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Apocalypse Eventually

My girlfriend of four years is sweet, smart and sexy, in a vanilla kind of way, but I’ve never felt passionate about her. We’re both grad students and we were getting sick of our respective roommates. My girlfriend wanted to move our relationship forward, and found us a great deal on a rental, but we had to act immediately. Although I had misgivings, it seemed too hard to say no, so I signed the lease. Now, I realize it was a mistake. I’ve wasted my 20s with a nice but boring girl. I want to get out, meet more women, and live a little, but the lease complicates everything. I’d be leaving her not only heartbroken but unable to pay the rent and needing to get a roommate. I'd sort of like to stay roommates with her and be able to date other people, but I know that'd never fly.

--Supremely Stuck

There are all these things you really want to believe: like, that you can lose 40 pounds on the Deep-Fried Twinkie Diet, gain three inches from a pill some guy in Romania is hawking over the Internet, and that the shifty guy behind 7-Eleven will sell you a brand-new Wii for $100 -- not a slightly used brick in a brand-new Wii box. And then there’s the idea that you could stay roommates with the ex you’ve just dumped and turn your shared apartment into a parade route for bar floozies you bring home. When your ex-girlfriend/roommate wonders about the racket, simply tell her, “That’s just the triplets in the shower.” I’m sure her response will be, “Oh, okay. Do you think they need more towels?”

A guy can dream, can’t he? Well, sure…and you do concede that this fantasy would “never fly.” But, you have a bad habit of giving reality the heave in favor of fantasies with the wings of an anvil: Boring girlfriends will get more exciting over time. Because you’d like to be attracted to somebody, you eventually will. And when you want to end it with your girlfriend, the thing to do is keep it to yourself, then sign a lease locking you into a one-bedroom apartment with her for at least another year.

Your defense? “It seemed too hard to say no.” Are you a man or a puddle? Breaking up with your girlfriend can have its downsides -- the screaming, the sobbing, the pleading, the lifelong resentment. Still, in the long run, there’s nothing quite so hard as taking the easy way out. Did you think you were doing your girlfriend a favor by sticking around vaguely dissatisfied for four years while she got more and more attached? When were you planning on breaking the bad news, upon hearing the question, “Is there any reason these two people shouldn’t be married?” You hang your head: “Uh, ahem, Father…I never should’ve signed that lease…”

Man up already and do the deed. Front your girlfriend a month’s rent so she can find a roommate. Get in the habit of scrutinizing everything you do and being honest with yourself and others instead of making self-serving excuses: “She won’t be able to pay the rent! She’ll have to get a roommate!” The apartment’s a “great deal,” probably in a college town, and probably not one on the Arctic Circle. She’ll manage. So will you if stop putting off today’s unpleasantry until tomorrow -- which leads to fun scenarios like never cleaning your bathroom, and never cleaning it, and never cleaning it, and getting to the point where the only hope is not Comet, but arson.

Posted by aalkon at February 20, 2008 12:31 AM

Comments

"Mary," you say (or whatever her name is), "Mary, since we've moved in together I have come to feel that I don't see my future being with you. I'm sorry if this hurts, but I'd like to move out. I would like to still be friends with you."

Say how you feel about things. Don't be side tracked into analysing what went wrong or what her feelings are: statements about how you feel cannot be disputed, and are not threatening or judgmental.

Don't tell her she's nice but boring. If you must get near that topic, tell her you want more excitement or want to experience all the variety that life has to offer. Anyway, she's almost certainly not boring - it's your relationship that's boring you. With the right partner, pressing her buttons the right way, she'll probably blow some lucky man's socks off and swing from the chandelier.

Obviously, before you can talk about your feelings, you have to know what they are, so take some time out and think about yourself and jot down what you want to say. (Maybe you don't need to jot these down, but I would. Do whatever you need.)

Do this thing face-to-face, not by text or email or phone. Choose a time and place where there are no other issues - not her birthday party or when there are friends around or at the cinema, for example. Be ready for a show of emotion. As a friend, you can be supportive and let her cry on your shoulder.

