I'm a 30-year-old woman in a new relationship with a really great guy. I haven't been very lucky in romance, and in the past, every time I met someone I really liked, I ended up getting the rug pulled out from under me and getting dumped when I thought things were going great. This has left me with some raging insecurities. How can I calm down so I won't get so freaked out that I sabotage the relationship?

--Panicky

It's good to let your partner know you don't take him for granted, though ideally not by waking up every morning all excited he's (still) there: "Wow, can't believe you didn't sneak out, fake your death, and move to Belize!"

The Stoic philosopher Epictetus said something along the lines of, "It is not events that disturb us but the views we take of them." In other words, it is not what happens to us that makes us feel bad but our interpretation of it. Chances are your interpretation is that it would be HORRIBLE if you were to get dumped again. Psychologist Albert Ellis calls this "catastrophizing": engaging in irrational, overblown, drama llama thinking that only serves to make us more miserable. Rational thought, however, is the face-slap out of hysteria that we used to see in old movies. An example of the rational approach: There are "HORRIBLE" things in the world, like being eaten alive by a family of bears. But let's be honest: Being dumped is merely a miserable experience you'd prefer to avoid. You will survive.

Research by psychologist Lauren C. Howe suggests a person's interpretation of their breakup is key to their ability to recover from it. She finds that people who cast their breakup as a learning experience, viewing it as an opportunity for personal growth and better relationships in the future, are less chewed up by romantic rejection and less likely to suffer "lasting damage" in its wake. Sure, as Ellis says, we all "prefer" to avoid breakups and other painful experiences. Unfortunately, "experience is the best teacher" does not include the experience of being clonked over the head by a chunk of wisdom that falls out of a passing plane along with a child's car seat and a gift-wrapped blender.

For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.