Ingrate Expectations
My husband and I attended his niece's wedding two years ago. Our gift was money earmarked to pay for their honeymoon. We were miffed that we never got either a thank-you note or any word that they'd actually used the money for a honeymoon. We recently got a note that they're expecting their first child. We sent a nice card but no gift, as we never got any response for our wedding gift. Yesterday, a custom card came in the mail, belatedly thanking us for our generous gift and telling us about their honeymoon. We suspect that they're realizing that wedding guests who didn't get thank-you notes are holding back on gift-giving for the baby. Should we buy them a baby gift, or should this be a time for tough love?
--Resentful
Sounds like you've discovered the gift-seeking couple version of the dude who abruptly stops returning a woman's texts, only to resurface weeks later at booty o'clock -- texting the 12:31 a.m. "Hey, whatchu doin'?"
Understandably, you and your husband weren't hot to seize the opportunity to go unthanked for another extravagant gift. Your reticence to fork over again to the unappreciative duo has a centuries and centuries-long history, coming out of the evolutionary need to distinguish cooperators from cheaters and freeloaders. Ancestral humans who let themselves get ripped off constantly would've had less access to vital resources like food and shelter, making them more likely to starve to death or become brunch for some wild animal and wind up genetic dead ends.
We humans evolved to have a built-in accounting team -- our drive for reciprocity, for fairness in what we give and get in return. Our emotions are reciprocity's worker bees, putting out feelbad (in the form of anger, resentment, humiliation, or sadness) when we get scammed. We're motivated to rid ourselves of those rotten feelings, which we do by trying to right the balance or at least avoid getting scammed again.
That said, in close relationships, we aren't looking for 50/50 reciprocity like in business. In this case, for example, a 55-cent first-class stamp on a thank you card would've done the job.
In other words, you're ultimately reacting to a lack of gratitude -- an emotion more vital to human connection than it gets credit for. Gratitude (in response to somebody's generosity) is an important display of what evolutionary psychologist Julian Lim and his colleagues call "social valuation": how much another person values our well-being. Their showing high valuation of our interests is ultimately a form of social insurance -- a sign that when the chips are down, they're more likely to be there for us.
When people don't seem to value our well-being highly enough, we get angry -- as you two did. I wrote in a recent column, referencing the work of evolutionary psychologist Aaron Sell, that anger is a "recalibrational emotion": an emotion that evolved to influence our own behavior as well as someone else's. Anger does its work through imposing costs -- like scaring people at the prospect of you going all crazypants on them -- and/or withdrawing benefits (in this case, future giftiepoos.)
Complicating matters, parents of some or many millennials haven't hammered them on the importance of thank-you notes the way parents (and grandparents) did with previous generations. Also, many millennials view writing messages in ink on paper and putting them in the mail as an exotic ancient practice, like paying cash or having a CD collection.
Granted, in this instance, you don't say you required a thank-you on monogrammed card stock. You were just looking for a little acknowledgment, a little connection with the newlyweds, like a texted picture or two from their honeymoon, maybe with a "Thanks for this awesome love-cation." That's not exactly unreasonable.
But to view these two more charitably, you might want to consider the effects of millennial culture. Culture is, simply put, what lots of people in a group do. Cultural attitudes are contagious, meaning they spread from person to person. In other words, the millennial cultural environment may contribute to good and kind nieces and their new husbands shrugging off rituals important to human psychology and coming off as rotten little ingrates.
Consider that they did ultimately end up thanking you -- albeit belatedly. Taking the cynical view, maybe they just wanted baby loot. But if you believe they may have learned their lesson, you might be inspired to take a chance -- splurge on that crib with the attached day spa, the Tesla of baby strollers, or robo-siblings to tide the kid over until Mommy and Daddy make human ones for him to blame and terrorize.
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
Do you otherwise hang out with them, see them, hear from them, exchange letters via paper or electronics?
IE do you have a relationship with them
NicoleK at December 10, 2019 10:47 AM
I tend to agree with NicoleK -- how close is the LW with the niece and her husband? Are they people they'd be ordinarily expected to buy presents for? Would LW like to send her niece a gift? Is keeping score (which is what this is) really all that important?
Old RPM Daddy (OldRPMDaddy@GMail.com) at December 11, 2019 5:52 AM
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...
My first wedding (long before you good people were born) was held in my parents' home. Gifts were brought to my parents' bedroom and any envelopes with money or checks were supposed to be put into a large box.
Just after the wedding, my mother and new mother-in-law quickly scurried off together. About five minutes later I went to the bedroom and there were the two women opening the cards and screeching about how miserly Aunt Mildred or Aunt Miriam was to give me X dollars when SHE gave their daughter Y (much more) for HER wedding.
They were STILL screaming when they saw me in the room. I took the envelopes and box from them and realized I didn't need to have much to do with these women for the rest of my life.
I never did and don't regret it.