Crying on your shoulder may lead on to other things. If she wants to have one last romp with you, go for it with good will. Otherwise you are rejecting her advances, and in my experience, women do not take rejection well. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." If you both know it's the last time, you can make it special for both of you. But the initiative, if there is one, must come from her: you've already said you're leaving.

Posted by: Norman [TypeKey Profile Page] at February 20, 2008 3:44 AM

Gosh, I'm going through the same thing with my boyfriend. We've been together for 3.5 years and I'm just want to be free and explore my other options.

He's great, nice, smart, loving, caring, handsome, but very relax and boring. We're both in school and are only in our early 20s and he's talking about marriage already.

***he's the type of guy I would want to meet in 5-8 years, the kind of guy I would want to settle down with. but I'm not ready to settle down.

I want to go out and experience the world first. Goshers......

Posted by: goshers at February 20, 2008 5:36 AM

Yeesh. Amy, you're so right, and so is Norman. Supremely Stuck (nice moniker) needs to suck it up and do the right thing, and the sooner the better. o_O

Posted by: Flynne [TypeKey Profile Page] at February 20, 2008 6:04 AM

"Still, in the long run, there’s nothing quite so hard as taking the easy way out."

Amy, I don't know if you claim original coinage on that but it is pure gold.

LW merits a little bit of slapping around for wondering if there is a way out of this mess that involves his current girlfriend taking messages from his new girlfriends. But let's all acknowledge that these fantasies don't come out of thin air. There is no model for a "typical" relationship anymore. "Open" relationships do exist and they happen because someone clenched his or her teeth and asked; because the partner said "whatever" and because friends and family shrugged said "if it makes them happy."

I happen to think that anybody that goes along with an "open" arrangment is just willing to be a doormat until the other person settles down.

But if he can't take Amy's excellent advice, he should get his things packed, put the extra month's rent in an envelope, set the right mood and "pop the question" on a Friday evening so they have until Monday to make bail. Maybe she'll go for it and he can spend a few months in the promised land before it comes crashing down, and it will.

Posted by: martin [TypeKey Profile Page] at February 20, 2008 7:09 AM

Amy's right, and so is Norman except for the part about wanting to remain friends. IMHO this is unfair and patronizing. She doesn't want to be "friends", she wants to be his girlfriend. When the person breaking up says this, it sounds -- to me -- like he wants things both ways. He wants to break up, but doesn't want to look like a meany, doesn't want the guilt of being the bad guy. Of course, LW sounds like a collosal wimp, for which Amy fittingly bitch-slapped him, and that's just my point. To my ears, it would sound somehting like this: "I'm dumping you, but I don't want to have to feel like the bad guy, so I'll throw you this worthless little scrap, and hey, if Norman's right, maybe you'll even approach me for one last romp, in which case I've pretty much won the jackpot, whereas you, oh yeah, you're heartbroken, poor thing, and I'm ever so sorry about that, but after all, I'm was only being honest about my feelings when I told you about my need for adventure. But to prove what a nice guy I am, and since this appartment is such a good deal, and I don't want to stiff you for the rent, I would even be willing to stay in the lease, as long as I can date other people." Uh, let's see: that distills down to: Me, me, me. That he would even entertain the idea of staying in the lease as a "favor" to her is outrageous.

Amy made the right call. LW needs to find his balls and move out.

I wish LW's girlfriend the sockless guy who will make her swing from that chandelier.

Posted by: Marie at February 20, 2008 7:24 AM

Been away, so glad to be back to catch up on the great columns and spot-on advice. Thanks Amy!

The "just be friends" line may be a little tired, but the sentiment is valid, I think. When you leave a relationship ideally you come to the realization (after some crying and a few buckets of ice cream or bottles of vino) that it was good while it lasted, take what you learned and move on.

If people broke up soon after they realized it was done rather than when they've reached a state of resentment and get mean, there'd probably be a lot fewer man/woman haters out there.

Posted by: moreta [TypeKey Profile Page] at February 20, 2008 9:05 AM

so right Amy, especially about turning this style into a habit...

