Heart Of Barkness
My friend recently bought a $3,000 labradoodle but refuses to pay to get it trained. The dog is really badly behaved. Whenever I bring up the need for training, my friend gets very defensive and lashes out at me. Last time I visited her, the dog got into my bag and chewed through some seriously expensive skin care products I treated myself to. She acted like it wasn't an issue and even said it was my fault for leaving my bag on the floor! We've been friends for nearly 20 years, so it's a little complicated, but how can I let her know her actions feel inconsiderate and get her to take proper responsibility for her dog?
--Beware Of Owner
Most dogs enjoy chewing on a nice raw bone to pass the time; hers likes to mix things up with the occasional $200 tube of eye cream.
Your friend's response to her delinquentdoodle destroying your stuff -- "Yawn...whatever" -- suggests she comes up short in a personality trait called "conscientiousness." Conscientiousness is one of the five core personality dimensions that shape how we typically behave (the other four being openness, extroversion, agreeableness, and emotional stability). Each of these dimensions reflects a spectrum -- a scale from low to high -- so, for example, extroversion includes everything from extreme extroversion to extreme introversion (the party animal versus the sort of animal that prefers hiding under a car till the shindig's over).
Research by psychologists Joshua Jackson and Brent Roberts finds that people with high conscientiousness are responsible, hardworking, orderly, and able to control their impulses. (Their work was focused on the behaviors of the conscientious, as opposed to thoughts and feelings.) Not surprisingly, other research -- a cross-cultural study by psychologist Martin C. Melchers -- finds that people with higher levels of conscientiousness tend to be more empathetic (making them less likely to react to their animal turning a friend's possessions into chew toys by being all, "Dogs will be dogs!").
Personality traits are, to a great extent, genetic, and tend to be pretty stable over time and across situations. However, psychologists Nathan Hudson and R. Chris Fraley find that a person may be able to change their personality traits, including their level of conscientiousness. Their research suggests that a person can become more conscientious by continually setting very specific weekly goals -- for example, tasks to follow through on that they'd normally let slide.
The problem is this friend of yours might need some wakeup call to be motivated to change. People who get away with living sloppy typically see no reason to live otherwise. Consider the difference in how driven someone would be to clean up their act in the wake of "hitting bottom" versus, say, "hitting middle."
Another demotivating factor might be your friend's WTR -- "welfare trade-off ratio" -- a term that unfortunately sounds like illegal food stamp swapping. In fact, as evolutionary psychologists David Buss and Lars Penke explain, a person's welfare tradeoff ratio refers to how much weight they place on their own interests relative to those of another person. In other words, "welfare" really means "well-being" -- as in, "How willing am I to sacrifice what's best for me so you can have what's good for you?"
Buss and Penke add that people who are narcissistic -- self-centered, exploitative, with a strong sense of entitlement, and lacking in empathy -- "habitually place a higher weight on their own welfare relative to the welfare of others." Now, maybe you don't see this sort of selfish, cavalier attitude coming out habitually in your friend, but maybe that's because friendship is fun-centered and thus doesn't have the sort of strains put on it that a business partnership or relationship does. (You don't have to decide whether to have an abortion because you went out for drinks with your friend.)
Where does this leave you? Unfortunately, without a lot of attractive options. Though it's reasonable to prefer that she change her philosophy on dog training (which appears to be "Why bother?") expecting her to do so is basically the love child of toxic hope and irrational expectations. Tempting as it must be to simply demand she train her dog, as you've already seen, telling people what to do tends to backfire, leading them to tell you where to go.
What you can do is choose: Consider whether the benefits of having her in your life are worth the cost. If you decide to keep her around, be realistic: Leave any pricey rejuveceuticals and anything else of value locked in a kennel when visiting her and Cujodoodle. It might also help to look on the positive side: It's only her dog running wild; she isn't hollering out the back door, "Kids, if you rob the liquor store, don't forget Mommy's merlot!"
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
Don't you know that her dog is the cutest dog in the whole world she wuvs him sooo much.
Fraulein Gretel at February 6, 2020 9:24 AM
Or just don't hang out at her house.
Peg Y at February 6, 2020 12:00 PM
Please don't be tempted to carry a dozen 90% chocolate bars in your purse.
Fiendly at February 6, 2020 12:29 PM
I think Amy got it wrong this time.
