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Member’s Lonely

This is gonna sound like a joke, but I swear it's not. I'm an unattractive guy (not hideous, but pretty ugly) who’s overweight and really socially awkward. When it comes to talking with women, I just clam up. About the only thing I have going for me is a huge penis. While attractive guys with tiny penises and ugly dudes with suave personalities can land women, I never even get a girl to go home with me, let alone get into a relationship, which is what I want. I know a lot of women don’t care about size, but I also know some do. Am I crazy to think some women would look past my faults if only they knew what I was packing?

--Big Loser

So, you’re fat, ugly, and socially awkward. Is there an armed guard keeping you out of the gym? Is the path to the salad bar mined with plastic explosive? And, before you enter a nightclub, does the bouncer slap duct tape over your mouth and tie one hand behind your back, so all you can do is use your one free hand to point to your massive rod?

Probably half the successful male comedians look like they fell face first out of the womb onto the ugly stick. But for a few exceptions, the other half look like they came out clutching it in their tiny little hands. These guys turned their shortcomings into a living and, in turn, a way to get girls -- instead of a reason to, say, reduce themselves to a live-action version of the Joey The Giant Genitalia cartoon from junior-high sex ed films.

Another unlikely chick magnet is the perpetually scrawny, sickly, 91-year-old psychotherapist Dr. Albert Ellis. A few years ago, he told me over lunch that he spent a good part of his childhood hospitalized -- keeping him from both dying and developing rudimentary social skills. At 19, he was determined to get over his terror of talking to girls. For a month, he went to the Bronx Botanical Garden every day, made himself sit down with any woman he saw alone on a bench, and gave himself a minute to strike up a conversation. He talked to 100 women and asked one out. She stood him up. But, the experience gave him the courage to approach the next 100, and then some, and actually score some dates. In 2004, he married a tall, blonde, Australian bombshell half his age. So, while many refer to him as “the father of cognitive-behavioral therapy,” I like to think of him as The Hugh Hefner Of Headshrinking.

Luckily for Ellis, he must not have had some huge tool in his pants to use as a crutch. Sure, there are a few size queens, but if they want a big penis without a personality, they’ll get the kind that runs on batteries. Stop reducing yourself to the sum of your one giant part. If you’re fat, get some exercise -- beyond all the calories you’re burning wallowing in self-pity. If you’re ugly, make up for it by dressing beautifully. Wear great shoes. Women like that. If you’re filled with self-loathing, read up on “unconditional self-acceptance” in Ellis’ book A Guide To Rational Living. Finally, do as Ellis did, and make yourself talk to girls. Maybe even tell them you’ve been shy all your life and you’re working to change it. That shows guts, which go over even better than great shoes. In other words, whether you want sex or a relationship, your big penis is probably your biggest stumbling block. Convince yourself you’re hung like a horsefly, and you might get some girls.

Posted by aalkon at July 31, 2006 8:15 AM

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Hi Amy,
I just saw your comment over on Orac's blog regarding Mel Gibson's arrest. Thought I'd pop in here to check your site out and give a hearty "hello, Sugartits!"

I try to accomodate a request from a lady. Great site, by the way :)

Posted by: Mike at July 31, 2006 9:21 AM

Thanks so much...and you might drop in on my blog and leave comments there on the links to Orac's pieces on "liver cleansing."

Posted by: Amy Alkon at July 31, 2006 9:52 AM

Hi Amy,

Who is Orac ? And, what is the URL to this blog ? I'd like to read it. Thanks.

Posted by: elle at July 31, 2006 10:58 AM

My blog is:


Orac's is:


Posted by: Amy Alkon at July 31, 2006 11:00 AM


For some reason this reminds me of my brother...he's handsome, tall, buff, and tattooed (we have at least one of those qualities in common) and he's *always* complaining that he can't get women, or the ones he likes never talk to him, or they don't want to date him...and he's got zillions of reasons why this is so. I think it's just because he's doofy and exuberant and kind of high-maintenance. But, whatever makes him feel better about it.