Posted by: zapfilms at February 20, 2008 9:56 AM

I don't think he should be absolved of his responsibility with a check for one month's rent as he jets out the door. He signed a legally binding lease. It should be up to the soon-to-be-ex as to which party moves out. Why should she be stuck in the apartment and the search for a roommate when he's the at-fault party? Give her the option to leave if she wants or stay if she wants to get a roommate. But legally, he is still obligated to try to find a replacement roommmate. Whether this comes in the form of paying his half for a few months until she can find a new roomie or by finding one for her, it's up to the two of them to work out.

I'm not saying he should stay with her for the remaining year, by any means. He needs to man up and tell her face-to-face, like he should have done years ago.

What an ass.

BTW, great advice as usual Amy!

Posted by: Katelyn at February 20, 2008 9:59 AM

I don't think I could possibly disagree anymore with Norman's Stay friends and fuck her plan.

Friendship + Ex= NO! NO NO NO! NO!

Maybe if your the dumper, but dumpees generally need some space from their dumpers. I have seen too many friends stay "friends' with their ex's for YEARS and go through AGONIZING periods where they were having sex with them and then they might be getting back together but I don't know if but blah blah blah blah blah. And Years of potential dating time are now wasted on miserably longing for something that was OVER the minute one of you said it was over.

If you ever loved a person you should have the balls to get out of their life so they can get over you. Dragging it out so you can get your dick wet from time to time is just selfish.

I think it is healthier for both parties to take some time away from each other. And please don't get me started on having your ex be the person who comforts you after a break up. Ex Sex only works when neither party is still crying.

Also, I cannot even imagine a situation where a someone breaks up with me and then I have sex with them, UNLESS I thought it was make up sex. (in which case the other person is a giant asshole.) Frankly, if a girl wants sex from someone who doesn't care about her all she has to do is put on a skimpy top and head to the nearest location where alcohol is dispensed.

Posted by: Shinobi [TypeKey Profile Page] at February 20, 2008 10:40 AM

"But legally, he is still obligated to try to find a replacement roommmate. "

That sounds like the makings of a fabulous reality show (roommate hunter?) but even the law is not that much of an ass.

There used to be this thing called marriage wherein two suitably equipped youngsters would sign some papers that obligated each of them to a whole range of implicit and explicit accountabilities to each other. They could haul each other into court if they really, REALLY couldn't work it out but it was assumed by all that they would be allowed their privacy in exchange for a promise to keep their dirty laundry indoors and attend to each other's needs so no one else would have to. It didn't work out.

One roommate who decides to skip the lease on the other is not a new phenomenon. Someone is going to take a hit to the checking account but no one is legally obliged to find somebody a roommate or help pack the dishes or to swipe boxes from behind the liquor store.

Call the landlord, write a check and say goodbye, money well spent for a life of misery avoided.

Posted by: martin [TypeKey Profile Page] at February 20, 2008 11:06 AM

I know someone who stayed in a dead relationship for 5 years--that is not a typo--because she was sharing an apartment with her boyfriend and "couldn't afford to move out." Beats me why he either didn't move out himself or kick her out. They were nominally a couple, but weren't having sex, and each was seeing others on the side. I don't get it. I lived in a one-room rat hole in a really crappy neighborhood for a while when I was in school just so I could have a place to myself. Even if the LW's girlfriend ends up having to do the same, she's better off being free to find a guy who doesn't find her "boring" and unattractive.

Posted by: Grouchy Woman at February 20, 2008 12:36 PM

"I’ve wasted my 20s with a nice but boring girl." Wow harsh isn't the word for this. Is he saying that he's been with someone for 10 years or so that he did not feel passionate about. Friends with bennies has a time limit and it's a shit load less than 10 years. Also it's only good if both of you know it's just fun.

"in which case the other person is a giant asshole." He's only a giant ass hole if he knows (as in you told him) this is what's happening. Otherwise he's just a dumb ass, stupid can be both dangerous and painful. Assholes require malicious intent. To answer the obvious question: Yes it does make me feel a little better, but not much.

As usual not much to add to what Amy told him to do. Being friends with her after 10 years of lying is out of the question.

Posted by: vlad [TypeKey Profile Page] at February 20, 2008 12:59 PM

"My girlfriend of four years" This is not constant with wasting my 20s.

