Fade Diet
I got ghosted -- dumped by a guy who just disappeared on me, no explanation -- after three months of lovey-dovey dating. Clearly, he isn't a great person, yet I'm unable to stop thinking about him and wondering why he left. How do I accept that it's over so I can start dating again?
--Plagued
It's hard on the ego to learn why somebody's leaving you, but it beats needing a Ouija board.
It's the mystery that's causing the problem. Typically, when rotten things happen to us, our feel-bad emotions (like anger and sadness) rise up -- driving us to take a wiser course of action the next time so we'll keep those bad feelings from popping by again: "Wassup? Got any beer?"
Knowing the wiser course starts with knowing what to avoid. But all you've got is a terrible itch -- the itch of uncertainty about why this guy vanished -- and little hope of yanking him in to give you answers: "Wanted/Reward -- ex-boyfriend who ghosted me, last seen on 3/11/2018 carrying the remains of my dignity in a green reusable bag."
However, you can probably dupe your mind into believing it has the answer. Research by cognitive neuroscientist Michael Gazzaniga suggests our mind is quick to create stories to fill in and make sense out of incomplete information -- and then we tend to go right ahead and believe our stories. To take advantage of this, imagine a possible reason the guy vamoosed on you -- and then just decide to accept it as THE reason.
What might also help is transforming your thoughts of the guy into a material object -- a piece of garbage, in fact -- and throwing it away. And yes, I get that this sounds absurd, but there's a growing area of social science research -- embodied cognition -- that finds taking action is a highly efficient way to change our feelings. Accordingly, social psychologist Pablo Brinol had research participants write a negative thought on a piece of paper and then rip the paper up and throw it into a nearby trash can. This actually led to participants "mentally disposing" of their disturbing thinking to a great degree.
Should the guy sneak back into your thoughts, don't worry; just widen the shot. Shift your focus from him to yourself -- looking at how you maybe crossed your fingers that you had a keeper instead of seeing whether that actually was the case. Understanding what you should do differently is the first step toward expanding the male companionship in your life -- amusing as it can be to spend your nights watching your current partner get loaded on catnip and try to make sweet love to your throw pillows.
Im always of the belief that if you were in a relationship long enough to care about someone you should be honest enough to tell them exactly why it ended
lujlp at August 15, 2018 1:29 PM
It is terribly hard for me to be sympathetic to women when so many men have gotten fake numbers, been stood up, and ghosted by women. Quite a few women take great amusement at these sort of antics.
This is like Hannibal Lecter complaining that a fellow inmate bit him.
Now, perhaps this woman hasn't done that. And perhaps she has. (Not, IMO, near even odds at all on that bet)
What she should take away from this is a lesson at how shitty it feels to have one's feelings played with, no matter how uncomfortable the conversation. She shouldn't treat men like that either.
But at the end of the day, she doesn't want someone who doesn't want her.
My one exculpatory thing for the douche move of this guy is this: what if the reason he disappeared was something unchangeable but hurtful none the less.
In some few cases, ghosting would be far preferable than emotionally gutting someone, and 'I'm just not that into you' is always hard to hear.
This ignores the fact that she might have done something WAY outside his Overton window of acceptable behavior, like cheating, or insulting him badly behind his back or he discovers she's hidden she's an ardent Feminist.
Then he owes her nothing.
FIDO at August 17, 2018 3:03 AM
Ah, I get it. So because she's a woman and women (according to you) are notorious ghosters, that means she probably ghosted on some guy and this is karma.
You sure make an awful lot of assumptions about someone you don't even know.
Patrick at August 19, 2018 3:32 PM
Shrug.
To be in a relationship, particularly a casual one like this, is to make oneself vulnerable to the other person hitting the 'eject button' and having the relationship blow up in your face.
He did.
He had his reasons, which I am anunciating to say that things MIGHT not be quite as cut and dried as 'oh...he is a scumbag ghoster'.
What if she cheated on him?
What if she ran him down as a bad boyfriend to her friends, whether she meant it or not?
What if she was pushing for a ring before he was ready?
What if she was a stalker?
What if she was a dominant personality and he, knowing he was weak, found a quick cut as his least bad option?
What if he suddenly found out he had cancer and didn't want to deal with relationship drama as well as cancer drama?
What if he was 'bisexual' and realized that, no, he was just kidding himself and he preferred dick but wanted mom to be happy?
I am sorry you lack the imagination to realize that maybe it isn't as simplistic as 'ghoster putz'.
If it was a woman ghoster, just like a woman adulterer, a lot of women would go to great lengths to find some benefit of the doubt to offer her as reasons for her actions.
I am extending the same courtesy to the man.
If there were no mitigating reasons, he is either a coward, an amoral dick, or a sensitive man who realized that maybe a ghost was 'the least bad option'.
Did she want the 'most bad option'? Does she think a coward or an amoral dick is a good relationship option?
FIDO at August 20, 2018 10:33 PM
Umm, Fido I am a guy, and I really think that even after most of those things you mention, ghosting still makes you a "ghoster putz". If she ran him down as a bad boyfriend to friends, if she was pushing for a ring before he was ready, if he decided he was bi, if he was ill and did not want relationship dram while he recovered, those are all good reason for breaking up with her. They are not good reasons for ghosting.
In fact, probably not even if she cheated - you should at least leave an email or phone message like "Know you cheated - we're finished, please don't contact me" if you are a mensch. And if she was too dominant, and he was too weak to even tell her in any way - yeah, still pretty much a putz. The only one I'll give you is if she's a stalker - but in that case involving the police would be a sensible way to get the message across without having to deal with her directly.
Yup, I really see no alternative to "ghoster putz", and find your attempts to conjure one up rather disingenuous. Perhaps you should come up with some better excuses - perhaps the guy is dead, in a coma or has amnesia. All possible in theory but pretty unlikely.
I'm also puzzled that you would compare this with giving out a fake number, presumably to someone you just met. While a bit rude and cowardly (just say no), it is hardly the same thing as ghosting after a three month relationship.
Tzvfl at August 22, 2018 4:15 AM
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