Complain Crash
My 22-year-old son's new girlfriend is extremely pretty. She has a great figure and dresses to show it off, so I understand the attraction. However, she's also spoiled, lazy, and kind of a scam artist. (She bragged about cheating a small business.) I pointed out her shortcomings to my son, but he refused to listen and even defended her. Can I get him to end it without being the overbearing mother?
--Upset Mom
Though you see only flaws, your son sees a lot in this woman: BOOOOOOOBS!
It's natural you'd want to scold him away from a train wreck with cleavage, same as you'd save him from a speeding car about to turn him into a human hood ornament. However, telling him all the reasons this woman's awful -- which amounts to pressuring him to dump her -- is exactly the wrong thing to do. Consider Romeo and Juliet (and let's momentarily forget they were fictional characters). As teen love goes, I suspect they would've gotten bored and cheated on each other in under a month if their parents hadn't been all, "We forbid you to see that Montague knave/that Capulet tramp!"
When our freedom of choice -- our freedom to do as we want -- is threatened (even just by people trying to persuade us to change our ways), it triggers a motivational state that social psychologist Jack Brehm called "reactance." Reactance is a form of rebellion -- a "reaction" against control, energizing a person to resist, to keep engaging in the behavior they're being pressed to stop. Reactance can even strengthen the person's resolve -- increase their desire for whatever (or whomever) somebody's urging them to part company with. Basically, by telling your son all the reasons he should dump this woman, you turn him into the pro bono defense attorney for her humanitarianism -- like how she, um...um...runs a rescue for designer handbags!
Character doesn't always seem important in a partner until a person gets knocked around by somebody with some big vacancies in that department. In other words, if you want your son to dump this ethically elastic chickie, the ideal thing to say is nothing. Let him marinate in her bad character. Hard as it will be to keep mum, you might try to view him as midway through the natural recovery process in the wake of contracting a nasty parasite -- one that's 5-foot-7 and blonde with window-sized Gucci sunglasses you suspect she lifted from some distracted wealthy lady's restaurant table.
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
I know of three marriages which went sour when all the family of the woman were saying NOOOOOO. Pushed them together.
Tried to track one of the women down for a reunion of our group. Mentioned to a guy in her hometown who was an uncle. "Billy,", he said, "that son of a bitch. He was never the marrying type. Don't know what she saw in him."
Lasted a year and she--this is about fifty years later, she's never remarried.
But she was being told and told and told.... She was pretty bright and grounded. Until she pulled out a picture of Billy and sounded like a moon-struck jr. hi. kid.
Richard Aubrey at May 25, 2020 10:21 AM
I know of three marriages which went sour when all the family of the woman were saying NOOOOOO. Pushed them together.
Tried to track one of the women down for a reunion of our group. Mentioned to a guy in her hometown who was an uncle. "Billy,", he said, "that son of a bitch. He was never the marrying type. Don't know what she saw in him."
Lasted a year and she--this is about fifty years later, she's never remarried.
But she was being told and told and told.... She was pretty bright and grounded. Until she pulled out a picture of Billy and sounded like a moon-struck jr. hi. kid.
Richard Aubrey at May 25, 2020 10:21 AM
I know of three marriages which went sour when all the family of the woman were saying NOOOOOO. Pushed them together.
Tried to track one of the women down for a reunion of our group. Mentioned to a guy in her hometown who was an uncle. "Billy,", he said, "that son of a bitch. He was never the marrying type. Don't know what she saw in him."
Lasted a year and she--this is about fifty years later, she's never remarried.
But she was being told and told and told.... She was pretty bright and grounded. Until she pulled out a picture of Billy and sounded like a moon-struck jr. hi. kid.
Richard Aubrey at May 25, 2020 10:21 AM
What happened?
Richard Aubrey at May 25, 2020 4:15 PM
Don't you just hate it when you mean to post once and end up posting two or more times?
Publius Quibbleworth at May 26, 2020 11:44 AM
I find that sometimes I get an error message implying that what I wrote wasn't posted, so post again, only to find multiple posts.
Publius Quibbleworth at May 26, 2020 11:46 AM
I think this site is not well designed. I’ve had the same multiple-posting problem — on the first attempt, I get no feedback from the page, so I re-submit, and suddenly there are two copies of it.
Jeff at May 26, 2020 12:40 PM
You have to let your son learn his lessons on his own. He's earned that right by virtue of being alive this long.
Some of those lessons will be exceptionally painful. This is shaping up to be one of those. But as much as you told him "this is hot", it wasn't until he burned himself did he really learn what hot was.
I R A Darth Aggie at May 27, 2020 11:03 AM
Let your son have his young hot monkey sex times. Those opportunities will stop coming one day, and he can compartmentalize the better memories of her from the crazy ones in his later years.
Treadwell at June 13, 2020 7:22 PM
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