Posted by: amh18057 at July 31, 2006 1:04 PM

There is no easy way out. I think men are more obsessed with size than women are -- too bad this guy doesn't seem to be into men.

Posted by: toledolefty at August 2, 2006 10:23 AM

Good advice so far as it goes, but this guy sounds so pathetic that he probably needs professional help; he has a terrible self-esteem problem and is likely suffering from some mental illness, like depression or something. Too bad all the drugs for that would make him even fatter.

As to the "socially awkward" he may be completely out of luck, he may have asperger's syndrome. I don't think they can help him with that.

As to his dick, a big dick isn't going to get anyone a date. She doesn't know how big your dick is until you've already slid into home plate.

I shake my head in wonder when some littlecock complains about the small size of his wanger. There is no advantage (for the man) to a big dick. And a lot of disadvantages. Like, imagine sitting on a public tolet and it dips into the water. Yuck! Eew!

Yes, that happens some times. Don't tell my girl friends.

To quote Mojo Nixon:
I need a woman that's six feet ten
She gotta be that tall so's I can to get it all in
Gonna tie my pecker to my leg, to my leg
Gonna tie my pecker to my leg

Posted by: steve at August 3, 2006 2:43 PM

Dear man, I have dated and slept with a number of men of all sizes. (No lecture please about safe sex, got that covered) The "largest" man I ever had was also the worst. He was under the impression that having 12 inches was all that was required of him. No concern for me at all.
Most of the best sex I've ever had has been with perfectly average sized men. Unless a man is so small that the act becomes difficult, it really doesn't matter. What matters is how you treat her and arouse her mind and interest in YOU before you ever get in bed with her. THEN you can show her your plaything. Besides, do you really want a woman who chooses you based on this one criteria? How shallow she would be!

Posted by: Gail at August 6, 2006 5:43 PM

Like this guy, I'm a bit quiet and could therefore conceivably be described as "socially awkward," but that's no reason to put up a big white flag surrendering to loneliness and social isolation. In fact, it's quite easy to converse with people once you realize that people love to talk about themselves (but especially women, just because they're more verbal in general). In other words, ASK QUESTIONS. Be interested in what the other person has to say, and be sure to jump in once you discover a common topic of interest or knowledge, so that you're not failing to contribute to the conversation. (If you have no topics on which you are interested or knowledgable, start reading more.) Smile; make eye contact without staring.

As far as appearance goes, I don't think that's a big problem. Women have evolved to care more about whether you can take care of them, than about whether you look impeccable in a Speedo. Of course, do what you can to improve it--get a good haircut, dress nicely, change your facial hair (shave it off if it's unflattering, but consider growing a beard if you have a weak chin or some facial flaw that could be masked by one), etc. And lift weights, because women like to feel "protected," and they are more likely to feel that way if you have strong arms. But keep in mind that you don't have to look like Brad Pitt, and adjust your bitterness levels accordingly.

In other words, I thought Amy's advice was great, but just wanted to elaborate on the fact that not everybody needs to be a comedian, or the father of cognitive therapy, to have some decent conversations and get some dates.

Posted by: jill at August 7, 2006 12:39 PM

Hi Amy! I read the post about the socially awkward, Ugly, overweight guy, who thought, if only the women knew how big my penis was, can get him a date. Well, I have a similar situation, only I cant brag about the big penis, just average here. my problem is my facial appearence went so bad from my 30's to now, it has makes my like a living hell. im 41 now, and raising 2 kids myself, my wife was never really attracted to me, I didn't find this out till about 8 years being married, but im over the marriage, my concern now is how to move on with another relationship, when nobody would ever be interested in me. My appearence is so bad, I dont even really have guy friends. there are always gonna be a few people out there, that are nice people, and will overlook your appearence, but still wouldn't be willing to date me. Well, I dont know how much hope there is for me, but any advice would be helpful. Thanks

Posted by: Anthony at September 9, 2006 7:46 AM

He seems like one of those dudes who probably posts masturbates on his web cam in chat rooms.

