Mush To Judgment I know my boyfriend loves me, but I can't get him to understand the difference between “thoughtful” and “romantic.” He'll surprise me with socks I need (thoughtful), but not flowers I don't (romantic). He pointed out that he didn't buy me just any socks, but the Cadillac of hiking socks: a special wool blend to keep moisture away from my feet, woven without seams at the toe to prevent blisters. This was very thoughtful of him, but why couldn't he make me little cards or cook me a special dinner? (Both are romantic things I've done for him.) He does do nice stuff for me, like scrubbing the bathtub then running the bath for me, and he always asks me how my day was (and is genuinely interested). It's just that he's never given me flowers, candy, jewelry, etc. -- the stuff that says “I love you” in a way socks just can't. How do I get him to express himself romantically?
--Missing That Special Something
Let's take a moment and read the average man's mind: “Sex, sex, sex, red meat, sex, sex, sex, beer, sex, sex, sex, Cheetos, sex, sex, sex, baseball, football, sex, sex, sex”...you get the idea. A whole lot of sex, a smattering of sports, a side of beef and processed food, and zero mention of Hallmark.com's “Heartfelt Rose Bouquet With Candle.”
So, how reasonable is it, really, to expect a man to “say it with flowers”? Men do tend to comply -- maybe because when they hear “say it with flowers,” they get the subliminal message loud and clear: “because it's cheaper than building a guest room onto the dog house.” In other words, men who speak through plant life might simply be telling you how much they care, or they might be sending a subliminal message of their own: “Floral white flag!” or “Bed -- it's not just for sleeping!” or the all-too-popular “I was just joking about wanting to have sex with your best friend.”
A man who instead “says it with deluxe tube socks” is telling you all you should need to know: he cares about areas of your body which do not jiggle and are not commonly encased in lingerie. No, your boyfriend didn't give much thought to how nasty socks look when you stick them in water in a big vase, but he actually interrupted his regularly scheduled thoughts of sex, sex, sex, touchdowns and beer to worry that you might get a blister or sweaty feet, then took steps to prevent it. And not only that. He scrubs the tub. He gets down on his hands and knees and scrubs the tub for you.Sadly, the world's greeting card-industrial complex does not stay afloat by suggesting that romance is also about a guy noticing that his girl's freezing and putting his coat around her, leaving her the big piece of chocolate, or expressing concern, with Comet in hand, that her heinie might touch a less-than-pristine tub. That last action alone, on your boyfriend's part, should be enough to cut your clamoring for “that special something” for all eternity. It should be, but it isn't. No, you still (sniffle-sniffle) wonder why he doesn't “care enough to send the very best” -- as in, the best heartfelt, yet deeply impersonal message a guy can get for about $2.50 and a ten-minute trip to the drugstore card rack. Hello? Did you miss that bit above? He gets down on his hands and knees and scrubs the tub. It doesn't get any better than that.
i was in the 'almost' same boat as you, my fiance is not romantic in the way that you proclaim it should be, but he sings to me in his deaf-tone way, he cooks me dinner almost every night, like amy says, he gets down on his hands and knees and cleans things, he always tells me he loves me and means it. maybe you forgot what it really means to love someone. guys are guys, even the sensitive ones. you have to find the nice things he does for you, enjoy it, love it, appreciate it. it could be worst, you could have a boyfriend who cheats on you, beats you, or worst. usually when you look back in time you will always see things differently...
shan at January 22, 2006 1:05 AM
I can't help but think that the gift of the hiking socks has some personal meaning that "Missing" didn't mention in her message, or perhaps didn't even notice.
Yes, it is strange to give a woman hiking socks as a gift. But given her man's attentiveness, I'd bet money that has something to do with her or their relationship -- maybe they were planning a hiking trip together, or she had recently complained of athlete's foot at the gym, something like that.
