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Hunk In The Trunk

I’m college educated, with a professional job that pays well. My boyfriend of two years does manual labor, makes much less money, and has poor financial prospects. He’s a simple guy, and we may not have many deep conversations, but he’s loyal, good to me in many ways, and we’re sexually compatible. He’s 43, and I’m seven years older, but I look pretty good. He’s very tall, in very good shape, and very good-looking. The problem: Whenever some of my girlfriends come to the house, they’re so distracted by his looks that they stare at him a little obsessively. This is the one significant issue interrupting our relationship. How can I stop worrying about this and find peace of mind?


Which of the following doesn’t belong? 1. I have a rare fatal form of B.O. 2. I’m in the middle of a bear breeding ground wearing a necklace of beef jerky. 3. My boyfriend is tall, buff, and incredibly hot.

Sorry if I sound unsympathetic, but as problems go, “My boyfriend’s too good-looking!” is right up there with “I make too much money!” and “I own too many villas on the Italian Riviera!” It is conceivable that your girlfriends find your working man Adonis glance-worthy, but are you really running around dabbing their chins for drool? Come on, what goes on at your house, you invite the ladies over for drinks, while directly in front of your bay window your boyfriend slowly peels off his tank top, picks up his massive ax, and starts chopping wood?

Granted, girls do look longer at good-looking people. As do boys. Even the very youngest boys and girls. University of Exeter researcher Dr. Alan Slater showed newborn babies pictures of faces, and found that they gazed longest at the faces adults rated as more attractive. In the long run, though, grownup women are looking for more than eye-candy, which is why the girl supermodel might lie down with the boy supermodel, but she’s likely to partner up with some obscenely wealthy Hobbit. Even regular girls duke it out for a man with status and potential -- if not a tycoon, at least a driven guy who seems to be making something of himself. While your boyfriend may round out his hotitude with a golden heart and many fabulous qualities, in the Big Man On Campus department, he’s currently the pool boy.

If this doesn’t quell your fears about his poachability, maybe you’d be more comfortable with an ugly boyfriend. Or blind friends. Or, if that’s a bit much to swing, try getting more comfortable with yourself. Start by asking yourself, what’s the worst thing that could possibly happen? He’ll leave you? Okay, maybe that he’ll leave you for a stripper named José. Still, you’ll live -- even if the latter takes you a while to live down. At the moment, the wisest thing you could do is put a handbrake on that low-self esteem. From the picture you paint, there’s a good chance you have little to worry about; well, except that your worrying is sending him the message that he’s dating down. Nothing lowers a girl’s value quite like her own low opinion of herself. All you can do is recognize that you have a lot to offer, and hope he recognizes it, too. So, why not live for today instead of living in fear that he’ll be gone tomorrow? That way, you’ll be handcuffing him to the bed for the right reasons -- meaning you don’t follow up the click of the lock by leaving the room to have a scenery-free yak-fest with the girls.

Posted by aalkon at July 10, 2007 11:22 PM


Seems to me insuecures real problem is not that her freinds are running her guy thru stripergram fantasies in their own minds. Seems to me she is unhappy that her guy is 'does manual labor, and had poor finacial prosprects'. I'd be willing to bet that 'simple' and lack of 'deep' conversation means he ins't that interesed in her line of work

I think she is looking for a reason to dump him that isn't as shallow as money and status.

Personally I think she is blowing her girlfrinds 'obbsession' out of proportion in an effort to shut him out. This way he will start looking elsewhere and then she can claim he is cheating and she'll be the victim rather that the shallow shrew she seems to be.

But then again maybe I'm just paranoid.

Posted by: lujlp at July 11, 2007 1:21 AM

That was great,lujlp-- you should be a shrink.

There is no question she has contempt for this loyal, kind, "sexually compatible ( read "f***s my brains out'") man , who is probaly a very good fellow.
'Men who are sensitive, caring, and affectionate but who, in the eyes of their female partners, cannot provide an adequate material investment are likely to be discarded." p61. Townsend,' What Men Want- What women Want"... Women are such pigs.

Women want not just emotional investment-- a man who is willing to share his material resources with her--- but ALSO a man who can acquire those resources. Women are such pigs.

So she will dump this Adonis.

What he should do is dump this over-the -hill 50 year old and bang some hot college girls. Ultimately --find an average looking receptionist who will be happy with him as a human being.. she has to be average-- or she will seek to barter sex for a better income-producer.

Its great that us guys don't treat people like objects like women do. Men never judge -- and then reject-- a woman because of how much money she makes, her job, education, or income prospects. Now, how she looks in a bikini may be a real issue, though....

Posted by: jedwards at July 11, 2007 2:58 AM

"In the long run, though, grownup women are looking for more than eye-candy, which is why the girl supermodel might lie down with the boy supermodel, but she’s likely to partner up with some obscenely wealthy Hobbit."

Ha! Reminds me of this couple, Salman Rushdie and his ex-wife who recently divorced:


Also Dennis Kucinich:


Posted by: beansworth at July 11, 2007 5:54 AM

"I'd be willing to bet that 'simple' and lack of 'deep' conversation means he ins't that interesed in her line of work"

...and I'd be willing to bet that he IS interested in how much she EARNS in that line of work. Not everyone has a glamorous job that their S.O. will want to discuss. But she said "little deep conversation," in other words the relationship is dull and not stimulating. Hot Boyfriend either has an empty skull or he feels a similar lack of stimulation (outside of the bedroom).