Posted by: T. at September 22, 2006 2:49 PM

All of you are full of complete shit. Let me tell you my story. I am a former college athlete who excelled at most things. I have been told that I'm a very attractive male and have never had any problems getting a girl to like me. I was the star athlete in high school and a pretty popular person on a large university campus. People knew and liked me. The only problem I had was what i perceived as a small penis, but reading all the publications about average penis size and women saying size doesn't matter I didn't dwell on it. I am about six inches. I am 29 years old and have never had a healthy sexual relationship because of what women thought of me AFTER they found out what was in my pants. I've had many one-night-stands where it is the woman trying to avoid me afterwards and embarrassingly telling all her girlfriends about me. This has ruined my self-esteem because it is women who think they want an emotional relationship and someone who cares and so on and so on, blah blah blah. This is all bullshit and is part of the women's "never know what they want/change my mind" mentality. The only thing women want is a man with a large package or lots of money or BOTH! To make a long story "a little shorter", I finally entered a relationship with someone who I thought was happy with me and our sex. Oh how wrong I was. She held in her true feelings for a year before telling me what she really thought. Just a few of her comments "you're the smallest black man I've ever been with"; "sex is frustrating because sometimes it's hard to feel you"; "I can't talk to any of my girlfriends about our sex life because they would laugh at me". Bullshit like this and much more nasty comments is what I've been hearing for over a year now. I love my woman more than anything in the world, but to have the person you love talk about you in this way is the most devastating thing anyone could endure in a relationship. She says that she wants to try and work it out, but it is not going well to say the least. She has brought up things like having an open relationship or being swingers may help, but all she is saying is that she wants to have sex with another satisfying penis; this is all I hear. I said all that to say this, any woman who says size doesn't matter is just lying to themselves and lying to men. A man can do everything else perfect, but if the woman doesn't like his penis then the relationship is over. On the flip side, a man can be a complete jerk and not do anything for her, but if he can rock her world in the bed then she will put up with his shit for at least a limited time. I've known guys to cheat on their woman repeatedly, the woman find out and be angry about it, but still stay with him because of the sex. Sex and money make the world go round people, stop lying to ourselves. To the fat guy who commented on being scared of women but being well endowed, you are just too stupid to know what the hell is going on. Open your mouth around women and just ask them about themselves, you don't have to be an intellectual genius. Women are so self-indulged that just asking them about themselves will make women like you because they think you're interested in them. Then you'll get them in bed and they'll see your schlong and you'll be having a happy sex life, probably with more than one woman despite being a fat ass.

Posted by: Anonymous at November 9, 2006 11:45 AM


I'm terribly sorry you've had such devastating experiences. However, I hope that your perspective has the chance to evolve at least a little. I'm in the best relationship of my life, with a man who makes just enough money to get by in the lower middle class, who also happens to have approximately six inches. And I absolutely LOVE sex! I can't get enough of it! He's awesome in bed! And let me tell you, I'm not a tiny girl - he just knows what he's doing.

You have had awful experiences. I am so sorry. But the rest of these posts are closer to the truth; size is the least important thing on most women's list. The money thing - well, this is America and most of us are to some degree capitalists. What I care about more is work ethic. I don't mind that my boyfriend doesn't make a lot of money; he has work ethic and ambition to go with it, so therefore he is successful in my eyes (and in my mouth and other orifices!).

Posted by: Jessica at November 20, 2006 5:35 PM

Sounds like a guy I know. His biggest problem isnt that he is overweight, or ugly, but that he whines and tries to emotionally manipulate people into feeling sorry for him. Told him this many times, and after 4 years, I'm backing off the friendship. He's become an emotional leach that I don't need in my life.

Posted by: Kelly at November 24, 2006 7:08 AM


I happen to be in love with a shy, obese man whom I wouldn't have looked at twice if I saw him walking down the street. I love him because he's the smartest and kindest person I've ever met, and my best friend in the world, and I don't care one bit about his shyness, weight, or appearance. In fact, I find his shyness endearing - better than being cocky! - and his weight makes him cuddly.

