Agreed. My friends and I have gotten ourselves into awkward situations in the past by lying about having boyfriends. Really, the adult thing to do is just be clear (yet kind) about not being interested. If he continues to pursue, then drop the "kind" part.

>>>The moment a guy shows interest in you, decide whether you have any interest in him, and shut him down right away if you don't. Whatever you do, don't create boyfriend fiction you'll have to maintain.

Wow. Awesome advice. I'm literally flabbergasted, so simple and yet never occurred to me!

Thanks so much!

It's the kind thing to do.

"Literally flabbergasted?"

No, you're not "literally flabbergasted." You are flabbergasted.

Now you're probably ticked off, too, but friends don't let friends abuse "literally."

Walter Moore, you are literally an asshole. Who does that?

P.S. I'd enjoy slapping you.

I'm interested in how she got from being flirty with the guy to lying about a boyfriend to stop the mildly creepy emails, with no stops in between. I hate when people do that. They say that they're being nice by not just saying they don't want to go out with the other person, but it's really about avoiding conflict. I'm not saying be mean about it, especially since this guy's part of a group of her friends, but don't avoid the conversation altogether. Talk to the guy at least. And ignoring the emails sends a message in itself, so that's a viable option. I like Amy's advice to figure out what his motivation is and proceed accordingly.

Gspotted:

No, I am FIGURATIVELY an asshole, not LITERALLY an asshole.

Forgive my defending the English language. I know it's terribly annoying, but when I see the word "literally" misused, it figuratively makes my head explode.

Perhaps you get mad at toilet seats being left up. It's kind of like that, only with words.

LOL at the slapping comment. Violence and bad grammar: it's not a pretty combination.

I know the difference, I just wanted you to see it again as a form of desensitization. It makes your head explode? c'mon seriously? BTW I'm very pretty, you'd enjoy the slap.

I could only enjoy a slap administered by my utterly wonderful wife. But I'm glad you have a sense of humor.

I once found a rose and a note on the front seat of my car after work from a co worker. Because he was the big hairy biker type, I fretted all night about what to say to him when I went to work the next day. I decided to be very up front and told him while I thought he was a nice guy, I didn't think we had enough in common to consider going out with him. To my surprise, he THANKED me for being honest with him and told me how much he appreciated me just telling the truth. I was relieved that he took it so well and I didn't have to feel awkward around him at work.

NumberSix, where does it say that *she* was flirty with the guy?

This topic is related to another topic we discuss out here often... The lack of manners. Back in the old days, mothers taught their daughters how to properly deal with an unwelcome advance. My mother always told me that if a guy had the courage to approach you, he was paying you a compliment and to treat it as such....no matter how dorky or unattractive he might be. Somewhere along the line this changed and now this information is no longer communicated to our young. Sad. I think this lack of manners has created a lot of confusion and bad blood between the sexes.

Well . . . the editor in the corner has to quibble a bit with the "literally" dust-up. According to Webster's, the definition of "flabbergasted" is "overwhelmed with shock, surprise, or wonder." I don't rightly see why "literally" would not in fact apply here. The reader was, in fact, overwhelmed with such feelings. I'm not even sure how one could be figuratively overwhelmed. Maybe if one put air quotes around said word?

Don't get me wrong, I too am driven almost, though not quite literally, mad by sloppy writing. But this does not seem to be a case of same. Am I missed some nuance, Herr Doktor Moore?

Yours grammatically,

AT

Sheepmommy,

The flip side of that is teaching your sons to approach gals with a sense of manners, and back off if the gal is not reciprocating interest. (You also have to teach your attractive sons how to avoid the stalker teen gals and the rare creepy older gay dude, because those crowds can be scarily forward about wanting sex from guys they fixate on.)

How many mothers or fathers even address the topic of making or avoiding passes with their kids? Close to zero, from what I can see.

Most parents I know essentially pretend their kids are Ken and Barbie dolls--very pretty facsimiles of sexually mature humans but without real sexual functions or desires.

Most of those parents then express rage, suprise and frustration when they discover that their post-pubescent human offspring act like nearly every other post-pubescent human, who almost invariably go find a sex partner. /headshake

Folks, remember how you felt at 16? Yeah, they feel the same way. Don't pretend they are not feeling that way. So parent!