Posted by: vlad [TypeKey Profile Page] at February 20, 2008 1:01 PM

Martin, not to nitpick but a lease IS a binding legal agreement - not with the roommate but with the landlord. You are quite right though that when LW finally gets his nerve up to move out, he should contact his landlord and try to find some arrangement that suits all three parties.

I realize that the landlord is probably the least of LW's concerns right now, but it's an interesting ripple effect - thanks to LW's inability to say no, his landlord will probably have to take a loss while LW reacquaints himself with his cojones.

Posted by: BerthaMinverva at February 20, 2008 1:32 PM

One thing I'm kind of curious of. What is his definition of exciting and boring. If your idea of exciting is a brassy blonde (with a plastic front end) who has Borderline Personality Disorder then your an idiot and should go find your fun. However after you get flame broiled by one of these psychos don't you dare come crawling back to her.

Now if her idea of excitement is going to see Disney Movies as a couple making babies and baking cookies I can see his point. He's still a huge ass hole for agreeing to the lease. I let it slide for two weeks before I broke it off with a similar girl. I was her first crush that got physical and she was just a fling (as we agreed from the get go). Yes I still feel like an ass about it, she developed feelings before I noticed.

Posted by: vlad [TypeKey Profile Page] at February 20, 2008 3:34 PM

' "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."' I was just thinking that the next time somebody mentions this tired little phrase, I'm going to have to say something, and here we go. My comment is, when men are scorned, they can get violent, and some actually kill the woman who scorned them, so maybe the phrase should be 'Hell hath no fury like a man scorned'. But I digress...

Anyways, Amy has bitch-slapped this guy, and rightly so. He should find a pair of balls somewhere and do the right thing.

Hopefully he will leave this poor girl alone, and not be like so many guys who stay with a nice girl who is safe, and screws around with a woman who he's passionate about, thus wasting everyone's time, just because he can't figure out what he wants. I've seen it happen too many times, and can spot a guy like the LW a mile away, so I'm very good at avoiding these human train wrecks.

The nice thing about having lots of experience is being able to recognize a good thing when it comes along, and showing the appropriate appreciation to the person. I hope she finds someone who will appreciate her, and he has to let her go so that can happen for her.

Posted by: Chrissy at February 20, 2008 6:03 PM

Amy, great advice!

It's funny how you care for people and end up making poor excuses. In my last relationship, we were almost at 4 years, and things had been headed downhill for a long time - kinda boring, not open to much intimacy, etc. Yet, I didn't want to end it.
First, I was scared of being alone.
Second, wasn't sure it was the right decision.
Third, I didn't want to hurt her, as I still cared a lot about her.

Luckily, I was talking to a friend about it and he said that the absolute worst thing you could do was essentially torture a person by staying in a relationship with her. Man up and do the right thing.
As a side note, this is why I believe you shouldn't live with your significant other unless things are really really serious. Really. Don't do it. Why would you ever put yourself in a situation that makes it more difficult to get out if things head south? In fact, though LW doesn't mention it, it's quite likely that moving in is one of the factors that will break them up.

My philosophy is that if somebody isn't happy in a relationship and there isn't some kind of huge commitment (and sometimes even if there is), they should get out and not feel bad about it. You have to make yourself happy with your choices.

Posted by: Mike at February 20, 2008 10:37 PM

I find it so interesting how unaware people can be of the decision that's inherent in NOT deciding (read a little Chekhov some time). What was this guy doing while this poor girl "wanted to move our relationship forward," and "found us a great deal on a rental"? He says she's "vanilla," but at least she's ACTIVE. DO something. Damn! Sitting on your ass refusing to take any action means you've decided to accept the consequences of everyone else's active decisions. Eventually, you have to pay the piper--or at least the landlord, idiot.

I agree with Katelyn above. DECIDE to do the right thing and let this girl make the choice to stay or go. SHE doesn't appear to be incapable of actual activity.

Posted by: EvyMJ [TypeKey Profile Page] at February 20, 2008 10:49 PM

I have to wonder why LW finds her boring. He sounds rather boring. Can't act, can barely think and that only to reach out for what media tells him it is he wants out of life. Sounds rather Ken Doll. I'd get bored playing with him, I'm sure.

