The Bedder Business Bureau
I'm a woman with a male business partner. He just got a new girlfriend, and he pretty much goes MIA whenever he goes to visit her. It can take him up to two days to return my phone calls, and I'll have to call or text two or three times to get him to respond. (I'm contacting him about business, not social stuff.) He is usually -- well, used to be -- very available by phone. His disappearing act when he's with the girlfriend is really annoying and detrimental to our business and, frankly, pretty disrespectful. I've made jokes about it, but nothing's changed. Help.
--Annoyed
"Hello, Search and Rescue? Can you send out a team? I think my business partner is lost in his girlfriend's pants."
Tempting as it must be to blast your partner for constantly leaving you in the telephonic lurch, you'd be better off simply telling him that it feels really crappy to have your calls and texts go ignored for days; you feel disrespected. Research by social psychologist C. Daniel Batson and his colleagues suggests that we have an evolved motivation to try to alleviate others' pain, to help other humans who are struggling emotionally (or are otherwise in need). However, there's a caveat: If a person's pain or need is expressed with an attack on our behavior, we're likely to go into fight-back mode instead of "there, there, lemme see what I can do to make things better" mode.
As for why you have yet to get through to him, you write, "I've made jokes about it, but nothing's changed." Jokes are just the thing if you're putting on a show with a two-drink minimum; not so much if you're trying to communicate your needs (especially to a man). The same goes for hints. Instead, opt for healthy assertiveness -- from the start. Figure out what you need -- how soon you'd like to have a callback -- and then express that.
You may not get exactly the timetable you want, but this at least opens up a discussion: "Call you back within three hours?" he responds -- countering with "Ehh...how about five hours?" You should ultimately find this approach vastly more productive than going snarky and, say, suggesting that he and his girlfriend make love like they do in the movies -- specifically, the video in which Paris Hilton answers the phone in the middle of having sex.
He goes mia when he visits her
sounds like complaining he doesn’t work weekends and vacations. If so not feeling the sympathy
Joe j at March 27, 2019 5:46 AM
He's a business partner, not an employee. You don't get weekends and vacations when you own a business.
Rex Little at March 27, 2019 7:10 AM
"You don't get weekends and vacations when you own a business."
That depends upon the type of business and how well you run it.
bw1 at March 27, 2019 6:40 PM
It doesn't matter what the business is, or if he's a subordinate/equal/superior. It's about being on the same page protocol-wise.
Forget jokes/hints...have a conversation BEFORE he leaves to see GF:
LW: Hey , if I need to reach you while you're out, how should I contact you?
BP: ("email" "text" "cell" "pneumatic tube" or whatever.)
LW: OK, and how long should I wait for a reply?
BP: ("1 hour" "10 minutes" "until 6pm" or whatever.)
LW: And if I need your input before then, what's the plan?
BP: ("do your best without me" "I'll handle it when I get back")
LW: And you'll support me... no throwing me under the bus if something blows up in our faces, right?
[If he doesn't say yes, now you have to have a different conversation.]
[Likewise, if he says "keep calling/texting until you reach me" then your response is "Well that's not practical because it hasn't worked in the past and it wastes MY time. We need a better strategy."]
[The nature of the job (specifically, its expectations of off-duty availability) has some bearing, though. A bus-boy needn't be held to the same standard as a covering physician.]
Taylor at March 28, 2019 8:19 AM
I wish that headline had read, "The Bed-her Business Bureau."
jamie at April 1, 2019 8:29 PM
They are business PARTNERS, correct?
Unless it is a critical decision, and even if it is, why is she bothering him instead of HANDLING IT HERSELF.
(From the tone, it sounds like he is the money and she is the plucky poor person with the idea and the drive. Could be wrong)
This solves itself very easily. She tries to make a good faith effort to reach him (call it three calls or texts) and if he doesn't respond, SHE MAKES THE DECISION.
And if he doesn't like it, well, did you check your call log, buddy?
As soon as he gets the sense that he is being edged out of the business decisions, or the business is starting to fail because of his lack of participation, he'll get his wake up call.
**
But on the other hand, off time is OFF TIME. LW does not 'own' his time (and I would be VERY curious to see how many times she bothered him per day pre-gf vs post-gf...just out of scientific curiosity. Relationship resentment is not just stopped at romantic attachements.)
She is not his boss! And when she has her down time, he is not hers. He can and should be dinged for not making sure issues are covered BEFORE he takes off...and she should be calling him LESS out of common curtesy when he is with his lady love!
Why hasn't this been mentioned at all?
FIDO at May 6, 2019 2:40 AM
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