Tying The Not
For two years, I wanted to marry the woman I was dating. She wants to be married but said she'd never have strong enough feelings for me. I guess I assumed she'd never "waste" years with me unless she secretly thought I might be Mr. Right.
--Frustrated
If you say to a woman, "I wonder what our kids will look like," it's kind of a bad sign if she says, "Yeah, me too, and if your kids will end up playing with my kids." Unlike all the people who string romantic partners along, this woman did right by you -- giving you the gift of no hope. As for her "wasting" time, maybe she wants to marry but is content for now with the extended-stay one-night stand. When somebody tells you you'll never get what you want, you have a choice: stick around and continue never getting it, or make tracks and seek it somewhere else. Sometimes, leaving can help your partner see a gaping hole in their life (and here's hoping it isn't because you tripped on the power cord to their media center when you stormed out).
That's quite a blow. Poor guy. But at least he knows.
Patrick at November 25, 2009 1:37 AM
That does kind of suck, doesn't it? After some time passes, though, he might find that she wasn't such a great catch to begin with. Maybe it's time to find someone with the same goal as the LW's.
old rpm daddy at November 25, 2009 4:49 AM
It's been said that you should never settle for something, because then you get less than what you settled for. I think that's true regarding relationships, and why so many people tend to be unhappy in them. Some people just want so badly to be in a relationship, that they don't care who it's with. But yeah, as Patrick says, at least this guy knows where he stands.
Flynne at November 25, 2009 4:52 AM
She has told you her feelings. Don't ignore them.
You would be better off spending your time looking for someone who is looking for what you're looking for.
David M. at November 25, 2009 6:27 AM
"She wants to be married but said she'd never have strong enough feelings for me."
If your goal is marriage, go find someone else who is overjoyed at the prospect of marrying you. There are billions of women on the planet; replace this one with another from that near-endless bullpen.
Spartee at November 25, 2009 6:40 AM
My brother had to wheedle and cajole his first wife into marrying him. Guess what-- that one didn't last! His current (awesome) wife, however, cried with joy when he proposed. That relationship is a keeper for so many great reasons, and the reaction to the question of marriage was just an overflowing outward manifestation of how great they are together.
M at November 25, 2009 6:48 AM
Amy's hit this one out of the park. She's been honest. Now you need to decide. Are you willing to settle for this relationship, at least until she meets Mr. Right, or are you willing to move on and look for your life partner?
Bill
Bill McNutt at November 25, 2009 7:30 AM
Wow. LW doesn't say at what point in those two years she told him her feelings. I hope he hasn't invested too much time hoping she'll change her mind.
Pricklypear at November 25, 2009 7:41 AM
A few years ago, there was a guy I dated for about a year. I'm not one to push for declarations of love, or to set timetables on things. I'm not interested in getting married, so I don't fall into that trap of feeling like I'm "wasting time" if I don't get a certain thing within a certain amount of time.
However, after a year, it was pretty evident that this guy didn't love me. He was certainly a nice enough guy, but it would certainly fit the description of what Amy called the extended-stay one-night-stand. I enjoyed his company and found him attractive, and it was nice to have him come over a couple evenings a week with a bottle of wine and a movie. But I realized I wanted to be with someone who loved me. So I broke it off with him and found someone who loves me, and have been very happy in my current relationship now for two and a half years.
I still talk to that former boyfriend every now and then, because we do have some mutual friends, and I still think he's a nice guy. He didn't lie to me, or tell me he loved me when he didn't. He admitted outright that he didn't. I appreciated his honesty, and he had always treated me with respect.
There was a woman in his past who he actually did love, once. It was a long time ago, and I don't think he's still carrying a torch for her or anything - it's more that love just isn't important to him. Maybe it will find him someday anyway, but if not, he seems quite content with his life the way it is. Good for him, I say.
I feel for the LW, he's clearly had his feelings hurt. But you can't manufacture feelings for someone. It doesn't sound like his girlfriend has treated him badly or anything. Hopefully he can come away from this and view it as a learning experience, and remain on good terms with her. Sometimes you try and don't succeed, and that's just part of being human. It might help if he asked himself what he would have done differently. Then remember it for next time.
Pirate Jo at November 25, 2009 10:29 AM
I made the same mistake, only I spent nearly 5 years with a woman who made similar comments. And surprise surprise (not), when she eventually got bored of the "extended-stay one-night stand", she left.
Somehow it's hard for people like us to believe that there are people like that out there, especially when the "mythology of women" teaches us that women supposedly don't do that sort of thing.
If you're looking for someone to spend your life with, then rather get out now, before your 'wasted' 2 years becomes a wasted 3 then 4 then 5 years. It isn't coming right.
Lobster at November 27, 2009 3:32 PM
Honesty is the best policy. Would you rather have her claim that she's washing her hair or that she simply isn't attracted to you? I personally think that option B is actually more respectful (except in the minds of insecure, narcissistic men, of course).
mpetrie98 at November 30, 2009 6:25 AM
Talk about damned if you do and damned if you don't -
She's honest enough with you to let you know what not to expect, and you still bag on her.
I'm sick to death of men painting us as horrible scheming women, using our feminine whiles on them to entrap them, then breaking their hearts when it goes south.
If we want to get married they say we're suffocating them. If we don't we're wasting their time?
This woman is the ideal. She's just here for the beer and she's letting you know about it up front.
Enjoy that. And if YOU need more, go out and get it, you whiner.
Ruth666 at December 2, 2009 1:35 PM
I think it's human nature to always want the opposite of what you have.
Since my divorce I've had no interest in getting married again, or even living together, yet every guy I've dated has tried to move me to that juncture. Then when I turned them down, I was the bad person. These same guys had complained about all women previous to me trying to trap them into relationships, marriage, living together, you name it, so I was theoretically the ideal girlfriend.
It's an ego thing, I guess. Go figure.
Chrissy at December 2, 2009 3:38 PM
Leave a comment