Lollapa-Loser
My boyfriend, who shows signs of narcissism and misogyny, enjoys your column, and no wonder, as you often indirectly side with men by making women look like jealous shrews. Even if you are right, maybe these women who write you need somebody to be nice to them. As for my boyfriend, his mom is a lifelong nut job, which has to affect how he sees women. It probably doesn’t help that I didn’t have very positive role models growing up, either. He can be a real jerk, but he’s hot, sex can be great, and we both enjoy going to alt. rock venues. I guess I’m in a love/hate thing with this “piece of work,” as an astrologer called him. Maybe he’s my karmic payback for not wanting kids?
--Torn
“Torn”? Of course you’re torn. You’re a woman dating a misogynist -- a woman-hater. This is like being a black girl dating a guy whose leisurewear is a pointy white hood, or a Jewish girl with a thing for neo-Nazis, or, better yet, Elie Wiesel on a dinner date with Eva Braun. This isn’t to say there’s no love in your relationship, as your boyfriend’s also a narcissist -- probably prone to blurting out “I love you so much, it hurts!” while you gaze deep into his eyes and he gazes over your shoulder into the mirror.
Luckily, you’ve pegged the real problem here, which is…me? And then there’s the moon in Aquarius, Mommy retrograde, and/or what looks to be a guy flipping you the bird in Saturn. Or, maybe it’s “karmic payback” -- the ridiculous notion that, behind the scenes of the universe, there’s some cross of Buddha, Santa, and a tax accountant calculating who’s been naughty and nice, and doling out jerk boyfriends to the intentionally barren. In reality, evidence points to “fate” being pretty random: 4-year-olds sometimes die horribly in car accidents -- and probably not because some balance sheet showed them sneaking cake before dinner or committing a cold-blooded triple murder.
Maybe your real-real problem is blaming everything short of acid reflux for your current situation. Come on, you aren’t with this guy because you lacked “positive role models” growing up, but because you lack a sense of personal responsibility now that you’re grown up (or, at least, taller). Lots of people have rough childhoods. At 6, I’d already killed Jesus, or so I was told -- which made me rather unpopular, and about as assertive as lettuce well into my 20s. That wasn’t working, so I went off and worked on myself -- until I could toss off the punch line, “Yeah, I whacked him, and I got away with it, too!”
The last thing anybody writing me needs is for me to be “nice” so they can feel better about draining their life into a dismal relationship. Many of the life-wasters are men. Many more are women. And, if I had to pinpoint the single biggest misery-maker in relationships, it’s women who see having a relationship as a substitute for having a self. The runner-up? People loath to admit that their relationship isn’t exactly a hailstorm of bliss, and it’s time they exercised a little control over what they let into their lives, and what they let stay. Granted, there can be extenuating circumstances, like when your partner seems unique and irreplaceable; you know, like one of those rare men who’s into sex and rock ‘n’ roll. It could be tough landing that again -- unless, of course, you’re willing to pull on a tight T-shirt and spend 10 seconds in a beer line at a Weezer show.
Being assured by peers that "You killed Jesus" at a young age is a hard thing to deal with. I just responded "Who? You can't prove it."
Anon at April 24, 2007 10:34 PM
Does this girl even read your column? Ever?
1. "maybe these women who write you need somebody to be nice to them" They probably have plenty of sympathetic buddies that coo over them and give them hugs...and nothing that really helps them out of the situation. They need a spoonful of reality and honest advice.
2. Spending most of the e-mail talking about how her boyfriend is a jerk, his mom's a jerk, and that you're an insensitive jerk (way to treat someone you're asking for advice). Nothing about where she's accountable for anything. Lack of personal responsibility, indeed.
3. Bringing the astrologer/karma into the conversation. ???? Nuff said.
She sounds like more of a narcissist than she makes her boyfriend out to be.
Jamie at April 25, 2007 6:51 AM
The karmic paybacks for intentional childlessness are a full retirement account, yearly ADULT vacations, walking around a quiet house naked, no police on your doorstep, and a red convertible.
Joe Schmuckatelli at April 25, 2007 7:51 AM
I never thought to live long enough to see Buddha and tax accountant in the same sentence. Now, I feel a lot better about the career choice I made about 20 years ago.
To the lady, who is "Torn", not wanting kids should not be a thing to be rewarded or punished by payback from anyone. I don't think cockroaches expect baby showers by multiplying. Why does it suddenly become a holy event if humans marry and multiply?
Chang at April 25, 2007 9:36 AM
No bit of advice will help this person. She will make up excuses to herself and anyone who hasn't enough of a life to listen to prove the absolute correctness of her life choices. But if you're reading, Torn, maybe it is that you enjoy the meanness? Or is it that you think so lowly of yourself you wouldn't even try for better? Ooooooh rock concerts and sex! So rare to come by. Be a groupie; you'll get it all the time.
kg at April 25, 2007 1:54 PM
You want nice, wholesome advice? Write to Dear Abby... You want the truth with a little tough love? Write here!
kari at April 25, 2007 2:12 PM
"My boyfriend, who shows signs of narcissism and misogyny,"
You know, when my boyfriends show signs of narcissism and misogyny, they quickly become my ex-boyfriends. Maybe that's just me.
