Business Whirled
I'm a woman who's fiercely competitive in the business world. I've been rewarded for pursuing deals as relentlessly as highly successful men do. Yet, taking this approach in my dating life -- energetically pursuing men and confidently asking them out -- has been a bust. The men I go after seem to find my openness, excitement, and confidence off-putting. I keep hearing that I need to chill out and let men pursue me. This seems crazy. I shouldn't have to act like a debutante, waiting for a man to ask me out.
--Irritated
In seduction, more is not more. You'll be most attractive if you simply let who you are sparkle -- a term that has more in common with "twinkle" than "immobilize men with the alien death ray of your personality."
As a heterosexual woman, pursuing romantic partners as ferociously as you'd pursue a business deal is especially counterproductive. Though we're living in modern times, we're stuck with an antique psychological operating system, calibrated to solve ancestral mating and survival problems. This means the psychology driving us is sometimes seriously mismatched with our modern world.
For example, we now have reliable birth control, and even if that fails, children won't die of starvation or be eaten by feral goats because the dude who fathered them "hit it 'n' quit it." Yet, we've still got our evolutionary legacy running the show. In vetting potential sex partners, women evolved to be more quality-conscious -- choosier, more "hard to get" -- while men evolved to take a more, shall we say, quantity-driven approach: "The more the merrier! Hey, next time, invite your sisters!"
These differences in sexual choosiness emerge from what evolutionary biologist Robert Trivers explains as men's and women's differing levels of "parental investment." The members of a species with the greatest possible costs from having sex -- like pregnancy and a screaming kid to feed -- evolved to be more selective in mate choice.
Women's emotions are their parental investment watchdogs, pushing them to make sure a man's willing and able to stick around and provide resources. Though some women can take an emotionally Teflon approach to casual sex, anthropologist John Marshall Townsend finds that for many, hooking up comes with some emotional reflux -- even when a woman knows a one-nighter is all she wants from a guy. She'll boot some himbo out of bed only to get all angsty afterward, worrying that the guy she wants nothing more from doesn't want anything more from her.
These differences in male and female mating selectivity showed up in a big way in a recent study looking at heterosexual Tinder users. Belgian econ doctoral candidate Brecht Neyt calculated the percentage of profiles men and women gave "super likes" to -- a function on Tinder as of 2015.
For those uninitiated in Tinder-ese, swiping right "likes" another user, but they will be none the wiser unless they, too, swipe right on you. Swiping up, however, is a "super like," which triggers an automatic notification to the super-liked person. (Annoyingly, the researchers didn't mention or take into account that super likes are generally seen as super uncool -- a sign of desperation -- leading many Tinderers to note in their profile, "If I super like you, I did it by accident.")
Neyt and his colleagues found that men super liked 61.9% of women's profiles, while women super liked only 4.5% of the men's. Their finding is a pretty dramatic reflection of men's evolved quantity-over-quality default. In short: Stripperliciousness is nice, especially when packaged with kindness, intelligence, and killer cooking skills, but "Same species! Not in jail! Has internet access!" works, too.
So, if you're reasonably attractive and in a man's age range, there's a good chance he'll go out with you simply because you ask -- though he may not be interested beyond a hookup. But let's say he's somebody who would be interested in you. Because men co-evolved with women, men expect women to be choosy, and they tend to devalue women who just tumble out of the sky into their lap.
The best test for whether a man has real interest in you is seeing whether he'll lay his ego on the line to ask you out. You aren't without control in this approach; you can flirt with a guy you're interested in to signal that you're open to being pursued by him.
Should things be different? Well, sure, in a more perfect mating universe. But if you want to be successful in this one, you should do what works -- which is driven by men's evolved psychology. Though men will eventually take a selective approach when considering a woman as a long-term partner, many will have sex with anything this side of a pound of liver in the refrigerator (and sometimes that will just have to do).
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.








Anyone too aggressive in pursuing is going to come across as annoying. This is true of men as well.
NicoleK at March 29, 2020 5:09 AM
Women like the LW who come on strong in approaching men are most likely to be successful in initiating something like a serious relationship with shy or timid men. But I am guessing that this LW is really looking for another alpha type more like herself, so the relationships never work out.
P.M. Johnson at March 29, 2020 8:02 AM
I forget the TV show but I do remember the line delivered by a Southern woman character:
“If I’m not getting my way with silence and a smile, I’m not doing my job”.
Via at March 29, 2020 9:18 AM
“...confidently asking them out -- has been a bust. The men I go after seem to find my openness, excitement, and confidence off-putting.”
“seem” is the key word there. You don’t *know* that they’re not interested in you because of those qualities and, to your credit, you realize you don’t *know* that since you said “seem.”
It may be that they just haven’t been attracted to you.
I had a woman pursue me back in 2001. She was open, exciting and confident. But...I also found her to be very attractive and incredibly sexy. I also loved the fact that she loved music as much as I did. I was very flattered by her interest and we ended up being together for two years.
JD at March 31, 2020 12:16 AM
“Women like the LW who come on strong in approaching men are most likely to be successful in initiating something like a serious relationship with shy or timid men.”
There may be truth to that if we’re talking about serious relationships. Unfortunately, in this case, we don’t know exactly what problem the woman is having. She just says her approach has been “a bust.”
If the guys she’s interested in are willing to go out with her and sleep with her but not get seriously involved with her, then perhaps it is because they’re alpha types who prefer a more submissive woman.
However, if they’re not even interested in dating her or sleeping with her, then I’d suggest there’s something else going on, like they don’t find her attractive.
JD at March 31, 2020 8:27 AM
Also, what Nicole said. There are different levels of enthusiasm. Perhaps her level is off the charts and, therefore, a turn-off.
JD at March 31, 2020 8:31 AM
Body language. Ursula from Little Mermaid.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gtdFA-LJDLc
I R A Darth Aggie at March 31, 2020 11:46 AM
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