Crone's Disease
I'm a straight single woman nearing 50. My best friends are a lesbian couple. I'm going to get some nonsurgical skin tightening on my face, and they got very judgmental about it: "We think you're beautiful as you are." Next, it was "What if it goes wrong?" and "Will you keep getting procedures till you don't look like you?" I ended up crying and then getting really angry. First of all, it's my face. Secondly, I don't think they understand the pressure on straight single women to look young and beautiful. Thirdly, I think my friends should support me in my decisions even if they don't agree with them. Am I wrong?
--Upset
I'm 55. Eventually, if a man catcalls me, I'll go over and give him a dollar.
So I do understand the desire for dermatological intervention -- in lieu of a little windup thingy behind your neck that you could crank to tighten the face flesh. That said, your friends probably feel they have a right (and maybe even a mandate) to tell you what to do -- probably because they're trying to look out for you. The problem is, criticizing people doesn't make them want to change; it makes them want to clobber the person doing the criticizing. And this seems to be the case whether that person is giving unsolicited advice to a friend or muttering "Dude...seriously on the 24-pack of doughnuts?" to that stout stranger in the supermarket.
This happens because our brain's threat response system is a little primitive. A central player in it is the amygdala -- a pair of lima bean-shaped neuron clusters -- which makes split-second decisions about whether we're in danger. Unfortunately, to your amygdala, an attack is an attack -- which is to say, a verbal attack triggers the same bodily responses as a physical attack. Your adrenaline surges, your heart pumps like crazy, and blood gets shunted away from your reasoning center and to your extremities. This gets you into the perfect bodily state to bolt or punch your attacker in the nose -- a state that's not exactly helpful for one's social survival.
Tell your busybody friends that it means a lot that they care about you, but that their context -- as two nesting lesbians -- is not your context as a single straight woman careening toward 50. Set a boundary: Explain that you want their advice on your appearance only if you ask for it. You could also ask them to be supportive of you -- even if they aren't on board with the steps you're taking -- simply on the grounds that you're trying to improve yourself and go after what you want. It's nice when your photo on a dating site makes some man reminisce about a classic beauty from his youth -- but not when it's his grandma's prized Hermes alligator clutch.
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
Yes, do the adult thing, as Amy suggests. They have a right to know that they are crossing a boundary, albeit with good intentions. They are trying to remind you that there may be negative consequences from the procedure, and you just need to remind them that your mind is made up and you would like their support. I've seen 20-year friendship end over something very similar, and it's tragic. The person in your position could simply have communicated needs.
Jeff Landon at May 12, 2019 8:08 AM
Don't tell your friends.
NicoleK at May 12, 2019 9:56 AM
Giving unsolicited advice to another adult is just about always a bad idea, since it generally is, and comes across as, a form of being disrespectful of the advisee's judgment. But the letter makes it sound like the writer may have seemed to be inviting a discussion rather than announcing her considered decision. The bad communication was perhaps because she was really soliciting unconditional support. But demanding unconditional support without explaining oneself is itself often inappropriately crossing another line.
johnspm at May 14, 2019 9:12 AM
Also stop hanging out with dykes. They don't like to see straight women get dick, unless it's from a strap-on they're wearing.
viggernirous at May 14, 2019 5:23 PM
Amy, you don't need a man to catcall you. If you mean come over to you, smile, and start a conversation, you will have that power until you die. I will be 82 soon and still get approached. I asked a man friend why he thinks this happens. He said, "You look like the kind of woman who makes sure the man in her life is having a wonderful time. You generate a state of heat."
Amy, you look like that, too.
My 85 year old Aunt Leah married a wonderful 49 year old man about 30 years ago. They had 20 great years---and she outlived him ! He said he wished he had married her when he was 18.
Upset, my dear, the only reason to have plastic surgery is YOU want it. I can never have surgery (have an unusual autoimmune disease; anaethesia might kill me). I also learned the useful phrase, "Thanks. Do remember that you get input but no vote."
Grandma Elizabeth at May 15, 2019 6:19 PM
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