Bilk And Honey
I'm a 27-year-old guy. I'm short, and honestly, I'm not that physically attractive. I am nice, funny, and on the fast track in my career. My friends say bluntly that the more money I make the more women will be interested in me. I'm sure that's true, but I'm interested in falling in love, not just finding a gold digger. Advice?
--Ambitious
It would be nice if there were an easy way to identify the gold diggers -- like if they showed up for dates carrying a giant golden shovel instead of a handbag they got on sale at Marshalls.
The thing is, a man's earning power has an effect on kind, loving, generous women, too, to the point that Captain America hunko Chris Evans would likely see a major dive in his sex appeal if he were more, um, Captain Coat Hanger -- earning just enough to sleep on a futon in his friend's walk-in closet.
Guys sneer that women are shallow and terrible for caring about how much money men have, while many men would be just fine with dating a starving artist -- a seriously hot starving artist, that is.
There's some history -- evolutionary history -- that explains the looks versus income difference in the sexes' mating priorities. Ancestral women could get stuck with some bigtime costs from having sex: possibly going around pregnant for 9 months (with all the fun of digging for edible roots in between hurling from morning sickness) and then having a kid to drag around and feed. Ancestral men, however, could choose to put way less into in the reproducing thing -- just dispensing with a teaspoonful of sperm and maybe a parting grunt or two.
Men, in turn, evolved to prioritize hotness when seeking mates -- features like youth and an hourglass figure that suggest a particular lady would be a healthy, fertile candidate for passing on their genes. And while partner-seeking ladies of course appreciate a nice view, biologists Guanlin Wang and John Speakman write that women evolved to be more "sensitive to resources that can be invested (in) themselves and their offspring" -- as in whether a particular dude could bring home the bison or whatever.
Wang, Speakman, and their colleagues explored the impact of "resources" -- that is, a person's economic status -- on their physical appeal to the opposite sex. They showed research participants in China, the U.S., the U.K., and Lithuania a stack of cards with images of silhouetted bodies of the opposite sex with varying levels of attractiveness and had them rank the images from most attractive to least attractive. (The researchers converted the rankings to a scale of 1 to 9.)
Next, the researchers randomly assigned salary numbers to the body pix. They brought participants back -- at least a week later -- and again had them rate the attractiveness of the figures, but this time given the salary paired with each bod.
Upon tabulating their results, they found a major sex difference in how "responsive" the attractiveness ratings were to an increase in salary. If a man's salary increases by a factor of 10 -- if his salary becomes 10 times greater -- he goes up about 2 points (1.92 on average) on their 1-to-9 attractiveness scale. So, for example, a salary of $50,000 x 10 -- $500,000 -- gets a guy 2 points higher in hotness.
Meanwhile, in bummerific news for female honchos, for a woman to achieve that two-point hottitude bump, her salary would need to be multiplied by 10,000. In other words, a woman making $50K would have to make $500 million to be hotter in a man's eyes. (No problem...right, ladies? Just get yourself promoted from legal secretary to international drug lord.)
The researchers note that because men are "largely insensitive to cues indicating resources" in women, women have to make themselves "physically more attractive" to improve their mating prospects. Men, however, "can offset poor physical attractiveness, or further enhance existing good looks, by demonstrating their large levels of resources."
This does draw the gold diggers, but again, a woman doesn't have to be a gold digger to be attracted to a man with money. To protect yourself from those who only care about the money, look for "inner beauty," or what everybody's grandpa calls "character." Get to know her friends and family. And get to know who she is over time and across situations.
There are clever sociopaths who keep up appearances even when tested, but over time, they tend to reveal their true selves in small ways. By weeding out the rotten apples, you make space for a woman who sincerely cares about you -- and can't help but find you attractive in the right light, such as the recessed spotlights on your Gulfstream jet.
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.








Grandma Elizabeth has a question for this young man. How short is "short"? 5' 7" ? 5' 2" ? Peter Dinklage is 4' 4". Short is in the eye of the beholder.
A man's true measure is not the number of inches from sole of foot to crown of head. It is the love in his heart and the love he engenders in others. No matter your height, if a woman sees you as a giant among men, you are attractive.
Do the best with what you have. Be kind. Dress well, within your means. Always be clean and tidy. Find a scent you like and wear it but do not marinate yourself in it. Smile. Make friends before you make moves. Make her laugh.
Your friends are right. The more you make, the more SOME women will be interested in you. Those are NOT the women you would want in your life. Trust Grandma Elizabeth, she's saving you time and aggravation.
Grandma Elizabeth at September 4, 2019 12:50 PM
When you take your latest interest to dinner, observe how she treats the wait staff.
If she's kind, patient, and treats them well that's a good sign.
If she's rude, impatient, and treats them poorly, that's the sign to exit the date as expeditiously as possible.
How people treat others who are in no position to give them anything is an indicator of character, good or poor. If you get into a relationship, expect to be treated similarly.
Another tidbit: insist they treat you the way you want to treated from the start. Correct them gently, since they won't understand what it is they did that you find annoying. Explain why that bothers you. Reciprocate, since you will likely do the same.
If they persist, they don't respect you and expect you to sit and take it. Don't.
I R A Darth Aggie at September 4, 2019 1:37 PM
Peter Dinklage is 4' 4".
He's actually 6'7". Well, when he's standing on his pile of money. ;-)
I R A Darth Aggie at September 4, 2019 1:38 PM
Everything Grandma Elizabeth said, and...
If you don't want a gold digger, resist the temptation to flash your gold.
Instead of looking for a capital-G Girlfriend, look for a friend who happens to be a girl. There's a difference. Whoever said 'never date a friend' is probably divorced by now.
Not a "10" looks-wise? That's cool. Don't turn your nose up at girls-who-aren't-10s, though. Some of those gals may be as funny and nice as you.
Be a decent human being. That goes a long way with the right kind of people.
Rather than bars and pickup joints, try attending functions that revolve around what interests you. Meetup groups, adult ed, conventions are all examples. (I met my SO of over 30 years volunteering at a technology museum - we're both nerds.)
Learn to dance, be it ballroom, line, regency, hip-hop, club, or something else. Most guys won't dance, while most girls desperately want to. It could give you an advantage over the pretty-boys.
Finally, keep in mind that the kind of gal you're looking for would most likely prefer a plain-looking prince to a handsome douchebag.
WallaWallaWanda at September 8, 2019 5:42 AM
"A man does not insist on physical beauty in a woman who builds up his morale. After a while he realizes that she is beautiful -- he just hadn't noticed it at first."
--Robert Heinlein, "Time Enough for Love" (The Notebooks of Lazarus Long)
Grey Ghost at September 20, 2019 9:24 AM
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