I don't understand girls like this. How does a guy "somehow" talk you into a relationship? I've had guys talk me into Chinese food when I really wanted Italian, but a relationship? Really? Maybe the book SHE needs to read is how to grow a spine and be a grown up.

According to Steve Martin, you are to say "I break with thee... I break with thee.. I break with thee.." and then throw dog-poop on his shoes.

(But seriously; say "I don't want to date you anymore because ..." and be done with it. Yeah it hurts, but being strung along hurts way worse when it ends.)

To paraphrase what I and a lot of others told the guy a few columns ago: It will never be easier to break up with this guy than it is right now. No matter which right now you're talking about. You're probably laboring under the shiny delusion that you might suddenly find yourself wanting to be with him again, but that's really unlikely. Especially considering you cooled to him after three weeks and have been wanting to dump him for half the time you've been together. Do you really want to find yourself months from now realizing you've been wanting to dump him for ninety percent of the time you've been together? It's a seriously bad idea to invest more time into figuring out how to let him down gently than you put into the good parts. Because it's only going to get harder to break up. Reverse the roles and think about whether it would be easier to get dumped after a few weeks or a few months, especially if you've sensed the guy hasn't been all that into you for quite some time. And if he's been piling on the affection lately, then he definitely knows.

Let me 'splain (No, there is too much. Let me sum up): Be kind now and don't let him get even more invested in winning you over.

Yep, you've got to grow a backbone where your wishbone is and just TELL him already! The sooner the better. Just say "I'm sorry this isn't working out. I don't want to string you along, so this is good-bye" or something like that. The longer you wait, the harder it will be.

Just do it.

Dumping people is part of being a grown-up. And Amy is right -- don't get into specifics. If he does get all butthurt and keeps asking "why" just continue repeating, "It's just not working."

"How To Get a New Head, Body, and Personality, and To Think, Smell, and Talk Like a Totally Different Person: A Love Story."

LOL

@Brandi

Some of us women were trained from a very early age to be nice, nice, nice, at the expense of our own preferences and feelings. This can and does result in disastrous relationships that drag on for far longer than needed, all to escape the dreaded "bitch" label.

I ended up in a horrible marriage because when I tried to break up with the guy three weeks into the relationship he threatened suicide. So I stayed. And stayed. And stayed. All to be "nice" and not hurt anyones feelings, including those of his very kind parents. His mother was especially excited about our wedding, as she was the wedding coordinator for her church. How could I possibly back out?

In my defense of this whole episode, I was only sixteen when I met my husband and had only turned seventeen a week before I attempted the breakup. I simply didn't have the life skills to hurt someone's feelings and still live with myself as a human being.

You can shake your head at me and call me a doormat and spineless all you want, but I will never stop being kind to people, even if I get kicked in the teeth once in a while. And now when I see a young girl who reminds me of me at that age (like my young co-worker who took on the responsibility of her boyfriends whole welfare cheating family), I help her develop her spine, and let her know that she is not a bad person for wanting to walk away. Because some of us need to be told that self preservation is not a selfish or bad thing, point blank.

@deathbysnoosnoo a friend of mine has a story eerily similar to yours. She got married pretty young and, it wasn't until she turned 27 recently that she was able to say, "You know what? To hell with his crap. And to hell with his family's crap. He's not nice to me, so why should I be nice to him?"

It takes a lot of courage for "nice" people to do something that they know will hurt someone else. A lot of people learn too late that, if someone tries to make you stay in a relationship through threats of suicide, tears or begging, that's a red flag that they are MANIPULATIVE.

1) "Letting him down easily" is actually way more unkind than cutting him off, and refusing to talk about it beyond "This just isn't working for me. Good bye." Don't "see him just to talk." Don't answer his phone calls. Don't respond to his texts. DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY HOPE. The more you can bring yourself to be rigid about this, the faster he will get the message and move on. You owe him that much.

2) Refuse to get drawn into discussions of why. Remember the wise words of Miss Manners, who said "There is no answer to the question "Why don't you love me?" that you want to hear." There is no answer to his pleas of "But whhyyy?!" that will make it better. They will only make it worse. "This isn't working for me. Goodbye." That's it.

a friend of mine has a story eerily similar to yours.

That's pretty much the story of the my first marriage. I tried to break off the engagement, and he started crying, so I let myself be led back into it. And that's the thing: If you don't break it off, it eventually becomes the story of your first marriage.

There's a certain amount of ego here: "If I break up with him, he will be devastated. He's never get over it!" And maybe that's true. But most likely he'll have a few beers with his friends and complain about what a bitch you are, and then he'll find someone else. If he's a decent guy but just not for you, he deserves to be with someone who loves him as much as he loves her.

FYI a guy "somehow" talks you into a relationship when you are young, shy and inexperienced.

My first boyfriend did this: he basically stalked me; that's how he got to be my boyfriend.

both the LW and her dude need backbones.

