Taking Care Of Buzzness
I've been in recovery from drugs for six years, and I had to set a boundary with an old friend who's abusing drugs again and lying to me and using me. I kept trying to help him, but all the lying and scamming was just too much. I finally blocked him on my phone -- as I knew I had to. So why do I feel so bad about it?
--Been There
A guy will insist he's clean, tell you he's finally just "high on life"-- a state which...hmmm...doesn't usually involve shouting matches with the curtains.
Your feelbad about saying no to any further convos with this guy actually has some ancient roots. Ancestral humans lived in a seriously harsh environment, so we evolved to cooperate -- to work together and help each other -- making it less likely we'd starve to death and/or get eaten by lions. But people don't always put out a memo listing their needs, so how do we know when to help? Well, welcome to the evolution of empathy, our tuning into others' emotions and "catching" what they're feeling (to some degree).
Unless you're a sociopath or a sex robot, empathy rises up automatically, as does its sister state, compassion. Compassion, as I define it in "Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck," is "empathy with an action plan" -- motivating us to want to do something to help when we see a person suffering.
In other words, your emotional overlords have been pinging you, alerting you that somebody's in distress, and unfortunately, reason (as usual!) is late to the party. That's to be expected, because reason is what cognitive scientists call an "effortful process," in contrast with the automatic "Awww, poor you!" of empathy. Get reason out of bed and use it to remind yourself that you weren't helping this guy; you were enabling him -- "protecting (him) from the consequences of his behavior" (as they put it at HazeldonBettyFord.com). Sure, there may come a time when he's ready to "say no to drugs," but right now, he and drugs are having some very interesting conversations and may even start a podcast.
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
As someone who used to have a bit of a savior complex, and after having had a couple of close calls, I reached a point where I had to adopt a slogan: "Don't let a sinking ship drag you down with it". It's a harsh reality, but the fact is I'm not a professional therapist, and I suspect that the LW isn't either, and there's only so much you can do. Admittedly it's not easy to make the call sometimes between "We can bail this out" and "Time to get to the lifeboat".
But having your survival instincts tap you on the shoulder is one thing; having them hit you over the head with a hammer is another. In the latter case, it's time to start paying attention. You'll notice that most Medal of Honor recipients receive that award posthumously.
Cousin Dave at May 23, 2019 6:34 AM
You feel bad about it because your inner kindergartner was attentive during "How to be a good friend 101”.
That was a prerequisite class we all had to take...most pass. Looks like you did, so congrats!
However, its follow-up, "How to maintain a healthy relationship 201” is an elective. Most don't take it, and the few that do have a hard time passing because it's unsupervised, there's no textbook, syllabus, or instructor, and it's college level. On top of that it's difficult as f**k because much of it (e.g., boundaries) contradicts what you learned in the 101 class. (It also doesn't look pretty to an outside observer). You're not a bad friend...you just went from sandlot level to varsity level friend. Good for you!
To quote my late father, if it was easy, everyone would do it. And you're doing it, so feel proud about that, because I'm proud of you.
Taylor at May 23, 2019 8:08 AM
When I got sober, I had to leave some friends behind. Hanging out with them would have made it much easier to slip back into my old ways.
The best thing you can do for your friend is stay straight and live a good life. He will know who to come to if he is ever ready "say no to drugs".
Steamer at May 23, 2019 10:56 AM
Leave a comment