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Going All The Away

The other night, I really hit it off with a woman I met in a bar. Even though her friend had taken me aside and told me I could get this woman to go home with me, at the end of the evening, I only asked her for her number. When she hesitated in giving it to me, I gave her my e-mail address. I still haven’t heard from her. My guy friend chided me that I missed an opportunity to “get some.” The thing is, I am not looking to just “get some.” What I want most is a lasting, stable, sexual relationship with a woman with whom I can share this fleetingly beautiful existence. Did I do the right thing, or should I give up on my foolish notions of finding that special someone and just go for the “hookup”?

--A Gentleman

It’s not the sort of thing you dream of telling your grandkids: “Your grandma and I met at a bar. We were drinking heavily, and she looked awfully good at closing time.”

Still, even if you aren’t looking to “get some,” if you do happen to be offered some, the wisest course of action isn’t covering your privates and diving behind a barstool. This doesn’t mean you have to end the evening in the position to cancer-check a woman’s hidden moles. But, once you get something going with somebody, why not see that you keep it going? At least offer her a ride home, take her out for pancakes, grope her on her porch.

Whatever you do, do something -- except if that something is giving her your e-mail address. You’re better off giving up on ever seeing her again. (Beats being chained to your computer, waiting to be wanted.) “But, she wouldn’t give me her phone number!” Well, be a man, ask harder, and cut your losses if she still doesn’t respond. For all you know, this woman “hesitated” because she didn’t know how to tell you she wanted to go home with you -- not go home alone and forward you something about how your deodorant could be giving you a brain tumor.

Where you go wrong is in thinking the choices are mutually exclusive -- either share fleetingly beautiful drunken sex or “this fleetingly beautiful existence.” Sure, the hookup has its downsides: pregnancy…disease…missing the thrill of the chase because there’s no need to run after anybody, just roll over in bed. And then there’s the chance that “that sweetie” from the bar will turn into your psycho-stalker. Despite being given no assurances a one-night stand would lead to any future nights, there she is, storming around outside your workplace, shouting through a traffic cone, “Is that all I was to YOOOUUU?”

It turns out one of the downsides for other men could be an upside for you. Yes, some women can “compartmentalize” the way men do -- decide they’re having a fling, and that’s that. Even so, people don’t always know what they want. Sometimes they just think they know what they want. And with women, sometimes a hormone called oxytocin does their thinking for them. It kicks in when a woman has an orgasm, making her feel bonded to her partner, even if, intellectually, she’d rather be the kind of girl who uses him and puts him out like the cat. In other words, having casual sex doesn’t necessarily preclude you from having, well, formal sex -- all that naked and nasty stability you’ve been pining for. It may even lead you there -- providing you see to it that it’s not over until everybody has a big finish.

Posted by aalkon at February 14, 2007 3:46 AM


Love it! You are so right Amy. Everytime I have an orgasm with a guy I end up thinking "He is THE ONE!" and I don't even believe in "the one." Depending on the intensity of the orgasm, it may take me until the next morning to snap out of it. (Realizing that I'll have to share the hot water is a real kick in the reality crotch!)

Posted by: Joy at February 14, 2007 5:58 AM

I probably would have emailed you back, but I would have given you my number in the first place anyway. I don't want someone knowing where I live when I don't know them well, so I wouldn't want a guy to ask to take me home. Your problem is you picked wrong. Why would you want a (fucking) future with some chick who drinks on the regular so much that her friends know she's pretty much a sure thing? Maybe they were working together on it, but still. I wouldn't want to have a carnal relationship with someone who takes such risks, unless of course you don't mind strapping up twice.

Posted by: kg at February 14, 2007 8:05 AM

Say a girl broke up with a guy a while back and hasn't been dating (or having sex), and finally got horny. Not everybody who goes home with a guy from a bar -- or would -- "drinks on the regular so much that her friends know she's pretty much a sure thing." Also, there's a time in a person's life -- usually the 20s or early 20s -- I call "the fuck years," when they don't really want a relationship...but, see above, and see Joy's comment above -- perhaps they could be persuaded into one by casual sex with the right guy.

Posted by: Amy Alkon at February 14, 2007 8:42 AM

It unfortunately sounds like this guy is compartmentalizing women into either Madonna or Whore. "Nice girls don't have sex on the first date", or "I can only have a relationship with a woman if I meet her under respectable circumstances". You are kidding yourself if you think that way. Either a woman enjoys sex, and wants to have it with you, or she doesn't! If your self-esteem is that low that you think any woman that wants to have sex with you has really bad taste, then you're going to wind up with a woman that hates you.

Posted by: Chris at February 14, 2007 1:14 PM

I heard a comedy routine about things to avoid, and one was "a guy who says he met his wife at an orgy".

I can't remember the comedian. Anybody recognize this?

Posted by: doombuggy at February 14, 2007 2:41 PM

The woman you met in the bar's Friend had an agenda and was not her friend. She wasn't that into you or she would have given you her number.
and just because a woman is in a bar doesn't make her a regular. You thought you connected and wanted to see if it could be more. cudos to you. Keep Trying.

Posted by: whatever at February 14, 2007 11:12 PM

Chris, I can't really tell whether this writer is falling into that trap, but I have noticed some guys do have the Madonna/Whore thing going on. They have fun with the purple-haired, adventuresome girls until they decide it's time to "settle down" with someone "respectable." Then they are astonished a few years later when they discover wifey has no interest in sex.

Posted by: Pirate Jo at February 16, 2007 9:44 AM

Hey Chris.. the comedian is George Carlin.

Posted by: SuperMeekrat at March 4, 2007 8:42 AM

Maybe it's because I don't spend enough time in bars that I can't figure it out myself but: Amy, how comes you could rule out the following alternative scenario, which would have been my first guess: Despite this woman's friend's wish to help her get laid, the woman was not fully convinced. Maybe she was not that bored to tell him to get lost but also not that sure that she wanted to see him again, and hence hesistated. If he is such a gentleman, maybe his whole style of flirting was not exciting enough for her, and the hesistation meant not that she was disappointed about him not asking "your place of mine?" but rather that he had failed to get her into the mood at all. But maybe I am seriously over-estimating the difficulty of flirting in bars and hence miss out my chance by hardly ever trying.

Posted by: S. at March 10, 2007 3:16 AM

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