, so would splitting up.
To understand why an intact family seems important for kids' well-being, it helps to understand a few things from an area of evolutionary research called "life history theory." It explores how the type of environment a person grows up in calibrates their psychology and behavior -- for example, how able they are to delay gratification.
This calibration is basically a form of human mental economics -- a subconscious calculation of how stable or risky a person's childhood environment is and whether they'd be better off allocating their energy and efforts toward the now or the future. A stable, predictable environment -- like growing up with middle-class parents who remain married, live in a peaceful neighborhood, and always provide enough food to eat -- tends to lead to a more future-oriented approach (like being able to save money). Conversely, growing up in a dangerous neighborhood, having divorced parents with unpredictable finances, and getting moved around a lot is likely to lead to a more now-oriented approach (spendorama!).
The good news is, you two may be able to break up without it breaking your kid. My friend Wendy Paris and her former husband did this -- splitting up as a couple while staying together as parents of their young son. Wendy writes in her book "Splitopia: Dispatches From Today's Good Divorce and How To Part Well" that they even relocated together from New York to Los Angeles, moving to separate places a few blocks apart. They hang out and do activities as a family. Her ex often comes over to make breakfast for her son and coffee for her. He even takes out the trash! Sure, he did that when they were married, but Wendy was too preoccupied with her issues with him as a husband to appreciate it like she can now.
It's difficult to set up an arrangement like Wendy's if you're, oh...say...preoccupied with wishing your husband's penis would wither and fall off like a skin tag under a dermatologist's liquid nitro. In a situation like yours, where resentment is high, a mediator could be helpful. (Look for a marital specialist at Mediate.com.)
A mediator is not a judge and won't tell you what to do. He or she is a neutral third party, de-escalating conflict -- creating a safe, productive psychological environment. This makes it possible for people with disputes to work out a mutually acceptable agreement for how they'll go forward. Now, mediation doesn't work for everyone. However, it's probably your best bet for "having it all" -- acting in your child's best interest and eventually having a man in your life who sees you as more than ballast to keep the mattress down in case there's a tornado.
A good deal of research suggests that the healthiest home environment for a kid is an "intact family"
Of course, a family where the parents are happily married is best for the kids, but how much of that research lumps those families indiscriminately with those who "stay together for the kids" but are at each others' throats, or where one parent is an abuser? Is there any research which attempts to pinpoint how bad it has to get before splitting up is in the kids' best interest?
Also, a divorce doesn't have to lead to an "uncle of the month" situation. The custodial parent could find a permanent partner who cares about the kids, and form a new intact family.
Or both parents could. My niece's parents divorced when she was little, and both remarried. As an adult, she says that she always felt luckier than other kids because she had two homes where she felt safe, comfortable and loved.
Rex Little at December 18, 2018 6:06 PM
Oh, this is the letter in which the writer didn't initially disclose that she and her husband had a child. I wonder what your response would have been like without that detail.
Fayd at December 18, 2018 7:39 PM
He's never complimented me during our five years together.
OK. When I read something like that it makes me suspect that she's exaggerating. And was the email she found sent while they were together, or while he was with his ex? My guess is the latter, or this letter would be about infidelity, not his lack of desire for her.
I wonder if this is a letter by a new mom who is freaking out about something that's not really an issue.
Sheila at December 18, 2018 9:21 PM
My husband and I started having problems when I found an email he sent...
I read this like "I snooped and found something I shouldn't have, but rather than just own my own bad behavior I'm going to drag him into it, make it his fault, and call into question everything about our lives together..."
I don't think their problems started with the "found" email.
bkmale at December 19, 2018 7:07 AM
"OK. When I read something like that it makes me suspect that she's exaggerating. And was the email she found sent while they were together, or while he was with his ex? My guess is the latter, or this letter would be about infidelity, not his lack of desire for her."
Yeah, this whole thing reads odd to me. If he cares that little about her, how did she wind up marrying him and having a child with him in the first place?
Cousin Dave at December 19, 2018 7:16 AM
Yeah it read to me like it was a passionate love letter he wrote back when he was with the ex, and current wife is jealous he doesn't do things like that for her now... maybe though it was one of those we're young and hot and fuck all the time relationships that are just that... maybe there's a reason he's not with the ex any more just sayin'
NicoleK at December 19, 2018 9:21 AM
I think we are missing some info here. Ms Alkon has mentioned in the past that she often contacts the LW and has more extensive communication - communication that we don't see or read. If that's the case here, well, OK then.
If not, then I am in agreement with y'all. LW seems to have some other sort of agenda here . . . .
railmeat at December 19, 2018 10:44 AM
Hmm. Five years, huh? You mean the 'this marriage is no longer as fun as when we started' realization window? How...typical.
And her rationalization? "I deserve better." Again...typical.
I keep hearing this chestnut from women when they want to excuse their very 'popular' past: "I am with YOU now!"
Well, the LW's husband is with HER now. If he thought that much about Hottie McCottontail, he'd still be with Hottie.
Okay, maybe he didn't get his first choice? Who does? If I had my 'first choice' it would have been a wonderful last twenty years of Erika Eleniak and Pamela Anderson pillow fighting over who got a chance at me first on any given night. Or Michelle...MMM...Michelle. (All of them aged badly. Unlike my wife.)
Alas, we don't get our first choices all the time. LW has the opportunity to enjoy what she has...or destroy what she has looking for her new 'first choice'.
Let me update you: Very few great men are going to sign up for a 'you with a + 1' and those that are will likely look askance at the 'why' of your ditching your last hubby.
He knows he will likely be next.
Duty...loyalty...obligations...patience...these aren't stomach butterfly inducingn qualities. But they are far more valuable because they outlast looks and passion.
Think very hard before you throw away a perfectly good man. A lot of your sisters are finding it very hard to find a first 'keeper'...much less a second.
FIDO at December 19, 2018 3:37 PM
" I wonder what your response would have been like without that detail."
Well, I don't tell people what to do; I suggest options and explain the likely ramifications of doing or not doing, but if there were no kids here, I think the thing to do is to bolt out of there pronto.
Amy Alkon at December 20, 2018 6:31 AM
Did she tell you when that email was sent?
I'm not trying to beat up on the LW, but this letter is a lot like ones you'll find on Facebook and the mommy sites.
It's the 'my husband is monster who tricked me into getting pregnant' meme. The author is typically a new mom who is overwhelmed and insecure about her relationship, which is usually because she feels ugly.
Sheila at December 20, 2018 11:02 AM
The people saying she's exaggerating are wild. Even if she is exaggerating, it's still incredibly hurtful. She was prob snooping because he was acting fucking weird and she didn't trust him to be honest.
Mary at December 28, 2018 11:20 AM
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