Spanking The Junkie
We all have our indulgences, but how much porn is too much? My boyfriend has hundreds of porn bookmarks in his smart phone. He showed them off to me at dinner and said there were 300. Is having so many a sign that it's less about amusement than it is about compulsive behavior? By the way, he's generally a collector of things.
--The Girlfriend
A guy can show his girlfriend his Hot Wheels collection and she's unlikely to start fretting that he'll be having sex with her but picturing Bobby Unser. And then there's your boyfriend, who's turned the Android into his Porndroid. He may or may not have a porn problem. It's a problem for you if you feel you aren't getting enough time, sex, and attention. But what's definitely a problem is the hostility and passive-aggressiveness of a boyfriend who can't just watch on the sly; he has to stick it in his girlfriend's face. Is this really somebody you want to spend a lot more time with? If not, the next time he shoves his phone across the dinner table and asks, "Seen the position of the day?" you might show him one of your own -- one you like to call doggie bag-style: woman, from behind, carrying the rest of her dinner out the restaurant door to go find a guy who's nice to her.
Succinct and right on the money Amy!
Ida at March 29, 2011 10:08 PM
I wouldn't rush to judgement on the boyfriend being classless, I'd have to know more about the context of the situation. Were they discussing relationships, sexuality, pornography, were they talking about their sex lives and what they liked? It isn't as though the subject is a relationship taboo.
Robert at March 30, 2011 6:37 AM
I appreciate my husband's approach to porn. I know he has it. It's on his computer, and I have no reason to go on his computer, so I have no idea where. I never see it.
A friend and I were talking about male porn habits. He happened to be in the room. We tossed him a casual question, and he said he doesn't talk about porn with women. I'm certain he meant "women who are his wife and her friend."
He's a wise man.
MonicaP at March 30, 2011 6:54 AM
I know BF looks at porn on the computer, and he's got a nice collection of vintage Playboys, but he doesn't flaunt it, and he locks the computer room door if he's looking at when the girls are home.
We talk about it once in a while, but it's not something that consumes either one of us.
Flynne at March 30, 2011 8:26 AM
Maybe he was just showing it off like it WAS his hotwheels collection. Although it's tacky for a guy to share his porn with his girlfriend unasked (and LW should tell him so), LW did say he "showed them off to me" and tends to be a "collector of things."
Elise at March 30, 2011 11:08 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2011/03/spanking-the-ju.html#comment-1980207">comment from EliseI hear a lot of seriously weird stuff about people's sex lives. Gregg is no prude, but there's certain stuff I know he'd just rather not know. So...I don't tell him. This guy being "a collector" is no excuse.
Amy Alkon at March 30, 2011 12:13 PM
I have a colleague who is a bit like this, he likes his porn and 'collects', has a very poor sense of social boundaries, is a little compulsive (but not overly so), and I can picture him doing exactly that sort of thing at dinner with a woman. He used to be a major player but now he's married with a kid, and from what I can tell, doing a very good job of parenting and being a family man now --- he earns well, is hard-working, looks after his wife and kid, is a devoted husband and father ... he still loves porn and still unashamedly has no sense of social boundaries, but so what? Porn is just porn, it's just one part of his life, one mundane pastime (that is so ordinary every man does it), and doesn't seem to interfere with anything else in his life. And the same 'obsessive' tendency to collect is the same trait that helps him be financially successful. I think LW might be over-reacting, but it depends on the context ... if the guy has a lot of other good qualities then I'd say just view this in perspective, 'nobody's perfect'. If he seems like a bit of a loser in other areas of life, then I'd say this is a bad sign. If you already feel like dumping him and are just looking for excuses, then the relationship's over anyway. But if there's actually nothing wrong, and you're just in that overly-common mentality of looking for 'signs' that you 'should leave him', like those stupid Cosmo-style articles, then please, spare him and leave him.
Lobster at March 30, 2011 2:06 PM
Time Out!
This goes into the pile of Damned if you Do, Damned if you don't. If he shows her and she doesn't like it, he's a perv and a jerk. If he hides that part of his life and she wants to see it...he's a perv and a jerk. If she demands to see it and is disgusted by what she sees...he's a perv and a jerk. Yay! Total Male Win!
When AA has spoken on this issue before, a fair amount of the ladies on this forum spoke about how they liked sharing porn with their SO. Fine. But how does he know if she's like that if he doesn't introduce the subject to her?
I think a bit more context is required before we cast judgment on this one. Robert and Lobster are right on the money. Were they talking about sex and fantasies? Positions? Turn ons? And there are a lot of social incompetents and bores who would do that kind of stuff.
Now, it takes a certain kind of stupid to admit to 300 sites! That's just TMI, bro.
As far as me and mine go? It is not her concern. The few times she's evinced an interest, I've shown her a site or two and let her browse around. But I've never admitted a thing. If she wants that information, she can ask DIRECT and POINTED questions. Because that way lies minefields.
flydye at March 30, 2011 4:49 PM
But how does he know if she's like that if he doesn't introduce the subject to her?
You can tell a chick you like sci-fi on the first date without showing her all of your "Babylon 5" action figures, still in their original boxes, alongside the second collection you take out to play with, know what I mean?
MonicaP at March 30, 2011 5:10 PM
To add: Not sure how long these two have been together, but I'm guessing not that long.
MonicaP at March 30, 2011 5:11 PM
You can tell a chick you like sci-fi on the first date without showing her all of your "Babylon 5" action figures, still in their original boxes, alongside the second collection you take out to play with, know what I mean?