(Oh, and moms, your teenage son is dealing with a powerful desire for sex that you, in your whole lives, likely never even came close to dealing with. Be a good mom and don't approach him about sex too much--ask his dad, coach or uncle do that. Trust me, this is not an area he wants to discuss with *you*. Sorry, moms. Just the way it is.)

I'd put this one on the list of "best advice ever."

Almost everyone wants to be treated with respect. Guy was, at best, a klutz. The response was more dignified than he deserved, but unless he's a real jerk, he learned something. If he is a violent jerk, LW may just have avoided lighting his fuse.

Why don't they teach this in school?

He's just a klutz unless there are other stalky behaviors we are not privy to. Yeah Amy hit it on the head just be up front with him. Especially some one this clueless won't respond properly to lets just be friends. He'll see it as "not now" instead of "No" which is what you want to convey. I was that way when I was younger and more nieve.

BTW I'm assuming LOL speak will get me in really deep water here with anathema Walter?

[sarc on]

I don't know, let's not condemn the guy till we see some photos. Maybe she really is irresistable and it's not his fault. Can we have the butt close-up with a thong please? We do flattery good round here.

[/sarc off]

NumberSix, where does it say that *she* was flirty with the guy?

Anne, I think N6 inferred it from "I felt flattered, then got a case of the ickies". I think unintentionally - it's nice to have people compliment you - the LW welcomed it a bit, then he got too forward and suddenly it was too much. But from his point of view maybe it looked like flirting. Still, Amy's point is right, best not to invent imaginary boyfriends. As N6 said, just tell him she isn't interested and deal with it from there.

Not to mention that the "trusted male friend", if he is willing to lie for her, may be trying to get into her pants too. Maybe not, but who knows. Maybe the email guy is the least of your worries LW.

Well, I'm not Walter Moore, Anathema, but the reason "literally flabbergasted" is inappropriate is precisely because one couldn't be flabbergasted in a figurative sense, so there's no need to indicate that the use of "flabbergasted" is not figurative. People have taken to using "literally" pretty much any time they want to add emphasis, which detracts from its actual meaning (to signify that something is not figurative or exaggerated). Something like "absolutely flabbergasted" would have gotten the point across more correctly in this case (and created some lovely assonance, to boot).

Mind you, anyone who has ever been through legal discovery in a trial or arbitration would have better sense than to send emails saying "What a great butt you have". Reading what you wrote five years ago on professional topics can be cringe-worthy enough without that coming up in the lawyers' office.

Never, ever, put anything in writing you aren't willing to defend in public.

Unless it's here in which case go right ahead.

Good for you, Walter! I feel the same way about "awesome".

Oh, cripes--sorry, suzi! Didn't mean to pile on you.

Mizireni hit the nail on the head.
That is EXACTLY what I was going to say: one is either flabbergasted or not. One cannot be figuratively flabbergasted, despite the alliterative appeal thereof.

Spartee,
You are absolutely correct. Boys and girls both need training in civility. I guess I focused on girls bc we were talking about the LW. I am constantly talking to my dd about how to treat people....even the ones who piss you off or approach you in an awkward manner.

Wait, there are women who actually feel they have to write to an *advice columnist* because some guy they met complimented their body and tried to hit on them? Come again? Is the LW 12? Most even slightly attractive women deal with this sort of stuff all the time, it's really nothing. The guy might even have forgotten about it already.

Or are her looks so rarely complimented that she feels it's an especially unusual incident, and now she really just wants to brag about it, and give her own ego a boost because she gets to pretend to be 'icked' (and therefore look down on someone)?

Someone once shared with me an insight given to him by his lawyer: "The 'e' in 'e-mail' stands for 'evidence.' And that's how I treat all written communication.