But hey, I am most grateful that she doesn't want kids, because man, there's no way that woman should be breeding, at least not without a LOT of therapy.
marion at April 25, 2007 5:32 PM
I would love to hear how her boyfriend describes her.
"Yeah she's a total whack-job but MAN! she's a demon in the sack."
OR
"Yeah she's a pain in the a$$ but she'll do until someone better comes along."
I wonder if her narcissist claim is based on the fact that he doesn't focus on her as much as she believes he should.
Best part:
" Even if you are right, maybe these women who write you need somebody to be nice to them."
I'm sure cancer patients do too, but a caring bedside manner is no replacement for a course of chemo-therapy.
Levendus at April 26, 2007 5:16 AM
You know, I find it ironic that this chick is writing into Amy in high dudgeon that Amy is soooo mean, when in reality, I've NEVER seen Amy rake anyone over the coals who didn't richly deserve it. On the flip side, I still remember an "Ask Amy" (not Alkon) column that WAS truly mean. A woman in her 20s wrote in about her father, with whom she'd never had a good relationship, and who now only wanted to spend time with her when she or her husband could do something for him...to the point of being nasty to her when she tried to get him to go out to dinner for Father's Day (with her treating!). She had a new baby and essentially wanted permission to stop beating her head against the wall that was her "father." What she REALLY wanted was some compassion. What she got was snarky condescension from Amy, who said that her father would always be her father, and that she should keep trying, because hey! maybe her mother had kept them apart and it was all HER fault. Because that would totally explain why her father would be willing to spend time with her when he needed her to do something for him. Doesn't matter how dysfunctional someone is - they can be nasty to you, they can lie to you, they can open up credit accounts under your name and ruin your credit beyond hope of recovery (this was an "Annie's Mailbox" case), but hey, if they gave birth to you or are otherwise related to you, you can't cut off contact with them, or you are EVIL! And their behavior is probably ALL YOUR FAULT!
Sorry, that was a very long-winded digression. I'll get back on track by saying that I've never seen Amy dismiss anyone who wrote in to her in genuine pain just to make a "good" column. Her advice may be, erm, bracing, but sometimes the very nicest thing you can do for someone is to tell them that they deserve better and their duty as an adult is to DTMFN, whether the MF is their emotionally abusive mommy or their emotionally abusive boyfriend.
Anyway, back to the regularly scheduled snarking. Just had that rant against some of the other advice columnists brewing for a while, and it needed an outlet...
marion at April 26, 2007 9:14 PM
"The karmic paybacks for intentional childlessness are a full retirement account, yearly ADULT vacations, walking around a quiet house naked, no police on your doorstep, and a red convertible."
...that and dying alone and forgotten, the last of your genetic lineage. Hear that? It's the sound of cultural suicide.
Hillbilly Geek at April 27, 2007 10:22 PM
... unless you find another way to leave some footmarks in the world. People are not necessarily remembered by their children only.
Simon at April 28, 2007 3:28 AM
Most of the people in nursing homes have kids, who never visit them. Having kids is no guarantee that you will have company in your old age.
If you have a large network of friends, and are involved in the community, you have a better chance of a happy dotage.
Chrissy at April 28, 2007 6:43 AM
Thank you, Chrissy! I was about to fire the big laserbeam of death at Hillybilly Geek, but you managed to respond in a rational, sane manner and made some great points, too.
I'm childfree and 37. I have a very active social life with lots and lots of acquaintance-type friends and then a handful of very close ones. I don't need kids to have close, meaningful relationships now - so why would things be any different when I'm 80?
I have a good relationship with my parents, but wanna guess how they spend most of their time? The same way I do - with their FRIENDS. People their own age! I really wonder where this idea that you need kids to have company in your old age comes from. When you're old, your kids are going to have lives of their own and aren't going to be sitting next to you every day. You're going to be hanging out with other old people!
And the genetic thing ... dude, you are about seven strands of DNA removed from a chimp, same as me and everyone else. There are like six and a half billion people on this planet, and their DNA isn't really all that different from each other, and who cares? Why on earth should I give a crap whether I pass on freckles, healthy teeth, and nearsighted vision? There are plenty of other people who have all those things. I just don't understand the desire to "leave something behind." The planet would probably prefer that you didn't.
Pirate Jo at April 29, 2007 6:58 AM
Ah, yes. Like my mother always told me, the foundation of a good relationship is a love of going to alt. rock venues.
kevin_m at April 29, 2007 9:51 AM
Only too glad to fire my own laser beam at those living in a Norman Rockwell painting.
And now that we have learned that chimps are more evolved than humans, I think the chimps should be passing on their DNA, and us humans should step aside!
Chrissy at April 30, 2007 11:30 AM
I just discovered your column - the way I suspect many others have - being bored as hell at work. This one is great! She sounds like a real brainiac. i just hope for her sake this was meant to be a joke.
Otterluva at May 15, 2007 2:33 PM
Thank you so much. If you're so inclined, you might request that the local alt weekly or local daily (the features editor) pick it up.
And sadly, I think most of the letters I get are real -- including this one.
Amy Alkon at May 15, 2007 5:59 PM
You wrote: "At 6, I’d already killed Jesus, . . ."
You killed Jesus? Gee! What is the secret of your longevity?
Fred Ransom at August 4, 2007 7:57 PM
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