My Fare Lady
I've been dating a guy for just over a month. He's asked me to go with him to an out-of-state wedding (across the country) several weeks from now, but he didn't mention buying me a plane ticket. I think he should buy it because he invited me. Am I expecting too much?
--Unsure
Chances are he doesn't expect you to mail yourself in a really big crate or saddle up Hortense the limping mule and meet him there -- just in time for the divorce party.
Should you pick up the tab for your ticket? I don't think so -- and not just because the guy invited you as his guest. Destination weddings in exotic places (or simply faraway weddings in dull and unglamorous locales) are not vacations. They are social obligations, big life events that are reinforced by the presence of witnesses.
Having the community as an "audience" to a marriage ceremony is thought by Matthijs Kalmijn and other sociologists to help reinforce a couple's lifelong commitment. The ceremony is typically followed by an open bar, some fancy grub, and a Beyonce cover band so the wedding is attended by more than the bride and groom's teary-eyed relatives and a homeless guy who snuck in looking for free hooch.
Don't let this question fester in your mind to the point that you're tempted to snarl at the guy, "Hey, tightwad, you planning to pay for my ticket or what?!" Ask right away, something like: "What's the transportation situation? How are we getting to the wedding?" Assuming he doesn't generally seem weirdly stingy, there's a good chance he's planning to buy your ticket but didn't think to make it clear. There are a number of reasons a person spends hundreds of dollars on a plane ticket, and it's generally not so they can eat free cake with a bunch of strangers on the other side of the country.
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Hmm, when a couple go on a trip together, don't they usually share the costs? While I can certainly understand why she wouldn't want to fork out money to attend the wedding of two total strangers, I'm not sure he's obligated to buy her plane ticket. And what about the other costs, such as accommodations, meals, etc - is he supposed to pay for all of those things, too?
Personally, I would advise against going out of town with someone you've been dating for only a month; at that point you barely know them. And I don't recommend attending a wedding with a new bf/gf, regardless of where it is, because it's just awkward as fuck. She should probably just sit this one out.
Erica at December 26, 2019 10:42 PM
I don't think it's unreasonable to ask BF to pay for LW's airfare to a Destination Wedding if LW's a +1. If the wedding goes south and is cancelled, the financial risk shouldn't be on the LW...a stranger to the wedding couple.
[If LW's relationship to the couple was such that she would have been invited independently of the BF, then yeah, split the travel expenses.]
LW could offer to pay for some incidentals, though (meals, etc.) out of consideration for the BF.
As for whether LW should attend with such a new BF, that's a different issue.
In my day, going to a wedding as someone's date implied a certain level of seriousness about the relationship (somewhat more than casual, but not quite going steady). That may not be the case any more.
WallaWallaWanda at December 27, 2019 12:49 PM
I agree that it is probably too soon for LW to attend a wedding with this guy.
That being said, the general rule is that the person who invites, pays. He didn’t even mention the topic of expenses, which I think is a bit thoughtless. It could even be a red flag - I wonder if he’s hoping for “something to happen”, and wants to minimize his expenses.
Jeff at December 27, 2019 1:37 PM
This guy is trying to reduce his cost to attend this wedding because he isn't quite sure of the talent attending the wedding.a great hedge bet in my opinion.
Jasper at December 29, 2019 4:37 PM
This reminds me of the time I just started dating a 50 year old stand up comedian who lived in NY (I was 28). He suggested I fly to NY for 4th of July weekend on rather short notice, plane tickets were almost $600. When I asked him how I should go about buying the ticket, he said, "Do you really not know how to buy a plane ticket?" I bought it, assuming he'd reimburse me. He didn't. The sex wasn't great either
Anonymous at June 15, 2020 11:03 AM
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