Wood If He Could
You helped me exit a bad relationship with an extremely sexy but not-so-nice woman. I've started dating a very nice woman, but she's about 40 pounds overweight, and I'm not getting aroused. We've tried sleeping together several times, but I cannot stay...well, you know, serviceable. Where do I go from here?
--Limp
Your body is trying to tell you something: "I don't care how sweet she is compared to the last girl, we're not going in there." And don't think you're doing her any favors, either. There are those men who are hot for the meatier ladies. She might be in the company of one of them if she wasn't waiting around for your limp biscuit to rise. What is this, penance for dating a woman you actually found attractive, at least on the outside? We all have minimum standards for looks, personality, and character, and it's kindest to refrain from getting involved with anyone who doesn't meet yours. As much as you might want to want fat and sassy, if you're hot for "welcome to the dark side" with a figure like a paper cut, all you're ever going to be screaming in bed is "I swear this never happens."
I thought that was sort of sad. Maybe he is too into his feminine side? With our parts we can pull off being with a nice person we are just mentally hot for, but guy parts are different, like you allude to.
Suki at August 11, 2009 8:39 PM
While we hear that you should judge someone for their personality, and not their looks, that only works in social settings, at the office etc..
Somewhere through evolution, we all have traits that arouse us, and apparently she doesn't have what arouses you.
This might be the time to use the George Costanza line from Seinfeld.
"It's me it's not you."
David M. at August 12, 2009 6:27 AM
Sad. But ya know, he likes what he likes, and if it isn't the chub, then he needs to find someone else. And you're right, he's not doing her any favors by hanging around and trying.
Flynne at August 12, 2009 6:55 AM
Yup. Move on. You are doing her a favor. Yourself too.
Spartee at August 12, 2009 7:58 AM
It is possible to find a woman who has a smoking hot slim body, and a sweet personality. He might assume that all beautiful women are bitches, and that's not fair to those who aren't.
He should just tell her that he's not feeling the chemistry between them and get out as soon as possible.
Chrissy at August 12, 2009 9:45 AM
i can't help but wonder if the "chemistry" they lack may not actually be due to the few extra pounds...
i have noticed among my own circle that there are those who gravitate towards the a$$holes, even when the nice guys are hot...
however, it doesn't matter "why" it only matters "that" & he needs to go with his gut & stop wasting her time...
hahahathud at August 12, 2009 10:51 AM
It is possible to find a woman who has a smoking hot slim body, and a sweet personality.
Sure it is, but they're few and far between.
If this guy is dating women over 30 or so, he's going to have to get used to not being physically attracted to them.
This is why Viagra is so popular.
Marko at August 12, 2009 11:10 AM
So maybe he was turned on by his old girlfriend's bitchy-ness, not by her hot bod. If that's true, he's aroused by drama. He should figure out what it is that turns him on!
Chrissy at August 12, 2009 11:13 AM
Hey Marko, bitter much?
Chrissy at August 12, 2009 11:16 AM
HUH?!? I'm saying that he needs to give unattractive women a chance and that makes me bitter?
I'm sorry, but it's just the truth. Do you find a lot of 50+ men attractive?
Marko at August 12, 2009 11:33 AM
There are lots of hot women over 30. I don't really understand what you're saying, why you would need Viagra?
I don't date men that I don't find attractive (I'm not the SPCA), and what I am turned on by is probably different than what other people are turned on by.
've seen a few guys over 50 with hot bods, so I'm not age-ist, I'm fit-ist. I'm turned on by guys with toned, swimmers build type bodies, preferably very tall, at whatever age that might be.
If you're going to date someone, you should have chemistry, and should find each other attractive.
Chrissy at August 12, 2009 12:06 PM
Marko -
Have you looked at Christie Brinkley lately? 54.
I'm not normally into women older than me, but I've seen a few and said "I'd hit it."
Maybe you're just in a place where the women don't give a shit what they look like.
brian at August 12, 2009 1:05 PM
I should have known better than to acknowledge that people get less attractive as they age.
OK I'm wrong, they actually get MORE attractive!!
All the young guys really want to get together with cougars, and the girls are going crazy for 45 old year old men - but they can't get them because their 40+ year old wives are even HOTTER!!!
It's all true!!
