Resistance Is Feudal
After hearing stories of my dating misadventures, a married woman advised me, "If a girl tells you she wants to be friends, immediately tell her you have enough friends and walk away. You will more often than not be remarkably surprised by her actions after that." I nodded, but really have no idea what that means.
--Befriended Again
Believe a girl when she tells you she wants to be friends -- if you're both 5. At 25, it's usually code for "I find you sexually repellant." For some girls, however, it's code for "I find you sexually repellant but potentially useful." It sounds like your married friend wants you to understand that "friends" isn't going to morph into "with benefits" -- unless you're willing to count the warm glow you'll feel when you unclog the girl's toilet just in time for her date. Her advice is good in concept; just don't take it literally. Squeak "I have enough friends!" and storm off, and you should indeed be "remarkably surprised" -- by how quickly one man can go from the "friend zone" to the "no chance in hell with any of her friends zone."
I hadn't thought about the potential backlash of telling someone who wants to be "just friends" to fuck off and die, but the "no chance in hell with any of her friends" is a good enough reason to take rejection in stride.
Patrick at September 23, 2009 1:04 AM
Like in Die Hard 2 when McClane gets told by Major Grant "I was just starting to like you" and McClane kicks him off the wing of the plane into the engine and he says "I've got enough friends!"...say it just like that.
Red at September 23, 2009 2:16 AM
"Let's be friends" usually means "I'm not attracted to you but let's be civil when we meet in public". ie "Let's not make things super awkward for all our mutual friends and acquaintances".
So the answer is to nod, and to be civil when you meet in public or in social situations.
If you storm off after saying you don't want to be friends, the story will go around, putting pressure on your mutual friends not to invite the two of you to the same dinner parties. This will piss off your friends.
NicoleK at September 23, 2009 5:33 AM
"I want to be friends" is not all that complicated. It means "I like you as a person, but I do not want to have sex with you." Lots of people fall into that category. If you like her, then go ahead and be friends and go find someone else to shag.
MonicaP at September 23, 2009 7:09 AM
I was actually on a first date, when the woman reached over, as if to shake hands, and said, "Platonic Friends?" I sort of laughed at that, and answered, fuck Plato, I've got friends." She nodded at that. We finished the date in her bed.
Frank. at September 23, 2009 8:09 AM
To me a "friend" is someone who actually cares about me.
Unfortunately the term "friend" as it's used in phrases like "let's just be friends" is worlds away from that. Same with Facebook "friends" or "friending" someone... another blow not only to relationships but to basic English grammar.
vi at September 23, 2009 9:37 AM
"Like in Die Hard 2 when McClane gets told by Major Grant "I was just starting to like you" and McClane kicks him off the wing of the plane into the engine and he says "I've got enough friends!"...say it just like that."
Red, I almost died laughing when I read that. Nice!
Amy, as usual, great advice. I never even thought about how that would eliminate the possibility of dating the girl's friends. Now that I think about it, I have had many amicable breakups and some of my "exs" have ended up dating or marrying one of my friends.
Blondie at September 23, 2009 11:02 AM
Telling a girl you have enough friends certainly does eliminate your chances with her girlfriends.
Case in point. Met a guy and on our first date he told me straight up that he had enough friends so if things didn't work out between us he didn't want to remain friends. After a few more dates, guess what? It didn't work and I broke things off with him, and taking him at his word didn't try to remain friends.
However, he decided that he liked my friend and called me to ask if he could date Jaime. Being a good friend to J I put the option out there and she said no (why does she want a guy who doesn't want a friendship?) But I didn't tell him that at first, I simply told him I thought it was pretty sleazy that he didn't want to be my friend until he wanted to get to my friend. He was dying to be friends after that! at which point I told him that J didn't want a guy who didn't value friendship.
He no longer wants to be my friend :)
kjm at September 23, 2009 12:49 PM
The let's be friends thing is meant to ease the rejection but has taken on a life of its own. I would much rather a man be honest and tell me he isn't interested or even give me the let's be friends speech than have him blow me off or lead me on. No need to be rude and say I have enough friends. Be thankful that its honesty instead of games and then move on to someone who can't imagine just being friends with you.
Kristen at September 23, 2009 7:44 PM
Speaking from observation and experience………….
If the guy is hurt and upset and “squeaks” it out, he will look like a crybaby douche.
If the guy just smiles and says it with power and amusement, the girl may have second thoughts.
The only way to possibly get out of the friend zone is to be gone. Hanging around only pushes you deeper in that hole.
The “Tao of Steve” should be a mandatory movie for all men over 13 years old.
