Needle In A Bae Stack
I am a 31-year-old woman, and I can't figure out why I'm having such a hard time finding a man. I am attractive (in good shape and considered pretty); have a master's degree; am successful in a competitive business; and I love to read and talk about news, history, and ideas. I have wonderful friends; I've worked hard to resolve my issues; and I do my best to be a kind person. I just want my match: someone who's smart, highly educated, equally successful or more so, attractive (tall -- at least 6-foot-1 -- and masculine), passionate, well-read, and a good person. What's wrong with me that, even with online dating, I rarely find men even in the ballpark of what I want?
--Miserable
Grocery shopping's easy when your list has generic items -- "beer," "chips," and "cheese" -- and not "cheese from free-range Albanian yaks raised by monks, whispering positive affirmations to them as they graze": "You are loved, loving, and lovable, and you manifest perfect health by making smart choices."
You're looking for "that special someone," not "that random anydude." You've developed yourself (advanced degree, cool job, and smartgirl interests), which sharply narrows the pool of equally achieving men you have to choose from. Being a woman likely adds another layer of difficulty, through "hypergamy." This is the strong evolved female motivation to "marry up" -- or at least date partners of a higher socioeconomic status (the guy in the corner office over the corner barber).
Women, in general, are the vastly choosier sex in the mating market -- in online dating and beyond. This aligns with evolutionary biologist Robert Trivers' 1972 theory of "parental investment." Trivers predicted that the members of a species -- typically the lady ones -- who have the greatest possible costs from having sex (pregnancy and offspring to provide for) would be the most selective in choosing partners.
Countless scientific findings -- across species -- support Trivers' theory, including recent research delving into the ratio of heterosexual male versus female "super-likes" on Tinder. (A super-like -- by swiping up on a profile -- unlike a simple swipe-right "like," triggers an automatic notification to the up-swiped person.) Belgian economics doctoral candidate Brecht Neyt, with his adviser, Stijn Baert, found that women on Tinder super-liked only 4.5% of the men's profiles, while men super-liked 61.9% of the women's. This is effectively digital beer goggles -- worn by a big chunk of the straight male population.
And recall hypergamy, women's preference for partners of higher status: a sign a man's likely to have continuing access to resources to provide for any children. Neyt found women liked profiles of men with a master's degree 91% more often (over those with a bachelor's), while men liked women with a master's only 8% more often.
Unfortunately, there's been a higher-ed "gender gap" for decades, with fewer men applying to and graduating from college. In 2003, for example, four-year colleges in the U.S. graduated 1.35 women for every dude who found his way out. As of 2013, women outpaced men in college enrollment 1.4 to 1, and the gap has continued to widen -- translating to an increasingly shrinking supply of those highly desired men with master's degrees (or Ph.D.s).
This is a problem because evolved female emotions are your mate-choice watchdog, motivating you to go for high-status men and making you feel bad about dating a man who's a kind but ambitionless slacker, or even one who's just moderately achieving. (Male evolved psychology, on the other hand, works to ensure that men don't shove aside hot, fertile 20-year-olds to go hit on that very attractive grandma with a lovely personality.)
In other words, you can't just tell yourself you shouldn't care about the job or education level a man has: make yourself be as hot for a successful plumber as you are for a successful lawyer. However, you could give your "list" of man minimums a hard look: see whether there are any you could live with cutting, thus increasing your pool of possibilities. For example, because height -- tallness -- is one of the strongest female preferences for male appearance, there's probably an undertapped stock of sexy, successful, really good men who are on the shorter side: uh, "condensed, dark, and handsome."
If you can't scale back your standards, you should make peace with the likely outcome: You'll probably continue to have a tough time finding the sort of man you want. Like other women looking for love who are high climbers on the career ladder, you might eventually come to the conclusion that you have two choices: a nice, loving, hardworking guy a few rungs below you or one of those body pillows that you draw a face on and name Ted.
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
The kind of man you are looking for is most likely interested in a woman will will conform their life and interests to his, not a woman who wants a man who conforms his life to her goals, desires and schedules. Because these men are already established, like you are.
If you don’t have a hobby or interest that a lot of men also enjoy, I suspect you need to develop one.
Start looking for guys who don’t really know how to date and pursue women. They will require work, because many are introverts, but most do not have a basketful of failed relationships in their wake.
Isab at June 18, 2021 11:10 AM
This is why being short is awesome. SO many women won't look at a guy under 5 ft 6. But if you're short he is still taller than you in heels and you get your pick of a man to start a race of dwarves with.
I ended up with an average height guy, but his height wasn't a factor.
NicoleK at June 18, 2021 11:30 AM
Has LW consider that she is not attractive to man she wants. She is very old, a christ tree woman, who has been to university and had many sugar father to pay for it, and is cabinet feminist by university training. She not want to look after man and make him happy, she want rich man to pay off university debt and make pregnant so she can get divorce and all of his asset and income for next 22 years. LW put her jobs and having funs with sugar fathers in front of marriage, and start wanting man only after she is old christ-tree woman and no sugar father wants her for funs anymore. Now she want lawyer or doctor or rich enginner with options, all who she turn down in university when they study hard and she having funs with all her sugar fathers.
mansari yousef at June 18, 2021 12:27 PM
Wow, entitled, not?
When I meet a "successful, competitve" woman with an "advanced" degree in the iberal arts, I wonder how many men (and women) she slept with in order to collect her academic certificates of attendance, and climb the career ladder. This as opposed to someone who went through a STEM program where competance is harder to fake and skills other than oral abilities are needed to succeed.