And, yep, if all those court shows I love to watch are anything to go by, he's on the hook for the money now that he upped and signed. She's stuck looking for a new roomie and making an effort to replace him but until she does, he obligated himself. Not sure if this changes if it's only a one bedroom. I would hope she isn't obligated to try and share a bedroom with someone new or pay alone but the law isn't always user friendly. Perhaps, the landlord will let them both out of the lease if he's in the right mood. Overall, I agree with give her the choice to stay or go, you heel, but we all know LW ain't that considerate.

Posted by: Donna at February 21, 2008 4:24 AM

Chrissy (6:03pm) -
"My comment is, when men are scorned, they can get violent, and some actually kill the woman who scorned them, so maybe the phrase should be 'Hell hath no fury like a man scorned'. But I digress..."

Oh yes, you've certainly digressed.

Are you at all familiar with Mary Winkler or Clara Harris or Mazoltuv Borukhova (to name just three recent cases)?

I'll not deny that men can, and do, snap in some cases when 'scorned,' but women are more than capable of murder.

Posted by: James Howard at February 21, 2008 6:28 AM

I made the "scorn" comment in the particular context of rejection. Men get rejected all the time, women less so. What do people think - are women less able to handle it, and more likely to turn nasty?

Posted by: Norman [TypeKey Profile Page] at February 21, 2008 6:44 AM

Both genders get rejected, and the 'woman scorned' implies that men can totally handle the rejection, whereas women get all, you know EMOTIONAL, and stuff. Everybody gets rejected, it hurts both men and women. It pushes some over the edge and both men and women can do crazy things.

Posted by: Chrissy [TypeKey Profile Page] at February 21, 2008 9:09 AM

I don't think "hell hath no fury" is about getting emotional. It's about what you do with your emotion.

Sure, both men and women do crazy things. Just like both men and women beat up their spouses. But that doesn't mean there's no difference between what men and women do. Is that what you are saying - there's no difference in how men and women handle rejection (apart from emoting)?

Posted by: Norman at February 21, 2008 10:23 AM

The gist of the adage is that women are not responsible for the things they say and do when they are upset.

It's on its way out but it is still reflected in plenty of society's institutions.

Posted by: martin [TypeKey Profile Page] at February 21, 2008 11:11 AM

LOL -- she's boring in bed but it can't possibly have anything to do with his super-human skills!

The LW is most definitely in his twenties.

Posted by: Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at February 21, 2008 1:18 PM

This is why you never ever let chicks move in with you. When things go bad they can realy go bad. If you are lucky you will only find all your stuff cut up and thrown outside. If not so lucky she can call the cops and tell them she is afraid of you. That means you get to pay the rent until the lease runs out on a place you can no longer live in. Be happy you did not sign a marriage contract. That's when all the fun and games begin.

Posted by: cybro at February 21, 2008 9:14 PM

Actually, cybro, there was a case like that on Judge Judy and the twit was suing for his half of the rent after getting the restraining order on him. She got what was coming to her for trumping up claims to get it (it was obvious as hell that she wasn't at all scared of him) and her case got dismissed because it amounted to eviction. She made with the big eyes and just couldn't understand why he couldn't live there when he couldn't come within so many feet of her. You can guess how far that flew with Judge Judy. And this was baby daddy.

Posted by: Donna [TypeKey Profile Page] at February 22, 2008 4:29 AM

"Be happy you did not sign a marriage contract. That's when all the fun and games begin." Don't marry or date psychos and the problem goes away. Most women are not going to go that far. Most women (just an observation) if you want to leave just pay child support and don't let the door hit you on the way out. Almost every guy has dated a psychos for the simple fact that they are the first to give up the gravy. Just thin of the Buck Cherry song "Crazy Bitch" there's a reason for the stereo type crazy bitch.

Him leaving puts her in a financial bind. This is both unfair and more importantly illegal.

Posted by: vlad [TypeKey Profile Page] at February 22, 2008 5:19 AM

"she's boring in bed but it can't possibly have anything to do with his super-human skills!" If she's not willing to try new things him being willing and able to groom his eyebrows with his tongue is of no consequence. BTW when did LW mention boring in bed. It would be my first assumption too. She may just lack a lust for life and be personally passionless as opposed to intimately passionless.