"Now you're probably ticked off, too, but friends don't let friends abuse "literally." "

Sorry to break it to you, but the word "literally" has long ago weakened to have a figurative sense (language tends to do that), and it's so commonly and universally used and interpreted that way that it does not even generate double-takes or second thoughts, so this horse has long ago left the barn. It's not really a case of "abuse", it's just a thing humans do with words. It's even in dictionaries already:

http://www.macmillandictionary.com/dictionary/british/literally (sense 1 a)

If you want to pick nits over this, you'll have to offer a new word to convey what "literally" originally meant, e.g. "actuallyreallyliterally", perhaps. I'm afraid it wouldn't be long though before people started saying things like "My head actuallyreallyliterally exploded", and you'd have to come up with another new word ... it's a losing battle. There is a case for a prescriptive approach in grammar, but in vocabulary, less so.

I thought exactly the same thing, Lobster. Come on, a guy clumsily hit on you, why would you have to manufacture drama over it? Sounds like you're bragging and trying to engage as much attention onto yourself as possible. Please be kind to this guy and get over yourself already. It's really not that big of a deal.

"Come on, a guy clumsily hit on you, why would you have to manufacture drama over it?"

'manufacture drama' --- succinctly put! In fact, I notice now she even wants to drag a *third* person into this manufactured drama in which she is centre-stage, by not just lying about it, but coaxing another guy to lie.

M-W Unabridged: literally
1b: in the literal meaning of the term : ACTUALLY, REALLY

"Literally flabbergasted" seems ok to me.

MW Unabr. costs about $50 per year.

There is a good, selfish reason why some women don't adopt the "shoot them down definitely and quickly" gameplan.

The reason: She would lose either half her friends, or all her friends.

"Stringing them along": Getting men pussy and women free car repair since 200,000 B.C.!

I don't think a plea for more selflessnes is going to change peoples behavior anytime soon, Amy.

The problem with typing "Im literally flabergasted" is flabergasted implyies overwhelmed with shock, shock implying the inability to move.

Had she writen " I was literally flabergasted" it would have been fine

The 'literally' frustration is like people's propensity to say 'really unique'. That's like being a little pregnant. Unique is one of a kind - you can't modify it.

This is a problem? A guy you know, he hangs with you--not a weirdo stranger--texted you, and likes your butt?

Oh, the horrors.

You know, one time (when I was young and handsome) a fellow alumni showed up at my doorstep, with hanky-panky in mind. Uninvited. (I think a year or so after graduation, different city).

Somehow, I got over it. I wasn't insulted, and I did my duty to satisfy that booty.

My youth was sometimes wasted, but there were moments.

"M-W Unabridged: literally
1b: in the literal meaning of the term : ACTUALLY, REALLY"

And the full thing: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/literally

"1 : in a literal sense or manner : actually
2 : in effect : virtually
usage Since some people take sense 2 to be the opposite of sense 1, it has been frequently criticized as a misuse. Instead, the use is pure hyperbole intended to gain emphasis, but it often appears in contexts where no additional emphasis is necessary."

Decrying the general misuse of English is a good thing, but I'm afraid that using "literally" figuratively is one of those cases where the decrying is literally just plain wrong. There is more than enough abuse of the English language that I'm quite sure, with some effort, one should be able to find *real* cases of abuse without having to resort to conjuring up "fake" cases.

NumberSix, where does it say that *she* was flirty with the guy?

Ltw had it right about what I was thinking, Anne. I inferred it from her statement in the letter. I'm not saying she was intentionally flirting with him to get a response and then changed her mind, but she hangs out with him in a group at least occasionally and his clumsy electronic advances were welcome at first. She wasn't trying to think of a way to turn down a stranger or someone she doesn't want to be around at all, which makes it harder for her, I guess. I've been there and done the wrong thing: treating his flirting as if he were joking, leading him on because I didn't want to have the awkward conversation with a sort-of friend who was also a coworker. Not the way to go, I tell you.

Ltw: You've obviously taken up residence in my head. You don't need to immediately vacate the premises, but I do ask that you leave the place a bit tidier than you found it. I can use the help.

Lobster, This is really interesting to me, probably just bc I like moving forward:

"Sorry to break it to you, but the word "literally" has long ago weakened to have a figurative sense (language tends to do that)"

I often wonder what the new software that turns talk into type(ie Dragon) will do for the english language.

As for manufacturing drama, well, I get enough of that right here...

Lobster:

Shall we bring others up to our high standard, or shall we sink to theirs? Whether the subject is grammar or manners, I prefer the former. Many people take cell phone calls during dinner in a restaurant. That doesn't make it right. Many people mangle the language. Same story.