This is a cognitive problem with the friend's beliefs about pet ownership. It's not about her well being versus the LW's, because as any owner of a dog that size knows, this lack of training works more to the detriment of the dog owner, all of whose belongings are constantly in the sphere of destruction, than to that of the occasional guest, whose purse contents are at a lesser risk for a very short time.
She's no different from a parent who refuses to discipline children, and the primary lack of consideration is to the dog/children, who will ultimately suffer the most for the lack of discipline in the long run.
Don't worry, the dog will eventually destroy enough of his mistress's belongings that she'll take him either to obedience school or the pound.
Unfortunately, I've seen this process play out with far too many would-be owners of large dogs.
bw1 at February 6, 2020 4:50 PM
While I agree your friend's nonchalance about her dog eating your stuff would probably be a deal breaker, I have to ask: What were you thinking? A new labradoodle is almost undoubtedly a puppy. Puppies chew things. It's what they do. Puppy Golden Retrievers will chew rocks. (Anyone else remember that Golden Retriever that ate 10 lbs of rocks?)
No amount of training is going to stop a young dog from chewing everything. That's how they explore their world. Only time and maturity will change that. Training just makes them come when they're called. Or leave something alone that they've found and you don't want them to have, but only after you catch them at it.
SlowMindThinking at February 6, 2020 4:57 PM
Don't worry, the dog will eventually destroy enough of his mistress's belongings that she'll take him either to obedience school or the pound.
...or the vet...and for the wrong reasons.
Just after Thanksgiving, more than one vet has been approached by a family who wants to put their dog down because it is supposedly ailing or vicious or unsocializable. Oddly, the dog exhibits none of these traits at the office. Cue one of the kids in tow to squeal, "Guess what? We're getting a puppy for Christmas!"
Draw your own conclusions. SMH.
TayTay at February 7, 2020 10:34 AM
"...or the vet...and for the wrong reasons."
That's sort of what I meant by the pound, except they can walk away telling themselves there's a chance the dog will be adopted. Puppies should be watched, controlled, or kept away from opportunities until they can be trained to know what is, and isn't a chew toy, something I've seen them taught by 4 months. There are plenty of things in the average household puppies will chew that will kill them, and that includes a lot of personal care/beauty products that can be found in a visitors' purse. Dog ownership carries certain responsibilities.
bw1 at February 8, 2020 9:50 PM
I’m not sure how opinions are influenced by the person seeking advice, the columnist, or the readership itself but this conversation is going so much different than a related situation.
In that story, a man was having trouble forgiving his wife for her careless sloppiness where she “killed” his puppy. His wife left her purse on the floor where the puppy chewed through a bottle to get to over-the-counter medication, which led to the puppies death. Readers were livid that she could be so careless and talked about taking her children away and him leaving her.
Yes, she should train the puppy. Yes, puppies chew. Yes, she should have put her purse up or at least kept an eye on it.
Don’t visit again for a year or two until the pup calms down or keep you valuables away from the pup. Shit happens.
Jen at February 9, 2020 6:30 AM
"Yes, she should train the puppy. Yes, puppies chew. Yes, she should have put her purse up or at least kept an eye on it."
Hence my statement that puppies should be watched, controlled, or kept away from opportunities until they can be trained. Same with kids.
Few things annoy me more than people who believe that having children is incompatible with having nice things.
bw1 at February 9, 2020 12:45 PM
How about small claims court?
Patrick at February 13, 2020 8:28 PM
You've already tried to give her advice about her puppy, and she's made it clear that she is not open to any input regarding training. The dog's behavior is only going to get worse as it matures. So now is the time for you to be honest. Stop going to her home. If she invites you over, simply tell her you'd rather not. If (when) she asks why, you can be polite, but firm. "Your dog's destructive behavior is too distracting for me." The end.
Bridget at March 5, 2020 12:00 PM
You've already tried to give her advice about her puppy, and she's made it clear that she is not open to any input regarding training. The dog's behavior is only going to get worse as it matures. So now is the time for you to be honest. Stop going to her home. If she invites you over, simply tell her you'd rather not. If (when) she asks why, you can be polite, but firm. "Your dog's destructive behavior is too distracting for me." The end.
Bridget at March 5, 2020 12:00 PM
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