However, if I could change one thing about him, I would make his penis smaller. It's far larger than necessary, and makes sex far more difficult than it needs to be. If I woke up one morning to find his penis was half the size it is now, I'd be thrilled! Actually, if he woke up with no penis at all, it would make no difference to my own sexual satisfaction - after all, you don't need a penis to stimulate a clitoris.

To put it another way: if you said to me "I'm kind of socially awkward and not very good at making conversation," I would let my guard down. If you said to me "I have a huge penis," I would run away.

Posted by: Anon. at December 28, 2006 1:14 PM

I cant understand, being a guy also, when I hear women complain about men worrying about their penis size when the worry comes from women who say size matters, these kind of women dump the good guy whos below average for the jerk with the bigger dick. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with a women liking a bigger penis, i'm just telling it how it is, and this is exactly how it is... If the size wasn't an issue with ANY women, then it wouldn't be an issue for men, there would be nothing to worry about if you knew that what you had was good enough, and MOST women who say it doesn't matter are lying to make their below average partner feel better. Ofcourse blokes want to shape up in the change room but it all comes down to how they shape up in the bedroom and those are the facts. Women who cheat in search of simply better sex should be on the corner in a pair of fish net stockings, atleast then they'd be getting paid to root, and there's no strings attached. Personally, I'd be so much more devestated if I found out that my girlfriend had cheated on me if the sex wasn't good enough. I'd rather be told straight up that I was no good and dumped on the spot then have that happen. So ladies, if your not satisfied, find what you want. Dont put up with a guy because you feel sorry for him or he doesn't satisfy you, it only makes it so much worse when he does find out he's not good enough for you. Think of the worst thing you can call a women to degrade her self- esteem, times that by 100 and that's what it's like for a guy to have his dick called small, ESPECIALLY by a women because then he knows that his future with women are all but over. No one will probably read this but to the women who think all men are only in it for the sex, don't be so fucking shallow and arrogant.

Posted by: someguy at January 6, 2007 2:31 AM

As a small guy myself, I totally understand what you've said.

Women lie constantly about this subject and I really would rather hear the truth for once. They take pity on the guy and then come up with stupid outdated phrases like,

"it's not the boat, it's the motion of the ocean".

LOL. Do they really think we are that dumb? OK. Many of us guys are THAT stupid but most aren't.
Men have worried about this for generations, and rightfully so. It has nothing to do with the locker room crap either. In the end it's about being accepted by the woman. When they use these lines, we know they are lieing. To themselves and to us.

Don't get me wrong. I know the penis is not everything. I get the listening, attention, understanding, cuddling, holding etc. I get the foreplay. Fingers, hands, tongue, lips are all a part of it. But as Anonymous said, even if you did all those things correctly, with a small penis you have no chance. None. You are lucky to even get that far, providing she sees all of you in your not so glory beforehand.

I'm not complaining either. Women want what they want. There is nothing wrong with it. Their bodies were made a certain way with a certain way to acheive the most pleasureable of experiences. A small guy is simply incapable of giving 'enough' to get her (any woman) to that point.

She might stay for the short term but eventually she will cheat. I would rather be told the truth upfront than have her cheat while my back is turned. Despite what they say, they do compare you with their past boyfriends when talking with their friends. Imagine having a bunch of women laughing at you. 1 is bad enough. You wanna talk about low self-esteem?

I simply don't bother. I know I will never have any kind of future with any woman. I don't date and probably never will. Really, what is the point? Sex? As Someguy said, not all guys sleep around with every woman that winks at him or gives him the time of day. Sex is a package with me. No love = no sex. Period. Sadly, I have discovered that it happens to be more like this: no good sex = no love with no good sex = small penis. The other things you can learn from tips and guides and a receptive and helpful partner. You can't learn your way to a bigger penis.