The girl I broke up with and still feel like an ass about the circumstances was precisely that. She could do things in the sack I'm not even going to go into. She had no passion for life, cookies and babies were her whole world.

Posted by: vlad [TypeKey Profile Page] at February 22, 2008 5:54 AM

"My philosophy is that if somebody isn't happy in a relationship and there isn't some kind of huge commitment (and sometimes even if there is), they should get out and not feel bad about it."

I keep seeing comments along these lines, and usually from men, I wonder how come it never occurs to these people that inbetween realising there's a problem and escaping that problem, there is also the option of trying to solve the problem first? In fact I'd say in a committed relationship it is your duty to say you have a problem as soon as you realise this and try to work at it together, rather than stewing til you've unilaterally decided how to play it. Nice partnership skills!

Posted by: Sasha at February 22, 2008 6:29 AM

"In fact I'd say in a committed relationship it is your duty to say you have a problem as soon as you realise this and try to work at it together, rather than stewing til you've unilaterally decided how to play it." Right but the LW has already passed this stage from what I can tell. Also what do you mean by a committed relationship?

Posted by: vlad [TypeKey Profile Page] at February 22, 2008 6:42 AM

Reminds me of a day way back in my 20s when I looked at my girlfriend and blurted out, "I am never going to ask you to marry me." The following several weeks were pure hell (she had a temper and I knew I was the heartbreaker, not breakee.) Funny thing was, two of her friends told me how much they respected me for being honest.
It was that modern day philosopher Albus Dumbledore who said we had to choose between doing that which was right and that which was easy.

Posted by: Mike S at February 22, 2008 8:33 AM

Easy can change your mind, though. Easy soothes the soul. Whenever I read stories like this one, I'm reminded of Henry VIII and how he pined for Catherine of Aragon after he divorced her; his marriage to Anne Boleyn was considerably more tumultuous, and she still failed to give him the son he so longed for. Do not underestimate easy. Easy -- that is, love, kindness, and the simple ability to get along daily -- is rarer than you think.

Posted by: Rob M at February 22, 2008 11:00 AM

From goshers:
>>Gosh, I'm going through the same thing with my boyfriend. We've been together for 3.5 years and I'm just want to be free and explore my other options.

>>He's great, nice, smart, loving, caring, handsome, but very relax and boring. We're both in school and are only in our early 20s and he's talking about marriage already.

>>***he's the type of guy I would want to meet in 5-8 years, the kind of guy I would want to settle down with. but I'm not ready to settle down.

>>I want to go out and experience the world first. Goshers......

If that is what you want, go for it. But, let me point out something for your consideration. Society is changing. Young women are assuming they can have a lot of fun, which usually means a lot of exciting lovers. Then, when they are ready to marry, they assume the type of men they rejected will still be there when they want them.

Men are talking, and a growing number of men have figured this out. In some cases, they are talking to other men about it. And, a growing number of women in their 30's simply cannot find a husband. Once in a while, we encounter a 30+ who is really unhappy because she has a desire to have a husband and kids, but realizes one day she has scr*wed the pooch permanently.

When the feminist movement came in over 40 years ago, the leaders assumed men would only change as specifically demanded, and could still be counted on to jump into the marital bed no matter what laws were changed or how many divorces there were or how much child support men were forced to pay while not being allowed by the ex- to see the kids.

I am elated to report the traditional insults and shaming language is no longer working on the most desirable men.

If you wish to investigate, the term is 'marriage strike' and several years ago, over 20% of all unmarried men admitted they were never going to marry, due to treatment they saw other men receiving in the divorce courts.

Sir Paul is a great testimony for our cause.

Posted by: Anonymous age 65 at February 22, 2008 2:15 PM

A college-town landlord, here. If both their names are on the lease, then he can't simply give her a month's rent and move out. He is *legally obligated* to pay up for the rest of the term of the lease. I know I check previous landlord references, and would tell all potential landlords who asked if the guy skipped out on a lease. Too, I wouldn't hesitate to report a guy who skipped on a lease to the credit bureaus, thus dinging his credit seriously.