LOL
Marko at August 12, 2009 4:33 PM
Marko:
Nobody said that, you stupid cunt.
You, however, said:
If you honestly believe that there are no attractive women over 30, then you're probably gay. Or a pederast.
I'm just sayin'.
But in this specific case, dude can't get a chubby for a chubby, dig?
brian at August 12, 2009 4:43 PM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2009/08/wood-if-he-coul.html#comment-1662438">comment from MarkoMen are hard-wired to go for hot young women, and women are hard-wired to go for providers. Women denigrate men who go for hot young women because they feel threatened. Women care less about men's looks (save for tallness and symmetry, per research -- although their penchant for how masculine a man they want seems to vary with their cycle and whether they want a one-night stand or a relationship with a potential dad). Women go for older men, men with money and power, while a guy won't care if a woman's got a big job if she's ugly. Most men I'd be interested in would want an attractive woman who's age-appropriate, not just a toy, but the fact that she's attractive is extremely important to them.
I've never cared that much whether a guy was fat or ugly, as long as he was brilliant, ethical, rational, and tall, and impressed me with his mind and entrepreneurial thinking. Also, any guy I've been interested in has made me laugh -- a lot. But, with very smart humor in the moment, not by telling jokes. (Geoffrey Miller writes about humor as an adaptation for girl-getting.)
Also, I have to respect the judgment of any man in my life. When I'm unsure of something (besides what shoes go best with a dress - that's a job for Sergeant Heather) I can usually ask Gregg and get the feedback from him that helps me make my decision. And that goes for literary stuff -- although I don't always agree with him -- and stuff like what time I should leave to get downtown on time. He's a man, a real man, and he really knows how to do life. If a man isn't a better man than I, he just isn't for me.
Amy Alkon at August 12, 2009 4:48 PM
>>Nobody said that, you stupid cunt
You brian, somedays I just love your wit
lujlp at August 12, 2009 5:25 PM
Luj, some days I just slice like a hammer.
brian at August 12, 2009 6:39 PM
Marko,
The thing I'm trying to wrap my arms around is your statement that all women over THIRTY are unattractive. THIRTY?? Half of our sex symbols are over thirty!
I think your standards are a bit whacked. Take a peek at "Ask Men's" top 100 hottest women for 2009. I didn't look at all of the women (I don't have time and frankly, I never heard of a bunch of them), but the list includes (at the number one spot) Eva Mendez (35), Angelina Jolie (34), Charlize Theron (34), Halle Berry (almost 43), Eva Longoria (34), Kate Beckensale (36), and Heidi Klum (36). Do none of them meet your demanding standards? You'd require viagra to sleep with them? Really?
Gail at August 12, 2009 7:59 PM
Brian said: "Nobody said that, you stupid cunt."
I admit it, I laughed.
Gail at August 12, 2009 8:08 PM
Well I didn't actually claim that all women over 30 are unattractive. That's something that Brian came up with.
There are plenty of 30+ women who are attractive. For instance, my wife is 38 and she's a knock-out.
But if you're dating women over 30, you're dealing with women who are single, not all women who are 30 or older. So you've got to ignore all of the women who are married or in relationships.
You should also ignore hollywood celebrities. Most men aren't going to have a chance to date a famous actress or fashion model - like Eva Longoria or Heidi Klum. Let's be serious!
Anyway my point was that if you're dating women this age, you should try to look past the woman's appearance. I'm not trying to offend anyone.
Also the comment about Viagra is accurate. The reason that Viagra is so popular with older guys is that it enables them to get an erection when they wouldn't otherwise. It's not because there's suddenly been an epidemic of Male Erectile Dysfunction.
Marko at August 12, 2009 8:47 PM
You may not have said it, but you insinuated it half to death.
And then you kicked it, just to make sure.
I like the assumption that the single women over 30 are unattractive. Is that like the supposed women's rule that if he's 40 and he's never been married he's defective?
There are a large number of women over 30 who have never married, and are not presently in long-term relationships. I know several, and most of them are pretty hot.
Oh, and if you've got a dick that lets you look past appearance, you've got a pretty unique johnson. Or low standards. Nothing wrong with that. I mean, ugly girls need lovin' too. They just aren't getting it from me.
brian at August 12, 2009 8:53 PM
Brian, I think you called it a while ago. Marko lives somewhere where people take shitty care of themselves and don't give a crap what they look like. They're all toothless, fat and wrinkled as soon as they hit the big 3-0. Poor Marko.