If size didn't matter, people would not joke about it. They wouldn't tease others or laugh about it. It wouldn't be talked about at all but it is. They laugh. Point fingers. Tease. All because it does matter and always has.

Posted by: smallguy at January 16, 2007 8:33 PM

I am amazed at how wrapped up into their own perceptions of the world people get. They think that just because THEY want something a certain way that EVERYONE wants it the same way. That just because SOMEONE said something that was mean or hurtful, that EVERYONE feels the same way and is just lying if they don't say it outright. So many people posting here are just victims waiting for their next mind-screw.

Here's my advice, for what it is worth, to the well-endowed Big Loser (dude, pick a nicer name for yourself) and the other unendowed guys who feel that women are lying about their true desires: Remember that it takes all types to make this world go around. Yes, there ARE women to whom size matters, and there are ALSO women to whom it does not! So find one to whom it does not! How? Cultivate your personality, increase your social skills, get off of the couch and away from your X-Box and out of the titty bars, and READ and develop your mind and intellect! Develop your heart! Develop your emotional intellect, your honesty and character, your ability to tell truth in a gentle and tactful manner.

Start being a good friend to a woman, and do this by first being a good friend to yourself. What healthy woman would want to involve herself with a guy who hates himself? I guarantee you guys that there is a HUGE contingent of women to whom this friendship aspect is of critical importance, and to whom physcial attributes are secondary or even unimportant. Read the Dec 28 post above by anonymous who is this way. This is a female that is worth loving, but she maybe wouldn't love you if you don't love yourself too. It starts at home, fellas.

Do NOT sit there and whine about how you are a loser, inadequate, ugly, or whatever. Life is energy, people, and you do, with some work, have control over the energy you eventually project and therefore attract into your own life.

If your energy sucks, guys, you will draw sucky women into your life to confirm it. If you are utterly convinced that you are worthless because of your small penis (or that your big one will save you in spite of the vacancy sign on your forehead that indicates "gutted psychological decrepitude inside") then you will attract either no interest at all, or attract the wrong kind of interest. Ladies, this works equally true for you!

If we want more satisfaction in our lives, we need to own the fact that our energetic projections have an AWFUL LOT to do with our successes or failures in that regard.

It takes all types to make this world work. No two people are alike. If all you are attracting is women who are size queens, then it is YOU who is the common denominator to that equation. Yes, YOU! Change the energy by changing the equation! All women are NOT size queens and lying cheating whores who will abondon an otherwise good man for a hot studmuffin with a big socket wrench. Change your energy to attract those women by finding out what THEY like and then cultivating your own self to make that vacancy sign more alluring to them.

CHANGE YOUR ENERGY IF YOU ARE NOT HAPPY. It takes work (that's what therapists are for and self help books and support groups and the internet and all other manner of assistance) but IT CAN BE DONE. The alternative is to live your remaining days in bad energy.

Posted by: Jon at February 2, 2007 4:28 PM

I used to believe the myths about size making a difference. A while back, I dated a man who was so small, he could have qualified for a special license plate. The first time we became intimate, I only relented to having sex because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Girls, let me tell you something. This man knew how to connect pelvic bones and he knew how to 'read' a woman's arousal. This man was by far the most satisfying man I have ever been with, to date.
I've also been with a humongous man. He was so large, it was scary. Sex with him was uncomfortable and very unfulfilling. His technique reminded me of a runaway steam engine. Even if he'd taken sex lessons, he had more than an average mare could handle. I wish him well.

Posted by: MythDispelled at June 30, 2007 11:12 PM

Just fot the record, sex isn't everything in a relationship -- not for every woman, anyway. Personally, I've had really good sex and really not-so-good sex and have never cheated no matter which kind it was. So guys, don't assume that if the sex isn't that great the girl will go looking elsewhere -- it depends on the girl and her priorities. Some of us just value a loving, fulfilling relationship and don't expect every aspect of it to be perfect.

Posted by: Pussnboots [TypeKey Profile Page] at February 14, 2008 10:16 AM

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