David H at September 25, 2009 5:21 AM
Speaking from observation and experience………….
If the guy is hurt and upset and “squeaks” it out, he will look like a crybaby douche.
If the guy just smiles and says it with power and amusement, the girl may have second thoughts.
The only way to possibly get out of the friend zone is to be gone. Hanging around only pushes you deeper in that hole.
The “Tao of Steve” should be a mandatory movie for all men over 13 years old.
David H at September 25, 2009 5:21 AM
Something is off with the blog comments software. It errored than posted twice. Sorry.
David H at September 25, 2009 7:33 AM
I like your answer. There's a touch of truth in that advice as in 'don't allow yourself to become her handyman". On the other hand "Let's be friends" (depending at the context) could also be a well-meant 'I really like you but not in a sexual way'. I hate the assumption that any girl rejecting him would automatically be after using him if she suggests friendship, and that they need 'putting in their place' somehow. Way to communicate that you're only interested in someone if you get to fuck them! Sometimes people just aren't attracted in that way. Deal.
If someone says 'let's be friends' after a first date and you didn't really know each other before then, then fair enough. They're either letting you down gently or hoping to rope you in as backup. If you're already acquainted though... Rejecting someone isn't a pleasant thing to do, and many women try to be gentle about it. If you then demonstrate yourself to be an asshole, well I guess she was right in turning you down.
Arwen at September 26, 2009 12:55 PM
I like your answer. There's a touch of truth in that advice as in 'don't allow yourself to become her handyman". On the other hand "Let's be friends" (depending at the context) could also be a well-meant 'I really like you but not in a sexual way'. I hate the assumption that any girl rejecting him would automatically be after using him if she suggests friendship, and that they need 'putting in their place' somehow. Way to communicate that you're only interested in someone if you get to fuck them! Sometimes people just aren't attracted in that way. Deal.
If someone says 'let's be friends' after a first date and you didn't really know each other before then, then fair enough. They're either letting you down gently or hoping to rope you in as backup. If you're already acquainted though... Rejecting someone isn't a pleasant thing to do, and many women try to be gentle about it. If you then demonstrate yourself to be an asshole, well I guess she was right in turning you down.
Arwen at September 26, 2009 12:56 PM
I like your answer. There's a touch of truth in that advice as in 'don't allow yourself to become her handyman". On the other hand "Let's be friends" (depending at the context) could also be a well-meant 'I really like you but not in a sexual way'. I hate the assumption that any girl rejecting him would automatically be after using him if she suggests friendship, and that they need 'putting in their place' somehow. Way to communicate that you're only interested in someone if you get to fuck them! Sometimes people just aren't attracted in that way. Deal.
If someone says 'let's be friends' after a first date and you didn't really know each other before then, then fair enough. They're either letting you down gently or hoping to rope you in as backup. If you're already acquainted though... Rejecting someone isn't a pleasant thing to do, and many women try to be gentle about it. If you then demonstrate yourself to be an asshole, well I guess she was right in turning you down.
Arwen at September 26, 2009 1:44 PM
i swear
why oh why are so many men waiting around to hear they are only friends,
make your move early and forcefully enough; if the results are bad go for a beer, then go to bed.
bill at October 1, 2009 1:55 PM
oh, then never look for her again
bill at October 1, 2009 1:56 PM
I was a pretty young woman (once) and all the guys I knew wanted to date me at some point or another. I often MEANT it when I said I just wanted to be friends. I was not sleeping around, I wanted to be in committed relationships and if I was ditched by every guy who ever asked me out I would have missed out on some great friendships.
Some women want to be friends with guys they are not interested in romantically. Why is that so hard to believe?
angel at October 21, 2009 3:24 PM
i know this is an old post, but just in case anyone is still looking through the archives... - when i first met my husband, he wanted to date and i wanted to "just be friends". he told me that he was not interested in friendship and if i didn't want to go out with him, fine, but he wouldn't be hanging around like he had been. i had never had a man stand up to my "let's be friends" line before - i was shocked! long story short, five years later and we are happily married with three kids! the guy doesn't have to be a jerk about it, just be honest about what kind of relationship you're interested in.
katiejane at December 8, 2009 2:08 PM
As Amy wrote, there is no utility in being blunt or nasty. "Lets be friends", is a non-blunt, non-nasty way for saying she is not interested.
Accept the offer, then forget about her.
If she contacts you and really wants do to things as friends, great. You got another friend.
If she contacts you only to do things for her make up a polite excuse about a previous engagement. Then forget her again.
Steve at June 13, 2010 8:55 AM
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