Gail at August 12, 2009 9:04 PM
on the other hand, a change in appearance is only a gym membership, a few well-chosen pieces of clothing, a hair dryer, and some makeup away. a change in height, intelligence, etc. takes, i think, much more drastic effort.
anyway, back to the LW: why did he start dating the girl, much less get in bed with her, if he didn't find her attractive to begin with? dang.
jane at August 12, 2009 9:15 PM
"anyway, back to the LW: why did he start dating the girl, much less get in bed with her, if he didn't find her attractive to begin with? dang."
I kinda get it. I just don't see why he's dragging it out.
Years ago, I dated a guy I was crazy about, until I discovered he was a cheat and a liar. I dumped him immediately. A few months later, I hadn't met anyone I was remotely attracted to, and my friends kept pushing a very, very nice guy at me. He wasn't hideous or anything, I just didn't dig him. "Give him a chance!" they said. "Attraction can grow!" So I did. And it didn't. I gave it about a month, basically because I kept thinking "but he's so nice!" I realized I had to end it because I just couldn't bring myself to sleep with him. And you know what? He got another girlfriend right away. Good for him. And I learned a valuable lesson. Good for me.
Sounds like LW did the same thing, only he slept with her and still keeps trying to talk himself into being attracted to her. Fact is, you need more than nice. You need sexual attraction. It's not fair to either of you to drag something out when it's not there.
For all that people always say "attraction can grow", I have never, ever found that to be the case if there was none there to begin with.
Gail at August 12, 2009 9:32 PM
Attraction leads to love, not the other way around. It's like science or something.
brian at August 13, 2009 4:57 AM
Also, I think Chrissy had a point that the LW needs to at least consider: is he not attracted to her because of visuals, or is he not attracted to her because of lack of drama? There are lots of people who confuse any strongly expressed emotion for love. Perhaps he's so unaccustomed to being treated like a human being that he's confused about how to react.
Cousin Dave at August 13, 2009 2:05 PM
Well, as Quagmire said, "Fat chicks need love too...but they gotta pay!"
Kidding.
This guy should do the right thing and dump this woman. I have more sympathy for her, honestly...I dated a man who had, um....issues...attaining verticality (it was due to medication he was taking for depression) and although I knew it wasn't me-at least I hope it wasn't me!-it still made me feel awful.
If he's not attracted to her, he's not attracted to her, and it's not gonna change. Sure, he could try to nag her into turning into what he finds hot, but that's not fair to her, as there is surely someone out there who would be willing and happy to have sex with her just the way she is.
Choika at August 13, 2009 4:09 PM
To Amy's comment about how males and females are wired hit home for me.
I am mid 40s and going thru menapause and wow-has it changed how I look at men. I used to go for hot young things w/ nice bodies and altho I tend toward chunkiness myself, I never had trouble finding a boy toy type. Lots of hot young guys like a voluptuous older woman.
Now, luckily, I found a guy almost my age(2 1/2 yrs younger-but looks 30s) and fell in love. The thing is I do still find hot young things attractive(I have not gone blind or anything!) but also find older men attractive, as well. Never did before except for a couple of hot actors.
I wonder if now that the breeding idea is in the past, now I see what's hot about any attractive man, even if he isn't a young buck. I seem to be able to see attractiveness in any age man who looks good.
I will admit I was always sort of like a guy in my relationships-ok, honey, I'm done, can you get dressed and go home and play now?
One of my gay friends always says I am like a gay man trapped in a straight woman's body- I like hot guys, am always arroused and am good at decorating....but whatev!
linny at August 15, 2009 12:32 PM
"If a man isn't a better man than I, he just isn't for me."
Amy, that's a really great line, and as things should be. (Me, male).
Sam P at August 17, 2009 2:57 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2009/08/wood-if-he-coul.html#comment-1663247">comment from Sam P"If a man isn't a better man than I, he just isn't for me." Amy, that's a really great line, and as things should be. (Me, male).
Thanks, Sam. And I did keep looking until I found a man's man the way they used to make 'em. And we're very happy together.
Amy Alkon at August 17, 2009 6:17 AM
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