Mourning Wood
My male neighbor was married to a wonderful woman for 15 years. She died, and he was grieving heavily for several months, telling my husband and me she was the love of his life and he didn't "know how to do life" without her, etc. Well, six months later, he was dating, and in less than a year, he's engaged to somebody new! I'm beginning to wonder if all his "I'm so grief-stricken" was just for show.
--Irate
The way you see it, he went through some Stages of Grief: 1) Wow, this is terrible and life-shattering. 2) Boobs!
However, it isn't surprising that you're "irate" at what you perceive to be a suspiciously speedy recovery. Evolutionary psychologist Bo Winegard and his colleagues believe grief evolved to be, among other things, a form of advertising. "Prolonged and costly" grief signals a person's "propensity" to develop deep emotional attachments to others. This, in turn, suggests they can be trusted as a friend, colleague, or romantic partner.
The reality is, there are individual differences in how people respond to loss that don't always square with widely held beliefs about how grief is "supposed" to work. These beliefs, explains grief researcher George Bonanno, "tend to create rigid parameters for 'proper' behavior that do not match what most people go through." They end up fostering doubt and suspicion about what's actually successful coping. "When we cast suspicion on a bereaved person just because we think she coped with death too well or got on with her life too quickly, we only make her loss more difficult to bear."
Understanding this, maybe you can try to be happy for the guy and support him in his new relationship. Don't assume that his finding new love means he's forgotten his late wife or no longer misses her. Consider, as Bonanno observes, that if somebody had a wonderful relationship, they may feel an acute void and long to have the wonderfulness back. And to be fair, there was some passage of time here. It's not like the guy was all up in his phone at the funeral, drying his tears in between swiping right on Tinder.
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
If I die before my husband does (very likely, I am 81 and Not Well), I hope he does find someone to love and the sooner the better. Any woman who says otherwise should let her husband find someone worthy to love NOW.
Grandma Elizabeth at August 14, 2019 3:34 AM
Grandma Elizabeth, hang in there and best wishes. I enjoy reading your posts here.
Of course, grief is different for everyone. It also depends on the circumstances -- how long was the wife ill, and what was she suffering from? Something I've seen several times in cases where the person who passed away was suffering from Alzheimer's, is that due to the nature of that disease, oftentimes the surviving loved one has already mentally said goodbye, and the actual death and funeral is simply putting the cap on it. The main emotion felt by the survivor at that point, especially if they've been the caretaker for the Alzheimer's patient, is relief.
Cousin Dave at August 14, 2019 6:21 AM
Absolutely Cousin Dave! My wife died after a long disabling illness. We both grieved together for years. Her death released her from years of suffering. While I think of her every day I still want to have someone in my life to care about.
The arrogance and self righteous smugness of the letter writer is amazing. How dare this man not grieve the way she thinks he should!
Jay at August 14, 2019 6:48 AM
"Irate" needs to get over it. People grieve in different ways.
My husband and I have been married for almost 15 years, and I'm pretty sure that if I died that he would be in a relationship, if not remarried, within a couple of years. That's not because he didn't love me or mourn me, but because he needs someone. (Plus, we live in a small town and the single ladies are like sharks here.)
Some people really need a life partner. If you'r happiest in a secure relationship that's what you'll seek.
ahw at August 14, 2019 10:47 AM
I lost my husband in June. i'm nowhere near ready to date again, but I've been on a lot of discussion boards with other widowers. The unbearable pain of loss, and the intense loneliness and need for human touch pushes a lot of people into quick turnaround relationships.
I suggest the letter writer should try to be compassionate. Grief is brutal, and judging people for how they go through it puts one more unnecessary burden on their already overloaded shoulders.
Peg Y at August 16, 2019 12:44 PM
I say otherwise, I'd want him to find someone new but he better be miserable and missing me a while first. Otherwise I will haunt his ass.
NicoleK at August 18, 2019 10:44 AM
"If I die before my husband does (very likely, I am 81 and Not Well), I hope he does find someone to love and the sooner the better. Any woman who says otherwise should let her husband find someone worthy to love NOW."
Dear lady, you are a treasure, and I am sure your guy knows that... because you know that love exists when the happiness of your partner is essential to your own. Best wishes.
Radwaste at August 20, 2019 10:56 PM
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