Tents Situation
I read in Bon Appetit about this woman who takes all her dates to Olive Garden to see whether they judge her when she pockets all the leftover breadsticks. Okay, whatever. But what I wanna see is whether somebody's a good person. What kind of dates do you suggest for determining a potential boyfriend's character and values?
--Concerned Woman
People often say you can discover a person's true character from how they treat the waiter. And sure, rudeness to a waiter is a red flag, but it isn't like we easily identify the sociopaths among us because they summon the server referee-style, by blowing a whistle.
It helps to consider the roots of good behavior -- moral behavior, that is: why people are good to other people. Evolutionary cognitive scientists Dan Sperber and Nicolas Baumard explain that "People may behave morally because they intrinsically value doing so -- a genuine moral reason -- or in order to gain the approval of others." But there's a complication: We all care about our reputation and doing things that put us in the best light, which is to say both the worst people and the best people behave better when they know they're being watched.
A person's true character will come out over time. But there's a way to speed up the dirtbag detection process: observe a person's behavior under harsh conditions. In other words, consider getting kidnapped and held hostage together by the Albanian mob -- or, if that's a little impractical for you, go camping or even just hike some challenging trail. When the chips are down (like if you get injured), that's when you see: Is he there for you, or is he the type to leave you to die in the wilderness? "I'd totally make a tourniquet for you, but this is a $400 Burberry shirt. Good luck!"
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
Suggestion: Visit an Escape Room. How does your date handle accomplishing a vague task under a deadline? How do they handle solving (or not solving) the puzzles therein? Do they mope? Gloat? Shut down? Laugh it off? Rally the team? Run roughshod over everyone? Blame the world? Take all the credit? Cheer everyone on?
While we're at it, how do YOU handle the task?
I'm not saying this should be your ONLY test for lifemate-fitness, but seeing how someone acts in a stressful situation can be illuminating.
Taylor at June 21, 2019 7:31 AM
I’ve always thought that it would be great to date “backwards.” First, work on a project together: yardwork, cooking, remodeling, etc. to see if you can work together. If you stay together, you will have to be able to work together. After all, this would be the majority of the tasks as a couple yet it is one of the last things we do as daters.
Then have sex to see if you are compatible in bed, meet the friends, and go on a romantic date.
Jen at June 21, 2019 10:21 AM
While it may be difficult to put a particular person into a situation where you get to know them without dating them, you will get to know more people and know more about them if you get involved.
So...the judo club. If you have a part-time job in college, try to get one involving being in real space with real people. Community service projects. There is a business which will tell you how much it will cost to put up a playscape, sell you the stuff, tell you how many locals will be necessary down to the number of child care folks. Seeing who does what, and how, and with what composure or not would be valuable.
When I was in college above fifty years ago, I discovered the sororities were running a child care project in a challenged neighborhood. Figured they needed a guy. Still married to one of them.
Likely the most important part of it is that few people are "on" in the sense of trying to be attractive, or socially competent. They're trying to do something else. Doesn't mean they're not paying attention but when something comes up...you learn about them.
Richard Aubrey at June 21, 2019 12:11 PM
Traveling, especially to a new place is moderately stressful. Try doing that. Getting to the plane on time, security scans, boarding, finding the hotel, finding transportation to the hotel, etc. are all likely to reveal one's true personality.
I always thought the Bachelor/Bachelorette series was bogus for putting people in idyllic destinations that they would at most visit for 2 weeks out of the year, and maybe not ever.
Instead they should put them on the plane together and see how they get along after a 12-15 hr flight, when they are tired, sleepy, grumpy and look lousy.
Doobie Doo at June 23, 2019 10:45 PM
"What kind of dates do you suggest for determining a potential boyfriend's character and values? "
I'd suggest a double date, and ask the other couples guy what he thinks, and actually listen. One problem with the "how they treat the waiter" is peoples opinion are too colored by how hot their date is to really notice.
Joe j at June 29, 2019 5:51 PM
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