Fifty Shades Of Go Away
I'm the female author of a funny memoir about sex addiction and relationships. Unfortunately, I now have male readers asking me on dates via email, even if they don't live in this country! To put it politely, few are men I'd ever be interested in. Also, it feels creepy to be asked out because somebody read all about my sex life. How do I kindly turn them down?
--Disturbed
Some will say you should be flattered that these men are showing interest. These people don't quite get that men hitting on you because they read your sex addiction memoir are appealing on the level of a barista who hits on you by drawing a penis and a question mark in your latte.
As for your observation that most of these guys are attempting to date out of their league, men actually seem to have evolved to try to do that -- to be all "As I see it, those Victoria's Secret Angels just haven't met the right chronically unemployed, creatively hygienic neckbeard who still lives with his mother."
This seemingly delusional overconfidence in men on the prowl aligns with how evolutionary psychologists Martie Haselton and David Buss observe that both men and women seem to have evolved to sometimes perceive the world inaccurately -- seeing our opportunities or potential danger in beneficially distorted ways. This sometimes involves over-perception -- erring on the side of seeing more than what's actually there -- and it sometimes involves under-perception, seeing less than what's actually there.
Because, for a woman, having sex can lead to nine months of soccer ball-like ankles and other pregnancy fun, plus (eventually) a child to feed, women seem to have evolved a protective bias toward underperceiving men's level of commitment. Men, on the other hand, have a chance to pass on their genes every time they have sex. So they tend to have a sexual-overperception bias -- seeing signs of mere friendliness or even utter apathy as "This babe wants me! Yepperoo. Hot for bridge troll!"
That's probably what's going on here -- men erring on the side of "ya never know!" Let them down with dignity. Treat them as if they have value as men and human beings, with something like "I wish I could, but I'm sorry to say, I have a firm policy that I never date readers." But perhaps a better first option would be to answer only the part of the email about the book, totally ignoring the part where they gracefully ask you out: "I really enjoyed your book, and now I'd like to enjoy you!"
Set up a pay pal account, and tell them you will go out to coffee with them one afternoon to get to know them once they give you enough cash to afford to fly out to the region they live in and back as well as hotel accommodations for your visit and a per diem to afford to eat for the few days you are there
If the coffee date goes well they can do the same for each subsequent date
lujlp at February 5, 2019 2:57 PM
"I wish I could, but I'm sorry to say, I have a firm policy that I never date readers."
"You mean you only date illiterate men?"
"NO, you idiot! I mean MY readers!"
Fayd at February 5, 2019 7:20 PM
I think a simple "No, thanks," would suffice as an answer, and it would hopefully install a sense of shame in people such as those who would pathetically crawl after a random woman simply because she used to have a hyperactive sex life.
mpetrie98 at February 5, 2019 8:39 PM
@mpetrie98:
Yer new here, ain't ya?!?
bkmale at February 6, 2019 6:39 AM
Why answer their emails at all? Essentially they are spam.
sofar at February 6, 2019 4:19 PM
Your book is a litany of your past poor decisions. To most of the wrong sort of men, that's like catnip.
A friend who grew up in a country where circumstances forced people to be far more pragmatic than in the US constantly shook his head about what he saw here. He would often wonder out loud why so many men foolishly found evidence of poor decisions so attractive in women. I responded that they hoped to be the next poor decision.
bw1 at February 7, 2019 5:12 PM
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