And do you really want to be someone who uses "literally" when "figuratively" is the correct word? Do you want to be the one who says "really unique?" Not me, man.

By "watering down" the language, we lose the ability to convey thoughts precisely. Words lose their meaning, and the next thing you know, it's Armageddon: dogs and cats, living together. (I hope you remember that scene from Ghostbusters.)

I won't figuratively -- or literally -- beat a dead horse. I've said more than enough on this vital subject already. Plus, I'm pretty sure the dog's bowl is empty.

You've obviously taken up residence in my head. You don't need to immediately vacate the premises, but I do ask that you leave the place a bit tidier than you found it. I can use the help.

I'm afraid that might be a problem NumberSix - I've lived in the same house for 14 years, and it's a mess. I recommend an eviction notice, or possibly an exorcism :)

Walter, I think you missed my point a bit. I agree that we should hold others to a high standard in the use of language. I'm one of the biggest advocates for correct language use that you'll find. But using "literally" for hyperbole is simply put, not incorrect use, and that is just a fact of the English language, no matter how much it might not be to your personal liking, this particular case is a matter of style --- it is valid and correct to use "literally" for hyperbole. We often stretch the literal meaning of words to make them more figurative and it is perfectly valid to do so (in fact, linguistically, it would be almost impossible to get away with not doing so), and the word "literally" is not accorded some special exemption from the rules of language use just because it happens to be an ironic and self-referential case. It is precisely because I fight for correct language use, that I also against incorrect *arguments* attempting to decry language abuse, however well-intentioned they may be.

@Walter Moore

Should it be, "Perhaps you get mad at toilet seats' being left up."

This cracked me up as I live in a Spanish speaking country & just learned that the way I was saying "I really like you" means in this region "I am sexually attracted to you and wanna fuck you"...kinda like that character in that 70´s show - maybe I should wonder why the men I really like look at me funny? Maybe this dude is English language challenged or tone deaf.

Agree w Walter about literally. Its overused. misused. But Walter you are a bit of a nerd.

"nerd" too good a word
when arrogance prevents man
from keeping mouth shut

My haiku for Walter Moore ;)

>>The moment a guy shows interest in you, decide whether you have any interest in him, and shut him down right away if you don't.

Dear GAWD if only someone had sat me down and firmly told me this when I was about 16. And perhaps repeated it every year until I was, I don't know, 30? That's when I figured out on my own that I wasn't doing myself or the guys a favor by not letting them know their attraction to me was not reciprocated. I've never been a mousy meek little thing but still, somehow, had this screaming horror of hurting a guy's feelings. As far as I can tell a lot of women feel the same, as though it would be the worst thing in the world to say, "thank you, but I don't feel the same about you, and that's not going to change."

Instead I would squirm and evade and change the subject. I didn't usually invent a boyfriend but often I would say that I "wasn't ready to date anyone right now." Frequently the guy in question, sensing bullshit, would actually argue my veiled rejection with me. Even more awkward! Finally, it dawned on me that it was kinder to tell the unpleasant truth as soon as possible. Sometimes they would still argue with me but "I don't want to have sex with you" is pretty impossible to conclusively refute, unless you're a rapist.

The problem is that the guy just commented on LWs body parts and didn't "ask her out." Turning him down right away is the right thing to do, but it's important to note that since there was no offer on the table of a "date" or anything like it, the guy always has the option of saying, "calm down, it was just a compliment." It's the content of what was said that presents a problem.

If someone complimented my body parts at work or any other setting other than perhaps a wet T-shirt contest, I'd be appalled. If I had my wits I'd say, "I don't like people commenting on my ass," but if I were off guard I'd probably sulk and glare, and swear never to hang out with the person again. That's actually a disservice though - Dork needs to hear that he's out of line.

But why doesn't LW get her "trusted male friend" and any other "trusted friends" she's got in this little circle of hers, and sit down with this dork and just say "Look, cut it the fuck out." Then she can tell him she's not into him and then the rest of her friends can coach him kindly on better ways to chat someone up.

However, LW may find that Dork's new-found restraint is actually a huge turn-on. Then they'll all be back in the soup.