Let this be a lesson to all your readers -- it's one thing to hang on in a lackluster relationship, waiting for the right moment to break up. It's another thing to sign a legally binding contract that forces you to stay in the lackluster relationship. Cowardice is its own punishment.

Posted by: Dana at February 22, 2008 4:06 PM

"If that is what you want, go for it. But, let me point out something for your consideration. Society is changing. Young women are assuming they can have a lot of fun, which usually means a lot of exciting lovers. Then, when they are ready to marry, they assume the type of men they rejected will still be there when they want them."

Having been involved one way or another in a very large and consistent social group for about 10 years I can confirm anecdotally that this is the case. Many women I met (and was summarily rejected by/ignored/dismissed by) are now, 10 years later, single and have very few prospects. Not only that, as they get older the desperation begins to show which just exacerbates the problem by running healthy guys off. I've seen a slow digression of the quality of the men they date. Granted this isn't a given but many of the tools they used to attract men 10 years ago don't work anymore and they aren't making the effort to change themselves.

Many of the men on the other hand are established, confident and having spent many years being rejected by women have developed some very good dating/people skills. They are going after, and able to get, the type of women these women were 10 years ago.

This is purely anecdotal of course so take that for what its worth.

Posted by: Dale [TypeKey Profile Page] at February 22, 2008 7:43 PM

Sir Paul missed his dead wife and married a complete stranger who reminded him of Linda. It was no surprise that the marriage didn't work, and just goes to prove that the famous are just as capable of making bad decisions as the rest of us.

Always look before you leap, guys, and don't act like a victim when the psycho bitch you're dating acts like a psycho bitch when you break up. But apparently sweet nice vanilla girls are boring...

Posted by: Chrissy at February 23, 2008 7:39 AM

"Always look before you leap, guys, and don't act like a victim when the psycho bitch you're dating acts like a psycho bitch when you break up. But apparently sweet nice vanilla girls are boring... "

How much do you want to bet that the same guys who date psycho bitch after psycho bitch are the same ones who whine that "women don't like 'nice guys' they just want jerks"?

Posted by: JoJo at February 24, 2008 9:09 AM

How much do you want to bet that the same guys who date psycho bitch after psycho bitch are the same ones who whine that "women don't like 'nice guys' they just want jerks"?

I was thinking more along the lines of a guy who always dates psycho bitches would say "all women are psycho bitches." That's been my experience with certain men I know, time after time. And you can't convince them otherwise. Likewise, women who always date jerks think all guys are jerks. They're all quite sincere about it, but it's frustrating, because it's a way for them to not confront themselves with their own problematic choices.

Posted by: Quizzical1 [TypeKey Profile Page] at February 25, 2008 8:28 AM

Mike S wrote "It was that modern day philosopher Albus Dumbledore who said we had to choose between doing that which was right and that which was easy."

This column made me think of this exerpt as well.
I've quoted it many times (the last time was when I was trying to explain to an acquaintence why it *might* not be acceptable to dump a girl via text message).

I also like this from Amy's response: "...in the long run, there’s nothing quite so hard as taking the easy way out."

Couldn't agree more. I've taken the "easy" way out. It resulted in months of slow emotional torture. Rather than a short period of intense pain, it was just months and months of nagging guilt, uneasiness, and vague nausea (all symptoms of the knowledge that you're a coward.)

..as for the LW and his girlfriend, I'd much rather a guy think I could deal with the truth rather than assume I'm to emotionally frail to handle his honesty.

If the LW hurts her, she will get over it. And she will be proud of it. If he stays with her, he will be subjected to the hell that is being intimate with someone you're not attracted to (and she WILL pick up on it).

The LW should pay his half of the rent until she finds a roommate OR pay to have the lease terminated (in my apt, that's about 3 months' rent). I live with my boyfriend. If I were to leave for ANY reason (job, other) I would a) pay to have the lease broken and b) pay him my half of 2 months' rent so that he'd have time to move. It's a lot of money, but I'd rather pay my life savings than leave someone in a financial bind on my account.