Well, granted. You did see my comment on how stupid it was to boast how he cornered the home porn market when he should have gently introduced the subject.
I'm sure most women would not be surprised that a man has looked at porn a time or two (though I seem to have run into a particularly virulent strain of church lady who always characterize any man looking at any porn any time as 'a porn addict')
flydye at March 31, 2011 5:58 AM
Might be the best answer ever, Amy. And who needs their porn on their phone? Is he rubbing one off during his pee breaks?
momof4 at March 31, 2011 7:12 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2011/03/spanking-the-ju.html#comment-1984723">comment from momof4Thank you, momof4!
Amy Alkon at March 31, 2011 8:08 AM
Porn can be an addiction or it can be a some time turn on and everything in between.
If someone is looking at it for hours each day, these are hours that would normally go towards family and marriage time. That is a problem.
If someone is looking at porn that is child porn, involves force or pain, that is a problem.
If someone is in a heterosexual relationship and they are always looking at homosexual porn that is a red flag that they should not be in a heterosexual relationship.
While some people will have problems with any porn, I think you can learn a lot about a potential partner if you know what kind of porn they like to look at. This like all kinds of other behaviors is just a part of the whole of the person you are in a relationship with.
The LW is talking about someone who cannot be without his porn. 300 bookmarks is excessive and a HUGE red flag. How much of his time and energy is going towards this habit? Not only that he seems to need to show it off. Frankly he sounds like he has very poor boundaries. I really hope this was dinner at home and not in a public place, because if it was public, he is showing some exhibitionism that you may or may not like.
The LW needs to decide what she wants here, she needs to sit down ALONE and think about how much this bothers her. (she is bothered or she would not have written) She needs to look up sexual addiction and decide for herself if he fits the bill. He may not, but if he does she needs to RUN!
Before anyone gets excited, I am not saying he is a sex addict, there is not enough information in her letter to say that. I am saying she needs to look it up, research it and come to her own conclusion and make an informed decision for herself.
worthit at March 31, 2011 10:51 AM
MonicaP has B5 figures!?
(I just have the DVD collection and the "Trying to Forget" CD.)
Radwaste at March 31, 2011 12:07 PM
I agree that 300 is excessive particularly ON A PHONE! Hello! (God, I SO would not want to call him ever if I were his GF)
So that is the red flag, not that he broached the subject. I agree with worthit.
That said, and maybe Amy can shed some light, but if he was a new dude, she'd say 'a guy I was dating' and not a boyfriend. The other thing that makes me think that way is that she wrote to Amy seeking rationalizations? Comfort? She put it in as none negative a way as I could see, offering an excuse re him being a collector. So I would say she has some emotional investment here, no matter the length of time they were dating.
flydye at March 31, 2011 2:18 PM
Guy with a rifle: run-of-the-mill deer hunter.
Guy with five rifles, twenty-eight handguns, daggers, swords, gasmasks, bulletproof vests and photographs of various high-profile famous people along with maps to their homes, personal schedules, and lists of their sins cataloged on a laptop with a self-destruct device: maybe not a deer hunter.
Trust your intuition on this one, LW.
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at March 31, 2011 2:38 PM
A guy with a magazine- a reader
A guy with 300 magazines- A porn addict
-someone with a wide variety of tastes
-someone who never cleans out his closet
-someone with a collection
Still, see my comments re phone, 300 and TMI. He's no prize.
flydye at March 31, 2011 3:18 PM
At dinner? For serious? I love how the LW is concerned about the # of bookmarks, but not her boyfriends lack of tact. Hahahahaha! Creatures great and small...
Gspotted at March 31, 2011 3:57 PM
I think the guy is trying to get rid of her. I have to give him credit--it is a great tactic, and she will do all "the work" of the break-up. He can even act nice, and act hurt when she says she no longer wants to go out. Exit, and freedom and Mimosas by the beach, here we come!
It's a better plan than eating a lot of beans, and farting everywhere, and then telling the girl you refuse to take the no-gas pills anymore as they make you sick. If she really loves you, she will tell you that your farts smell sweet. That usually gets rid of them too.
But this "300-porn-pages-on-the-smart-phone" is a real winner.
You go dog. Now, if I only had a smart phone....
BOTU at March 31, 2011 6:18 PM
MonicaP has B5 figures!?
Aww, now y'all know too much.
MonicaP at April 1, 2011 11:47 AM
Loved the "doggie bag-style" and "from behind, carrying the rest of her dinner out the door"...
When LW said (almost forgivingly) he's a collector, i'm betting he collects more than just "things"... he's probably got a long rapsheet of ex-g/f's hidden somewhere.
As for BOTU's comment about the b/f trying his darndest to get rid of her using this great tactic, well, it does have some merit. It simply amazes me how many people have been brought up on heaping doses of passive-aggressiveness and use it in their daily lives. Ugh. Where is the love?
Bluejean Baby at April 1, 2011 11:50 AM
I think he is looking for a soul mate. He loves porn and hopes she does too. He's a wannabe swinger.
ken at April 1, 2011 3:25 PM
I'd be less concerned about the fact that he looks at porn, and more concerned that it's likely that he's someone who gets off on looking at porn in public. That's probably why he's got so much of in on a mobile phone.
Maybe that's what he's trying to convey to her.
norm at April 2, 2011 1:57 PM
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