There is nothing desirable, about an over the hill (I think the correct term is Christmas cake woman, クリスマスケーキの女性, stale goods not wanted after her 25th, see above), career obsessed, probably baby rabid, educational debt ridden, abrasive (the real meaning of compettive) crypto-harridan looking to sink her fangs into a "provider's" cash flow.
Baby, you missed the bus, it left you behind a decade ago while you were partying hard with your wonderful gal pals, instead of looking to settle down with a nice gy before you hit your expiration date. At least, having a successful career, you will be able to afford an AIBO to keep you company in your old age.
Bill Schroyer at June 18, 2021 1:05 PM
“I've worked hard to resolve my issues;”
I think all of us would be interested to hear more about these “issues”
They could be a big part of the problem.
Isab at June 19, 2021 1:22 PM
Whoa, Mr. Yousef and Mr. Schroyer, I can just imagine the lives your partners live. Just looking for baby makers, huh, who will toe your line?
MouthyBroad at June 20, 2021 4:55 AM
Who are all these new weird posters?
NicoleK at June 20, 2021 10:39 AM
Um... Just the height alone cuts out about 90% of guys. 6' 1" is about the 90th percentile (I checked a few sources, all were between 89 and 91 percent in the US).
Now, you start getting to the taller more masculine side of things and tell me they went to get an advanced degree rather than spend time doing sports or athletics and you've got yourself down to a very small percentage of the population.
Oh, and let's not forget that the 10% or so of adult guys who qualify on height include guys ranging in age from 18-120... And probably a bunch who are also married or otherwise unavailable.
Average height is around 5'9" for men in the US... Only 4 inches shorter... How important are those four inches? If LW isn't incredibly tall, she probably won't even notice!
Anon at June 22, 2021 4:50 AM
I can't figure out why I'm having such a hard time finding a man. . . . I just want my match: someone who's smart, highly educated, equally successful or more so, attractive (tall -- at least 6-foot-1 -- and masculine), passionate, well-read, and a good person. What's wrong with me that, even with online dating, I rarely find men even in the ballpark of what I want?
So, why might you be having a hard time finding a man? Let's look at your requirements.
. smart: reduces the dating pool
. highly educated: significantly reduces the dating pool
. equally successful or more so: significantly reduces the dating pool
. attractive: significantly reduces the dating pool
. tall -- at least 6-foot-1: significantly reduces the dating pool
. masculine: reduces the dating pool
. passionate: reduces the dating pool
. well-read: reduces the dating pool
. good person: reduces the dating pool (but this is the one item you should not compromise on)
There's nothing wrong at sticking to your list if you feel you absolutely have to have all of those things. You just have to accept that you've reduced your pool of available men from an Olympic-sized pool to a kiddie pool with just about enough room for your feet.
JD at June 22, 2021 10:28 AM
Nicole: SO many women won't look at a guy under 5 ft 6.
I can understand a woman not being interested in a guy who's shorter than she is (although some women are able to overlook that.)
But what I don't understand is the need so many women appear to have for a man who's 3-4 (or more) inches taller than them. The LW, for example, wants a man who's 6'1" minimum. I bet she's 5'9" at best, maybe even shorter.
I suppose there's some reptilian brain reason for this (a man towering over me = physical security) but it just seems weird to me.
JD at June 22, 2021 10:58 AM
Bill S and Mansari are bitter divorced men who probably married someone young. Then, when her brain fully developed, she left for someone smarter or less petty. That’s my guess. Small men.
My mom was proposed to by every serious boyfriend she had. She held out until she was 36, I think. Married my dad, a Boeing aeronautical chief engineer, had me at 39. I’m 37 and get asked out by 20-somethings all the time. You’re fine. Ignore the trolls.
Mary at June 22, 2021 11:13 AM
Masers degree in what?
There's STEM as somebody mentioned earlier.
And then there's what could be achieved, parchment notwithstanding, by energetic use of a library card.
Difference might make a difference. Nothing wrong with the latter but selling it as if it were a cert of technical competence which makes money could be tough, especially to a holder of the former.
Why include "competitive"? You do what needs to be done. And what's "competitive" about that?
I've been exclusive more than fifty years. But, as I recall, back in the day, a woman could be feminine and still deal with what needed to be done and take no crap. Something to prove beyond that was a buzzkill, as it would be going the other way.
Richard Aubrey at June 23, 2021 5:07 PM
I think LW has small tits. No wonder she can't get married.
She will have to settle for a shorter guy, with skinny forearms.
BOTU at June 23, 2021 6:22 PM
With letters like this, one of the easiest ways to show the ridiculousness of it all is to simply reverse the gender.
Here is the "male version" of the exact same letter:
I am a 31-year-old man, and I can't figure out why I'm having such a hard time finding a woman. I am attractive (in good shape and considered handsome); have a master's degree; am successful in a competitive business; and I love to read and talk about news, history, and ideas. I have wonderful friends; I've worked hard to resolve my issues; and I do my best to be a kind person. I just want my match: someone who's smart, highly educated, equally successful or more so, attractive (big breasts -- at least 36D -- and feminine), passionate, well-read, and a good person. What's wrong with me that, even with online dating, I rarely find women even in the ballpark of what I want?
:)
rick at June 24, 2021 5:30 AM
Rick, if a guy had written that Amy would tell him to just be more confident, she's done it several times.
NicoleK at June 28, 2021 11:00 AM
Highly education probably doesn't reduce her dating pool much... if she's highly educated probably her social circle is, too, so she's only meeting highly educated guys to begin with.
6'1 is very tall, though.
NicoleK at June 28, 2021 11:02 AM
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