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Look Who’s Caulking My girlfriend of four months and I work in the same warehouse, and aren’t required to dress up on the job. Although she’s very attractive, she wears jeans everywhere: Levis to work, Levis cut-offs to swim, etc. The one time I asked her to dress up for a date, she wore a jean skirt. Am I far enough into this relationship to buy her an outfit or comment on her clothing? I don’t want to hurt her feelings. We’re very good together, and I can see us having a future.

--Girly Friendly


It all started in offices across America with “casual Friday.” Like horror movie ooze, Gap khaki spread across the work week, until casual Friday was preceded by casual Monday through Thursday. There was no place to go but down. Before long, casual Friday started looking more like sloppy Saturday, and your corporate lawyer was greeting you at the elevator in flip-flops and pajama bottoms.

Lately, it’s increasingly hard to tell $20 million leading ladies from those earning $20 a day redeeming cans, and ragged, unshaven Hollywood moguls from ragged, unshaven Hollywood Boulevard bums. Since both often appear to be shouting at nobody in particular, it helps to look for the Bluetooth headset -- a sign that the guy probably has a real live person on the other end of his ravings, and parks something tagged “Jaguar” or “Mercedes,” not “Please Return This Cart To Staples.”

Back on warehouse row, you don’t expect your girlfriend to spend her days pallet-hopping in a Roberto Cavalli evening dress and four-inch maribou mules. But, assuming you won’t be transporting her to dinner on a forklift, you aren’t out of line to want her to dress for dates as if she’s aspiring to change your life, not your oil. Instead of despairing that she has yet to break the denim barrier, try to see the fact that she worked her way up to a jean skirt for what it is: a riveted, five-pocket ray of hope. Her effort suggests she isn’t willfully ignoring what you want; she’s simply ignorant of the obvious: You attract more men with lace than burlap.

The best way to tell somebody “Here’s how I’ll find you attractive” is not to suggest that you have, for some time, been finding them not-so-attractive. Tell your girlfriend you’re taking her someplace elegant, and want to buy her something special to wear, then make helping her pick it out part one of your date. Wax on about how beautiful she looks, and keep waxing after she’s back in her barn-wear. Window-shop at establishments that do not feature denim, pointing out how hot she’d look in this or that. You get the drill. And she’ll get the message, and without you ever saying you’ve kind of had it with greeting her at the door and wondering, “Do we have a date or a broken water main?”

Tempting as it may be to shrug off fashion intransigence as a petty idiosyncracy, if you need eye candy to be happy, you two won’t make it unless she starts dressing to the nines instead of the threes. Whether she can or will remains to be seen. While you’re waiting to find out, try to incorporate her current look into your fantasies -- not the way it makes you picture her cleaning out the garage, but by fast-forwarding to the end of the day when the jeans come off. A little overtime in the imagination department might be what it takes to have a future with this girl -- especially if she intends to start it off in a relaxed-fit, button-fly wedding gown.

Posted by aalkon at December 6, 2005 5:10 AM

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Comments

I'm all for being comfortable at work, but if you're going out on a date to an Italian restaurant and not a barn raising- dress the part! But I also think that guys need the memo too- it's like the 2 extremes, the metrosex who spend more time getting ready then I do, and the ones who will literally wear the same outfit until you call them on it 3 days later. Ick.

Posted by: Lia at December 29, 2005 1:39 AM

Usually I'm the one who wants to dress up and gets mad at my male companion for dressing like a clunker. Recently, however, I had the experience of being scolded by a man who was briefly my boyfriend for exactly the reason described above. The tone he took, in the email in which he communicated his disappointment, was that of a dissatisfied customer who felt entitled to better service than he had gotten. Fair enough - maybe I didn't respect him - but the result was that I was so irked at his tone that I no longer wanted to deal with him. Some chicks really don't like to dress up, or don't want to do it on command. If a boyfriend wanted to take me someplace elegant (as if I didn't have anything to wear already), and suggested buying me something, I don't know that I would really like it... a joint shopping trip, however, where we BOTH picked out outfits... perhaps for each other? would be a fun game to play. The only time I've done this was for sex clothing, not for silk evening gowns.

Posted by: Red Ree at January 1, 2006 7:13 PM

Tone and manner is exceptionally important. The shortest distance between old jeans and a Hugo Boss jacket is not telling a guy he looks like a slob. And vice versa.

Posted by: Amy Alkon at January 1, 2006 11:23 PM

Each of us has a unique style and priorities (reading a book or painting fingernails) and each of us is attracted to certain qualities.