She sticks around 'cause he's hot, he sticks around b/c she's got a juicy 401k, and they both like the crazy monkey sex. They need to decide if those are good enough reasons to be in that relationship.

And I wouldn't be shocked if, upon breaking up, a girl "friend" of Insecure snagged Mr. 8 Pack Abs.

Posted by: Gretchen at July 11, 2007 6:41 AM

Maybe this hot guy is totally into older women, otherwise I'm sure he would be banging cheerleaders.

The other option is that he is a bit of a golddigger and enjoys the lifestyle she provides for him. I know a number of relationships which are based on this kind of arrangement, where the guy just shows up, does a few things to keep his woman happy, and in exchange, has a better lifestyle than he could on his own.

Posted by: Chrissy at July 11, 2007 6:52 AM

Wow... women are pigs!

Posted by: Melissa G at July 11, 2007 7:24 AM

Oh woe is me, that I should have such a problem.
Oh wait, I do. My BF and I were having lunch at the local pub on Sunday, when in walked a dear friend of mine from high school with her mom. I called them both over, hugs and kisses all around, and then introduced them to the BF. "He's gorgeous!" the mom sputtered. "Why, yes he is," I replied. BF turned several shades of red and mumbled "thank you." We all had a lovely lunch, and then they went on their merry way, and he and I went home and spent the afternoon in bed. Lucky me! That woman needs to get over herself and be grateful for what she's got, not looking for ways to sabotage it.

Posted by: Flynne at July 11, 2007 8:12 AM

beansworth thanks for the info on the kucinich! I've always liked him as a person, now i like him even more that I read about his crazy hippie wife. They should rub me the wrong way but for some reasonn I've taken a real shine to them.

Posted by: PurplePen at July 11, 2007 8:43 AM

Kucinich did very well in the marrying market!

Posted by: Amy Alkon at July 11, 2007 9:24 AM

FWIW - I'm an Ivy League-educated attorney, and being thoroughly white-collar has never made me more inclined towards having "many deep conversations."

Posted by: snakeman99 at July 11, 2007 4:42 PM

Ivy League Law products are OK but nothing like the lawyers put out by real law schools like Texas or Virginia. Its always good to have a legal education, even if you have to go to an Ivy League School to get one.

Posted by: jedwards at July 11, 2007 6:04 PM

I wonder if she has even TRIED having "deep conversations" with him?

Maybe she should keep him locked up when her friends come over, and only let him present himself to serve her and her friends drinks? ;)

Posted by: Morbideus at July 12, 2007 12:25 PM

Whenever I meet a woman who is giving me that prospective look I tell her I'm an out of work prosessional balloon animal artist then clock her to see how fast she disappears. It's what I do for entertainment at this age.

Posted by: jon at July 12, 2007 4:56 PM

Gretchen wrote: "She sticks around 'cause he's hot, he sticks around b/c she's got a juicy 401k, and they both like the crazy monkey sex. They need to decide if those are good enough reasons to be in that relationship."

This is the most succinct and accurate summation of an issue letter to Amy that I have ever read!

Posted by: M at July 12, 2007 5:46 PM

It's what I do for entertainment at this age. Jon What age is dat?

Posted by: The Mad Hungarian at July 15, 2007 4:12 PM

I'll bet Jon is late 20s early 30s...

Posted by: Chrissy at July 15, 2007 4:29 PM

My bike messenger/truck driver husband and I have more deep and intellectual conversations than I've had with many Ivy League types. Blue collar hunks can be wicked smart and well read, sometimes they just don't fit in well in the white collar world for whatever reason (he dropped out of a Ph.D. program in advanced mathematics, not because he wasn't smart enough, but because he lost his faith, essentially.) The assumed dichotomy between blue collar mindless lunk/white collar smart guy really irks me. And my high-IQ bloke has great legs, too!

Posted by: Anathema at July 16, 2007 10:19 PM

What does insecure want? My boyfriend also makes much less money, has poor financial prospects and is less educated than me. But he's kind, loving, loyal, funny, we don't have intellectual debates but we can talk about everything. And he's very good-looking. I am bloody lucky! And if my girlfriends or other girls look at him I feel proud.

Posted by: Sasha at July 25, 2007 5:54 AM

I can't find fault with this poor young lady. I was in a 10-year relationship with many similar characteristics, and yes, all of my female friends were attracted to him. I was fine with it the whole time, because I trusted him and had no reason to worry. When we broke up, I found out that I should have been a little more paranoid because he was, in fact, sleeping with all of them.

Posted by: Angela Brady at October 25, 2007 1:20 PM

The fact that a guy is good looking doesn't mean he's unethical.

The therapist Nathaniel Branden once told me that people will tell you what they're all about -- providing you're willing to look.

Wishful thinking is what people often use for blinders. Hoping it'll turn out okay instead of looking at who they're with.

Posted by: Amy Alkon at October 25, 2007 1:35 PM

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