Posted by: sofar [TypeKey Profile Page] at February 25, 2008 8:47 AM

I agree, suck it up and move out, but make sure you carry your $$$ side of the deal until you find a replacement.

And, you never know, she may be thrilled to get rid of your boring self too.

Posted by: Helene at February 25, 2008 10:50 AM

Good one!

Posted by: Pussnboots [TypeKey Profile Page] at February 25, 2008 10:03 PM

Wow. This guy refers to her as "boring and vanilla". He's asking for advice on how to break up with her and comes off like Oliver Twist. I wonder who asked who out in this little mess? She can probably smell his lack of testosterone and is merely accepting the hand as the cards are dealt. It is amazing how a girl responds to situations where someone is left bleeding or when parents come to visit and there is not a single surface that hasn't been "tainted by the actions of the youthful". How in the hell did he become that effeminate?
Oh, and women that "want it all" and screwed all the way through until at 30 they heard the buzzing of that old biological clock? I'm actually looking forward to the desperation that will be in the air. At that time, I will be in my thirties, a graduate of a Big Ten University...hobbies that I love (the Air Force and books about war)...and a good job that feeds my ego. What they forget though is the fact that men genetically have a 20 to 30 year advantage on women.
Bottom line...too many people don't know what they want, or haven't thought it all of the way through.

Posted by: Blackjack [TypeKey Profile Page] at February 26, 2008 9:48 PM

So she's vanilla. Have you asked if you can put some chocolate syrup on her?

It's obvious you don't communicate well with her. She probably sensed your apathy in the relationship and came up with the roommate plan to secure your loyalty. Seriously, women are far better at determining what men are thinking than men are at figuring out what women are thinking.

So instead of bailing out on a nice girl. (and she does sound nice) Why not start opening up to her about the things you want in the relationship. If you want to go out more with her or go skydiving then ask her. If you want more sex ask for it. If you want to roleplay with her then ask for it.

(My ex-wife had a rape fantasy. Totally freaked me out.) OK maybe this is not a good example. OR maybe it is. She never communicated that she really didn't want kids or to work and she wanted me to help support her parents who were both poor and lived separately. She didn't communicate any of those things until after we were married. Who woulda thunk?

Of course you could just walk away. If you do then my advice is to tell her, "I can't give you what you want." IMHO the best break-up line ever devised. Then give her a months rent and kiss your deposit goodbye.

But be warned. You have what appears to be a good foundation. Finding yourself unable to communicate your needs with this woman and then breaking up with her won't improve your chances with the next woman. At some point you will probably marry (if you are a reckless idiot who ignores divorce statistics) and you will experience the same communication problems you face now. Of course when those communication problems lead to divorce you will be losing a lot more than your deposit.

Posted by: Jean Valjean at February 28, 2008 12:51 AM

"...men genetically have a 20 to 30 year advantage on women"

I don't understand what you mean by this. Can you explain?

Posted by: Chrissy at March 2, 2008 7:29 AM

Chrissy,

The "20 to 30 year advantage" was that women's "biological clock" ends the child-birthing age for them at about 40. Men however can father a child beyond the age of 70.
There is also the consideration that for men, as society dictates, gray hair and wrinkles give character.

Posted by: Blackjack at March 2, 2008 11:41 PM

When you turn 70, let me know how many fertile women you're having sex with. (I'll still be on this blog!) Golddiggers & prostitutes don't count!

Posted by: Chrissy [TypeKey Profile Page] at March 5, 2008 7:39 AM

Chrissy,
I hope that I remember to message on this board then... Golddiggers and prostitutes...no matter what you always pay, one way or another. While married men may live longer than single men that's not necessarily a good thing. Indoor cats live longer than outdoor cats as well.
I plan on settling down when I'm around 40 I think... That's been the way it's been for the men in my family for the past 2 generations. I just think it's annoying how many guys are this f*ckin' whiny. "She's a nice girl, I don't want to hurt her...blah blah blah feelings never grow back" then he'll end up married and make this realization some day and kids will be in the picture...bad ju ju.
Whiny guys piss me off. Make a decision!!

Posted by: Blackjack [TypeKey Profile Page] at March 5, 2008 3:28 PM

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