Ya know I really get tired of the criticism...it sounds like she's just a nice girl who enjoys spending time with this guy but realizes that he's not "the one". Amy gives great advice to this young lady who, like so many of those in this chat, have had the same experience. We're nice enough not to want to hurt someone's feelings. With time and experience we finally realize that it's not nice to string the guy along - it's far more kind to let him go.

Why does being NICE suddenly equal being WEAK??

Yes, yes, and yes. As someone else who's let herself be talked out of a breakup--it only gets worse.

The mistake is believing that a breakup should be done "gently." If you're not firm about it, you leave yourself open to all kinds of desperate attempts at reconciliation. A breakup can and should be done respectfully; i.e., respect that the other person is an adult who can handle the truth and move on with their life without you in it.

Help them by having one, and only one, breakup / farewell conversation. No follow-up calls, meetings, strings of emails. If they attempt this, just tell them once that you're done talking about it, and don't answer them anymore. If they claim they're just want to hang out as friends, only accept group invitations. Wait at least a month before spending time alone with them. If you get the slightest feeling they're trying to win you back, then don't meet them again.

Don't let them in if they drop by unannounced--again, just say you're done talking about it, you have things to do, sorry, and close the door. Do not accept conciliatory flowers or presents, even if it happens to be your birthday, or they claim they are simply thinking of you and wishing you well. Just say you don't think it would be appropriate to accept them. Believe me, you do not want to put yourself in the position of owing them anything, even a thank you. Healthy and well-adjusted people don't give gifts to someone who's just dumped them.

This all feels brutal to do, and it may trigger tears and / or anger from the other person. Do it anyway. When people are hurting they're not always at their best, but your best way to help them overcome is to simply disengage from these shenanigans.

Exactly, Amy. It's part ingrained and part taught to us...

Girls are given baby dolls and told to take care of them. Boys are given transformers and told to go kick some bad guy's ass. We're taught to be nurturers from an early age, so when it's time to do something we know will hurt someone, we freeze. We make excuses why we can stay. But eventually we can't, and we learn something new. We grow.

Why does being NICE suddenly equal being WEAK??

It's NICE to go somewhere with your guy, even though you'd rather stay home and watch 90s sitcom reruns, because it would make him happy. It's WEAK to let yourself be talked out of a breakup even though you "knew you had to end it" after three weeks.

It's not nice to let the sweet guy get more attached, because knowing you have to end it after three weeks of dating does not typically mean you'll fall head over heels for him if only you can tough it out a little longer. It's not nice to either of you.

The most successful break up method that I had was when I explained that he was a great guy, but I didn't see it going any further, and I wanted both of us to find someone special.

And I completely understand about being talked into staying - it's the reason I had to leave my ex-husband twice. And trust me, it wasn't any more fun the second time.

By the way, the boyfriend from my example? The next girl he dated turned out to be the girl he married, so in the end he was probably pretty happy we broke up! Don't worry, this guy will survive. Even if he doesn't bounce back immediately, it's better than being in a relationship based on pity.

Plus, you shouldn't waste your time. Suppose you meet Mr Dreamy tomorrow, but, hey you've got a boyfriend? Timing can be crucial.

The thing women need to remember when breaking up with someone is the person doing the dumping has been thinking about it for a while. The person being dumped often does not see it coming and wants to engage in a make up conversation. Or they want closure. IF you REALLY want to GET OUT, cut the conversation short and say you are sorry but you just cannot stay. Then there is no talking to them, at least for a while, there is no seeing them except for picking up your things from their place and you do that with a couple of friends.

This second break up should be easier, you can honestly say, I tried, I really did but this is not working for me and I need to not see you anymore. Do not answer his texts, do not answer his calls, if he approaches you, point blank ask him to leave you alone and walk away.

Do it today.

It's not just women; there are a lot men who have found themselves in the same position. I was one had serious reservations about my impending marriage, but didn't act on them for fear of upsetting everyone, including my fiance. I felt I was being rushed, but couldn't put my finger on anything specific so talked myself into going ahead. I paid for that mistake with 25 years of my life with a cluster "B" personality. I do have four great kids, but the price for that was almost my sanity and my life.

FYI, a big reason I stayed was religion. Needless to say, I'm no longer a believer.

The worse part is that looking back, it's now clear our marriage went off a cliff a decade ago, but I kept trying. She didn't, but did keep stringing me along for various reasons.

So, I say again, be horribly direct and cut it off.

"The most successful break up method that I had was when I explained that he was a great guy, but I didn't see it going any further, and I wanted both of us to find someone special."

I've used this method many times, based on one of Ms. Alkon's articles, and it really works. I used to be afraid that it would come off as "bitchy," then realizes it's better to seem bitchy and be mature and help the other person move on faster, than to be conflict avoidant to make myself feel better. Because THAT is true bitchiness.

She could string him along for another month, and then right before Christmas, pull the plug.
It's what they keep doing to me.

I’ve made a few mistakes in my relationship, but this time I thought he is never going to take me back now - I have really done it this time. I tried calling him, apologising and everything else I could think of. I finally came across kasalovespell@hotmail.com and found out how to wipe the slate clean with him so we could start again. It worked and now we are back together.  Thank you for Breakup Reversed!