Beard-Death Experience
This adorable, smart, funny guy I'm dating was clean-shaven when we first met, but for the past three weeks, he hasn't shaved much. He has this really weird facial hair pattern (like patches on his cheeks that haven't filled in well), and I don't find it attractive. I didn't know how to bring this up, so I mentioned it to my roommate, and she volunteered to "casually" mention it. So, last week when he and I were having drinks before going out, she popped into the room and said, "Hey, Brad...still growing that beard? I think you look a lot better clean-shaven." He seemed put off, and we went out to dinner shortly afterward, but the whole evening felt a bit weird. And he still has this patchy facial hair thing going on.
--Mangy Situation
Maybe his facial hair is just scared. Like the groundhog, it came up, saw its shadow, and ducked, terrified, back into his face.
Nobody wants to be the one to tell a guy that his attempted sexy-man scruff is a ringer for a Hobbit's feet or plant life struggling up after a nuclear winter. But as uncomfortable as saying something would have been for you, it had to be far more uncomfortable for him to have your roommate do it, especially right in front of you.
As psychologist and linguist Steven Pinker points out in "The Stuff of Thought," we all get that people say stuff behind our backs, but we can let it go unremarked -- that is, if nobody knows that we know (that something was said about us). But, Pinker explains, once some disparagement becomes "mutual knowledge" -- when others know that we know what was said -- we lose face if we don't do anything about it. And unfortunately, in this case, after your roommate said something, probably the only thing he could do to avoid looking like her puppetboy was to stubbornly avoid shaving that comb-over he's been rocking on his face.
Let some time pass, and then tell him yourself, in a way that doesn't come off like criticism. Pet his beard, and say you think he looks good that way but you love his skin and feeling his face is sexy. What he'll hear: He'll spend more time in bed with his chick if he spends more time in the bathroom with his Schick.
Is she willing to reciprocate?
lujlp at September 23, 2014 7:28 PM
I wonder how long they've been going out? Maybe the dude's thinking, what, already she's trying to change me?
Old RPM Daddy (OldRPMDaddy at GMail dot com) at September 24, 2014 4:53 AM
Ugh, just tell him, like one adult to another, that it doesn't look good.
He'd have to have an IQ under 80 to not see through "omg, your beard is soooooo sexy but the skin under it is EVEN MORE SEXY".
kf at September 24, 2014 4:35 PM
Maybe the dude's thinking, what, already she's trying to change me?
If so, he's forgetting that he changed himself, after they started dating. Pretty dumb of him, I'd say. "OK, that look worked, I think I'll try a different one."
Rex Little at September 25, 2014 12:09 AM
The alternative is that the attempted beard irritates her more every time she sees him, so she dumps him over something she never even mentioned? His ESP probably works as well as mine, so help him out. Only she knows if it's a deal breaker, or about to become one.
MarkD at September 26, 2014 10:05 AM
I'd just ask her what way or words he could use to tell her her new haircut was a disaster, without it causing her to get upset. There are no such words? Thought not.
Joe J at September 26, 2014 12:17 PM
enough with the stupid beards already!
I don't like them on most people and most of my women friends don't like them either.
A little scruff or a day or two of not shaving is one thing, but growing a beard when you can't actually grow a beard is just stupid.
Looking forward to this trend going away.
linny at October 2, 2014 4:42 AM
"I don't like them on most people and most of my women friends don't like them either."
I find that a beard works well as a princess filter. If a woman can't deal with anything as benign as facial hair they're far too precious and delicate to waste time with.
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at October 4, 2014 10:35 AM
Why won't the guys just shave it off it it's so benign? Just saw a clean shaven pic of a guy friend who's had a beard for the year I've known him. He looks great in a beard, but holy sh!t, he looks so much hotter without one.
Signed,
Another person waiting for this trend to end.
Cam at October 7, 2014 3:20 PM
"Why won't the guys just shave it off it it's so benign?"
See above re: princess filter.
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at October 10, 2014 2:47 PM
After using "chick" and "Schick" how did you resist using "dick" or "prick", especially when referring to "more time in bed"? For a "nice person who sometimes says f*ck" you showed remarkable constraint.
eddie boss at November 22, 2014 7:39 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2014/09/beard-death-exp.html#comment-5538557">comment from eddie bossHah, eddie -- because "dick" gets me fired if anybody who edits a less free-wheeling paper slips and puts it in the paper (instead of using whatever substitution I provide).
I just titled a recent column (about a guy who pretends he's read books he hasn't) "Moby Dickhead" -- however, I did this with a clear alt title right next to it.
Amy Alkon at November 22, 2014 9:44 AM
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