Gary at February 5, 2006 1:27 PM
You don't need a boyfriend, you need a girlfriend. Guy's (speaking for my fellow male friends) get SOOOOO TIRED of hearing the "you're not romantic" line. Guys don't see that as a suggestion even if you claim it is, we see it as "bitching" and an insight into the future. Cheer up, be happy, or learn to 'scrub the tub'
Rob at February 21, 2006 2:42 PM
As a married man of 12 years, I can promise you that a decade down the line, this man will be a god send. When you've gotten married and have two kids, you both work full time, you're exhausted from getting awoken every night with a baby with colic or kid with nightmares, you're back hurts from carrying around your 30 lb toddler, and your just cant find time to take care of things, this man will be juist what the doctor ordered. When the chips are down and your at the end of your rope, you won't want flowers, jewelry of cards, you'll want the tub cleaned and dinner cooked, the kids put to bed, and a nice warm pair of socks to keep your tootsies warm. I gurantee that your man will focus on your needs like no romantic schlub can.
Looked at from another point of view, how frigg'n romantic is it that the man cleaned for you?? I gurantee that 99% of married women would trade you all the flowers in the world for your man.
Stop looking for flaws in your guy and see what's really there. A man that thinks about your needs and acts on them with thoughtfulness. Any putz can go out and buy a card and flowers for $20. A real man who loves his woman cleans for her.
Evan at February 27, 2006 11:59 AM
Sex sex sex sex sex? Lady you are full of crap
Xollyeux at May 18, 2006 1:01 PM
What are men thinking about then, crocheting pink booties and making pot roast?
Amy Alkon at May 18, 2006 1:55 PM
Thank you for this one.
The most romantic thing my girlfriend ever did for me was, unasked, rub my feet because she knew what years of martial arts had done to them, and wanted to just do something nice for me.
I decided not only to marry her right there, but walk through friggin' FIRE for her if she asked.
John C. Welch at February 6, 2007 11:06 AM
I really hope that in the midst of all this angst that the OP remembers to to a little more for her man than just buy him some aftershave and herself some lingerie.
Speaking as a past "Tub Scrubber" type, a woman who doesn't appreciate this kind of thing doesn't deserve it. When we had kids, I made a deal with my wife - keep the little girl fed and I will change every single nappy. After 2 weeks, I was the one pacing the boards at night and dealing with the nappies. My wife would concern herself with getting me a mug with a heartfelt but deeply impersonal message while at the same time clapping her hands with glee when my pay packet came in. As you can guess, there wasn't a fairy-tale ending to my story.
If this woman doesn't concern herself with being thoughtful, she's ruin the very deep and very rich and indeed valuable love this man has for her.
While she's waiting for flowers, his heart is breaking and eventually she'll be scrubbing her own tub.
MJ at February 8, 2007 12:07 AM
Is he a Virgo? He reminds me of one in a very good way.
The guys who are good with the flowers and jewelry and shit are usually that way because it's cheesy and it gets girls in bed... the guy who cleans the bathtub is the guy who cares about you.
/years late and surely the op and the scrubber have split
Kirin
at December 30, 2007 7:46 PM
I'm reading this letter quite late, but it's the day before Valentine's Day, and I'm so glad my husband both sends flowers and scrubs the tub. Those kind are out there and I am lucky that I found him and married him.
Debbie Cole at February 13, 2008 4:49 PM
lady you are still full of crap Guys are not evil you are
Xaar Xollyeux at July 11, 2008 1:33 PM
At first, I was not sympathetic towards the LW, but then decided that we all want someone who understands us.
My husband does all of the "romantic" things - red roses, etc. Unfortunately, I don't really like red roses - they remind me of old people and death - and seem kind of trite. I prefer live plants or at least gladiolas - my favorite flowers. For him to get what I need or want would be nice, but I guess even after 25 years, he just doesn't know me. He just gets generic things. And help around the house - no way. Oh well.
Jen at February 11, 2010 6:30 PM
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