Guys who are attracted to very girlie girls and their features(fluffed hair, painted fingernails, pointy shoes, etc) may not be compatible with girls like me who can't be bothered with that stuff. This guy should decide if he can accept his girlfried as is and what qualities are important to him. How often does he wear anything besides jeans or kackis? Shouldn't she have the same right? She cares about her appearance, showers, dresses neatly, it just isn't a real girlie style.

I know what it's like to be ignored by guys in favor of more superficial qualities like high heels. Tomboy girls get the best beaus 'cause we know they're attracted to what's in our hearts and heads, not superficial appearances that can fade with age. I like being real and my husband likes that about me. no silicone, etc. Just authentic me.

Posted by: cosmicmojo at January 5, 2006 8:52 AM

Let's Do The Time Warp Again! I sense some hostility in you regarding fluffed hair, pointy shoes, and nail polish. Were you raised by Carrie's mom or something? "Can't be bothered" is just a bitchy way to say that you find those things unimportant and those who find them important are silly. Well, good for you but it's interesting to note that you are making a federal case about the "denim disaster" having the right to wear what she wants while simultaneously blasting other women for THEIR fashion choices. Jealous much? Why try to take down those with more polish (no pun intended) to make your point? You HAD a good point before you got all "I sat alone at lunch for four years" bitter on us all. I agree with you in theory -except I got over being an ugly, fat, library dork in high school. Maybe you haven't. Maybe it's not the high heels that attract the man - maybe it's the CONFIDENCE of the woman wearing them. Could be the high heels, true. But then you're selling men short a little, too, aren't you? All they see is heels and boobs? Not always true. Join us in reality someday - when you get back from 1890, where only whores wear lipstick.

Posted by: wicked opinion at March 21, 2006 9:09 PM

"I know what it's like to be ignored by guys in favor of more superficial qualities like high heels."

Men evolved to be attracted to beautiful women, and looking feminine is not "superficial," but very important -- it's a nice thing you do for a man. Of course, not all men can get a beautiful woman, or a woman who takes care of herself, so they settle for what they can get -- perhaps a lazy girl who's okay looking, but looks like she's ready to repair the septic tank at any moment.

"Tomboy girls get the best beaus 'cause we know they're attracted to what's in our hearts and heads, not superficial appearances that can fade with age."

Um, there's more to a woman than her looks, of course, but I can't imagine being so lazy about my boyfriend's needs that I would dress like a slob, or not make an effort. It would be like having a guy sit on the couch unenmployed all day -- since women have different evolutionary psychology -- not caring what men look like so much, but caring very much whether a man is a "provider" (whether or not they want kids).

"I like being real and my husband likes that about me. no silicone, etc. Just authentic me."

TRANSLATION: I don't really give a shit about dressing up, and he'd better just deal. I don't have an ounce of silicone on me, but you'd better believe, when my boyfriend gets to my house, I look pretty and smell nice. Love is making an effort.

Posted by: Amy Alkon at March 22, 2006 7:43 AM

"TRANSLATION: I don't really give a shit about dressing up, and he'd better just deal. I don't have an ounce of silicone on me, but you'd better believe, when my boyfriend gets to my house, I look pretty and smell nice. Love is making an effort."

Oh come on! That is not what she means. All she is saying is that she's true to herself anf doesn't change for others. I am a tomboy and have been that way my whole life. I don't care what people think about me. I just want to be me.

Posted by: Dani at October 17, 2006 6:35 PM

Why does it have to be Madonna or Whore? (so black and white...all or nothing....pretty or a slob)? I have always had "a good man" in my life since age sixteen. I learned to sew as a young teenager and enjoyed making lots of attractive outfits to wear. But because I love sewing and making jewelry, gifts, etc. I don't keep long painted fingernails. I found some good quality press-on french nails for special events. If a shelf needs to be put up in my studio, I have the tools and know how to do it without waiting for a man to do it for me. Nancy Friday is one of my favorite writers. I love decorating, cooking, babies...and at the same time, I love making love with my handsome sexy older husband (who is turned on without the blue pill) watching me proudly sunbathe in a bikini at a tropical beach resort. I hate to hear women use four letter words and man bash and would NOT enjoy traveling with just the company of women. I find the company of my special guy and my family members much more fulfilling that the company of women friends. Always have, and guess I always will.

Posted by: Sandymonica at April 6, 2007 12:36 PM

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