Grandma Elizabeth at December 11, 2019 7:40 AM
It’s ridiculous to call this situation “keeping score”. Expressing gratitude for a gift is not cultural or generational, it’s human decency. LW is correct, the thank you card came in the mail when the gifts dried up - typical millennial response. I think LW should send a card and SMALL but very thoughtful gift for the baby. Then, if a thank you arrives after THAT gift, LW will know that the niece had truly learned her lesson. If not, LW will know that it was all about the bling.
Jeff at December 12, 2019 8:13 AM
Jeff, you are absolutely spot on with your thoughts. Thank you letters or cards are simply polite! No need to agonize further. This has a nothing to do with “keeping score”; it is just good manners to write in acknowledgement of a gift.
If I were LW I would send a copy of one of my favorite children’s books and agonize no further. Then sit down with a nice cup of tea! A good cuppa can resolve almost any dilemma.
Via at December 12, 2019 11:08 PM
I'm actually amazed that they were even invited to the wedding in the first place.
When my nephew was married three years ago, he did not invite ANY family members except his mom/dad/brothers/sister. His bride did the same thing on her side. No aunts/uncles or any other relations at all. However, they did invite over 500 of their friends and did have quite an elaborate wedding and reception.
The best way to describe it is that it is a variation of today's "cancel culture." That is, if someone determines that you have no value to them (financial or otherwise), then you simply "do not exist" to them.
rick at December 13, 2019 6:48 AM
Humm. With the old time family weddings usually a cousin or another not so close member of the brides entourage would keep track of the gifts so the appropriate thank you could be sent to the right person. It was the duty of the Maid of Honor to help the bride with the thank you notes.
I don’t know what was going on here since the gift recipients were aware of exactly what was received for the wedding, obviously someone kept track. Hence, the belated thank you.
I can forgive no thank you note easier than the belated gift fishing.
I can’t even estimate how much of my various neighbors mail I have received over the last few years, and then the stuff that the post office simply failed to deliver at all?
There are innocent explanations for an occasional lost of neglected thank you note.
When my husband and I got married, we were living in Germany, married in Denmark. No guests, just us, and a Danish justice of the Peace.
The APO system was notoriously unreliable. We sent several gifts to the US from Germany which were never received. I assume stolen, in route.
Don’t know how many of the mailed gifts to me I did not receive, because we had letters and packages go missing all the time.
I can tell you I received at least six sets of ugly placemats, sets of four, all different and equally bland because they were light and cheap to mail. I was thankful for the checks. ( You send a check and it isn’t cashed, or was sent to a bank in Nigeria, you can assume that something happened)
It was 1981 so there was no email, or cheap phone calls to confirm anything. Called my parents once a week, and wrote them letters regularly.
So, think the best of your intimate friends and relatives, and try to do an independent check like a phone call or email to see that the gift actually was received. If you are not in social contact with distant relatives or former friends who solicit gifts for their big occasions, feel free to ignore, or send a card or token gift.
Isab at December 13, 2019 1:32 PM
The niece and her husband are gift-grubbers. Sending announcements to people they've had zero contact with for two years? (Thank note or no?) This was no heartfelt sharing of personal joy to people they feel close to; rather, it's "you are hereby notified stuff and/or dough is expected."
Naw.
Treadwell at December 13, 2019 2:59 PM
Another angle on gifting and thank yous.
My husband once was unfortunate enough to have a wicked stepmother. This woman moved in and took over my FIL’s life when my husband was an adult and our children were small. She made various attempts to freeze us out and in large part succeeded. One of the tactics that seemed to work the best was to portray us all as a bunch of ingrates, by tossing gifts, cards, pictures and thank you notes for grandpa that came when she was the one picking up the mail.
Isab at December 13, 2019 10:42 PM
Isab,
Please tell us the ending of that sad story. What eventually happened to this wicked stepmother?
Also, how did the theft of the gifts, cards, pictures, and notes finally come to light?
Granny Lizzie LOVES a happy ending, which may only happen in the lowermost depths of hell, but still...
Grandma Elizabeth at December 14, 2019 6:05 AM
Please tell us the ending of that sad story. What eventually happened to this wicked stepmother?
Also, how did the theft of the gifts, cards, pictures, and notes finally come to light?
Granny Lizzie LOVES a happy ending, which may only happen in the lowermost depths of hell, but still...
Grandma Elizabeth at December 14, 2019 6:05 AM
Well fortunately my family was the least affected by it. We lived 850 miles away. It ended as all these stories do. Grandpa died in 2013 and the Jackbooted Nazi sold the house in Minnesota and moved to Florida with all of grandpas money so she could leave it to her own children from a previous marriage.
We compared notes with the BIL who lived in the area. She was never confronted about the thefts. We just started calling grandpa or the BIL to see If he had received stuff, and took him things in person. You don’t win these things. Smart people avoid fighting over this.
Isab at December 14, 2019 10:02 AM
Hmm... doesn't sound like gramps had much money or assets.
Jasper at December 17, 2019 7:48 AM
Hmm... doesn't sound like gramps had much money or assets.
Jasper at December 17, 2019 7:48 AM
He was a retired two star general. He did ok.
Isab at December 17, 2019 1:15 PM
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